“And not only do you despise me, but you have shamed me,” he said, and his eyes were not exactly Nathaniel’s eyes. There was venom, a pulse of malice that, for all his irritating personal habits, I would never associate with Nathaniel. Something was wrong here, something more than Nathaniel’s wounded pride. But I was too angry myself to pay attention to that sense of wrongness.
I felt my temper fire up again. “Shamed you how?”
“By loving the thrall,” he said.
I felt everything inside me go still. No one could know about that. No one could even suspect that I felt that way about Gabriel. Well, Lucifer knew, but he was keeping that card in his pocket for some reason of his own. But nobody else could know. If they did, Lucifer’s hand would be forced and Gabriel’s life would be forfeit. It wouldn’t even matter that nothing physical had ever happened between us other than a couple of kisses. Even the possibility that a half nephilim might breed with the daughter of Lord Azazel would be enough to send the sword to his neck.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, and my voice was all wobbly.
“Liar,” he replied, and he stalked toward me. “It is there for anyone with eyes to see.”
Was that true? Had I betrayed us? I’d thought I’d done a better job of hiding my feelings.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said again, and this time my voice was clear and confident. “Gabriel is my bodyguard, nothing more.”
Nathaniel gripped my shoulders and squeezed so hard that I cried out. I tried to pull away from him but he held me firmly in place and I felt panic rise up. He was stronger than me, a lot stronger. And I had no magic.
“He may be nothing more than your bodyguard now,” Nathaniel hissed. “But that is not what you desire of him. It is there in every look that passes between you. It is there in the way that he stands too close to you. It is there in the way your fingertips brush when you walk side by side. It was there in your eyes when you asked me to help you find him, to help you keep the secret of his disappearance from Azazel. Your heart speaks through your face, Madeline. Your love for that thing is there for all to see, and my heart burns in shame when I see it.”
His hands clenched tighter. He was going to bruise my shoulders. I tried to calm him, to soothe.
“Nathaniel, I’m sorry you think that. I’m sorry you feel that way.” I flapped my hands ineffectually at the ends of my wrists. My arms were locked to my sides. “Nathaniel. Nathaniel, you’re hurting me.”
His eyes had turned from frost blue to a dark and blazing sapphire. He looked at me but also beyond at something else only he could see. He pulled me tighter, pulled me closer, until our bodies were pressed together and I couldn’t escape his embrace. I was horrified to feel his erection brush against my stomach.
“Sorry?” he repeated, and his eyes refocused on mine. They were the eyes of a predator. It was like Nathaniel was gone, replaced by something monstrous. “Sorry? I will make you sorry.”
I saw what he intended and I felt cold sweat break out all over my skin. I began to thrash, to scream, but he pressed his lips against mine and swallowed my cry. I couldn’t move my arms but I could clamp down on his lower lip, and I did until he cried out and bled.
“You little bitch,” he said, and he backhanded me across the face with all his strength.
My ears rang and I saw stars. I think I blacked out for a minute because the next thing I knew he was on top of me, pulling at my bloody clothes.
“No,” I said, squirming underneath him, trying to find purchase to punch him, to kick. He had my limbs locked down. “No.”
I felt air on my exposed breasts, tasted his blood in my mouth when he pressed another brutal kiss on me. This could not happen.
“No,” I yelled this time and with that my sleeping magic awoke.
Just as when I’d been attacked by Samiel in the alley, I let the magic push up and out and through me. Nathaniel was flung from my body and crashed into a dresser on the other side of the room. The mirror shattered into a million pieces and the shards flew off with enough force to embed in his arms and back. I could see the twinkling edges of glass protruding from his neck.
I leapt off the bed, drawing nightfire, and hit him full on in the chest with it before he could think. He cried out in pain and I saw the blast burn through his shirt and through the skin of his chest. Scorched muscle showed underneath. He didn’t move.
I stalked toward him, full of fury. He couldn’t be dead yet. I wasn’t done killing him.
He opened his eyes, and they were bleary. I raised another ball of nightfire on my palm and made to throw.
“Wait,” he said, his voice croaky and hoarse.
“Now I know what you are,” I said, and my voice did not sound like my own.
I knew that my eyes must be alight with starshine. I could feel the magic inside me burning in a new way and was filled with not only a desire to take revenge, but a desire to hurt. I wanted him to crawl, to be humiliated. I wanted him to feel the helplessness I had felt. And that feeling was so alien, so monstrous, that it made me pause. I dialed it back a little, just enough so that I felt like myself again.
“Now I know what you are,” I repeated, and my magic covered me like a cloak, pulsing and angry. “You are a monster. I will never marry you.”
He held his hand in front of him as he struggled to his feet, trying to ward off another attack. “Madeline, I don’t know what came over me. It wasn’t me. You must believe me. It wasn’t me. I’m . . .”
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. You’re not sorry. You’re sorry you didn’t succeed.”
“No, I did not mean . . .”
“I know what you meant,” I said through my teeth. “And what do you think Lord Azazel will say when he discovers that you tried to defile his only daughter?”
Nathaniel went pale as the moon. I saw him tremble all over. “You must not . . . you must . . .”
“I must do what I feel is right,” I said. “Your wishes are hardly relevant.”
He fell to his knees again, held his hands out in supplication. “You must not tell Lord Azazel. He will kill me.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, hating him with every cell in my body. “What makes you think that I won’t kill you?”
His hands fell to his sides. “You are right. I have behaved unforgivably. You are well within your rights to end my life.”
I had never seen him like this—his will broken, his body injured. Despite what he had done to me, what he had meant to do to me, I felt a stirring of pity. I knew that I shouldn’t. I was sure now that Nathaniel would never value anything above his own pride, his own advancement. I knew I didn’t want to marry him before—now I knew that I never could. I could never be of so little value to my husband.
“Go,” I said. “Our engagement is over. I will break it to Azazel.”
“Will you tell him what has occurred here?”
“I will if I have to,” I said.
His face shifted and he looked suddenly crafty for a moment—and I again had the sensation that another person was looking through his eyes. “It would be my word against yours, in any case.”
I felt my magic rise up again, my anger peaking once more. “Do not attempt to threaten me.”
He cowered back, the crafty light in his eyes winking out, and dropped his head. “You are right. I am sorry. You are right.”
“And it wouldn’t be her word against yours anyway,” Beezle said from the doorway. “I am a witness, and Azazel knows that I must speak the truth. So you’d be fucked for sure if she decided Azazel needed to know.”
I hadn’t heard Beezle reenter. He hovered near the door, his small face full of thunder.
“Get out of here and do not even breathe in my direction for the next three days,” I said.
Nathaniel stood unsteadily, his right hand covering the exposed muscle in his chest. He staggered to the connecting door without a word and stumbled through.
&
nbsp; I watched him, my body full of tension and magic, until the door closed. Then I looked at Beezle.
“When did you get here?” I asked.
“Right after you blasted that thrice-bedamned bastard into the mirror,” he said.
Beezle hardly ever swore. Neither did I, for that matter. That, more than anything, told me how upset he was. We looked at each other in silence.
“I shouldn’t have left,” he said. “I didn’t think he would try something like that.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t either.”
“We probably should have suspected after we overheard him on the phone,” Beezle said.
“Right. Sneaking around behind Azazel,” I replied.
“If he could do that, he could do anything,” Beezle said.
“Yes,” I said faintly.
He flew to me, hovered in front of me, put his tiny claws on my cheeks. “It’s okay to cry.”
“Okay,” I said, and I did.
After a good cry, and a thorough washing in the shower in which I scrubbed everywhere Nathaniel touched at least a thousand times, I curled up in bed with the blankets over me and my eyes wide open. Try as I might, I couldn’t sleep a bit. Beezle didn’t sleep either, maintaining a watch over the connecting door despite the fact that we’d hooked a chair under the doorknob.
When the first rays of dawn trickled in through the window, I sat up in bed and threw the blankets off, done with the pretense of trying to sleep.
“Breakfast?” Beezle asked, stretching.
“I’m not hungry,” I said.
I didn’t want food. I wanted Gabriel. If he had been here, Nathaniel never would have even tried to hurt me. If Gabriel had been here, I would never have been alone with Nathaniel in the first place.
But you took care of yourself, didn’t you? I thought. Well, yes, I had. When it came down to it, I didn’t need to cower behind a big, strong man. But it would be nice to have a partner to lean on, and that was what Gabriel was to me. When he was with me, I felt all the broken, empty parts of me were filled, and just at that moment it seemed like there were more broken and empty parts than usual.
I walked to the window, looked down at the hustle and bustle in the courtyard. It appeared that more parties were arriving at Amarantha’s court. Several black limousines were lined up near the front door.
I wondered if Wade had told Amarantha what had happened last night, and I wondered where Gabriel was now, if he was safe, if I would ever be able to find him.
I noticed J.B. walking arm in arm with Violet as they greeted the new arrivals. I felt that little flutter in my chest that I had felt the day before, the one that had felt like jealousy, and I knew that it was unfair. If I wasn’t going to date J.B., then I couldn’t be upset if he chose someone else.
But really, the catty part of me whispered, couldn’t he have chosen someone better than Violet? I guess she was okay if you wanted a great body and a snotty personality, but I’d always thought J.B. had more depth than that.
“And really, don’t you have enough man issues without adding J.B. to the mix?” I mumbled to myself.
“What was that?” Beezle said. “I’m an old gargoyle. I can’t hear you.”
I turned to answer him and found him digging in the carry-on bag full of snacks that I’d brought. Empty wrappers and banana peels were strewn on the floor. In the few moments that I’d been at the window he had devoured more than half the food I’d brought.
“Beezle!” I shouted, and he looked up at me guiltily. “That food needs to last three days!”
“I can’t help it,” he whined. “You know I’m a nervous eater. And this stuff isn’t exactly nutrient dense, you know. Not like a slice of cake, say, or a doughnut.”
“I think you need to reexamine the definition of ‘nutrient,’” I said. “I packed that stuff because it was nutrient dense.”
“Yes, but where is the fat and the sugar? When did you decide to get on a health kick?”
I rolled my eyes and turned away to dress. I didn’t want to spend time explaining to Beezle that healthy foods were easier to pack and that we shouldn’t be eating so many doughnuts anyway. It didn’t matter if he ate the whole sack of food in any case. I wasn’t sure I would ever feel like eating again.
Whenever I thought of what had happened the night before, a ball of shame burned in my stomach. I knew that it was Nathaniel who should feel ashamed, and that I had done nothing wrong. But I felt humiliated and helpless, even though I had defended myself.
I never thought it would happen to me. Maybe because I’d spent so much time sheltered from other people. Maybe because I’d thought Nathaniel would always respect Azazel even if he didn’t respect me. I guess everyone thinks it will never happen to them.
I pulled on one of my suits—a black pin-striped one that reminded me of Dana Scully. All I needed was a pair of super-high heels and a red bob, but all I had was black flats and my own messy mop. I pinned my hair in something resembling an updo, and slapped makeup on my face like armor.
My mouth and cheek were bruised where Nathaniel had hit me. I did my best with the cover-up but everyone was going to know I had been hit.
Beezle fluttered up to my shoulder and landed there. He squeezed his claws comfortingly. “No one has to know.”
“They’ll know something happened,” I replied.
“Just glare if anyone tries to ask. You are royalty, after all. You don’t have to answer questions if you don’t want to.”
I practiced my best haughty do-not-speak-to-me-youpeasant look in the mirror. It might put off strangers, but I shuddered to think what J.B. would say when he saw me.
Then I took a deep breath and went out of the room, where I promptly managed to get lost.
After much rushing around hallways listening to Beezle’s useless directions and not seeing anyone to help me, I spotted Jude coming out of a guest room. Great. My least favorite wolf. But at least he would be able to point me toward the throne room—I hoped.
“Jude!” I called, jogging to catch up with him. Beezle flew behind me.
He continued walking down the hall like he hadn’t heard.
“Jude!” I cried, more insistently.
It seemed like he walked a little faster.
“Are you kidding me?” I muttered. “Are you seriously going to pretend that you don’t hear me?”
I sped up until I caught up to him and then tapped his shoulder. I lost Beezle, who panted several feet behind me. Jude turned on me with a snarl.
“What is it, spawn of Lucifer?”
I backed up a step. His fangs were showing. It was very off-putting to see a wolf’s fangs in a human’s mouth.
“Okay,” I said, holding my hands up. “First off, I’m not precisely Lucifer’s spawn.”
“Intervening generations do not change the fact that you are of his blood,” Jude growled.
“Okay, whatever,” I said. I wasn’t about to get embroiled in genetic technicalities with Jude, who clearly wanted to be anywhere that wasn’t near me. “Listen, can you tell me how to get to the throne room? I seem to have made a wrong turn somewhere.”
He smirked at me. “All the powers of the devil don’t come with a compass?”
“Fine, don’t help me,” I said, pushing past him. Obviously Jude had some issues that precluded the possibility of his acting like a civilized human being.
“Wait a second,” he said, and grabbed my shoulder roughly.
Something flashed through my head—Nathaniel holding me in place by my shoulders. I turned on Jude with a yell and knocked his hand from me. My breath came hard and my hands were curled into fists.
He stepped back a little and held up his arms to show he wasn’t dangerous. I could see him examining my face closely and I felt a wave of embarrassment redden my cheeks.
“Who hit you?” he growled.
“Nobody. I fell last night, remember?” I looked down. I couldn’t believe I was lying, making excuses.
He put hi
s hand under my chin, more gently than I thought him capable, and forced my face up to his.
“Somebody hit you,” he said. “I can smell a lie.”
“Yeah, well,” I said, getting some of my gumption back. “I blasted him across the room, so he paid for it.”
“Good,” Jude said shortly, and dropped his hand away. “Follow me. I’m going to the throne room anyway.”
He started down the hallway again. I trotted after him, which was necessary because he was quite a bit taller than me and it took me five steps for every one of his.
He didn’t say anything else, and I was okay with that. I didn’t know what to make of that moment in the hallway, and I’m sure he didn’t either. He was probably already regretting being nice to a descendant of Lucifer. Beezle had caught up with us and settled on my shoulder, letting me do the heavy lifting.
Several minutes later we were at a side entrance to the throne room. Apparently this was the way you came in when you weren’t being formally announced. There were several knots of courtiers already assembled in little cliques around the room.
Amarantha was receiving the various parties that had arrived that morning. There were a couple of different faerie factions from other parts of the country coming in. She looked completely in her element, and I wondered how long she’d practiced that look of benevolent tolerance before she’d perfected it.
Jude took off for the small party of wolves on the opposite side of the room and I looked around for J.B. Wade saw me and gave me a friendly wave, but his brows were furrowed as he consulted with the other wolves.
None of the other courtiers seemed inclined to invite me into their group. I stood awkwardly off to the side, looking hopefully around for someone who would want to talk to me. It probably didn’t help that Beezle had fallen asleep on my shoulder and he was snoring loud enough to wake the dead.
I felt a tap on the shoulder that wasn’t hosting a fat, lazy gargoyle and a second later J.B. was in front of me. I took Beezle off my shoulder because my right ear was deaf and stuffed him in one of the patch pockets on the front of my suit. His arms and head hung over the seam of the pocket, but he kept snoring. I was getting a little worried about Beezle.
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