by Alexa Davis
Now, I didn’t want to get ahead of myself and think anything like that again, especially considering the way that it worked out last time, but there was definitely a more serious feeling that came from June. I already knew that I wanted to spend more time with her, and not just in a sexual way. I enjoyed her company, too.
After Tank and I finished eating, we headed out to the barn to fix up the mower. The grass was getting much too long, and the only way I could fix that was with my ride on. Unfortunately, it had been out of action for far too long now. As I set about working, with memories of Shelley and thoughts of June in my mind, I actually switched the radio on, allowing a bit of music and life to fill the barn.
I was changing, that much was for sure. I was finally becoming the person I once was all over again…
***
“Oh crap,” I muttered to myself, once I got back inside. Lewis had been calling me a few times, and because of the music and the sound of my tools, I just hadn't heard it. On the plus side, the grass was all cut now, so at least that was one thing off my mind.
Ring, ring…
Ring, ring…
As I waited for Lewis to pick up, I noticed that I was whistling one of the songs that I’d been listening to on the radio. It was honestly a little strange to see this much happier version of myself, but it was welcome, too. I’d spent far too long being lost and miserable – this was the version of me that I thought Shelley wanted me to be when she passed.
“Hi, boss, are things all right?” Lewis finally answered, sounding a little breathless.
“Yeah. Yeah, things are great; I was just outside and didn’t hear my phone,” I answered him, but I was distracted. I was staring at the dining table, remembering June sitting buck naked on there, her face contorted in pleasure, hip lips swollen, her hair mussed up… “What’s going on?”
“Well, I have some more stuff for you, for the St. Louis trip, and I just thought that it might be best for you to come into the office and grab it so I can go over it all with you. Unless…would you rather me come to you?”
“No, I can pop in, don’t worry about it.” If I was going to be leaving the business behind soon enough, I guessed I should spend as much time there as possible. It might not have felt like it then, but I was certain that I would miss it all soon enough. “Thank you, Lewis. I do appreciate you doing all of this for me.”
“No worries, I just want to make sure that everything goes well.” I got the impression that this was as much for the business that he was about to call his, as it was for me. I knew that he didn’t want me to look bad – he’d always been very good at that, which was why I kept him on board all this time.
“Are you okay, Roy?” he suddenly asked, seeming to sense something going on underneath the surface. “You sound…different.”
“I’m good,” I smiled secretly to myself. “Just been busy. Got a lot on my mind.”
“Sure, sure,” he muttered, but he didn’t in any way sound convinced. “So, just give me a call when you’re on your way over, and I’ll get it all together for you.”
After I hung up the phone, already forgetting all about St. Louis, I headed up to the shower, needing to clean the sweat and grime of the day off. I might have spent most of my time out on the land growing grubby, but once I was done for the day, I hated to feel that way; it made me really uncomfortable. Plus, I had a lot circulating in my mind and I got my best thinking done in the shower.
Even though I’d had sex with Crystal in that shower not that long ago, she couldn’t have been the furthest from my mind. I had the feeling that we were long done now, no matter what happened with June, and that we would return to just being friends. I was okay with that. I’d always known that it would end that way eventually; I just hoped that she was okay, too. I really wanted us to be genuine friends, ones that could be there for one another in ways other than sexual, and I prayed that we would eventually get there.
No, the memories playing on my mind were only ones of June. She had this incredible combination of innocence and pure sexuality, which drove me absolutely insane. And the way that she shocked me, by taking me in her mouth without even giving it a second thought…that was the sexiest damn thing that had ever happened to me. That image with her lips wrapped around me, her head bobbing up and down as her tongue flickered everywhere was an incredible image that I didn’t think I would ever forget.
“Damn it,” I muttered, frustrated with myself as my heartrate grew faster. What I really wanted to do was see her again, but I also didn’t want to come on too strong. I didn’t want to freak her out by seeming too heavy. However, I guessed that I could call her – there was no harm in that, surely? She had given me her number, after all.
I hopped out of the shower with a newfound excitement coursing through my veins, and I wrapped a towel around myself, barely covering me up. I grabbed my phone and took it to my bedroom with me. There, I lay on the sheets and smiled to myself before hitting dial. As the phone rang, my mind whirred and my heart raced like crazy. I was acting ridiculously, like a childish schoolgirl with a crush, and the worst part was I didn’t even care.
“Hello?” As soon as she answered, I felt a warmth spreading through me. June’s voice was sweet, tentative, and made me happy.
“Hi, June; it’s Roy. How are you?” God damn it, I was so anxious. What the hell was wrong with me?
“I’m good,” she replied, allowing me to hear the smile in her voice. “How are things with you?”
As she spoke, I began to panic. Before picking up the phone and hitting dial, I really should have come up with a rational reason to call her. Now I had nothing, and that could lead to some very awkward silences. What can I say? Can I act like it is because of the article? Can I pretend that she’d left something behind? My eyes glanced everywhere, desperately trying to find something, but of course nothing was there. I would have found it by now had that been the case. I was floundering, feeling like I was sinking, but luckily, I just about managed to find the strength within me to continue talking.
“I’m… I’m good, thank you.”
“I was just about to call you actually, to see if you wanted a proof of the article to read through before it went to print.” I knew this wasn’t typical procedure for journalists to do, unless it was requested before the interview happened, so I felt extremely grateful. “I have focused more on you leaving the business, if that’s all right. I mean, I have included some things from your past, but they are mostly business related.”
“That sounds great,” I told her warmly. “Thank you.”
“It isn’t finished yet, but as soon as it is, I will find a way to get it to you.”
“Well, I have to go to St. Louis on Thursday and get back Sunday, so I would love it if you could come over then?” I wasn’t sure if I could wait until then to see her once more, but it was probably be a good thing. At least I could be distracted by the business trip. If I was just sitting around here, I might drive myself insane.
“That sounds great,” she exclaimed sounding very happy. “I’ll see you then.”
Because she did sound so pleased, I found myself saying something very unexpected. “Well, I’m sure you’ll hear from me before then. I’m sure I’ll message you at some point throughout the week.”
She giggled musically, sending happiness trickling up and down my spine. “That sounds wonderful; I look forward to it.”
“I’ll speak to you soon.”
There was a cheesy grin spread across my cheeks as we said our goodbyes. I didn’t know what I was worrying about, thinking I might be coming on too strong. It seemed like June was feeling exactly the same way that I was. There was so much potential there, such a hope for the future, that it made my heart race like crazy. This could really turn out to be something real, something strong and powerful, and I actually couldn’t wait for that.
‘I am already looking forward to Sunday.’
I texted her before I could even think. Luckily it was onl
y a couple of seconds before she messaged me back, leaving me no time at all to get caught up in my worries.
‘Me too; I already feel like I miss you.’
She missed me…that had to be a sign. I sat up on the bed and stared at her words on my phone for a few moments, feeling far too happy for words.
I had never wanted to get involved with anyone before because I didn’t want to betray my wife and her memory, but now I could see that by living this half life, that was exactly what I was doing. Her life had been taken away from her; she didn’t have any choice, but I did. By tossing things to one side and living in a shell, I was ignoring everything that Shelley stood for and everything that she did. I needed to get out there, to use her memory to spur me forwards, to live the life that she would have wanted for me. There was no longer any time to be scared – what I really needed was to be free.
Chapter Eighteen
June – Tuesday
“Knock, knock.” Mike smiled at my office cubical, already giving me a condescending look. He did this all the time, and I got the distinct impression that it was just to remind the rest of that we didn’t have fancy offices like he did. “Can I come in?”
“I don’t see any door stopping you,” I forced the fake smile on my face, but I wasn’t sure if he was believing it at all. He was giving me a curious look as if he didn’t quite know what was going on in my head. “What is it that you want?”
“Well, I just wanted to see how little June Powell was getting on with her interview? I know it’s a much bigger job than what you’re used to, and I just want to know how you’re handling it. It’s a little different to fish cleaning…right?”
I pumped my fists in fury underneath my desk. I was used to Mike brining out the asshole role every now and again when he felt like he wanted to remind us all of our places, but this time it got to me. He knew that I’d been begging for bigger and better stories for a very long time; he knew that I was very committed and would do what it took to get what was needed. The fact that he was patronizing me had me wanting to throw everything in his face…but just before I could spill it, something in my brain stopped me, sensing that it was the wrong thing to do.
If I told Mike everything now, I would leave the power in his hands. He could steal my recorder and notes and write the article himself, taking credit for everything. It wouldn’t be the first time it happened at this paper, and I really didn’t want it to happen to me. I’d worked too damn hard for that. I wouldn’t give it up now.
“I’m still working on it,” I told him through gritted teeth. “But I’ll have a meeting set up soon enough.”
No, I would present everything to him at the last minute, when he would have to present it as it was. That would leave him with no choice at all. I wanted my name next to the story about Roy, no one else’s, and that wasn’t just because I was developing some really strong feelings for him.
“Okay, well if it gets a little too tough, then you can always get me on board. Especially if you have already set up the meetings. I don’t mind taking over, especially if you have done all of the hard graft.”
I had to look down at the ground to stop myself from flipping out at that point, and while my eyes zoned in on my shoes, I spotted the mud still there, too much for me to have completely cleaned up, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself. I remembered everything about that night, in great detail because it was all that I’d been thinking about ever since, and it still had my heart fluttering like crazy.
“Well, I’ll let you get on with it then,” Mike gave up when he sensed that he wasn’t about to get a rise from me, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Roy had been amazing that night, in every single way, and it had me wanting to be with him over and over again. I thought that I would return home afterwards and my senses would flood back to me, leaving me with nothing but regret – but that hadn't happened at all. How could I think that way when I was left so damn happy? How could I regret overstepping that line when it made me feel so good?
I’d discussed it with Hailey, of course, the very next morning, and after her squeals of excitement had died down and I’d told her all the gory details, on her insistence, we got down to what was really worrying me.
She’d reassured me that I had nothing to feel bad about and that she hadn't seen me so happy in a very long time, but the anxiety about it all was still there. I guessed that picturing Mike’s smug face when he found out what I’d done had me more afraid than anything else.
That was why the article needed another rewrite. I had to get it absolutely perfect – this really was my one shot, and now that I’d already caused complications for myself, I had to do everything else to the absolute best of my ability.
***
By the time everyone started filtering out of the office, I felt absolutely exhausted. I wanted to stay to work on my article for a little while longer, but my head was pounding and my eyes were spinning, so I had to make a move. I printed off the article to take it to show Hailey, knowing that she would tell me where I had gone wrong.
I tried to call her, but when she didn’t answer, I did the next best thing and headed over to the Hangout where it was likely she would still be working. It hadn't escaped my attention that I usually did my best to avoid this place, for fear of being around kids who I knew that I couldn’t help, yet over the last few days I’d been going there a lot, even working there at one point. Each time, I grew more comfortable around them all.
Maybe I did have maternal side in there after all; maybe it was finally coming out after all this time.
I took a second to think about Roy and his wife, desperately wanting a baby, but never getting one. That must have been heartbreaking for Roy, to not be able to give her the only thing that she wanted, and I wondered if that contributed to why he was so shut off. Maybe he felt like he’d disappointed one woman, then he’d lost her, and he didn’t want to again. I wasn’t sure if he even wanted kids anymore, he hadn't expressed that to me, but it must have been really hard for him to accept that it wasn’t ever going to happen.
I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d told me that to put me off him, to warn me that things could never get that far…but clearly, it hadn't worked. It wasn’t something that I was particularly thinking about in the immediacy of my future anyway, so it didn’t really matter.
As I walked through the doors, feeling a small sense of home passing through my system as I did, I asked the receptionist if could see Hailey.
“She’s gone home for the day,” she told me regretfully, popping her gum as she spoke. “But I can give her a message if you like.”
“No, it’s all right,” I sighed, clutching the article between my fingers. “I guess I’ll just speak to her later.”
I turned to leave, disappointment crashing over me, but before I could get to the door, I felt a tapping on my hip. I spun around and looked down to see the beautiful, wide-eyed girl that I’d actually gotten to know the previous week.
“Hi Ali,” I smiled, leaning down to meet her eyes. “How are you doing?”
“I missed you,” she told me, sending me a smile. “I’m glad you came back to see me.”
Of course, I had promised her that I would. Luckily, I’d managed to keep my promise without even realizing it. “Would you like to go and play?” I asked her, actually wanting to spend time with her, not even out of obligation. “Do you have any more puzzles or anything that you want me to help you with?”
“Can we have a tea party?”
As I sat among the teddies, sipping plastic cups of tea, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I’d never seen myself at the type of person who would find this kind of stuff amusing; I always assumed that it would be totally boring and forced, but with Ali, it felt like fun. I was sad for the girl, especially that she’d lost her parents at such a young age, but I was also glad that I had been given the opportunity to get to know her.
“I think we better start packing up,” I told her regretfully.
“We might have to get going soon.”
She jumped up and wrapped her arms tightly around me, which spread a happy glow inside of me, before setting about tidying up her toys.
“That’s amazing,” one of the Hangout workers said to me as I stood up. “I have never seen that girl even talk before, never mind hug anyone. You must have some sort of magic powers. Do you work with kids or something? Is that how you knew how to get her to open up?”
“No, I’m a journalist,” I smiled at her. “I just… I connect with her, I suppose.”
“That’s just incredible.”
As she shook her head in surprise, I couldn’t help but think that Ali was the one who was incredible. She’d been through one hell of a trauma, lost everything, yet she still managed to have a smile on her face. It made me feel guilty for all the times I’d blown my own issues out of proportion. I’d spent so much time getting in my head about things, when really I should have just been living my life in more of a carefree way.
“Does Hailey know about Ali?” she gasped again in shock, tossing her hair to one side. I got the feeling that if I didn’t shut this down now, she would end up making a massive deal of things.
“I’m on my way over to her house now,” I replied quickly. “I’ll talk to her about it then.”
I said a quick goodbye to Ali before rushing outside, not wanting anyone else to tell me that I was some sort of miracle worker, because I didn’t feel that way, at all.
To me, it seemed like Ali had chosen me – she’d decided to let me in, not the other way around. I didn’t want credit for that; I didn’t deserve it. I got the impression that Ali sensed how anxious I was on that day when I first met her, and she talked to me to make me feel better. Luckily, for the both of us, we just got along really well. She was a sweet kid, there was so much to like about her.
