“Are you saying she is lying there willing herself to die?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“There are many reasons why a Fae would choose to do so. Unhealable damage, exile, a broken heart, unstoppable suffering.” He bit the inside of his cheek and stared again at the swollen clouds, a crease forming between his dark brows. “Sacrifice.”
“No!” Searly shouted. “I do not accept that. Will not accept that. Make her stop. Bring her back.”
“I cannot,” Zeph said, his words soft, defeated.
“Do something!” Searly roared. “Anything! We cannot sit here and watch her die.”
“I told you–”
Searly rushed toward Zeph, grabbing him by his robe and twisting it in his fists. “You did this! This is your fault!”
Zeph actually had the good grace to look contrite and did nothing to remove Searly’s hands. “I didn’t know.” His throat bobbed as he swallowed. “I didn’t know.”
Searly growled and gripped his robe tighter. “Didn’t know what?”
“I didn’t know she would choose to Fade! I’ve never known a Fae to give up one’s life. I didn’t know!”
“Why would you?” Searly hissed. “You bloody, evil monster. You killed her parents. You stole her and brought her here. You threatened to kill me and others if she didn’t come with you. You–”
“SHE LEFT ME!” Zeph roared, shoving Searly off of him. “She left me to die!”
“I don’t care!” Searly yelled. “I don’t care what you think she did to you!”
“Think?” Zeph said, his jaw flexing, his face reddening, his eyes turning rigid and hard. “Get out,” he hissed.
“No,” Searly seethed. “She should have left you to die. Because if you had died then we wouldn’t be in this godforsaken place.”
“Get out,” Zeph repeated through gritted teeth.
“I’m not leaving her with you.”
“Get. Out.”
Searly wasn’t budging. “No,” he said defiantly.
Zeph turned his back, slamming his fist into the wall. Stone crumbled and fell to the floor, kicking up eddies of dust in its wake. “GET. OUT.”
“NO!” The two men stared at each other, breathing hard until the moment stretched and pulled into another unwavering silence.
Elin whimpered and Searly was around the bed and at her side, the confrontation momentarily forgotten. He took her hand again and brought it to his cheek.
“Elin,” he said gently. “Can you hear me?”
She had the same blank expression, except for the tear that trickled from her right eye. Searly wiped it away with the back of his finger. “Do not cry. I am here. I won’t leave you. On my life, I will not.”
Minutes passed and Elin made no other sounds. She remained as still as she had for the past four days. How long could a person, Fae or not, live without eating or drinking? How long could this go on before she finally let go?
“She’s grieving.” Zeph had walked to the other side of Elin’s bed and stared down at her, his eyes softening, his face contorting into something Searly couldn’t understand. “Why does she grieve for so many but never grieved for me?”
Holding Elin’s hand yet keeping his eyes on Zeph, Searly asked, “What happened? You say she left you. She doesn’t even know you.”
Zeph shook his head, eyes lowered. Elin startled them both when she shot upright from the bed, gasping for breath.
Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes.
I floated on my back, staring into a beautiful void. There was no beginning or end, no before or after, no here or now, only peace and tranquility where sorrow had no meaning and hearts went still.
Then the voices called…Let go and be free.
I wanted to let go, but something held me back. I reached through the darkness and drew up emptiness.
Let go, let go, let go…
The pain inside my chest ignited and burned hot like dry, seasoned oak, the flames licking at the walls of my heart.
Let go...be free...
I felt a tug, a cadence, a whisper of words. Hold on, it said. Then mint-pearl eyes came into focus and turned my heart into a smoldering ache.
Let go, the voices said.
I’m afraid to, I answered.
Hold on, acushla.
Acushla. I remembered the name. Why then could I not remember my own?
What are you doing, my love?
This time, when I reached into the darkness, my feet found the bed of the river and stood for the first time, water sluicing down and over my body. I knew that voice.
Elin, it is not your time. Go back and face your fears.
The darkness fell away and I was in a meadow. The grass swayed in the breeze while my dress fluttered at my feet. A light appeared, shining so brightly I could not look upon it. A silhouette of a woman with long flowing hair stepped from the light. The closer she drew, the dimmer the light became until she was standing before me holding out her hands, and I was finally able to see her face.
“Mother?” I whimpered.
“Oh, Elin. I have missed you so.”
Heartache slammed into my chest and knocked me breathless, remembering all I had lost. “Mother?” I questioned again, still unable to believe she was right here.
“Yes, my darling.” She took me by the hands.
I wept when she wrapped her arms around me. “I’ve m-missed you too. So much.”
She pulled back and cradled my face in both palms. “You must listen to me. You cannot stay here. You must return.”
“No,” I said, my voice sounding watery. “I want to be with you and Father. Take me with you.”
“You have a destiny, Daughter.”
I shook my head. “It is over.” I remembered it all, every little thing at the sight of my mother and I wept again. “If I go back, I am dead anyway. Let me stay with you.”
“No,” she said, wiping my tears away. “You must fulfill your destiny or all this will have been for naught.”
“I don’t want to h-hurt any m-more.”
Mother pulled back, a stern look on her face. “You are stronger than this.”
“But…”
“No.” She forced me to look her in the eye. “Do not give up. For me. Do it for me.”
“That’s not fair.”
“No,” she said, stroking my cheek, “I suppose it isn’t. I’m asking anyway.”
I gave myself a moment before I answered her. The tightness in my chest, the pain, it was all too much. I was drowning in grief and despair.
Then I remembered what Searly had said to me.
“Grief is much too heavy to carry. Let it walk beside you instead. It will lead in the beginning because your pain is new and raw. Eventually, it will fall behind. At times, it will catch back up to you, and then it will fall behind again. Then one day, you will look over your shoulder and will have to squint to see it.”
Mother lifted my chin. “Trust me,” she said. “Trust me one last time that I know what’s best for you. You must go back.”
I closed my eyes and nodded, hating this was my life now.
She smiled. “That’s my girl.” She hugged me, and I knew it would be the last time.
I hugged her tighter and held on with all I had.
After a moment, she pulled away and placed her hands on my shoulders. “You must save him, Elin.”
“Who?”
The light returned, blinding me once again. “Save him,” she whispered.
“Who am I supposed to save, Mother? Lochlan? Is he in trouble?”
The light disappeared and she was gone.
Then I was being swept away at a terrifying rate of speed, pulled through the dark abyss and shoved back into the waters of nothingness.
“No!” I shouted. “I’m not staying. I have to go back!”
I sat up gasping for air.
“Elin!”
Under my palm, my heart thundered like a drum, still trying to suck air int
o my lungs. I closed my eyes and Mother’s words came rushing back.
Do not give up, Elin.
My mother. I had seen my mother. Heat bloomed inside me, warming me like summer.
A hand on my shoulder startled me.
“Elin…”
I slumped in relief at seeing the monk sitting beside me.
“Searly, you’re alive.” I couldn’t help the quivering in my chin.
“Aye.” He pulled me into his arms and held me against his chest. “I was so afraid we were going to lose you.”
“I’m sorry,” I rasped.
“Shhh.” He pulled away to reach for a cup. “Drink.”
I sipped the cider and held the cup firmly in my hands, feeling the need to hold something.
“I’m going to go,” a voice in the corner said.
I battled the urge to recoil at the sound of Zeph’s voice. Bitterness filled my mouth. “You,” I hissed. He was the reason for all of it. My fingers tightened around the cup, anger coiling in my gut. I wanted to strike at his head and make him wish for death.
Zeph held up his hands, palms up, his mouth curling into a cruel smirk. “I said I was leaving.”
Flames of fury licked up my spine. “I want to go home. No, I demand you let us go home!”
He took a step toward me, his smirk fading. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
I threw the cup at his head. He ducked, peering behind him as it crashed into the wall.
When he turned back to me and I saw a grin consume his face, I leaped off the bed, no thought in my head other than I wanted him dead. Searly grabbed me around the waist before I could get close to him.
“Whoa,” I said, my head spinning like a wheel.
Searly gripped my shoulders and eased me back onto the bed. “Easy, lass,” he said. “You’re much too weak for this. Zeph said he was leaving. Let him go.”
I was so angry that my whole body began to shake and tears pricked my eyes again. Only these were tears of anger, and angry tears were the worst. I hated him for it. I hated him for so many things. I called for the Earth to quake, for the ground to swallow him whole. I dug deep, the way Lochlan had taught me, feeling that tingle in my belly, the sensation in my fingers, the vibration in my soul, and waited for the powers I possessed to end this war and destroy this evil once and for all.
The Earth did not quake. Not even a tremble.
“You do not have powers here, Elin,” Zeph said, knowing I’d been trying to call upon them. “Why do you think I brought you here?”
“I don’t know, Zeph,” I snapped, his name a bitter pill on my tongue. “I cannot be expected to know how evil thinks.”
His mouth quirked to the side. “No, I suppose not. My advantage then.” He studied me for a moment, the angles of his face softening, and took another step forward. Swallowing hard, he looked away, hardening his shell as if by force of will.
“Go,” Searly said. “Just go.”
Zeph’s eyes slid to Searly. They both stared, daring the other to look away. Finally, Zeph conceded. “Very well.” He nodded once to Searly, then to me.
I narrowed my gaze and told him without words the battle I intend to give him. I no longer feared Zeph. I simply hated him.
He nodded subtly. Challenge accepted. He turned his back and made for the door. I waited for the soft click of the latch before asking Searly, “Did he hurt you?”
“I am fine, lass. Do not worry for me.”
“Too late. I will worry until we are home.”
“Aye.” He patted my hand. “I will worry the same.”
“Where are we?”
“He calls it Shadowland.”
“How long have we been here?”
“Several days, lass.”
“We have to get out of here.”
Searly looked down, nodding. “That we do.” Something else troubled his mind. I could feel it in the crux of my soul.
“What is it?”
The vulnerability in his unguarded expression made my heart stutter. “Overwhelmed is all. You gave me a good fright.” Searly went over to pick up the cup I’d thrown and refilled it. “Drink, child. You need to drink, eat, and sleep. The rest we will worry with later when you’ve grown stronger.”
“All right,” I said, taking in the dark circles under his eyes.
Searly handed me a chunk of bread from a side table. “Small bites for now,” he instructed.
When he was satisfied I’d had enough bread and drank enough cider he settled in a chair beside the bed. “Now we rest.”
“You haven’t rested at all have you?” I asked, feeling guilty when Searly’s red-rimmed eyes found mine.
“Now that I know you’re all right, I will sleep like a babe.” He closed his eyes and within minutes he was sound asleep.
I turned on my side and watched him as the light of a candle flickered over his handsome face, highlighting the tiny silver line of a scar above his lip. I closed my eyes and thanked God above that my sacrifice hadn’t been in vain.
The sound of splashing water woke me from a restless sleep. I immediately sat up and noticed Searly missing from his chair. My eyes darted to the lady across the room setting down a bucket and lifting another. She poured water into a barrel tub that was padded with cloth with a canopy hanging above.
“Where is Searly?” I asked nervously.
When she turned in my direction, I couldn’t help gaping at her lavender hair, striking blue eyes, and pointed ears. A smile spread over her pixie face but when she noticed how I had pulled the furs up to my chin, covering myself, her smile faded.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her cheeks coloring. “I-I didn’t mean to wake you. Your friend is in the library. I’ll take you to him if you like. I thought perhaps you may want to clean up and put on fresh clothes.” She pointed to the table in the center of the room. “I brought food for you. Your friend wanted you to eat something.” She set the bucket down beside her and lifted another, continuing to fill the tub. Steam rose from the top, swirling in a graceful dance.
I bit my lower lip and looked around. I’d not taken the time to do so before. It was a colorless, drab space with no paintings, rugs, or tapestries. No personal items of any kind. A skeletal room long forgotten, stripped of splendor and beauty, sagging under the weight of neglect, dying slowly. A thick coating of dust blanketed the windows, preventing light from seeping through. Oil lamps placed strategically around the room did little to brighten the hopelessness.
“Your bath is ready if you would like to wash.”
My eyes flitted back to the woman. “I’m sorry? You are…?”
“My name is Arwyn.” She pointed to the chair Searly had vacated. “Your friend left a note beside the bed for you. He said you would worry if he wasn’t here when you woke.”
I picked up the parchment…
Elin,
Zeph said we were free to move about the keep. Arwyn showed me where the library was so that is where I’ll be. Meet me there after you’ve dressed and eaten.
Searly
I folded the parchment in half and placed it back on the table.
“I met Searly a few days ago while you were sleeping. He’s a very kind man. He hasn’t left your side once. This morning, I convinced him to let me take care of you so he could stretch his legs.” She gestured around the room. “He’s been in this one room for days. I thought it would do him good.” She looked down and toyed with her sleeves. “I hope you don’t mind.”
I stared at the lavender-haired lady in front of me, trying to detect malice or ill-intent. I sensed neither.
“You’ll take me to him after I’ve washed and dressed?”
“And eaten.” She grinned. “He was very clear he wanted you to eat.”
“Of course,” I said, fighting my own grin, knowing he would have insisted.
“Do you need help getting up?”
She started to move toward me but I held up my hand. “No.” She froze, her smile slipping from her pretty fac
e. “I’m sorry, I–I think I can manage on my own.”
She nodded. “All right.”
Slowly, I let my feet touch the cold stone. The coolness of it was biting and I longed to curl back under the warmth of the furs. After one step, dizziness sprung forth, and I had to clutch the side of the bed.
“Please, miss. Let me help you.”
I was reluctant, but I had to believe Searly wouldn’t have left me alone if he thought she would do me harm.
“All right,” I said. “Thank you.”
As she approached, I noticed the dusting of freckles across her nose and cheeks, and how her dress shimmered as she moved, reaching the floor in swaths of golden silk. A tiny, delicate thing she was, but I found myself leaning into her as she guided me across the floor, because she radiated warmth and generated kindness and I was in need of both.
She helped me undress and then helped ease me into the tub.
“Now then,” she said, pulling at the canopy to close it, granting me a bit of privacy. “I’ll be right outside the door. When you’re ready to get out, call for me and I’ll be in to help. All right?” I nodded. “The soaps are on the stool by your head.”
“I see it. Thank you.”
“Right. I’ll leave you to it then.”
I leaned back and took a long, deep breath. Now that I was alone, I could think about my mother and how beautiful she looked, how wonderfully warm she’d felt. Then I remembered what she’d said to me.
You have to save him, Elin.
Who was I supposed to save? Searly? Lochlan?
I sighed and something inside my chest shifted. Lochlan. God, just speaking his name... My fingers trembled when I touched my lips, wanting more than anything to feel him there, where his name had just been and I couldn’t catch the sob from escaping. The look on his face the last time I’d seen him. The pain in his eyes, the worry, the grief. It was staggering.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
“Elin?”
I opened my eyes, thinking my mind was playing tricks, however I said his name anyway. “Lochlan?”
“Elin?”
The Moon Shines Red (Heart of Darkness Book 1) Page 16
