“How many of those women have you had?” My voice cracked. I kept asking questions I didn’t really want answers to.
He stared toward the road. “I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t go there to remember. I went there to forget.”
My heart fell. “To forget Sophia?”
He paused. “Maybe at first.”
I was silent. I had tortured myself enough. I wasn’t going to coax out anything else that could hurt me tonight.
“Her needs appealed to a compulsion for control that I was still trying to get a handle on. When our relationship ended, the club was all that was left. A game. Going through the motions toward a foregone conclusion.”
“Is that what I was too? A foregone conclusion?”
He was quiet for a long time and my misery only grew. We parked in front of the apartment and ascended the stairs in continued silence. Tossing the keys down inside, he put his hands on the counter, seemingly lost in thought. After a moment, he straightened and faced me.
I lingered by the door, waiting for him to make the next move. This night had been twelve shades of messed up.
“This is going to hurt, but it seems like you’re on a quest for answers tonight, so I’m going to give them to you.” He drew in breath. “You’re not the first woman I’ve seduced, and you’re not the first woman I’ve fucked. I’m sure you already know this.”
I winced. I wanted to believe that we’d had nothing but love from the start, but I knew it wasn’t true. Not even for me. Lust, preoccupation, obsession. Somewhere in the tornado of all those things we’d found love. Still, I wasn’t sure I wanted the truth anymore. I was already hurting too much.
I walked past him into the bedroom. His footsteps followed behind me. I slowed in front of the bed and tore off the tight dress Alli had lent me.
“Are you going to listen to me?”
“No,” I answered brusquely. I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. “I was a conquest, I get it. I don’t want to hear anymore about your sexual exploits, Blake. I think I’ve had enough eye-opening for one night. Clearly I’m way out of my depth.”
I was trembling again. My stomach knotted and tears threatened.
“Baby…” His fervency was fading. “Whatever you’re trying to find out about me is right here, wishing like hell you would just let us be us. Together, now. Fuck the past, and fuck the people we used to be and the people who made us that way.”
Tears stung behind my eyes. “Just leave me alone.” I stepped into the shower, shut the door, and let the too hot water scald my skin. When I opened my eyes under the stream, Blake had left.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Tension released in muscles I didn’t realize were holding any. I lathered up, eager to wash away the club. Remy’s touch. The air in the place, thick with sex and strangers. Christ, all I wanted was Blake and the comfort of his arms, and now I was pushing him away. All I’d wanted was the truth, and now I couldn’t stand to hear it. But Blake was my truth, even when it hurt. He was my home, the one person in my life who gave me a reason to stay still and keep faith that together we could be more than our pasts.
I hid in the shower for a few more minutes, determined to pull myself together when I emerged. I toweled dry and found the bedroom empty. I wandered into the living room. Blake sat on the couch, a tired and bleak expression on his face. I sat beside him, tucking the towel in place at my chest. He didn’t move to look at me.
“I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, it’s been a crazy day, and an even crazier night. Sophia sent me something.”
He looked toward me then.
“A…gag. She said it used to be yours and hers. Sent it with her best wishes.” I grimaced at the snide tone of her note and how deeply it had hurt me. “She gave me the address of the Perle. It was a complete mindfuck. This whole thing has been. Ever since I overheard your conversation with her that day, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the club and what it means to you.”
“I know,” he said quietly.
I sighed, relieved that he’d at least sensed my struggle if I hadn’t always verbalized it. “I love you, Blake. I want to know everything about you. Even the things you think I don’t want to hear…”
A few empty minutes passed. “Sophia’s a bitch,” he stated matter-of-factly.
I smiled. “That I think we can both agree on.”
He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. When no words followed, I inched closer. I feathered a touch over his hand. He turned it up and I laced our fingers together. I leaned my head against the back of the couch. “Talk to me.”
He exhaled unsteadily. “I honestly couldn’t tell you what I wanted to happen between us at first. I know I was incredibly attracted you, and yes, I wanted you in my bed. Nothing’s changed there, except now I love you, deeply and beyond all reason. And the person I was back then, at the club, wasn’t capable of loving anyone.”
I tightened my hand in his.
“I love you, more than you’ll ever know, Erica. But under that, I want to make you mine in every way. I’m hard every time I think of you and we’re not together. I think I could live the rest of my life making love to you. I don’t know what it is… Call it chemistry. Call it you being the most frustrating female I’ve ever met. You defy me like it’s your fucking job. It drives me crazy.” He ran a hand through his hair, leaning his head back against the couch. “The twisted thing is I think it turns me on…and getting you to submit to me afterward is turns me on even more.”
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the way it turned me on too. “Why?”
He lifted his head and looked at me. “I have no idea. It’s a fucking kink. Why do you get impossibly wet when I spank you? Why does your body go soft when I dominate you? We could psychoanalyze it all damn day.”
“But she’s the reason why.”
“She turned me onto it, yes. I won’t deny it. But she took it too far. She wanted me to choke her, mark her. Then the drugs. She was a self-destructive mess, and the way she needed me made me question everything. I need control, Erica. I thrive on it. It’s so deeply embedded in how I live my life now. It puts the world in order for me. And for a long time, after Sophia, I couldn’t imagine bringing someone else into that kind of relationship and have it be a healthy one. Even now, I question everything it’s doing to us.”
He shook his head. “Even knowing your past with Mark, I couldn’t stay away. I tried to be someone different, someone better for you. Then you kept coaxing me back to the person I knew how to be. I’ve been walking this line, trying to be the man you deserve and give you everything you want.”
“You are, Blake, and you do.”
“Yeah, but sometimes things go too far. For all my wanting control, I lose it. Sometimes I can’t turn it off. I wish I could always pick and choose our moments. I know your body and I know what you want. But sometimes I can’t turn off what I used to want, and it scares the hell out of both of us.”
My throat worked on a swallow, thick with emotion. “Blake…”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Erica, but I know I have. You worry that you’re not good enough. You say it sometimes, and I can see it in your eyes. It kills me, because you have no idea how many times those words have echoed inside of me. Because you don’t deserve me dragging you into all this darkness. I don’t have to worry about not being good enough for you, because I already know I'm not.”
“No.” I stopped him, pressing a finger to his lips. I crawled over him, resting back on his strong thighs. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
“Stop it. Blake, what happened back there…wasn’t easy for me.”
His eyes dimmed. “I know I pushed you, and I shouldn’t have.”
“I took a risk going there. I know that. But seeing what goes on there, knowing that was a place that brought you solace…” I licked my lips, nervous about what I was about to ask, because I wanted to be what he needed. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be
like those girls.”
“You’ll never be like them.”
“But are you going to resent me because I haven’t done those things or maybe never will be able to?”
He winced. “No. Of course not. Baby, of all of my kinks, wanting to do them in front of a bunch of perverts isn’t one of them.”
I laughed, relief filling the place where all my worry had taken up residence this past week.
“I guess I worry about not being as experienced as you want me to be. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t let this go.”
He brushed his knuckle across my cheek. “I want to do everything with you. Seeing your face when I give you a new kind of pleasure is more than half the fun. I’m in no rush to use up my bag of tricks on you and transform you into a connoisseur of kink.”
My hand found the edge of his shirt. I pushed it up, lazily stroking the soft skin of his abdomen.
“You’re the pro.”
He smiled. “I don't think of it like that. But if I am, think of the results as practice for giving you a lifetime of mind-bending sex.”
“Can’t argue with that.”
“I’m glad. We’ve had enough of that for one night.”
I closed my eyes and leaned into his gentle touches. “I shouldn’t have gone there without you.”
“And I should have told you about the club when you asked. I didn’t want to think about that part of my life or the person I used to be.”
“I know how that feels too, but I’ve shown you my past. It hasn’t always been easy or pretty, but I’ve never trusted anyone else with it the way I have with you. No one’s ever been strong enough to handle it without judging me or making everything hurt all over again. You’re strong enough. And so am I. Trust me with it.”
He feathered a touch along my jaw, pushing a damp strand of hair back from my face. “I do trust you,” he murmured.
“Then don’t hide from me. We’re sharing a life, Blake. You’re my home. You’re everything to me.”
Lips parted, he held me close against him. His eyes were bright green, staring deeply into me. “You’re in my soul, Erica. I couldn’t hide from you if I tried. Just…”
I knit my brows together. “What?”
“Just be careful while you’re in there, okay? You have more control than you think.”
My heart seized, love pulsing out from the center of me through every limb, making me warm and soft in his arms. My lips trembled. Heaviness lifted. I traced the lines of his face in wonder, so in love with this man.
“Thank you,” I whispered, seconds before he captured my lips in a kiss. Deep and passionate. I drank in his addictive scent, the essence of his tongue sweeping over mine. One kiss melted into the next. Soft licks went deeper, devouring.
“I need you now.”
I nodded, the flash of desire hot on my exposed skin. The terry of the towel itched over the places where I wanted his touch. As if reading my mind, he reached for the large knot and loosened it from between my breasts. Baring me before him, he let out a breath. His gaze followed his touch, down my arms, kneading my breasts.
“Love your tits. Perfection.” He thumbed over the sensitive peaks before sucking each one into his mouth. Gently, and then harder, grazing his teeth until I jolted under the pressure. The sharp edge arrowed to my core, making me hungry for him all over again. He kept on, teasing and torturing until they were both tender, swollen, and pink from his kisses and soft bites.
Leaning in, he kissed and licked the valley between my breasts. “I could lick every inch of you. One day, I just might. But tonight I can’t be that patient.”
I sifted my fingers through his hair, tugging gently, letting him know without words that I was burning for him too. He thrust his hips up with a rumbling growl, but otherwise he didn’t act on his urgency. Mouth moving over my skin, hands restless over my curves, he kept us climbing, slowly. My breathing had changed into soft pants. I was ready to explode. I’d been so built up over the course of the night, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
I stilled his movements, forcing his gaze to mine. There, lust and dark craving mingled. “Tell me what you want, Blake.”
He licked his lower lip. A stab of need shot through my core. I undulated over him, brushing against his still clothed body, wishing he were inside me already.
With a firm hand, he stilled me. “You’re all I want. Just this, just us.”
“Then take me,” I whispered against his lips.
I reached for the edge of his shirt and tugged it off. I went for his zipper, and he lifted his hips, shoving his jeans and boxers down just enough to free his engorged cock.
I reached for him eagerly. His velvet skin slid warm against my fingertips. I circled him, loving the way his eyes went dark when I touched him this way. He sucked in a sharp breath, lifting his pelvis into my grasp. I gazed up at him through the veil of my lashes.
“I want you inside me, Blake. I don’t want to wait anymore.”
My chest rose and fell in time with his. With my legs wrapped around him, he lifted us and stumbled forward, bringing us to the floor. The rug was soft and forgiving over the hard wood. He moved over me like an animal seizing his prey, making my pussy clench, hungry to be filled. He found his place between my thighs and took what was his.
I groaned in satisfaction and toed his pants down to his calves. I tried to touch him everywhere. The muscles of his back bunched under my hands as I lifted into his thrusts.
He gasped, increasing his pace. He cupped my ass, lifting me higher so his cock dragged over the sensitive bundles of nerves inside. I closed my eyes against the overwhelming sensation. My thighs gripped him, and light and color flashed behind my eyes.
“Look at me.” His voice was full of gravel and need.
I opened my eyes. A look of love softened the lines around his eyes. I reached up, my hands restless over the muscles that flinched with his efforts.
I wanted to touch him, to soothe him and tell him without words how much he meant to me. His heart beat against me, his body white hot around me, inside me. When I couldn’t find the words, my body spoke the truth.
Love wasn’t enough. This—our bodies together—was more.
His hips hit mine with a strong thrust. I cried out his name, struggling to maintain eye contact.
“Blake…I love you,” I sobbed with pleasure.
Vulnerability swam behind his glittering eyes, a silent answer to my proclamation. Wrapping his arms tightly around me, he silenced me with a deep kiss. He swallowed my cries, every breath. He was everywhere. We were as close as two people could be. I clawed at his sides, bowing off the floor and into his strong embrace.
Hips moving like pistons, he took us over the edge.
“I love you, Erica. God, I love you so much.”
I came apart, tears burning behind my eyes.
* * *
My swollen eyes opened and I groaned at the sight of morning spilling into the room. My body hurt, fatigue and a general achiness that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I felt Blake’s touch on my back. I flinched when he grazed over a particular spot on my shoulder blade.
“Ouch.”
He pressed his lips to it. “Rug burn.”
I groaned again and turned my face into the pillow as memories from last night flooded my brain. Jesus. What a night.
“See, this is why we need a bigger place,” he said.
I turned to face him. His dark hair was a mess, spiking in every direction from sleep and…other things. But he looked more rested than I felt. He looked content, and that warmed me through.
“Why do you say that?”
“I need more rooms to fuck you in. Or at least more surfaces.”
I giggled. “You’re crazy.”
A content smile spread across his lips. “Yeah, well, that’s your fault.”
I rolled to my back and stretched. The sheet slipped, baring my chest to him.
He moaned, his gaze roving over me hungrily. “What are
you doing today?” he asked suggestively.
I closed my eyes, my ever-full daily calendar appearing behind them. “I have a million things.”
His lips came over my nipple. “I guess that means I can’t hold you hostage here.”
I moaned and arched into his mouth. “I don’t think Alli would allow that. I have a dress fitting. I have a meeting with Geoff too, to go over some of my questions.”
He lifted up on his elbow, staring down at me with affection.
“What are you going to tell him?”
I pulled the sheet up over me and shifted to my side. I drew tiny circles over Blake’s chest, tracing the beautiful curves of his body. I couldn’t imagine him in any pose that would diminish my complete and utter awe of his body.
“Erica?”
“Hmm?”
His eyes were still lazy and low-lidded from sleep. “What are you going to tell Geoff?”
I hummed with a smile. “Sorry, I was just cataloguing your most gorgeous qualities.”
He laughed. “After last night, I wasn’t sure you’d ever talk to me again.”
“I can’t say I’d do it all over again.” I fell back against the pillow. “Well, maybe some of it.”
“Don’t do crazy shit like that anymore, okay? I mean it.”
I met his serious gaze with a tentative one of my own. Going to the club alone had been a stupid move. I could have let him come around with it, but there was something about knowing I was going to marry the man that made it impossible for me to handle secrets between us. No matter how far into the past they were lodged, no matter how far away we’d come from them. I’d shown him everything. Every scar, every insecurity. Finally, we were on our way to turning the tables and Blake trusting me with the shadows from his past too.
“I won’t as long as you make me a promise.”
He was silent for a moment. “We’re not back to ultimatums, are we?”
“I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but you wanted me to give you my trust. It’s a two-way street. I don’t want any secrets between us. If you don’t trust me not to do things like I did last night, don’t ever give me a reason to consider it.”
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