Sometimes it is not competition that threatens female friendships: sometimes it is fear of the depth of our own feeling; or the fear of being vulnerable, the apprehension of not knowing how to love and be accepted despite our flaws; or the fear of not trusting others to have the wisdom to get it right; perhaps it’s the fear shaped by our need for control that keeps us from trusting others; or the fear of failure shaped by years of wanting to prove we are the best at what we do. And then there is the fear shaped by our culture that discourages us from venturing into the unknown, fear steeped in our culture that says exposing our vulnerability is not woman enough, or Western enough, or African enough, for it is a sign of weakness.
I was going through some personal family issues at one point in America and I needed someone to hear me, to provide some emotional support, so I called a friend in Oklahoma. Beth listened and for a long time remained silent. I talked more and still there was silence . . . the silence soon became unendurable. “Beth, are you still there? Has the phone gone dead?” I panicked as I assumed I had been talking to a dead phone all this time. She said, “No, dear, I am still here . . .” I waited for a response to what I had shared and none came. I was at a loss.
As I was deciding whether to continue or to hang up the phone silently, I heard Beth’s voice sounding strained and strangely contrite as if she was feeling sorry for my lack of understanding. She said, “In this culture, we find it difficult to discuss such personal issues.” Taken aback, all I could say was “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize . . .” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“In this culture, it’s not appropriate to involve others in one’s personal problems, particularly when related to family issues,” she went on. As though she wanted to get it all out, Beth hurriedly continued, “I know this might be different from Africa, which by the way I admire the culture very much, however, we just don’t divulge such personal things in this culture.” All I could do while she spoke those words, and she said them slowly, as though trying to convince a toddler in that beautiful Southern drawl of hers, was to scribble down each word.
Afterward, I looked at that small piece of paper and felt the deep echoes of our silences, my own silencing and hers, and the gaps that our love, healing, mentorship—perhaps even the tears of exposing our vulnerability and tears of comradeship—could have filled. The silence of this beautiful woman and how her silences shaped and confined her saddened me. How can we thrive if we allow ourselves to be so cut off from one another?
In response to the myth of toxic female friendships and to the reverberating silence of those who struggle to enter into the deep, vulnerable power of relationship, we need to raise up the sahwira tradition. The sahwira tradition helps us recover and value female friendships, empowers us to work on cultivating healthy female friendships, as well as to normalize and name support networks in cultures where there are few.
I was reminded of the sahwira recently when reading Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies. Historically and in contemporary society, Traister reminds us, female friendships have great significance in women’s lives. We may know this, but often we do not hear about them, and certainly, there are few rituals to honor these relationships. Historically speaking, when marriage was still mostly a social contract entered into for economic purposes rather than for love or friendship or sexual fulfillment, Traister reveals, “friendships often provided women with attention, affection, and an outlet for intellectual or political exchange.”3
Although today many do marry for love, affection, and intellectual exchange, Traister helps us to see that female friendship remains central to women’s lives: “Among the largely unacknowledged truths of female life is that women’s primary, foundational, formative relationships are as likely to be with each other as they are with the men we’ve been told since childhood are supposed to be the people who complete us.”4 Let us recover this history and let us proclaim the truth of our own time: women’s relationships with each other are significant, foundational, and lifelong. We have so much power to lift one another up; we have been doing it over the course of human history and we shall and must continue to do it.
How are these friendships honored? Traister points out that as powerful and significant as female friendships are to women’s lives, these relationships are largely unacknowledged in any socially meaningful way. “There has not yet been any satisfying way to recognize the role that we play for each other,” she observes.5 “There aren’t any ceremonies to make this official. “There aren’t weddings; there aren’t health benefits or domestic partnerships or familial recognition.”6
We have all sorts of holidays and rituals for celebrating and acknowledging spousal relationships, but so very few when it comes to female friendship. On the contrary, we have media messages showing women fighting over men, competing with other women for everything from love to clothing to beauty, and with so few women in top leadership positions, it seems there’s only room for a few of us.
This notion that female friendship is toxic, competitive, a sign of weakness, and not socially valuable is a dangerous myth, one that highlights how much we need to proclaim and celebrate the heart of the sahwira. The sahwira will help us recover and uncover the illuminating potential of female friendships.
Research suggests that in addition to being spiritually and emotionally good for women’s lives, there are quite a few physical benefits to female friendships. Melissa Pandika writes about a number of recent studies in her funny and informative article “Why Girl Gangs Make for Good Health.”7 As Pandika reports, research shows that “a tightly knit group of girlfriends might lower the risk for diabetes, cancer and other chronic diseases, possibly resulting in healthier, longer lives.” In addition, “studies hint that friendships help women weather stress, lowering their risk for disease.” But it’s not just about having friends; it’s about having quality, meaningful friendships. Pandika explains,
A recent breast cancer study found that, compared with socially integrated women, socially isolated women had a whopping 34 percent higher risk of death. But the quality of their relationships mattered, too—women with small social networks and low levels of support had a 61 percent higher likelihood of dying than those with small networks and high support. That means ditch the crappy friends and focus on the real thing.8
I adore Pandika’s humor and at the same time, my dear sisters, I shudder at the thought of all that we are deprived of when we are deprived of one another. I also ululate at the healing and uplifting possibilities available to us and to generations to come if we embrace the heart of the sahwira.
During my time at Oklahoma State University, I established many sahwira mentors, but one in particular stands out: Regina Henry, coordinator of international students and scholars. The first time I met her she was addressing the new international students. Strong and beautiful in her brownish suit, she stood by the podium leaning out toward us as she warned against letters that we would soon receive. “Welcome to America, dear students,” she said, clearing her throat. All eyes were on her. “Very soon some of you will be receiving bogus letters claiming you have won lotteries worth millions. Soon you will think you are so lucky and have become millionaires. Be very careful, it’s all a scam. There is nothing for free in those letters; rather, you will end up losing your money trying to claim the so-called winnings.” Friendly, and yet firm, Regina never minced her words. She instantly reminded me of my mother’s sahwira.
I wanted to know her more and so I soon made my way to her office. We quickly became friends as she connected me to the wider community of Stillwater. Regina invited me to participate in a campus event where I shared cultural dishes from my village. Over the years, Regina mentored me through visa changes that allowed me to continue working in the United States.
She also warmed my children’s hearts in many ways. One day she noticed my son crying as he watched other children riding bicycles. Not long after that, she surprised him with his own bicycle that an
other family had donated. This act of generosity had a huge impact on him. When at seventeen he was ready for college, he easily chose OSU, saying, “After all, it’s the place where I first rode a bicycle.” It surprised me to know that after years away from Stillwater, he so clearly remembered the sahwira mentor and the community that helped us to thrive as a family. To this day, when people ask my son where he is from, he smiles and says, “Stillwater, Oklahoma.” And Regina remains in my circle of sahwiras.
You see, when I held my dreams alone, they were unstable, but when I added the energy of another who believed in me, my dreams could take root. My dearest friends, we cannot deny love that comes from our fellow women. As humans we are social animals. Our collective empathy, friendship, and responsibility toward one another are what awaken our humanity, and therefore, each of us is fertile ground that nurtures, inspires, and enables growth in each other.
This fertile ground has unlimited power, if we would only plant in it. Female friendship is good for our physical, emotional, and spiritual health. It crosses so many barriers meant to keep us apart. It has always been there for us, for our mothers, and our grandmothers, and many more before them. We have to claim it, with intention and an open heart.
I See You/I’m Here
Many native South Africans have a particular way of greeting strangers and familiar people that recognizes the essence of the moment, which we believe is not a “hello” but a deeper interaction of our ubuntu. Our greetings express the power of our collectiveness, acknowledging and giving space to each other’s joy, pain, and dignity.
For example, the Zulu greeting starts with “Sawubona,” which means “I see you.” The response is “Ngikhona,” “I am here.” The person being greeted is saying to the greeter “by recognizing me, you brought me into existence.” The “I see you” invocation is a spiritual ethic that magnifies our shared humanity. This greeting is a mutual, reciprocal way of recognizing not only each other’s existence but also each person’s significance and value to our existence here on earth. By saying, “I see you/I’m here” we affirm that we are inextricably connected in ways beyond human understanding, and our survival is dependent on one another.
“I see you/I’m here” proclaims that we are both equal, and a gift to each other. We see each other’s greatness as Nyadenga, the Great Spirit, the creator meant us to be. This is a declaration of intent to fully inhabit the other person’s spirit and presence.
The most powerful part of the “I see you/I’m here” invocation is the eye contact between the two speakers. Facing each other, eyes looking deeply into the other’s eyes, there is a moment of silence before the greeting. A deep connection and a sense of oneness are established without any words. Eye contact provides a great mirror into the other. Looking into each other’s eyes, they see the reflection of themselves, their joy, pain, and their dreams, and recognize their oneness.
“I see you/I’m here” encourages us to appreciate the gift of the moment. It calls us to be grateful to what is in front of us, to see joy and vulnerability and to reach out to others. There is no stronger foundation upon which to build dreams than gratitude, forgiveness, and empathy! “I see you/I’m here” nurtures our dreams, because when we recognize the presence of others and their gift to us, we nurture their dreams and help sustain our own.
An understanding of building relationships that are authentic and based on the power of our collectiveness and the gift found in our oneness is critical for our survival. Is the foundation of your “I see you” strong enough to bring joy and healing to others? Is your “I see you” authentic enough to pass on this ritual to the next generation? The “yes” to these questions should be matched with how we show up in the world. I know there will be setbacks, and sometimes enormous challenges, but the invocation of “I see you/I’m here”—when practiced in an intentional, sahwira relationship—is about showing up despite whatever changes are occurring in our lives.
The Heart of a Sahwira
We find powerful friendships by embodying the heart of a sahwira. Each of us can be a sahwira, just as we look to others to fill that role for us. What defines the heart of the sahwira? For me there are three central and interwoven characteristics:
• Sacred sisterhood is embedded in the sahwira structure. It is a pact you make. It enables women to rely on one another, and to take risks by being open to love, hurt, and disappointment.
• For the sahwira, giving and receiving takes all forms and should not be restricted to material things. It is important that you also remain a giver of your knowledge, wisdom, love, and empathy, and that you receive gifts from others with grace and gratitude.
• The sahwira is authentic in both receiving and giving. Give what is needed without being overbearing, and receive what you need without making it a duty to impress the giver.
My fellow women, we need each other. We need to stand on each other’s shoulders and believe in the power of our collectiveness and how it can amplify our feminine energy for the greater good. I have seen it. I have experienced that when women consider themselves to be social catalysts, an unbreakable movement, they begin to see changes in themselves as well as in their communities.
As the global community “westernizes” and imitates an artificial lifestyle of individualism, where the sense of “collectiveness” is more elusive, the relationships that we create are not fluid, and we become stuck. We cannot move. Fear, distrust, and competitiveness get in the way of creating strong sahwira relationships. And yet, tapping into one another, the harmonious choir of our feminine energy empowers community building.
Yes, it is that important. My mother believed in the traditional African philosophy of ubuntu, which purports that “a person is a person through other persons,” and that there exists a common bond among us all despite race, gender, class, backgrounds, and any other forms of difference. This sacred philosophy offers an understanding of ourselves in relation to the world.
My sahwiras, our wholeness comes from knowing that we belong, that we are but pieces of a larger community, and therefore the joy of others is our own, and so is their suffering. The heart of the sahwira is open to give and receive; it trusts in the knowledge of our connectedness; it does not fear jealousy or competition, but instead basks in the bright light of collaboration and sharing and building.
SACRED RITUAL TO WEAVE YOUR SAHWIRA’S WEB
The sahwira is all about building an authentic support network, one of mutually supportive connections. These may be found among family, friends, relatives, or others who share goals similar to yours. You might find it through social media. You might find it in a neighbor. The key is to take support and counsel from those who are going to boost you toward your goals rather than from those who doubt you. If you don’t have family members who can fill this role for you, seek out others who share the desire to identify, work toward, and fulfill a greater purpose.
As you begin to create your own sahwira network, here are a few important things to explore in your journal:
First Ask Yourself Why You Need a Sahwira?
It is important to ask yourself why you need one, and what value will they bring in your life and vice versa, so that you are not just blindly searching around in the dark but have a clear intention and purpose in creating this relationship. In your journal or notebook, explore the questions: What qualities in a mentor and friend will support my vision? What do I bring to the relationship?
Identify Individual Sahwira
Identifying at least one loyal friend and building a relationship of mutual support may mean the difference between achieving your dreams and allowing them to fall by the wayside.
• Who directs my focus toward what is possible rather than what has not yet been achieved?
• Who expands my horizons and helps me see the world through different eyes?
• Who do I feel I can lift up to their highest potential, identifying blocks and blind spots, and offering support?
• What skill
s and qualities do I have to offer? In what areas do I need support? What will I do in return?
• If you have children or close family members, also think about identifying a sahwira who makes your children happy when she is around. The spirit of a sahwira and its effect can feel like a “social vaccine” that makes everybody experience joy. Does her presence feel good to the whole family? On the other hand, is she someone who makes your children roll their eyes, cringe, or whisper behind your back?
Expanding the Circle
Grow your web of support one person at a time. Let people around you know your intentions and notice their reactions. If someone tells you it is not possible to do what you want to do, don’t be discouraged by them; they are just seeing the world through the limitations of their own filters. The key is to not take their discouragement on board or to judge them, but instead to move on to someone who can lend support as you pursue your dreams.
Remember that it can be more useful to have one or two people who have the same dream than to have an endless number of contacts who half support what you are doing. Go for quality of connection rather than quantity.
• What groups can I join, either face-to-face or online, composed of others whose mission is similar to mine?
• Can I name a second and a third person that fits the descriptions above?
• Are my potential sahwiras from a diverse group? Am I looking out for the different roles that people can play or just finding the same qualities in different people? One person might advise you. Another might be a motivator.
Look for mentors who will support your project or mission in both body and soul. There may be people who are willing to give their time to coach you toward your goal, particularly if it is one that benefits the greater good. Invest in quality, authentic mentorship. Ask yourself, What other support networks can I put in place? Do they already exist, and how can they help me? What can I contribute? When you look at creating a connection with others in this way, you take your dream-seeking into a wider playing field.
The Awakened Woman Page 20
