by Mari Carr
Kristen made it as far as the front stoop of her house before her legs simply couldn’t carry her another step. So, she sat down and watched the world go by as her life crumbled around her.
She’d hurt Jason. And from the sound of pain in his voice, it seemed like she’d been doing so for a long time. Guilt ate at her. She didn’t think he was a bad man. Not even a little bit. He was fun and funny and when she thought about it, she knew her life had been a hell of a lot better for having him in it.
But in her typical cold, opinionated way, she’d failed to show him how she really felt. Instead, she’d made him feel—what did he say—stupid? The thought killed her.
She wasn’t sure how long she sat in numb silence before Shelly walked by.
“Kristen?”
Kristen glanced up. “Hey.” As far as greetings went, hers was probably the saddest in history.
Shelly frowned, coming over to sit next to her. “You okay?”
Kristen nodded once, then shrugged.
“You look like you just lost your best friend.”
The casual cliché was so true it struck Kristen as funny. She snorted, laughing loudly, but the gasping humor quickly turned to sobs.
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” Shelly embraced her as Kristen turned to her friend and attempted to cry out every ounce of pain in her broken heart.
“I’ve been so stupid and cruel.”
Shelly stroked her back and whispered softly, lovingly, sweet nothings in her attempt to calm her down. “Shh. You’re not cruel at all. I’m sure we can fix whatever’s happened. It’ll all be okay.”
Kristen didn’t bother to stem the tears. Instead, she just let go. Jason had been after her to do that for years. Go with the flow. Figured she’d master it now.
Finally after several minutes, Kristen managed to pull herself together.
“Does this have something to do with Matthew?” Shelly asked.
Kristen nodded. “Yeah. I think it does.” She’d stubbornly clung to the belief that she could be happy with the wrong man. And in doing so, she’d let the right one slip through her fingers.
“Tell me what you need, Kristen. I hate seeing you so sad.”
Kristen wiped her eyes with her fingers, then smiled gratefully when Shelly pulled a tissue from her purse. She swiped at her runny nose and tried to take a few deep breaths. She’d never been much of a crier, but she couldn’t deny it had helped to release some of the emotions she’d allowed to build up over the past few weeks—months.
“Can we just do something really mindless? That doesn’t require any thinking?”
Shelly grinned. “You’ve come to the right place. I’m the queen of disappearing. We’ll go to my place, order a thin crust veggie pizza, pig out and watch a couple old romantic comedies. I’ve got When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle. What do you say?”
“Sounds great.” While she knew the escape would be temporary, her emotions were too overwrought to allow her to find answers. She’d retreat tonight. Regroup tomorrow. Then, hopefully, she’d find some way to fix the mess she’d made.
Chapter Eight
In North Carolina, having sex other than missionary position and without the shades pulled down is considered a crime.
Jason scowled as he watched Kristen and Matthew quietly talking by the lake. Her birthday was coming up on Thursday. The wine girls had decided to hold a double party, celebrating Kristen’s big day early, while commemorating Zoey’s clean bill of health as well. The cancer was gone, the chemo over. And honestly, if Zoey’s happy news weren’t part of the reason for the event, Jason would have stayed away.
The wine girls had chosen to hold the festivities at a local swimming hole. It was a beautiful July day, but Jason wasn’t enjoying the sunshine or the relaxing atmosphere.
Watching as Kristen chatted with Matthew, it became clear she’d made her choice, but he sure as shit didn’t take any joy in watching her revel in it. Unfortunately, Zoey had called and specifically asked Jason to come today. He hadn’t been able to refuse her.
Two weeks of not speaking to Kristen had left him irritable and in no mood to watch her playing nice with the fucking doctor. Goddamn Mustache Man.
“Damn. Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?” Nick asked.
“Nobody.”
He saw Rob and Nick exchange confused glances, but he couldn’t find a way to explain why he’d spent the past fourteen days stewing in a pot of red-hot anger. He’d gone to the gym every day, thinking he could beat his aggressions out on the punching bag, but that hadn’t helped. He’d eviscerated witnesses on the stand, ripped a couple of neighborhood teenagers a new one for playing their music too loud, and he’d broken his alarm clock last night, tossing it against the wall around three a.m. when sleep failed him again.
For forty fucking years, he’d been Mr. Easygoing. The roll-with-the-punches guy who was always up for a party and a good time. All of that had evaporated, dried up in the face of Kristen’s rejection.
His head hurt, his chest was tight and his heart ached. And the worst part of it all was Kristen had been right. She’d warned him if things didn’t work out between them it would make life at the office difficult. He’d tried to avoid her as much as he could during the day, but every time he caught a glimpse of her or heard her voice through the wall or captured a whiff of that floral perfume, it felt like he was being sliced to ribbons—inside and out.
Nick took a sip of soda, following Jason’s gaze. “You realize if looks could kill, that Matthew guy would be dead about twenty times over by now.”
Nick’s comment clued Rob into the trouble, but it didn’t make things any clearer to him. “I thought you set Kristen up with the doctor.”
Jason nodded. “Yeah. I did. It was a mistake.”
Nick chuckled. “You figured that one out a little late, didn’t you, buddy?”
Jason gave his best friend a dirty look. “You’re not seriously going to sit here and pretend you knew that Kris and I should be together all along, are you?”
Nick feigned a shudder. “Hell no. You and the One-hit Wonder? I can’t believe the two of you have managed to work together for ten years, let alone anything else. But now that it’s out there, I guess it is pretty evident that something’s been looming for a while.”
Jason snorted. “Apparently it’s only obvious to you.”
“So why don’t you just throw your hat in the ring?” Rob asked. “Tell her you want to go out with her.”
Nick leaned back, digging his bare feet deeper in the sand. “Something tells me Jason’s already crossed that bridge and gotten shot down.”
Jason wanted to defend himself, inform his friends that he’d shot himself down, but pride kept him silent.
Rob continued to study Matthew and Kristen. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think she’s into that guy.”
Jason followed Rob’s gaze wondering what he was seeing that Jason wasn’t. To him, they appeared to be quite cozy with their chairs set close to each other at the edge of the water, splashing their feet in the cool lake as they talked.
“She’s into him,” Jason murmured. “He’s just what she wants in a man. No muss, no fuss.”
Nick frowned. “She might think that’s what she wants, but Kristen’s got more life in her than that. I know she comes across as the Ice Queen and all that shit, but she’d never be satisfied with a nice guy. This one will bore her to tears soon enough.”
Jason shrugged and tugged his ball cap lower over his face, hoping it would hide the fact he couldn’t look anywhere besides Kristen’s direction. “No. You’re wrong. I think she prefers it that way. Safe is better than sorry in Kristen’s world.”
“I gotta say I’m disappointed in you, J.”
Jason looked at Nick, confused. “Why?”
“You’re a killer in the courtroom, always going for the jugular, working your ass off to see justice done. You’ve clearly got it bad for Kristen, yet here you sit. Rolling over without
so much as a fight. Pretty lame if you ask me.”
Jason scowled, but found it hard to refute Nick’s comments. He had quit. Walked away rather than risk being hurt by her bad opinions of him. “Shit,” he muttered as the light came on. He sat up straighter and yanked off his sunglasses, staring pointedly at the woman he loved. Nick was right. He’d surrendered too soon.
Nick grinned. “Oh yeah.” He looked at Rob while pointing to Jason. “There is he, Rob. Our boy’s back in the ring. Should we open up the wagering?”
Rob laughed. “I’d love to, but I think we both plan to put our money on the same guy.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Jason appreciated his friends’ support. And the kick in the ass. Despite that, he was wondering if he’d be smart to take their bet and throw his cash on Matthew. He didn’t quite share their optimism. In fact, he was scared spitless.
But he’d buried his head in the sand like a jackass for long enough. If Kristen thought she was going to run him off that easily, she had another think coming.
He wasn’t finished trying to win her heart yet. Not by a long shot.
Kristen quietly excused herself from Matthew when she spied an opportunity to speak to Zoey and Shelly alone.
“Matthew and Jason?” she asked, fairly certain from the guilty expressions on her friends’ faces that she didn’t need to explain her unhappiness further.
Shelly shrugged casually. “We all put our heads together and tried to figure out a way to help.”
Kristen sighed. “All?”
“The wine girls,” Zoey replied. “It’s your own fault. You skipped the last happy hour. It gave us too much time to talk about you.”
“I’ll make sure I never miss again. So you decided it would be a good idea to invite both Jason and Matthew to my birthday party?”
Shelly looked chagrined. “That was actually Georgie’s idea. She thought it might encourage you to…”
“Piss or get off the pot,” Zoey finished for her friend.
“Awesome. And I’m supposed to do that all in one fell swoop? Today? With both of them here? Did Georgie have any idea how awkward that would be for me?”
Zoey tightened the beach towel wrapped around her hips. “We were sort of hoping it would force your hand. And yeah, now that I think about it, it was a pretty stupid idea. Of course, we were three bottles in when we came up with it.”
Despite her irritation, Kristen laughed. They were her friends—for better or worse—and she couldn’t deny they cared about her.
“Do you love Matthew?” Shelly asked.
Kristen shook her head. That was probably the easiest question she’d been asked in a long time. It was also an eye-opening one. “No. He’s a lovely man and he’s become a good friend, but I don’t feel anything stronger than that toward him.”
“I know you said companionship was enough for you at New Year’s, but is it really?” Shelly was a consummate romantic. No doubt her friend struggled to understand why Kristen wouldn’t race toward that breathless, heart-pounding, blood-rushing, passion-filled emotion now that it was standing less than fifty feet away from her. Kristen glanced at Jason and wished she knew why too.
“No. It’s not enough. I was wrong.”
Zoey looked over her shoulder at Matthew. “Then I think it’s time to cut the doctor loose.”
Kristen nodded. It was way past time for that. “Agreed.”
Shelly opened her mouth to ask another question, but Kristen cut her off.
“Don’t ask me how I feel about Jason. That’s the one I’m still struggling over.”
Zoey placed a gentle hand on Kristen’s shoulder. “Fair enough. Let’s start with baby steps. Take care of Matthew and then we’ll figure out our next move.”
Kristen had been a loner for most of her life, but she could definitely see the benefit in having girlfriends to support her on the way. It helped having someone to talk all these things out with. “Okay. Wish me luck.”
“Luck,” Shelly said with an encouraging grin, her fingers crossed.
Kristen walked to the edge of the lake where she and Matthew had set up their beach chairs and reclaimed hers.
Matthew smiled at her as she sat. “You’ve been quiet today. Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine. My head’s just been a million miles away. It’s such a peaceful place. Nice environment for thinking.”
He was a kind man and he didn’t deserve the run around she’d been giving him. The wine girls had been right about one thing. It was time she stopped stringing Matthew along.
He reached out and took her hand. “I’ve missed you the past few weeks.”
Jason wasn’t the only one she’d been holding at bay lately. “I’m sorry about that. I took that quick trip to the beach and then I’ve been so busy at work, I—”
“You don’t owe me an explanation, Kristen. I understand that work comes first.”
She used to believe the same thing. She said it all the time, but she didn’t feel that way anymore.
He squeezed her hand. “Actually, I’m glad your friends invited me along today. I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”
His tone gave her hope. Maybe he’d gotten sick of her avoiding him and he was going to dump her. She wouldn’t blame him if he did.
“These past few weeks without you have made me realize something.”
“What’s that?” she asked.
“I enjoy your company a great deal. Sometimes I’m amazed by how much we have in common.”
She smiled, unable to deny he was right. “I feel the same way.”
“I haven’t been completely honest with you, Kristen. I’m sure you’ve noticed that we haven’t—” he gestured with his hand, waving it between them, “—taken things to the next level.”
“Oh.” Crap. She’d thought he was going to break things off. Instead he wanted to talk about sex. “Listen, Matthew—”
“Please. This isn’t an easy thing to say, so I’d like to get it all out at once. We’ve been seeing each other for several months, so I’m sure you’re wondering why I haven’t pushed for a more intimate relationship.”
She leaned closer. “Matthew. I’m okay with that. I don’t need sex. Actually—”
He studied her face intently, cutting her off before she could explain further. “I know. I got that sense from you right away and I think that’s why we’re so perfect together.”
She frowned. “What?”
“The truth is I have some medical issues that make it difficult for me to…” He paused and she realized it was official. This was the most awkward and uncomfortable moment of her life.
“I understand,” she said quickly, hoping it would stop him from trying to explain in any more detail.
“My problems in the bedroom caused the rift between my ex-wife and me. She wanted more from me. But I don’t think you do. Kristen, I miss being married, miss the company and having someone to sleep next to at night. I like coming home and watching TV and traveling with a wife. We’re both older and entering a different stage in our lives—one that we can make all about us. I truly believe you and I could spend the next twenty or thirty years enjoying ourselves, reaping the benefits of our years of hard work together. I know this doesn’t sound like much of an offer, but I was hoping maybe it would be enough for you. That we could continue the way we’ve been and then somewhere down the road, we could make it more permanent.”
Holy shit. She’d gotten her marriage proposal. Exactly. Matthew was offering her companionship. He wouldn’t complain about her long work hours. He’d had his children and made it clear he didn’t want any more. And he didn’t give a shit about sex or love.
He clasped her hand tighter when the silence drifted on a moment too long. “I realize I’m dropping all of this on you out of the blue. Why don’t you take a few days to think it over? There’s no rush, no deadline. I just thought it was time I explained myself and my intentions toward you.”
“Actually, I want to ans
wer you now. The truth is if you’d offered this to me six months ago I would have accepted with no reservations. But I can’t do that now. I’ve come to realize I do want more from life. I thought I was too old and jaded to believe in passion and true love and all that silly stuff, but it turns out, I’m not. I want all of it, and I can’t settle for less.”
Matthew smiled kindly. “You deserve that. But I’m afraid I don’t have it to give to you.”
She nodded. “I know. You’re a lovely man and I genuinely wish the best for you, but—”
“But this is over,” he finished for her.
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
He released her hand, gently cupping her cheek. “Don’t be. As far as letdowns go, that was a very gentle one. Thank you for the past few months, Kristen. I wish you the very best and I hope you find that true love you’re looking for.”
They stood together and she accepted the quick, friendly kiss he offered before he packed up his chair and said goodbye.
As she watched him walk away, Kristen knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she’d made the right decision. The man who had offered her everything she’d thought she wanted was leaving and she didn’t feel an ounce of regret or sadness.
Her plans for a second chance at happiness had changed.
Kristen glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight. If she hadn’t been so keyed up after the picnic, she would have been asleep long ago. Instead, she’d paced the living room floor nonstop, trying to figure out where she’d taken such an abrupt left turn in her life and how the hell she could get on the new road she longed to take.
Jason had left the lake almost immediately after Matthew, not giving her a chance to speak to him. Part of her had wanted to call him once she’d gotten home, but the heat and emotions of the day had taken their toll and she decided she’d be smarter to wait until morning to contact him. The last thing she needed was to say all the wrong things again. Unfortunately she was going to suffer through some long, sleepless hours between now and dawn.
A knock on the door startled her. Who on earth? Her heart started to race as she silently made a wish. Please let it be Jason. Then she reconsidered. She was on edge, wound too tight to deal with Jason.
