CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Daniel had left in a rush, and I didn’t know what to make of it all. I turned the television back on, wanting to drown out my swirling thoughts. I couldn’t talk to Blake about the knife Daniel had lanced through me with his words. Blake didn’t want me to care. No one did. What more could the man do to me to earn my hatred? Still, it slipped through my fingers, and only a sad emptiness remained. A shell of what could have been. Lingering regret over what had come to be.
“You look tired. Do you want to lie down?” Blake was seated at his usual perch on the opposite couch, his gaze heavy with the usual concern.
“No, I want to get up.”
He gave me a tentative look. “How about a bath? That will relax you.”
I sighed. A trip to the bathroom was probably all he’d allow. A bath sounded nice though.
“Fine. But I’m walking there myself. You have to stop babying me, Blake.”
He stood quickly and helped me up. “You can walk there, but I will never stop taking care of you until the day I die. So you can give up on that right now.” He caressed my cheek. “I almost lost you.”
I closed my eyes, leaning into his touch.
I almost lost you too. The thought was too terrible to comprehend.
I’d spent the past several days feeling sorry for myself in every way. Losing the business seemed far less tragic in the face of nearly dying. And the very real possibility that Blake and I might never have children, as soul-crushing as it was to contemplate—and I’d tried very hard not to—paled to the reality that I could have died in Blake’s arms that afternoon. The man who’d killed Mark under Daniel’s direct orders had not hesitated to attempt to end my life.
As much as I couldn’t grieve for Mark’s death, I couldn’t believe that someone could have so little value for human life. These were the kinds of people who Daniel kept in his life. Or perhaps they’d always been there. For all of Blake’s secrets, Daniel’s existence seemed far darker, with shadows I never wanted to shed light on.
Blake was filling the bath when I joined him. “Let me help you,” he said, pulling my T-shirt off with too much care.
“Are you coming in too?”
He chewed his lip a moment, eyeing the bathtub topped with an appealing layer of bubbles. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.”
“Please… I miss you.” I missed the happiness in his eyes. I even missed his temper. All he had for me now lately was pity.
He sighed. “Fine. But you know we can’t—”
“I know.”
I cut him short, not wanting to hear the reminder. No sex for weeks. I didn’t see how it mattered, but the doctor had ordered it and Blake insisted on following everything down to the letter. Denying ourselves wouldn’t bring back what had been lost. It only guaranteed that another long expanse of time ahead of us would be filled with more wait and worry. Frustrated anew, I tugged at his T-shirt, urging him to take it off.
“You’re too serious lately. You’re playing nursemaid to me all day, and it’s wearing on you. I just want to relax and be close to you, okay?”
I feathered my fingers through his dark hair, pushing the messy strands back from his forehead. He seemed tired, and somehow, just as run down on the outside as I felt on the inside. We’d been through so much.
“Okay,” he murmured softly.
I turned to the mirror while he undressed. I pulled my hair out of the messy bun that was holding it up. I winced at the small pain in my abdomen caused by lifting my arms. I looked terrible. Even being bound to the couch for weeks, I was thinner. And pale. I’d missed the last warm weeks of summer. I wanted to look and feel like myself again, and less like the fragile broken creature I’d become in the wake of these terrible events.
I dropped the hair tie into my make up drawer. Set amongst cosmetics, my opened pill case stared up at me. I picked it up. I’d been halfway through the month’s cycle when it happened.
Blake paused. “What’s that?”
“Just my pills.” I shrugged, trying to seem casual, but nothing was casual about my fertility now. The topic had become a giant elephant in the room. I dropped the pills on the counter. My thoughts spun, and I laughed to myself.
“What’s so funny?” Blake met my gaze in the mirror.
I looked down quickly, not wanting to revisit the pain I’d seen in his face when the doctor had delivered the news. I was alive, but damaged. Then again, what else was new?
“I don’t know. I spent years trying not to get pregnant, worrying that I would, and now I couldn’t even if I wanted to. But because there’s a chance, I’ll probably still need to take those damn things.”
He took the pills and threw them back into a drawer. “Forget about those. Come on, before the bath gets cold.”
Eager to forget, I pushed the thought out of my mind. Blake helped me into the tub and I lowered into the warm water. I relaxed, grateful for the relief. When he joined me, his legs slid to the outsides of mine. His hair was rough against my skin. I exhaled heavily at the simple contact, the reminder that we hadn’t touched each other much since all of this happened. Somehow, between the weeks of being poked and prodded with needles and coddled like a helpless victim, I’d forgotten the simple pleasure of having Blake’s skin on mine. His touch alone could soothe me, heal me.
I leaned my head back against the lip of the tub. “I feel a little decadent.”
“Yeah? How is that?”
“It’s a Tuesday afternoon, and we’re lounging in the bathtub.”
He laughed softly. “Maybe we deserve a little decadence.” Beneath the water, he caught my foot and began to massage my muscles. The sensation was almost overwhelming. God, I missed his touch. Even the simple ones, my hand in his, a gentle kiss, made me want more.
“We deserve a lot of things.”
He stilled a second. I regretted the words when I said them. I hurried to change the subject.
“Have you heard from Fiona lately? She must be frustrated. All that planning just to put everything off. I’m feeling better now, so maybe we can start planning again.”
“You were shot three times, Erica. I don’t think rescheduling the wedding until you’re well is an inconvenience. We’re all happy you’re alive. The nuptials can wait.”
I ran my fingers through the bubbles. A question, one I was terrified to ask, lingered on my lips. We hadn’t talked about what the doctor had said after we left the hospital. We hadn’t spoken a word of it.
“You haven’t changed your mind?”
Seconds ticked by as I waited for his answer. Avoiding his eyes, I imagined all the things he might say. No matter how many times he reassured me that I was the only one he wanted, doubt managed to creep through time and again.
“Why on earth would I change my mind?” His voice was serious, hoarse with emotion.
I struggled over the next words, forcing myself to meet his eyes. “Things are different now.”
His jaw set. “Things are different every day, but what hasn’t changed and what will never change is how much I love you. I asked you to be my wife. I want that now more than ever.”
I took a breath, my nerves suddenly on edge. “But don’t you want a family, Blake? We never really talked about it, but now… What if I can’t give that to you?” My heart beat wildly over the painful ache there. Maybe he’d never admit it, but if this changed things for him—for us—I wanted to know now.
The look he gave me was unwavering, void of doubt. “I want you.”
I exhaled heavily. “This is important. We should talk about what it means for our future. This wasn’t something either of us could have predicted. I don’t want you to resent me if I can’t—”
A flash of irritation broke his determined stare. “Jesus, Erica, come here.” He caught my hand and, leaning forward, carefully lifted me from the other side of the tub so that I was straddling him. We were chest to chest. He held my face in his hands. They were warm and slid over my skin slowly
.
“We’ll figure it out, okay?”
My heart hadn’t slowed. I still didn’t believe him. “But what if we can’t?”
He winced. “Stop talking like it’ll never happen.”
“There’s still a chance, I know.” Unlikely, but there was a chance.
“Exactly.”
I nodded slowly. Maybe he was right.
“Have you ever known me to not get what I want?”
“No,” I admitted.
“Good. If we want a baby, we will have one. One way or the other. First things first. We’re going to get you well. Then you’re going to toss those pills.”
I stared at him in shock.
“We’re not going to be able to plan anything anyway. If we try to do that, you’ll just worry and I’ll worry. Let’s just live our lives. Let me make love to you every night, and if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he stopped me, pressing his finger to my lips.
“No what-ifs. I can be quite determined when I want to be. I’m pretty sure if you want a baby, I’m going to give you one.”
His words nearly knocked the wind from my lungs. They rushed in over the daggers of my pain. Soothing and pure. I believed him.
I leaned against him, finding the broad toned muscles of his chest. His heart beat a steady rhythm under my fingertips. Sometimes I had to remember that he was human like me, because to me, he was always more. Larger than life, stronger than anyone I knew, with determination that matched my own. In my heart, I believed we could do anything together.
I lost myself in his eyes, a tornado of hazel and passion that reflected between us. “I love you,” I whispered, kissing him sweetly. Starting soft, I reveled in the simple pleasure of his full lips against mine. Then the sweep of my tongue, an invitation for his. Then his taste. I kissed him deeper.
He touched my cheek and pulled back a little.
I shifted over him, all too aware of his growing desire. “All this talk of babies, Blake, for the first time in my life, is actually making me want to make one. I wasn’t expecting that.”
A ghost of a smile passed over his lips. “We can’t. Not today…”
I felt for him under the water and smoothed my palm around his cock. He sucked in a breath, closing his eyes slowly.
“Erica, we can’t.”
“I know,” I said, hushing him with a kiss. “The doctor didn’t say I couldn’t please you, though, did he?”
“You don’t have to—”
I silenced him again, deepening our kiss. I tightened my grip around him and quickened my motions up and down his length. His hands moved restlessly over my shoulders, fisting into my hair as we devoured each other’s mouths. His muscles flinched under me where our bodies met, and my core clenched in response. Something awakened. That passion that could never be tamed between us lit up inside of me. I wanted release. But right now I wanted his more. I wanted to show him how much I loved him, thank him for walking through hell with me now and having faith in our future. I couldn’t imagine my life without this man, and I prayed he wouldn’t resent me if I couldn’t give him the family he wanted.
He grasped my hips and then released abruptly. “Erica, I want to, badly, but I can’t do this. You’re driving me nuts. I want to touch you, but I’m scared to death of hurting you right now.”
I slowed my upward stroke and drew back from his body slightly. His face was tight, every muscle coiled and ready for release. I wanted to give him that, but I needed to take the fear in his eyes away somehow too.
“Put your hands on the rim of the tub.”
He winced slightly, maybe at the tone. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but if I made it sound like an order, maybe he’d feel safer that he wouldn’t. He lifted his hands out of the water and rested them on the edge of the tub the way I’d asked him to.
“Now keep them there. Don’t move them until I tell you, okay?”
His bottom lip disappeared from view as he sucked it into his mouth, his white teeth biting into the plump flesh.
I cocked an eyebrow. “Okay?”
He nodded, and I circled both hands around his cock. I stacked my hands, sliding up his length, so that I was touching every inch of him. He flinched beneath my touch when I thumbed over the soft sensitive head.
“God, I miss you, Erica.” He exhaled, his head rolling back onto the rim of the tub.
I leaned against him, my nipples grazing his chest above the water. “I love you, Blake.” I sucked at his skin, licked the salty flavor from it. “And I love watching you come.”
With white knuckles, he held tightly to the edge of the tub. He lifted his head and gazed at me with intense eyes. He was close. I kissed him hard, until he gasped for air.
“Come,” I said, mimicking the order he’d given me so many times.
Hips thrusting upward into my rapid effort, he climaxed with a violent shudder and a strangled moan.
* * *
After numerous attempts, Blake finally lured me out of the apartment to come to work with him. I was trying to grasp onto the positive, but memories of what I’d been through would inevitably drag me back down. I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to come face-to-face with the world that had maimed me. Also, I couldn’t stomach anything remotely close to an office knowing that a few blocks away, Sophia and Isaac’s new business was carrying on without me day after day.
Sometimes I wondered if they knew about the shooting. Of course they would have heard about it. The question was—did they care? Did it matter at all that I’d almost died?
It’s just business, I muttered to myself in my best mocking Alex voice. I needed to move on and find hope with new things. Everything had changed, like it or not. I had to accept that.
My thoughts kept returning to Geoff’s project. Even as I mourned Clozpin, I found myself thinking through the logistics of his venture. I had too much free time not to. But I’d ignored Geoff’s last emails from before the shooting, and he hadn’t reached out to me since. I wasn’t sure he even wanted my help anymore. If he did, what could I offer? Money, but no guidance. Investment alone would be an empty kind of support. I didn’t want to just fund things. I wanted to be a part of them, but I didn’t know what I was really capable of after all this.
I could barely manage to get farther than the grocery store these days.
Instead of venturing out and trying to start over, I turned my attentions to the apartment. I cooked every night. I ordered decor online, determined to bring a piece of myself into the space that previously had been dominated by Blake’s simple minimalist world. Blake didn’t argue. He seemed content that I was getting up and around, even if I refused to leave the house for more than short trips. Even with Clay in toe, I felt uneasy.
I tried to start painting rooms, but Blake wouldn’t let me, afraid the physical effort would upset the healing I’d already done. But despite his fussing, I was better. I still felt the pain, but I was better. The garish red wounds had faded slightly. Not enough to blend in, but the doctor promised me in time that they would. My skin tone would be forgiving. I had to take solace in the small things.
I tensed as we walked toward Blake’s office. His hand touched the small of my back, a reminder of his constant support. I slowed in front of the door, but Blake stopped short.
“I want to show you something first. Let’s go up.” He motioned toward the elevator.
“What’s up there?”
He grinned. “You’ll see.”
I followed him in and waited for our ascent to begin. As the elevator doors opened, he covered my eyes with his hands. “What are you doing to me?” I laughed, trying to hide my nervousness.
“It’s a surprise. We’ll be there in a few seconds. Walk with me.”
Carefully I followed his guiding motions until we slowed to a stop. I heard voices, and they seemed familiar. Blake moved his hands, and I winced at the sudden brightness. I faced a door much like the one leading in
to his office below. On the frosted glass read, E. Landon, Inc.
My heart beat heavily in my chest. “Blake…”
Through the clear glass of the lettering, I saw faces I knew. Opening the door, Alli greeted me from inside. She smiled broadly. “Surprise!”
I laughed, not entirely sure yet what the surprise consisted of. “What is all this?”
Work stations filled the long room. Sid and Cady were standing by one where they’d been talking, their focus on me now. Geoff stood up from one of the desks, his blue eyes bright with the excitement that everyone else seemed to share.
I felt like Dorothy, reunited with all of her best friends after an adventure of the most strange kind. But what the hell? I looked to Blake.
“Do you want to tell me what this is all about?”
Alli beat him to the punch “When you were on the mend, Sid and I got to talking. With the payout from the sale, we didn’t have to jump into anything else just yet. Then Blake introduced us to Geoff. He told us how interested you were in the project. And we decided to get together and see if we could help make it happen.”
My hands trembled as they reached my lips. The news was overload. “This is too much. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see you all here.”
Sid gave me a shy smile. “We feel the same way. We’ve missed you.”
I swallowed over the emotion tight in my throat. “I thought we’d lost everything. Honestly, after everything that’s happened lately, I started to realize this is what I missed the most. Working with everyone again. I never thought we’d get another chance.”
Alli’s lip trembled, threatening to set off tears of my own. She pulled me into a hug, full of meaning and understanding. I couldn’t have gotten through this without her. She pulled back and wiped a tear away with her hand. “Well, go look at your office. It’s so awesome.”
Blake caught my hand, excitement glimmering in his eyes.
I brightened with a smile. “Sure.”
He led me to the far end of the room and into an expansive private office. The door clicked behind us.
Hard Limit Page 21
