by Alexa Davis
“I’m Lassie.” As she slid her fingers through mine, still I felt nothing. There was no way in hell this was going to happen, even if I really wanted it to. For some reason, I just felt bored.
“Lassie, like the dog?”
“I get that a lot,” she laughed loudly, not insulted one bit. “Yes, like the dog. I’m also a little bit fierce like a dog, but we’ll leave that to your...imagination, shall we?” The wink was too obvious, it did nothing for me.
“Right, well, I better go, my friend is waiting for me.” I used the lamest excuse ever, but it was all I had at the moment. “It was nice to meet you, Lassie.”
“Oh, right.” Her face fell, her entire body looked disappointed, but that still wasn’t enough to have me changing my mind. “Well, I’ll see you around, okay?”
I didn’t even bother to respond because I had no interest in seeing that woman again, I simply turned and made my way over to Braxton who was pumping iron like it weighed nothing. I grabbed a much smaller set than him, but one which showed my personal improvement, and I sent him a smile.
“What was that?” he gasped unhappily. “That woman was so clearly hitting on you, and you turned her down. What is going on with you? You’ve changed so damn much Is it-” he started before catching himself at the very last moment.
“Go on, say whatever it is you were going to say,” I encouraged him. One way or another, we needed to get it out of him.
“Well,” he pursed his lips and looked concerned all over again. “I can’t help but wonder if it’s because of what happened outside Lights Out. You haven’t been yourself since. I don’t want you to feel that way – you know I won’t allow anything bad to happen again.”
Braxton was continually killing himself with guilt. I needed to put him out of his misery. “No, no, it’s nothing like that.” I was going to have to suck up my pride, to just confess the truth.
“It’s a woman...the nurse, actually.” I hated saying this and going back on everything I’d ever expressed about women before, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. “Morgan. Ever since we...spent time together at Lights Out, I can’t stop thinking about her.”
Much to his credit, Braxton didn’t make a huge deal about this. He simply nodded slowly and bit down on his lip. “Right, and you haven’t made plans to see her again?”
“I didn’t get her number or anything.” I never did, but this was the first time it actually pained me to admit it. “All I know about her is that she works at the hospital.”
“Problem solved.” He clapped his hands together with glee. “I’ll hit you with a car, and bam. We have a meet cute right there.”
“Oh ha ha, very funny.” I said it sarcastically, but I couldn’t help bursting out into laughter at his funny remark. “No, of course I can’t accost her at work. That would be super creepy. Plus, what if the car crash killed me? So many things could go wrong.”
“You met her at Lights Out, right?” He continued undeterred. “Both times? We’ll just keep on going there and try to find her.”
I nodded gratefully, too embarrassed to admit that every time we’d gone, I had spent the entire night with one eye open, just waiting for her to appear. If she was going to do so, I felt like she would’ve done it already. It seemed that she didn’t want to know me as much as I did her. Somehow I’d wrecked it with the one person I actually liked, and I didn’t even know how.
“Sure, sure. It’ll be great,” I lied, just to keep him happy. “Thanks, Braxton.”
***
“Fuck!” I called out in annoyance as I opened my bare fridge. The one thing I needed to remember to get from the store on the way back from the gym was milk, and I’d forgotten. I’d been so distracted as I walked back with Braxton that it had totally slipped my mind, and now, I was seriously hankering for a bowl of cereal.
There was no getting out of it. I had to go back out.
I huffed and kicked my gym bag in temper before stomping out the door. I’d worked out until I was completely weary, so this was the last thing I wanted to be doing, but I had a craving that needed to be satisfied.
By the time the elevator reached the ground floor, I felt a little calmer. It wasn’t too far to the store, and it would probably be a good thing to walk off this work out just a little bit more. Plus it was a nice day; there was no point in wasting it all indoors.
As I walked, I thought about Braxton’s words when it came to my Morgan dilemma. It felt crappy to keep going to the same night club every weekend looking for a woman who wasn’t going to turn up, but what other choice did I have? I couldn’t actually create some kind of accident to take me to the hospital, so that really didn’t leave me with much choice.
If only sleeping with her had made me forget her, rather than causing my feelings to intensify. The opposite of what I wanted to happen had definitely occurred.
What the...
The hairs stood up on the back of my neck as the intense feeling of being watched overcame me like a slap in the face, as if from nowhere. I glanced from side to side trying to work out why there was such a powerful chill careering through my body...and then it became clear.
One of the men from the nightclub was standing at the end of the street, his arms folded in front of him. He was watching me, staring me down, intimidating me – and I had to admit it was working. While I’d been expecting something like this to happen, it felt all the more real now.
He wasn’t doing anything, he was just watching. Waiting. Giving me a threat. This wasn’t over, there was definitely more to come.
Chapter Twelve
Morgan
Monday
Urgh, why did I always wake up feeling like shit these days? It was as if I never got any sleep, even when I’d had a full night. The exhaustion was truly getting to me, even making my body ache all over. If I allowed myself to believe it, I could truly start to think that I was coming down with something...
Oh God! It was official, I was sick. This time as I forced my body off the bed, I was overcome with an intense heat, a dizzying sensation, the feeling that I was definitely, certainly, one hundred percent going to be sick. I raced to the bathroom as fast as I could, and threw up everywhere. I vomited until I felt like I had nothing left inside of me.
Panting breathlessly, I eventually allowed my body to fall back onto the cool tiles of my bathroom floor. My hands clutched my pounding forehead and my eyes slid shut, just to block the world out for a moment.
I couldn’t take the day off work, however deathly ill I was feeling. The hospital always felt understaffed as it was, and it was much too late to have someone cover me. I would just wear a mask over my face at all times to ensure no one else caught whatever the hell it was that I had.
With a loud groan, I pushed my body off the floor and physically forced it into the shower. The steaming jets of water helped to wash off the sick feeling and clear my head, so by the time I got out, I felt like I was a little more prepared. Maybe not totally ready for a full day of caring about other people’s problems, but good enough to cope.
***
Coming into work was a massive mistake I should never have made. I staggered into the break room and slumped into the nearest chair, allowing my eyes to fall closed. This was tiredness on another level. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Hey, you okay? You look like shit.”
“Thanks, Nickie, blunt as always.” I sighed and allowed the light to shine back into my eyes. “I do feel like shit, actually, but you know how it is.”
She made up for her harsh words by handing me a much needed cup of coffee. Funnily enough since feeling extra tired, I wasn’t up for a lot of caffeine, but right now it was like heaven wrapped in cardboard.
“You’re always tired these days.” Nickie sat down beside me and shot me a look. “What’s going on with you? Are you doing some late night partying without me?”
“Ha, as if!” If only that was the case, then at least I’d have an interesting story to tell her. �
��No, I think I might be coming down with something.”
“Well, you have been working every weekend for the past month or so, maybe that’s why? Maybe you’re overdoing it. Why are you doing so much extra work? Are you having money troubles or something?”
“Erm, I just want to save up for somewhere better to live, you know how it is.” I was only half lying. I did want that, but it wasn’t why I was working so much.
I desperately wanted to avoid being asked to go out again. I wanted to bury my head in work to get back to the “real me.” My moment of madness with Terrance had affected me in ways I hadn’t expected. I guess I wasn’t the type of woman who could justify a night of fun to myself – it just wasn’t the life for me.
I could only blame my mother for that! She was ingrained too deeply into me; it really wasn’t fair.
“Well, I’ve missed you a lot. I haven’t even been able to tell you about-”
“Oh God,” I interrupted Nickie and jumped from my seat. “I feel...” But I couldn’t finish my sentence. Instead, I ran from the room to the nearest bathroom to throw up all over again. I’d been feeling waves of nausea all throughout the morning, but it hadn’t been this bad.
It seemed that I wasn’t as over my illness as I had first assumed.
“Are you okay?” Nickie hammered on the door, worry lacing her tone. “Morgan, are you alright? Do you need to go home?”
“Maybe,” I admitted, wiping the splashes of sick from my chin. “I think I might have a bug or something. I don’t want to pass it on.”
“Are you sure it’s that?” There was a teasing tone to her voice now that she knew I wasn’t dying. “Are you sure you aren’t pregnant? Fulfilling Mommy’s dreams just without the boyfriend or husband?”
“Oh, you’re so funny,” I replied weakly. “You know you have to have sex to get pregnant right?” I was just about to declare that I hadn’t had sex in forever, but I stopped myself just in time. Anyone could be listening out there, and I didn’t want the whole world to know that I was practically a born again virgin.
Except...
Oh shit!
Mental calculations raced through my brain as I recalled the feeling of Terrance inside of me. My one night of madness. Did we use protection? I could barely recall that now, my brain was driven by lust – all I could think about was him and my desperation for him. Had I made a fundamental slip up along the way and allowed myself to make this huge mistake?
I felt numb and panicked all at once, almost like I was having an out-of-body experience. Now that this potential possibility was in my mind, I was going to have to get a test just to eliminate the change. It was far more likely that I was just sick, but I wouldn’t be able to relax for the next nine months if I didn’t one hundred percent know for sure and I really didn’t want to add anxiety to my ever growing list of problems.
“Morgan, do you need me to get someone?”
“N...no,” I made myself get up, even though my body desperately wanted to remain curled over in that position forever more. “I’m okay, I’m coming out now. Then I’m going home, if that’s alright.”
“We’ll sort it, don’t worry.” I pressed the cubicle door open and fell into Nickie’s arms. “I’ll get you into a cab home.”
She was a good friend, and in that moment, I was so grateful that she was there. I would potentially need her a lot over the next few months, depending on what happened next. I didn’t want to think about the chance of the test coming back positive because it would confuse absolutely everything: my home would have to change as I really would need a bigger place, my life would be different, my career would have to go on hold, even my body would never recover.
It would be the longest ever payback for ten glorious moments of fun.
***
“Yes, here’s fine, thank you.”
I tried to give the cab driver the bill, but he kept shooting me a confused look. “Ma’am, the girl who called me was very insistent that I take you home.”
“I know that, but I need to go to the drug store to pick up some medication.” My teeth were gritted as I spoke, frustration was circling my stomach. “And I only live just around the corner, so really, this is fine. I’ll tell my friend that you took me home, okay?”
He wasn’t happy about it, but as I dropped the money on the seat next to him and hopped out, he didn’t have much choice in the matter. I was a woman on a mission. I needed to get that test to shut up my negative brain, and there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do to stop me.
I grabbed a basket as I stepped into the store, needing to grab a few items to cover up the one thing I really needed. It felt like a stupid trick, probably an age old one that they saw all the time in here, but there was no way I could just grab a pregnancy test and boldly take it up there. I wasn’t brave enough. This just wasn’t me, and I didn’t want anyone to think it was. My eyes flickered untrustingly towards the counter, to the geeky teenage guy who would know more about me than anyone else did, before fixing back on the shelf in front of me.
My heart hammered anxiously, my mouth ran completely dry, my body shook with terror, but I had to go for it. I needed this, just to chill myself out.
I grabbed some vitamins, a couple of drinks, and some headache pills, before forcing myself down the right aisle. I shouldn’t be here, not until I was married or at the very least in a steady relationship. I never thought I would be the naïve girl needing a secret pregnancy test – especially not at the grand old age of twenty six, when I was supposed to know better. But it seemed that life had thrown me a crappy curve ball.
What happened next became a blur as my brain seemed to block it out in sheer panic. All I knew for sure was that I grabbed the test and somehow managed to pay for the items. I may have even made some small talk at the counter, I wasn’t totally sure.
As the fresh air hit my face, my body didn’t stop freaking out, and I didn’t think it would until I’d done the dreaded pee. My emotions continued to dance all over my body as I pushed the door to my apartment open and raced to the bathroom.
Once inside, I tugged out the test and grabbed the instructions. I could barely read them because my eyes were blurry and my hands shaking with fear. Still, it seemed pretty simple: pee on the stick and wait for three long minutes for the results to be revealed.
Oh God. The three minutes that would change my life.
Once the deed was done, I paced the room anxiously. I couldn’t look at the stick, not until the three minutes were done, because the wait would kill me even more then.
I jumped high into the air as my phone started to ring, I’d almost forgotten that the real world existed until that moment. I had no intention of speaking to whoever the hell it was because I was in the middle of a crisis right now – and that feeling intensified when I noticed my mom’s name on the screen.
It was almost as if she knew.
I hit the reject button quickly and threw my phone in the other room. There was no way that I could speak to her right now. I just needed to get through this with my sanity intact.
Had it been three minutes? I wasn’t quite sure. It felt like I’d been waiting for three damn years. I needed to know, I had to find out. I tiptoed quietly, cautiously, as if I was about to touch a bomb...which was almost the truth.
I touched it lightly, barely brushing my skin against the plastic, and picked it up gently. My heart pounded so loudly I feared it might burst from my chest at any given moment. I felt like I had cotton stuffed into my mouth, and my fingers hurt with nerves.
This was the scariest moment of my whole damn life. The world shrunk down, everything zoned into only me and this test. I needed to see it, just to confirm that there was no longer anything to worry about. That was all this was...
Positive.
The blue cross was there. There was no denying it.
I was having a baby.
Fuck.
Chapter Thirteen
Terrance
Tuesday
/> My head pounded. I felt sick and distressed, the sort of sensation that could only come from a terrible night of sleep. I kept tossing and turning all night long, nightmares filtering into my subconscious.
This whole situation was screwing with my brain. To be honest, the waiting for something else to happen was the worst part of it all. The anticipation made me want to vomit.
No matter what happened now, however much I needed milk, I would not leave the apartment by myself again. I was staying put until Braxton was with me.
I grabbed my cell phone and made my way into the kitchen. I needed Braxton by my side right now to stop me from freaking the hell out all the time, which unfortunately meant I was going to have to be way more honest than I wanted to be. He would worry, but it was preferable be being left by myself.
‘Braxton, will you come over? T.’ I fired off a text quickly.
‘Sure thing, be right over,’ came the very rapid reply.
The wait for him to come over was agonizing. I sat on my kitchen stool, tapping loudly on the table just to distract myself from the silence. The truth of it was I no longer felt safe in my own apartment, and that was something I needed to resolve.
“Hey, boss, are you in?” Braxton finally called through the door sometime later. “You alright? Anything I can do for you?”
I raced to the door and tugged it open, so grateful to see his face. Relief flooded me as I began to feel safe again. “Come in, I need to talk with you about an idea I’ve had spinning around in my brain. I think you’re gonna like it.”
“Okay, sure... Is everything alright?” I indicated for him to sit down, which he did. “You’re freaking me out a bit here.”
“Yeah, I know. I have something to tell you, but I need you to promise me that you won’t get mad.” I gave him a serious look, which he nodded at. He wouldn’t listen, but I had to at least try. “After you left yesterday, I realized that I needed milk, so I headed to the store. On the way, I saw a guy.” I sucked in a deep panicked breath. “One of the guys from that night in the club.”
