by Rachel Del
He let the receptionist know he had a meeting with Nathan and settled in to a chair opposite from the hallway. It wasn’t long before he heard his name, except it was Lily standing in front of him.
“Hey…”
“Let’s go into my office.”
Nathan followed her looking something like had just been sent to the principal’s office.
Lily motioned him through the doorway and then closed the door with a click. She sat down at her desk and sighed heavily.
“This is a bit of a mess we’ve gotten ourselves in to here.”
Tanner decided to play dumb. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve put me in such an impossible situation here Tanner.”
He scoffed. “How have I put you in anything?”
“You tell Nate and I about the novel that involves you sleeping with and leading women on and all the while you’ve been dating my twin sister. That is what I mean about you putting me in an impossible situation.” She cut him off before he could say anything. “I’m trying to be objective here but while one side of me wants to applaud you for what is sure to be an amazing and successful novel, the other side – the side that in no way sees this turning out well for my sister – wants to throttle you.”
In an attempt to calm himself, Tanner took in a deep breath before responding.
“For one, this started long before Leah. And secondly, I had no idea that she was your sister.” He stopped himself from adding: because if I had I never would have told you about the novel. That would only make things worse.
“I want to believe you, but I can’t. I just can’t.” For a moment Lily debated coming right out with it and telling him what she really thought of him, but she thought better of it.
“With all due respect, Lily, the only thing that matters to me is what Leah believes.”
“So she knows about the book then?”
Tanner locked eyes with her, pleading for her to understand. “No.” It came out in a near whisper. Tanner couldn’t ignore the feeling of shame spreading through his body. It was not new to him. In fact, he had almost become used to the feeling of guilt knocking at the inside of his rib cage.
“Jesus, Tanner!”
Tanner leaned in towards her, placing his hands flat on the desk between them, his fingers spread. “Listen to me, Lily. Please. I started this long before Leah was even a possibility in my life. Besides,” he added, “I can’t write it anyways. I’ve been trying for months. It’s just not happening.”
Lily felt a bubbling inside of her chest. Ever since their weekend in Santa Barbara months ago where she had first begun to get to know him Lily had started to believe that there was something off about him. She couldn’t put a finger on what it was, but the concern had always been there in the back of her mind. And now that she knew he was dating Leah, it felt as though it was her duty to find out. She sighed deeply, wishing that she wasn’t in the position to ask what she knew she needed to.
“Did you continue on with your research after you started seeing her?”
It was the question that Tanner had feared, but had also known was inevitable. “Lily…”
“Answer the question.”
He knew without a doubt that there was no going back if he answered honestly. And worse, there was nothing stopping her from running right to Leah and telling her everything.
The room became so quiet that Tanner swore he could hear the ticking of the wall clock.
“She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t want anything serious, so I saw no reason to stop my research.”
Lily fought the desire to reach out and slap him across his arrogant face. “So you’ve been cheating on my sister.”
“No. I haven’t. We aren’t together.”
“You can call it whatever you want Tanner. But in my mind, you’re nothing but an arrogant, unfaithful pig. And you need to get out of my office right now.”
__
“I’m going to ask you some tough questions today.”
Tanner scoffed. “As opposed to the easy ones I’ve answered so far?”
Dr. Schultz gave him a small, knowing smile. “How did you mourn Manny’s passing?”
Tanner thought back to his twenty-one year old self.
“I didn’t, really,” he said with a sigh. “I just kind of shut down.”
“Can you tell me what you did in the few weeks following his death?”
Tanner thought back. “I drank. A lot.”
“And?”
“I don’t know. I just kind of shuffled around on autopilot. I went to work, I came home, I cooked dinner and drank, watched television and then went to bed. Most days were like that.”
“What about your friends that were there with you that weekend? Did you continue to see any of them after the event?”
The event. “No.”
“And why not, do you think?”
Tanner could vividly recall the looks that he would get from his friends. They were a mix of pity and confusion and maybe a little bit of anger. He hadn’t been able to save him, and they would never understand what that does to a person.
“I couldn’t bear to look at them. I was convinced that they all thought it was my fault that Manny drowned.”
“Did someone say that to you? That it was your fault.”
“No.”
“But you thought they all felt that way?”
His answer was a resounding yes.
“Did your friends try to reach out to you? Did they still want to see you?”
“Most of them called. A lot actually. But I never returned their calls. Eventually, they got the message and stopped reaching out.”
He explained how he couldn’t bear to look at them and found it impossible to continue hanging out with them the way they had while Manny was still alive.
“Did you talk to anyone about what you were going through? Someone who wasn’t there that weekend? Your mom, or your sister maybe?”
“My sister Elle was really the only one that could get through to me during that time. She flew out to New York as soon as she heard the news. She even went to the funeral alone when I couldn’t bear to bring myself to go. It’s thirteen years later and she is still the only one I’ve spoken to about it… in detail that is.”
“So Leah doesn’t know about Manny?”
“She does not.”
Dr. Schultz took in a long, deep breath and shuffled in her seat. “Tanner. From everything I’ve heard in our sessions so far, I can tell that you’re used to putting on an act for everyone. You decided long ago that Manny’s death was your fault and that you don’t deserve to be truly happy, and so you – consciously or not – work to sabotage every opportunity for happiness that comes along. By not telling Leah about the book you’re writing, by not being open with her about why you are the way you are, you’re not giving the relationship a fair chance. All this time you’ve been telling me how worried you are that she will leave, but all I see is you taking two steps back for every one she takes towards you.”
Tanner remained silent.
“It’s okay to let someone in. Especially someone you so obviously strongly care about.”
“I know,” he said. “It’s just not that easy.”
“Tell me, Tanner, did you always want to write for a living?”
“I always had an inkling that it was something I might like to do, but it wasn’t until I moved to New York that I began to think seriously about it.”
“What do you think it is that made writing sound worthwhile? What was it that drew you towards it?”
“I don’t know really.”
“Think about it.”
Tanner released a slow, steady breath. “I guess the flexibility is good. I work on my own time and at my own pace.”
Dr. Schultz nodded. “What else?”
Tanner sat up straighter in his chair. “I get to be creative every day, and my books are whatever I want them to be.”
The doctor held out her ha
nd, palm to the ceiling. “Exactly.”
“Exactly what?” He asked, perplexed.
“Think about what you just told me.”
Tanner looked down at his lap and smiled to himself. Really, he’d known that he was that way for as far back as he could recall, but had always banished the thought from his mind. Knowing, however, was a far cry from accepting.
“I’m in control.”
“Exactly.”
Tanner smiled again. “And I’m trying to control Leah. That’s what you’ll say next, right?”
“Do you think you’re trying to control her?”
“I don’t really like how that sounds, or what it means. But….” he trailed off.
“But what, Tanner?”
“She’s the first thing I haven’t had control over since the accident.”
Dr. Schultz smiled. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
Chapter 14
After Manny’s death Tanner had been sure that he would never let someone into his life in the same way. Around the same time, across the Country, Leah too had herself convinced that because she couldn’t make it work with Sam, there would never be anyone else for her.
Both of them had been so wrong.
When Leah had first appeared at her doorstep wanting to talk about Tanner, Lily had held back, letting her sister talk her way through her thoughts. But it wasn’t long before she could sense just how lost Leah was feeling; how truly out of her comfort zone she was.
“It scares me, Lil.”
“I think that’s normal to a certain extent, especially in the beginning.” Lily’s thoughts wander to Nathan. “But as time goes on you start to look at this person and feel as though the whole world could crumble around you but you’d be fine as long as you have each other.”
“If you’re trying to change my mind you’re on the right track.”
“I’m not trying to change your mind. I think it’s amazing that you’re finally ready to settle down.”
She resisted the urge to add that she just wished it were with someone more worthy.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, okay? But I’m scared that I’ll turn into you.”
Lily looked taken aback. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing… now. But you were a completely different person once you married Thomas.”
Leah had heard those words before but that didn’t mean they stung any less.
“It was like you put aside everything that made you, you, in order to become the kind of person you thought you should be with him.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me that’s how you felt?”
“You seemed happy, Lil. And that’s all I wanted for you. He was the first person who seemed to be able to help you move on after mom passed away.”
“Was I really that bad?” Lily asked in a near whisper.
“You just weren’t yourself. I thought that maybe having Ben might make a difference, but even he didn’t bring you back,” she said. “Then you met Nathan, and I could see the real you come out of hiding. It’s like with him you found yourself again.”
Lily managed a small smile. “Leah, I want you to really listen to what I’m about to say. You are not me. You will never be. You are in some ways so much better than I’ll ever be. But I’m telling you: if you walk away from Tanner you will spend the rest of your life agonizing over whether or not it was the right decision. That’s no way to live your life.”
“But what if he can never be what I need him to be?”
Lily laughed, but not unkindly. “No one is ever exactly what you need them to be, nor will you be exactly what he needs you to be. But that’s part of the fun. You grow and learn and better yourselves together. And there’s some real magic in that.”
“You sound like mom.”
“Hmm,” Lily said, smiling. “I think that’s probably the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
Leah sighed. “So I shouldn’t be scared…”
“A little fear never hurt anyone,” Lily responded. “Just be honest with him. Honesty is the only way.”
She watched her sister smile nervously and wished with all her heart that Leah might bring out a more honest side in Tanner.
She didn’t want to think about what that might mean for their relationship.
Leah wanted to be honest with Tanner. She wanted to open up to him and tell him every little thing that was running through her mind since returning from New York. She’d called him the moment she landed at McCarran and he’d been more than happy to pick her up and bring her back to her apartment. Her heart told her it was now or never. She had to be honest with him.
But something in the way that he looked at her stopped her.
“What?” she asked, fresh out of the shower, towel drying her hair. She slunk down onto the bed beside him.
“Why do you think you have trouble with intimacy?” Tanner asked, looking her square in the eyes.
Leah reeled back in surprise.
“I don’t have trouble with intimacy,” she said. “I just choose not to take part in it.”
“That’s no way to live.”
“I’ve done okay so far.”
“As far as I can tell you’ve pushed away any guy who has tried to get close to you, including me.”
Leah thought about her afternoon with Sam; about the feelings that seeing him had brought to the surface. After all those years of back and forth – of bad timing and missed chances – she could finally have him… have a real shot with the first man she had ever loved.
Sam had so much as said the words – “here’s our chance… finally” – yet all she could think about was Tanner.
Tanner and his writer’s block.
Tanner and his drinking problem.
Tanner and the person he pretended to be in front of everyone.
“That’s not fair…”
Tanner responded without skipping a beat. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
Leah said nothing.
“What happened to you anyways? Everyone has reasons for their neurosis. What are yours?”
“So now I have intimacy issues and I’m neurotic? That’s interesting coming from you. You’re the most neurotic person I know.” There was a twinge of anger in her voice.
“And I don’t disagree with you. But I’m working on my problems which is more that I can say for you.”
“I’m here aren’t I?” she shouted out of exasperation. “I’m here with you right now.”
“Yeah,” Tanner said. “For now you are. But you’ll run off again.”
Leah felt like screaming in frustration, but more than anything she wanted him to be wrong about her…. Wrong about them.
“This was supposed to be easy, Tanner.”
“What was? Us?”
“Yes. It was supposed to be easy and fun and light. But it’s not. It’s messy and complicated and that’s not what I want.”
Leah regretted her words almost immediately. What she’d meant was that she didn’t want the mess. She didn’t want the complications. But she did still want him.
“That’s the thing I don’t get Leah,” he began, choosing his words carefully. “It’s not messy or complicated at all, but you seem convinced that it is.” He exhaled deeply. “Just answer me this: what are you so afraid of?”
It was a question with both an easy and difficult explanation. She could easily tell him that her two biggest examples of marriage and love had ended in heartbreak, leaving her with little faith in the process. Or she could open her heart and explain why. The latter would help him to understand why she is the way she is; why she had never fully opened herself up to anyone, and why the thought of doing so terrified her more than anything in the world.
Tanner broke her away from her thoughts.
“Come to Santa Barbara with me. Let’s get away for a few days, just you and me.”
“I’ve only just gotten back from New York.”
“You told me once that you’ve never been there
, so I know you want to go,” he said. “I know you. I know you don’t like to sit still for too long.”
Tanner couldn’t help but think of the two of them side by side on the beach, staring out at the water, then running barefoot through the house towards the shower, sprinkling sand in their wake.
“I’ll make it worth your while, believe me,” he said suggestively.
“You do know that’s the woman’s line, yes?”
“Funny, I kind of figured it went both ways in this relationship.”
Leah stumbled over his use of the word, having spent the last eight weeks running away from what now felt undeniable. Despite how crazy he drove her, she was falling for him.
Chapter 15
Leah had heard all of the stories by then. The stories of the women that Tanner took to his Santa Barbara house and the things they had done. It seemed that by being seen in public with Tanner, she had opened herself up to becoming the target of every well-meaning but clearly wounded, resentful woman who felt it was her duty to inform Leah of what she was getting herself into.
In the beginning the stories had been entertaining and Leah thought they often said more about the storyteller than anything else, but now there were feelings involved. And as Tanner signaled and pulled into what could easily be described as the most beautiful California house she had ever seen, Leah felt suddenly anxious.
When Tanner linked his fingers with hers, urging her through the doorway saying, “A lot of people have been in and out of this house, but you’re by far my favorite guest,” her anxiety only increased. It wasn’t until she had been given the grand tour and they found themselves out on the back patio that she released the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in.
“What’s wrong?” Tanner asked, tearing his eyes from the sprawling view in front of them and fixing them on her. For a moment Leah contemplated telling him everything.
She would tell him about the stories she had been told, tell him about how she had missed him while she was away, and had felt as though she was being pulled back to Las Vegas because of him. She would tell him that ever since Lily had planted the idea in her mind that his writing was tied to her, she had felt a mix of nervousness and pleasure.
