by Mia Ford
I nod, but since I no longer trust myself to speak I don’t say anything. What started off as a very important meeting to me has become a pit of shame. I want to get out quick before I make things worse than they already are. I can’t have any sympathy from Mr. Banker, it’ll kill me.
“You know what?” he says while tapping his finger against his chin. “I’ll come with you. It might be hard to swing with the bosses of this place, but I’m sure that if I explain the entire story of you and your past they’ll come around. The fact that you’re doing something so positive for your future will look really good. I’m sure they’ll let me go with you.”
I stare into his eyes for a few moments, trying to work out exactly what’s going behind his gaze. “I don’t want to push you,” I tell him seriously, while pursing out my lips. “I don’t want to take away your weekend. I got so carried away with my plans that I didn’t think about how it would affect you. I’m sure you have plans anyway and I don’t want to get in the way of that.”
“No, I don’t have any plans.” I don’t know if I believe him, but Mr. Banker seems willing to give up whatever he’s planning for me, which is nice. “I want to do this for you.”
My heart soars in my chest. Not only am I getting out of here, I’m spending time with Mr. Banker too… my favorite person in the world. With him, I feel like I can take on anything. I feel like I can get my home and my job, I feel like I can get sorted. I just know it.
“I really appreciate it, Mr. Banker,” I tell him with a nod. “That’s so kind of you.”
“You know, if we’re going in the city together then I think you might have to call me Logan.” The way he grins at me makes my heart race at a million miles an hour. My tummy twists and churns with butterflies flapping all over. “Maybe not even just in the city. You are an adult now after all.”
An adult… I’m an adult. I like how that feels. It gives me a strong sense of control over myself, which is something I haven’t had in a very long time. I think I’m going to love being an adult.
“Okay then, Logan.” It feels really strange to say that. “Thank you, Logan.”
He pushes out his chair to stand up so I do the same. I know it’s time for me to leave but I don’t right away. I stare at him, feeling something monumental shift between us. Now this isn’t just a day out of the center with one of the adults while I figure my life out, this is me and Logan. I’m one of the adults too which makes me feel absolutely incredible.
“Okay, so I will come and pick you up in the morning then. How does eight AM sound?”
“Absolutely perfect,” I say breathily as my emotions run away with me. “That sounds wonderful. My first appointment is at half nine so that gives us time to find out where I need to go.”
He grabs onto a piece of paper and scribbles out some words. “Here is my email address. Why don’t you send me the list tonight so I can figure out a contingency plan? Also, with an hour and a half I’m sure we can go out for breakfast first, get something to eat out of here.”
Oh God, that sounds too romantic for words. All of a sudden, the plan that I had in my mind takes on a brand-new spin and my heart hammers with excitement. Of course, I wish I didn’t feel this way because I’m going to get my heart hurt in the long run, but I can’t stop it.
It won’t be for long anyway. Soon enough, I’ll be moving on and becoming a brand-new version of me. God, I cannot wait.
Chapter Nine – Logan
With Pru sitting on the other side of the car to me, I feel very strange. When discussing this trip with the bosses, I managed to pass it off as a very professional journey, just to help one of the more problematic children move on with what she wants to do, but now it doesn’t feel that way at all. There’s an odd atmosphere between us that I cannot quite put my finger on.
Pru looks different, I think that’s a part of it. She has a dress on today, a simple white slip dress that hangs just above her knees. It’s a very conservative dress, just like the rest of her clothes, but out of the center she looks much more grown up in it. With her pale blonde hair hanging lose, skimming her shoulders, and a wisp of make-up covering her face, she looks good. I want to tell her as much to give her a boost but still I don’t. Still I need to be careful with my words.
“So, there’s a café not far from the first apartment you’ve got a viewing to look at, so I think we should go there for something to eat,” I tell her instead. “Does that sound good to you?”
“Sounds perfect.” She turns and gives me a wide smile. “I can’t wait for some real food.”
“Are you suggesting that the food in the center isn’t top notch?” I tease her playfully.
“No, not at all… but yeah. I suppose you’re right. It can be pretty terrible.”
“I erm…” Pru bites down on her bottom lip. “I don’t have any money with me though.”
“Oh no, I know that. I didn’t think you would. I’m paying, so don’t worry about it.”
I know she’s one of the kids who hasn’t got any money to start with. I did wonder if that would change with the passing of her father, but these things can take time and the center hasn’t heard of anything quite yet. I hope if there is anything it’ll come for her soon to help her out. I don’t think she knows quite how much she’s going to need it. It’s very expensive to live alone.
Eventually, I pull up the car in the nearest car park to the café and I stop the car. Me and Pru get out of the car and walk towards the café. I can’t help looking around to see if people are staring at us, wondering what we’re doing together. I suppose it must look strange… but no one is even bothering to glance my way. It’s just my own guilt making me act like a crazy person, that’s all.
There’s nothing to worry about, I do my best to convince myself. This isn’t weird.
Of course, it is in my head, but that’s only because of all the crazed sexual fantasies I’ve been having. No one knows about that, so there really isn’t anything to worry about. It’s worse right now because we’re out of the center, but I can hold it together… I’m sure of it.
I take Pru into the café, smiling to myself as her eyes light up. This is such a simple thing, the sort of thing that people do all the time, but because of the way Pru’s life has been this is all new and exciting. Her mother passed away when she was young, her father never did anything with her, then she’s been stuck in the center. This is like a vacation for her.
“What do you want to eat?” I ask as we take our seats. “You can have whatever you want off the menu. I don’t know how much choice there is, but I’m sure it’s more than at the center.”
“Ooh. Can I have bacon pancakes?” she gushes. “That sounds amazing.”
“Yes, of course you can! Like I said you can have whatever you want. More, if you like?”
She shakes her head, happy with what she’s decided on, so call the waitress over to order the same for myself too. The waitress gives me a little bit of a curious look as we order our food, but I don’t react to it. There’s a part of me that wants to scream this isn’t a date, but I don’t. That would make me look like the craziest bastard in the whole damn world. But being too defensive, will only make me look even guiltier. I don’t want Pru to think I’m a freak either.
I suppose, if I’m ready to really acknowledge it, there is a chemistry between me and Pru. It’s a deep connection, one that could be interpreted in many different ways. I know she can feel it, probably even more than me, but we cannot talk about it. Ever.
The food arrives and we both eat in near silence. As Pru really enjoys her meal, like it’s the best thing she’s ever eaten in her whole damn life, I ponder over how the day is going to go. I think this might be good for me, it’ll make me really face reality that she’s leaving. Hopefully that will pull all the inappropriate thoughts from my mind. Something has to!
“Right.” Once we’re done, I stand up and indicate for her to follow. “We better get going, your viewing is soon. I’m excited to s
ee this place, it’s a nice area.”
I have a very strong feeling that the apartment here is going to be way out of Pru’s price range, but I’m not going to sully her excitement by pointing that out. This is only a day of looking anyway, she’s not going to settle on anything I’m sure. At least not until she’s been to her job interviews and she’s worked out how she’s going to be paid. It all needs to work together to flow.
“Yes, it does.” I can hear the hesitancy in her voice. Maybe she understands the expense more than I’ve given her credit for. “It’s just the first one of many, but I had to start somewhere.”
As we walk across the road next to one another, I’m acutely aware of every inch of her body. I know that I could easily reach across to hold her hand, to go the whole hog and act like I’m her boyfriend, which is a weird thought. I never ever want to hold anyone’s hand!
Thankfully when we get into the building, the realtor is there waiting in the lobby, which saves us an agonizing journey up to the fifth floor in the elevator. I don’t know if I’d be able to survive that sexual tension without someone here to break it. The realtor is chatty, so it’s completely distracting.
“Have you looked at many places?” she asks me and Pru as if we’re together. I look away, refusing to meet her eyes to allow Pru to answer instead. Hopefully she’ll make it clear.
“No, this is the first place I’ve seen,” Pru says with a coy excitement. “So, I’m really looking forward to it. I might not be able to make any decisions right away until I’ve seen a few…”
“Oh no, I completely understand,” the realtor reassures her. “Don’t worry about it. I know what it’s like. You have to check out a few places before you can decide. Just know that I do have a few people interested, so if this is the home you want you might have to move quickly.”
Pru looks worried, but I roll my eyes. I know this is a trick, realtors always say things like that to make people feel panicked into making a decision. When we get a moment alone, I’ll make sure Pru knows not to be bullied into anything that she isn’t one hundred percent sure of. The last thing I want is for her to start her new life wrong. I don’t want her to take on a home that she cannot afford.
I’ll help her not to make that mistake, that’s why I’m here after all.
Inside the apartment, I’m quite impressed. It’s a fairly nice place with a bit of space, but I don’t want to like it too much because I know it won’t work out for Pru. She’s going to have to set her sights unfortunately much lower. The realtor gives her the spiel about the place, but I barely listen. I wander over to the window and take a look out at the city as I do. It’s a big wide world out there, a scary place for anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever considered how much more frightening it is for some of our kids. They don’t have the life experience to survive. Someone keeps tabs on them, but I haven’t ever really bothered before. I know I will with Pru, I’ll have to know how she is.
Eventually, Pru grips onto my arm and she gives me a look. I can tell that she’s done here but she doesn’t know how to say it, which leaves it up to me. Luckily, I don’t mind shooting people down. I can be Pru’s voice until she finds her own.
“Thank you very much, but actually we do need to get going,” I say in a firm, but friendly tone of voice. “We will be in touch though, if this is what Pru decides in the end.”
As we say our thank you’s and goodbye’s I can feel Pru’s gratitude rolling off her in waves. It gives me a strong sense of pride, I’m happy with what I’ve done to help her. She needs it after all. And it works too. I can tell as we leave the first apartment and we get into the car to drive to the next, she’s a bit more settled and confident. I hope that’s given her a clue about what she really wants.
***
I tap my fingers against the steering wheel and I glance over to the restaurant where Pru is inside having her very first job interview. She was shaking before she went inside, she was so damn anxious it made me want to weep for her. But we went through some of the self-confidence techniques we’ve discussed before, and eventually she went inside.
She’s been in there so long now, what can they possibly be talking about? Admittedly I’ve never worked serving people before, but surely there are only so many questions they can ask. I’m starting to get worried. Any moment I’m going to burst in there and demand that they set her free.
Before I can make that insane, over protective move, the doors to the restaurant swing open and Pru comes out with a giant, flushed smile on her face. She looks pleased, which I have to assume is a good thing. The interview must have gone really well.
She slides into the passenger’s seat and turns to look at me with shining eyes. “I got the job,” she declares happily. “I mean, I don’t think I’m going to take it because I don’t think I’ll like it, but they loved me and I got it!”
“Of course, you did!” I get caught up in her elation and I offer her a high five, which she takes happily. “Of course, they love you, and the good thing is, now you know more about what you want. Shall we go onto the next job?”
There’s a dangerous pause where our eyes connect and I can feel that tension building. The sexual chemistry that sizzles and burns brightly between us wildly. There’s definitely something between us and now I’m certain that we both know it… but that doesn’t change anything. Even if she stirs me up and makes me feel things that I don’t know what to do with. We have to keep away.
“Yes,” she finally says, breaking the moment for the both of us. “Let’s go. I still have a lot of people to see today and it feels like I’m on a roll.”
Chapter Ten – Prudence
I feel over the moon in every single way, this was absolutely the perfect idea to give me some confidence. Now I know for certain that I can do this. Looking things up online was okay, but it was too virtual to be real. Now I’m out in the actual world, experiencing it all. I’ve seen homes that I can actually see myself living in – although the ones I really like are much too expensive for me to live in, but that’s okay. I’ll work up to that in the end – and I’ve been offered multiple jobs.
“So, which position are you most inclined to go for?” Logan asks me excitedly.
“Ooh, I don’t know.” I shrug my shoulders a couple of times because I’m all much too elated. “I quite like the office, but the people seemed a bit bitchy. The clothes shop seemed pretty cool. The girls were really nice to me there, which makes me inclined to go there. Is that bad?”
“No way.” Logan shakes his head rapidly. “You spend so much of your time at work so you have to like the people you’re working with. Especially for someone like you, you need a good support system of friends. If you like these girls then you should go for it.”
I nod happily, glad to hear Logan say that. It’s the answer I wanted but was too afraid to ask for. I thought it might be immature to want to go for friends, but Logan’s made a good point. I will need people, having girls around me is part of the fantasy life that I want for myself. Since I can’t get all the elements I want for the fantasy part of my life, I’ll have to settle with what I can.
I glance at Logan out the corner of my eye as we get back into the car. Spending the time with him today, both of us as adults, has only made me like him even more. Every time our skin has brushed together I’ve got a buzz of excitement, every word he’s spoken to me has warmed my chest, my connection to him has increased and intensified. I wish there was some way I could carry that on.
Admittedly, in every apartment I was in I imagined Logan living there with me. I kept picturing myself standing in the kitchen with his arms around my waist from behind. I saw us collapsed together on the couch after a long day of work, watching TV and snuggling in, I imagined me and him lying together in bed, just happily being in love. Since I can never have that, I might as well be happy with what I can have, and friends are a big part of that. Those girls were really nice.
“Oh God, I’m definitely going to like it here,”
I gasp while flopping my head back against the head rest of the seat. “Out in the world, it’s so much better than in the center.”
“You haven’t had any good times?” Logan asks me curiously. “Not at all.”
Instantly, all the good memories I’ve had at the center flood my mind, and each and every one of them involve Logan. No one else has made me feel as comfortable as him. “Yeah, I suppose I have had some good times,” I say coyly. “But not enough to keep me there.”
I don’t know if it’s in my imagination but as I say that, Logan’s face seems to drop. I don’t want to disappoint him, and I also don’t want our friendship to end, but at the same time I can’t stay for him. We both know that, we cannot remain close because nothing can happen. This is the only way.
“At least I don’t have to give everything up,” I say teasingly to him. “I still have your email so I can be in touch.” When he doesn’t say anything, I feel compelled to continue. “If you want…”
“Oh of course I do!” he gushes. “I don’t want to lose touch with you, I’d like to keep up to date with you. And then if you ever need help I can be there for you like I promised.”
I smile to myself feeling very happy at the idea that I don’t have to completely sever ties. Just keeping that door open one tiny bit is enough to give me confidence. I’ll be alone, but not completely and utterly by myself without any options. If I’m ever really struggling, I have someone I know.
