“Sit down,” her grandmother said softly after a frustrated sigh. When Martina didn’t move, Katherine glanced up, her eyebrow lifted as if saying did you hear me.
Martina reclaimed her seat but diverted her gaze. Carolyn should have been the one getting a speech. As a matter of fact, she should have been given a good talking to years ago maybe after her second marriage.
“Your mother didn’t know your father was married.”
Martina jerked her head. “Excuse me?”
“She didn’t know until you were conceived.”
Martina’s heart rate kicked up. Shock volleyed inside of her.
“How … how is that possible? Didn’t she ever ask? What happened when she went over to his house? What did he do, hide all the family photos and lock his wife in the cellar? Was my mother that clueless?”
“When they were dating, he never told Carolyn he was married. From what I understand, they either met in her dorm room or his apartment. He didn’t give her any reason to think that he wasn’t single. When he found out she was pregnant, he insisted you weren’t his and accused her of sleeping around.”
“Had she been?”
Katherine shook her head. “She denied his accusations, and I believe her. That man deceived your mother. She was young and impressionable. He was much older. For over six months he wined and dined Carolyn, making her think he was in love with intentions of marriage. Then she got pregnant. Your father offered to pay for an abortion and when Carolyn didn’t accept the money he disappeared.”
Martina sat stunned. “Why didn’t she tell me this? Why are you bringing it up now?”
“She’s ashamed, MJ. Despite what you might think of your mother, she was a good girl. I never told you because I had hoped that one day you two could find some common ground and talk instead of arguing for a change. Now it seems your relationship with her is getting worse. I can’t stand watching the way you two hurt each other. She’s your mother. You’re her daughter. There is no closer relationship.”
A stab of guilt cut through Martina like lightening hitting metal, scorching every nerve within her. She couldn’t believe her mother had gone through this and never told her.
“How did she find out this guy was married?”
“Your grandfather had planned to hunt him down and put a bullet in his head.”
Martina gasped.
“Don’t act so surprised. You know as well as I do that man would do anything for his family.”
“So that’s how my father died? Grampa killed him?” Martina’s hand rested over her heart, disbelief clouding her mind. She couldn’t believe her grandfather had killed her father or anyone for that matter. Her mother had told her that her father died in a car accident.
“No, Steven didn’t kill him. He hired a private investigator who found your father. Once your grandfather had the man’s information, he went to see him. Put the fear of God in the guy.” She shook her head and smiled as if mentally going back to that day. “Steven told him that if he ever approached Carolyn again, the authorities would find him at the bottom of the Ohio River. That’s also when your grandfather found out he was married. Rodrick begged him not to tell his wife and your grandfather agreed but told him she would probably find out when he started paying child support.”
Martina’s head felt as if a storm was brewing inside her skull as she tried processing everything.
“My father’s name was Rodrick?”
“His name is Rodrick Lachey. He lives in Dayton, Ohio.”
“He’s alive?”
Katherine nodded. “As far as we know. The only time you asked about your father was when you were four. I wanted to tell you everything, but your mother wanted him to remain dead to you.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because it’s way past time you knew and I want you to make things right with your mother. Life is short, sweetheart. You might not agree with the way she lives her life, but Carolyn loves you. She always has. She just doesn’t know how to deal with you.”
Martina knew she hadn’t made it easy on her mother. Guilt lodged in her gut. She had been a rambunctious child determined to drive Carolyn crazy.
Martina groaned and held the sides of her head, recalling some of the nasty things she had said over the years.
She should hate me.
“When Carolyn dropped out of college, she was working two jobs trying to take care of you. The child support helped, but it wasn’t enough.”
“So we moved in here,” Martina finished. She sat back in the chair still trying to process everything she had learned.
“I said earlier that you and your mother are a lot alike. You’re both kind-hearted, hard-working, loyal and … very stubborn. Must’ve taken that stubbornness after your grandfather.” She spoke the last words without a smile, but Martina heard the humor in her voice. “Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. Holding on to anger is never a good idea. As for that Ms. Independent attitude that you wear like a badge of honor, you’re going to be a very lonely woman if you keep pushing people away. You’ve done it with your mother, and you’re doing it with Paul. You and that mouth of yours just keeps getting in the way.”
Paul.
Martina’s heart throbbed thinking about how she’d been treating him. It wasn’t just her mouth that was the problem, but also her attitude and fear of not being in control of her feelings when it came to him. She didn’t know how to fix the problem. She didn’t know how to fix herself.
“I think your mother falls in and out of relationships because she longs for what she once shared with your father. Or what she thought she had.”
“But does she have to marry them? I get sick of watching this ridiculous cycle with her, especially since she’s always the one who gets hurt.”
“Yes, but at least she has been brave enough to try out a relationship. And when they’re over, she’s strong enough to pull herself up, dust herself off and try again. Besides, the third time might be a charm.” Her grandmother shrugged.
Yeah right.
“Martina, let me explain something else about your mother. Carolyn latches on to men who show an interest, hoping that he’ll be the one to fill that void in her heart. Unlike you who has chosen the opposite route, not letting any man get too close.”
Martina didn’t bother asking how or what her grandmother knew about her relationships. Katherine Jenkins seemed to know everything about everyone in the family.
“I saw the way you and the Senator looked at each other a couple of weeks ago.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s in love with you. And if I’m not mistaken, you’re very much in love with him too.”
Martina shook her head and stood. No way could her grandmother see that.
“Let me finish. Sweetheart, if you keep pushing him away or keep trying to keep him at arm’s length, you might miss out on the best thing that has ever happened to you. Don’t be afraid of love. I want all of my children and grandchildren to have what I have with your grandfather.”
“There’s not a man alive like Grampa.”
Katherine laughed. “I agree. No one is like your Grampa, but I have a feeling that Senator of yours comes pretty close.”
“Yeah, he does,” Martina admitted remembering how she had been avoiding him and his phone calls.
What am I going to do about Paul?
Chapter Thirteen
“I’m done,” Paul grumbled after leaving yet another message for Martina. In the last two weeks, she had avoided the majority of his calls.
He needed to have his head checked. Every night he went to sleep thinking about her. She dominated his dreams. And if that weren’t enough, he woke to thoughts of her. Then the cycle started all over again.
Clearly he was suffering from some brain condition. That was the only reason he could come up with to explain why he hadn’t moved on. He never had a problem attracting members of the opposite sex. Yet, there was only one woman who s
parked something within him that he couldn’t seem to walk away from.
“Yep. I need my head examined.”
Paul strolled down the stairs and headed to the kitchen. After putting in some long days, it felt good to sit back on a Sunday evening and watch football. Knowing he didn’t have to travel for the next four days made relaxing that much sweeter.
He pulled a beer from the refrigerator and a bag of chips from the pantry. When he decided to finally renovate the house, he hadn’t thought about how long it would take to adjust to a larger place. Paul loved the house, but he wanted a home and a family.
The thought brought with it the last conversation between him and Martina about where she saw herself in five years. Paul wasn’t ready to give up on her … on them, but at some point, he would have to make some tough decisions if he planned to have a family. He wasn’t getting any younger. If he were blessed with children, he wanted to still be able to chase after them.
Paul took the steps two at a time, returning to the den to watch the second half of the Cincinnati and Pittsburgh game. The moment he sat down and propped his feet on the ottoman, the doorbell rang.
He hurried back down the stairs, assuming it was Davion, but instead recognized Martina’s figure through the textured glass door.
“Hey, wha…” His voice trailed off when she turned to him. The first thing he noticed were her red eyes and then the way she shivered, holding her jacket closed. “What happened? Are you okay?”
He reached for her hand and pulled her inside. Before he could say anything else, she dropped her bag and lunged into his arms. Her body trembled against him, and his protective instincts kicked in.
“Baby, you gotta tell me what happened. Are you hurt?” His heart pounding viciously, he tried loosening her grip from around his waist in order to see her face, but she held on tighter. “Martina, I need you to say something. Talk to me.”
When she still didn’t speak, he thought he heard her sniffle. That couldn’t be because he had never seen her cry. As a matter of fact, he was pretty sure there wasn’t a vulnerable bone in her body.
“Martina.”
“I just need you to hold me,” she mumbled, her voice filled with emotion.
Okay, we’re making progress.
He lifted her effortlessly in his arms, and she buried her face against his neck. Instead of returning to the den, he sat on the chaise lounge in the great room and held her against his body, brushing a kiss on her forehead.
He waited impatiently for her to say something. That smart mouth she used as a weapon, he could handle. Witnessing this side of her, he felt out of his element.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said and tried to pull away, but he didn’t release her. Finding her at his door looking despondent, scared the hell out of him. He held onto her more for himself than for her, wondering why she was apologizing. Maybe whatever was going on had to do with why she’d been avoiding him.
“Tell me what happened.”
“It’s been a tough afternoon.” She wiped her face with the back of her hands. “And then my darn truck broke down and this stupid hill you live on almost killed me.”
“Baby, why didn’t you call me? I would have come and got you.” It didn’t matter that she hadn’t returned the majority of his calls over the past couple of weeks. He would have gone to her.
“I needed the fresh air to help clear my mind. But I underestimated how steep and long that hill is. And I didn’t expect the temperature to drop to thirty-five degrees.”
“That explains why you’re shivering.” He pulled her back against him and rubbed her arms, hoping to generate some heat. “Talk to me. What happened this afternoon?”
After a long hesitation, Martina related her encounter with her mother and the lecture she received from her grandmother. Once she finished telling him everything, they sat in silence except for the upstairs television, which he could barely hear.
“Despite my grandparents encouraging my mother to stay in school and them offering to help with me, she didn’t go back. When I was about two, we moved in with them, and I saw less and less of my mother. She was always gone or working, or falling in and out of love. By the time I was in high school, I didn’t want to have anything to do with her. Our relationship has continued to decline since.”
She sat up but didn’t move from Paul’s lap. He ran his fingers through her soft hair the way he used to do, loving how silky it felt. He also loved that she had come to him. Her stubborn, independent attitude kept her from asking anything of him. So he knew showing up on his doorstep hadn’t been easy for her.
“What happened between you and your mother during your high school years to make you distance yourself?”
“By the time I was a freshman, she was on her second husband. The same as her first marriage, when I was in middle school, she gave me a choice to move in with them or stay with my grandparents.”
“You chose your grandparents,” he said more as a statement than a question. He wished he would have had a choice like that. He would have chosen to live with his grandparents too.
“Actually, my grandparents chose me, feeling they could keep a better eye on me. My mother didn’t argue, and I would have chosen them anyway. They had more love for me in their little finger than my mother could ever muster.”
“Do you really believe that?”
She sighed and laid back against him. “Yes. No. I don’t know what to believe anymore. My mother is flaky. Never finishes anything she starts. Not parenthood, college or anything else from what I can see. I vowed a long time ago that I would be nothing like her. She falls in love at a drop of a hat and then gets dumped. A couple of months later, the cycle starts all over again.”
Now Paul had a better understanding, regarding her resistance to love and commitment. He just wasn’t sure what to do with this new knowledge. There had to be a way to show her she should take a chance on him. On them.
“So why were you crying when you arrived?”
“I wasn’t crying,” she lied. “Some crap flew in my eyes while I was walking here.”
“Uh huh,” was all he could say without laughing at her tough-guy attitude.
“My grandmother’s speech hit its target. Sometimes it’s not easy to hear unfavorable things about yourself.”
“Were they true?”
“Yeah, unfortunately. You probably don’t know this, but I’m good at pushing people away. I also shy away from long-term relationships.”
“Nooo, I would have never guessed.”
They both laughed, but she quickly sobered.
“Gramma told me that if I didn’t straighten, I was going to be a very lonely woman in my old age. No one wants a relationship with someone who is mean and judgmental.” She sat quietly before adding, “She didn’t say that last part, but she might as well had because it’s true.”
Paul held her tighter, glad that she felt comfortable enough to share what was on her mind.
“That scared me.” She pulled away and stood, pacing away from him. “Peyton, Toni and the rest of them are my everything. I survived life because of them. Now that most of them are married or in relationships, we don’t spend as much time together.”
Paul remained quiet, wondering where this conversation was going, but feeling a twinge of hope. Maybe she was finally ready to acknowledge that there was something real between them.
“How do you feel about that?”
She looked up at him, tears lacing her eyelashes. “I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be like my mother who changes relationships as often as some women change nail polish.”
She dropped her head into her hands, and he thought he heard her sob. This was a different, softer side of Martina.
Paul stood and approached her knowing he was going to have to be careful in how he moved forward in their relationship. He wanted her, all of her, but he didn’t want her to be with him only because she was concerned about growing old alone.
He lifted her chin with the pad of his finger, forcing those beautiful brown eyes to look at him.
“What can I do? What do you need from me?”
She swiped at her tears with the back of her hand, but they came just as fast.
She shook her head, her arms were wrapped around herself as if she were still cold. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I need right now.”
“Okay.” He pulled her into his arms and kissed the top of her head. “Come on. Let’s go upstairs. You can take a hot shower and warm up while I find you something to eat.”
*
Martina watched Paul’s every move as he pulled items out of the refrigerator. She liked seeing him when he dressed down. Cincinnati Football was stamped on the front of the t-shirt that stretched across his wide chest. The perfectly worn jeans that hung low on his hips made him look ruggedly handsome.
Hot and sexy were the best words to describe him. At forty, he still had a body that could rival a man in his twenties.
Paul turned to catch her staring at him, but instead of speaking, he winked, sending heat spreading through her body. She didn’t stand a chance at fighting the never ending attraction they shared if a wink could get her all hot and bothered.
Why had she showed up on his doorstep? The plan was to go home, curl up with a bag of potato chips and watch football for the rest of the night. But her truck had a mind of its own and steered itself to Mt. Adams.
She folded her arms on the counter top and lowered her head. Pathetic. That’s what she was. This remarkable, patient man doted on her despite her stupidity and inability to commit. Why couldn’t she just tell him how she felt? That she loved him.
He deserved so much more.
Her grandmother’s words rattled around in her head. Everything she’d said to Martina had been on point, but Martina hadn’t been prepared to hear the truth.
She also hadn’t missed the disappointment radiating in her grandmother’s eyes first in the kitchen and then again upstairs in the bedroom. All Martina wanted was for her mother to step up and stop allowing men to use her. She wanted a mother she could be proud of. She wanted a mother she should be proud of.
Negotiating for Love Page 12
