by Kate Temple
Still, you really can’t be too careful, and that’s why I think it was a great idea that we stayed right away from her and stuck to the other end of the library. It does mean that all the books we managed to grab started with ‘W’. Is it weird our library will only have books about things starting with ‘W’? At least our library shelves are stacked and look shiny and full! I have to say, The Alice and Jimmy Awesome Library sure is great! I can’t wait to cut the ribbon at lunch and declare our UNofficial library OFFICIALLY open!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I’ll have you know, ‘W’ is basically the best letter in the whole alphabet. If I was a letter I’d definitely be ‘W’. It’s the only letter in the alphabet with a proper name. If ‘W’ got dressed I’m pretty sure it would wear a top hat, a tie and carry a pet fox. Also, loads of cool stuff starts with ‘W’ like World War II, watercrafts, Winston Churchill, western Samoa and all THAT stuff is now in our library.
This is going to be so massive, probably even bigger than that time I discovered an actual yeti that turned out to be my dad wearing overalls (but for a while there it was a really big moment). Meet you at the UNofficial library at lunch!
Yours wonderfully (also a ‘W’ word),
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
YAY! What a hit!!! This is the first time something we’ve done hasn’t been a disaster!!! Time to shine! OMG (Origami Muffin Goat) literally everyone was there! It turns out ‘W’ must be a very, VERY popular letter because practically ALL the books on our shelves have been borrowed! The only book NOT borrowed was that ridiculous book by your dad about knitting with cat fur (I told you no one would want that!). Also, did you see there was even a reporter there from the news? I gave him a really amazing interview, so I’m pretty sure it will be on the front page. That’s why I didn’t take down all the names of the people who borrowed the books. Did you do that???
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Firstly, that was not a reporter from the local newspaper. It was Hans Piggle from 1st Grade! Actually, I don’t blame you for the mix-up. Hans has a fine pair of European spectacles, so I can see how you made THAT mistake. But I’m sorry to say, I didn’t write down anyone’s name! I mean, why would I??? That’s not even something REAL librarians do in normal libraries. They just have this beeper thing that they wave over the barcode and it goes BEEP. But don’t worry. I definitely did that. BEEP!
Yours librarianly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Huh? But we didn’t have a barcode scanner! So how could you even scan anything???
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Of course we didn’t have a barcode scanner! That’s why I just waved a toilet roll over each book and just made a BEEPING sound with my mouth. BEEP. Didn’t you hear me? I was like BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. It was very effective and I think everyone appreciated my attention to detail. The only problem I had was when Ruby Foo tried to borrow Wildlife of Africa. For some reason THAT book wasn’t scanning properly, but I just ran the toilet roll over it a few more times and eventually it beeped.
Yours beepishly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
I finally understand why you were making that beeping sound! I thought you were a smoke alarm! Anyway, that beeping wasn’t very helpful, because now we have NO idea who has what book! And those fake library monitors are threatening to tell Ms Murtle that we stole all the ‘W’ books! I’ve already managed to collect as many ‘W’ books as I could find, but no one was very happy about handing them over since they only just started reading them :( Derek Froon had literally only read one page of The Complete Guide to Witches and Wizards before he had it RUDELY snatched off him (by me).
I guess I should have known this would go badly right from the start, because the truth is people NEVER like unofficial stuff! Remember that time Emily Hoskins came back from holidays with all these unofficial fake Po-Pomons trading cards?
Everyone hated them. And remember the time Cassius Naroopta emptied all his fake Legot building bricks into the class Legot box and none of them would connect properly and it took ages to weed them all out? Plus, there’s all that unofficial Shmoggle stationary stuff like pencil cases and yoyos that always break?
Everyone hates unofficial stuff! And we’re unofficial stuff and our library was unofficial stuff and now it’s all ruined! There’s no way Ms Murtle will let us be OFFICIAL library monitors again unless we can show her how awesome we are at being library monitors. And how are we meant to do that if we’re not library monitors! It’s like that whole chicken and the egg thing. You know, what came first?
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
The chicken, of course?!? Have you ever tried to race a chicken against an egg? I have, and the chicken always comes first. Chickens are way faster than eggs. I can tell you right now, you will be waiting a VERY long time for an egg to get to the finish line. They are not very competitive and get easily distracted. That’s why they only have the egg Olympic games like every 400 years – that’s how long it takes for an egg to run a race. My advice: don’t race chickens against eggs, chickens always win.
Anyway, more bad news … not only is Casper trying to pin the whole coconut roll/poo thing on me BUT he’s now issued a warrant for my arrest for ‘stealing’ the ‘W’ shelf!
Yours arrestingly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Thanks so much for explaining the whole chicken and the egg thing. That makes total sense NOT!
Also, I’m sorry to hear about your arrest warrant (NOT!). Jenny Philpot was totally going to arrest me too, but I just blamed the whole thing on you. You don’t mind, right? :) I figured you always get in trouble :) :) Anyhoo, don’t worry about it too much. Jenny Philpot and Casper N are giving out fines to EVERYONE these days. They even gave ME a fine when I was returning all those books from the ‘W’ shelf!!! It took me AGES to round the rest of them up, but they STILL fined me for illegal borrowing when technically I didn’t even borrow them!!!
We’re not the only ones in trouble with the library monitors. They also gave Ruby Foo a fine today for whispering in the library. Emily Hoskins got two for dogearing a book (although she probably deserved that) and Conrad got another fine for getting caught munching an apricot stick while he was pretending to read a Timtim comic.
This whole thing could not get any worse. I just wish there was a way to show Ms Murtle that I really am library monitor material and that all of that disaster was mostly YOU and not me (no offence).
Otherwise I might never get my shiny library monitor badge back before Book Week is over!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Did you see the Book Week parade theme? I can’t believe they ignored all my awesome suggestions like:
1. Come as your favourite character from a book about the Russian Royal Family.
2. Come as your favourite character from a book about Ancient Egyptian Archaeologists.
3. Come as your favourite character from a book about failed space missions.
Instead they chose the most boring Book Parade idea EVER …YAWN. DOUBLE YAWN. And the worst bit is you need a partner! And no one will team up with me because YOU told everyone I was responsible for the coconut roll/poo incident! (Which maybe I was and maybe I WASN’T!)
Yours yawningly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
I don’t think the new Book Parade theme is boring! Do you know why? BECAUSE I CAME UP WITH IT!!! It was me that suggested that back when WE were library monitors! They’ve literally stolen it! :O Inspirational book friends was my idea! So, if you’re wondering why I’m turning bright pink with fury, it’s because they’ve copied me and are getting all the credit!
OMG!
(Otters Mimicking Gophers) I’ve got it! I know what I can do! Are you thinking what I’m thinking???
Yours troolie
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
YES! I’m definitely thinking what you’re thinking! Are you thinking the only thing better than being a library monitor is being an actual monitor lizard??? Those GIANT reptiles that have talons and look exactly like dragons? Are you thinking we should become actual monitor lizards??? They sure are inspirational and also then we can sneak into the canteen and eat all the cakes and climb up walls with our strong grippy claws and just lounge around all day eating flies or what have you! Because if that’s what you’re thinking, I am TOTALLY up for that!
Yours cold bloodedly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
NO! I was not thinking we become actual lizards! That would be impossible and ridiculous and is also not at all on my five-year, ten-year or even twenty-year successful life plan. I was thinking...
I need to win that Book Parade! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before. Then Ms Murtle will definitely let me be library monitor again and give me back my shiny library monitor badge! :) I’m definitely sure, that unlike YOU one of my 600 friends will want to team up with me.
Okay, here are my top three inspiring costumes that will definitely win me the trophy:
1. Magical sisters Germima and Jenny Snoggletooth from Adventures of Amazing Wizard Girl.
2. Empress Buttercup and her bodyguard ladybug from Rainbow, Samurai of Kindness.
3. The butterfly and caterpillar from Clean-up Caterpillar and Flutterfly-Butterfly.
Anyway, I’m sorry things didn’t work out with us as library monitors or with our pop-up library. But now that I’m going to win the Book Parade, I won’t be having too much more to do with you, except for when I get my badge back and have to chase you up for that Princess Snow Cone book (I still haven’t forgotten). Now I’m off to see which one of my lucky friends wants to be part of my victory.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
As you know, I’m a world-renowned NICE person, so I want you to know there are no hard feelings from me either. I wish you luck tomorrow in the Book Parade. I’m looking forward to seeing you and ALL the other Germima and Jenny Snoggletooth costumes, because half the school is ALSO coming as those wizard sisters. But then you might decide to come as Empress Buttercup like Clarissa Spatts and the rest of 1st Grade! Or maybe you’ll join the SWARM of butterflies and caterpillars from that super irritating book about cleaning up your room??? If you DO come as a butterfly, I’m sure you and the other 50 kids (including Casper N!) will all look great!
Personally, I like to be a little more original. So since no one will partner with me, I’ll be partnering with myself and coming as something totally unique and no one will be able to copy me and then I’ll probably win and then I’ll get my library badge back and then I’ll take over the library and everyone will be so happy I’m back that I’ll be given a fluffy companion alpaca named Florence that smells like chocolate and is big enough to ride to school and also carries my schoolbag in her teeth.
Yours singularly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
OMG (Organic Mud Gloop) it’s true! IT’S TRUE! I’ve just talked to Jenny Philpot and heaps of kids are planning on coming as MY amazing ideas! This is terrible! Jenny Philpot said there are at least 10 Germima Snoggletooths and that’s just in our class! This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Remember last year when half the school copied me and came as Magic Wizard Kid? That was soooo bad. I definitely do not want to get caught up in that scandal again.
Unfortunately copying isn’t my biggest problem right now though...
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Let me guess … you’ve asked everyone in the class and no one will be your partner for Book Week? I bet I’m right. And you know how I know? I also asked everyone and they all said no. I guess you outsmarted yourself this time, Alice Toolie.
So here’s an idea … we could work TOGETHER to win the Book Parade. Then we could BOTH clear our names and get our badges back. I hate to say it Alice Toolie, but we really are stuck in this together. You’re in just as much trouble as me and two heads are better than one, particularly if you’re coming as a two-headed zebra named Bon Bon.
So, here are my top three suggestions that NO ONE else will do and will definitely win:
1. The space whale twins from Galactic Storm Whale.
2. The headless picnic zombies from Lunch in the Dead Zone.
3. The atomic goats from Atomic Goats Save Planet Earth.
Yours strategically,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Okay, okay! It’s true, no one will pair up with me. So, maybe you do have a point about us being stuck in this together. Also, if I team up with you, I won’t have to compete against you and I guess that’s one less person to beat...SO, it looks like it’s your lucky day, Jimmy Cook. I will team up with you (like I have a choice anyway!).
BUT I am not coming as a headless zombie or a space whale or whatever. Also I have ONE condition: we come as the Unicorn Professor from Princess Snow Cone and the Snuggle Panda Sleepover.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I love that unicorn professor! He’s basically a big hero of mine and very inspirational, so I accept your condition! We’ll definitely win it for sure! Only thing is, and I’m very serious about this … I have a condition of my own: I’m not being the unicorn butt.
Yours correctively,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
It does NOT surprise me that you are a HUGE fan of the Unicorn Professor in The Snuggle Panda Sleepover because you practically STOLE that book from the library.
As for your demand...Someone has to be the bottom!!!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Yes. But not me.
Yours not-posteriorly,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Let’s draw straws?
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Fine. Here’s my drawing of a straw:
Pretty good. Pretty straw-like.
I win!
Yours illustratively,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Drawing straws doesn’t mean you draw a picture of a straw! It means we get a short straw and a long straw and the person who draws the shorter straw loses.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Fine. Well I don’t want to lose, so here’s my drawing of a long straw:
Pretty good. Pretty long. I win!
Yours more definitely,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Okay, forget the straw! There’s no way I’m being the unicorn bottom. I know! Why don’t we flip a coin? Actually, I spent my last coin on a Raspberry Chewy so that might be a bit tricky. Hmmm...we could see who is the fastest at running to the end of the playground and back? That would be pretty fair, although I will warn you, I am really fast. I can time it on my new FitWit!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Nice try, but we will need someone NEUTRAL to time us. NOT you and not on your FitWit because then you’ll cheat. Also FitWits are totally terrible. Did you know that they track you and send all your information to aliens? So, definitely NO to that.
I’ll ask Conrad. He has a new BananaWatch, which I must admit is very impressive. It tells the time in 600 countries, including some that don’t even exist. It’s awesome. I totally want one for my future space travels.
Yours ambitiously,
Jimmy Cook
Hi Jimmy and Alice! Hi!
&
nbsp; Sure, I can time your race! That sounds super FUN! My new BananaWatch is so accurate it can keep time at the bottom of the ocean or on the moon or anywhere! It even tells me when I need to go to the toilet! Which is right now, actually. It’s so smart! Can’t wait to see who wins!
Conrad
Dear Jimmy,
You cheated! There is no way you got to the tree at the back of the playground in only four seconds! That’s soooooo ridiculous! Anyway, I saw you and you didn’t even touch the tree. You just went behind the rubbish bin and came right back! That’s totally cheating!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
The BananaWatch NEVER lies! You’ve seen the ads. I most certainly did get to the tree and back in four seconds. I used the portal behind the paper bin. I actually went a lot further than the tree because THAT portal takes you via the rings of Saturn and the sun (which is why I’m slightly sunburned on one side if you look closely) before it stops at the tree in the playground.
