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“I am captivated by A. Meredith Walters. She writes the most beautifully flawed characters that still have you swooning. Every book she writes is an automatic buy for me.”
—Sawyer Bennett, New York Times bestselling author of the Off series
Praise for
Lead Me Not
“Dangerously sexy. . . . Amazing. . . . I felt I was standing right next to Aubrey feeling all the emotions and turmoil she was feeling.”
—The Book Enthusiast
“An amazingly real portrayal. . . . Aubrey and Maxx left me heartbroken [and] will be in my head for years.”
—Thirty Second Reviews
“I really, really loved this book. A. Meredith Walters made me care so much about these characters, I was still thinking about them days after I finished the book.”
—A Nook for Books
“Intense, heartbreaking, and emotionally charged.”
—Vilma’s Book Blog
“Beautiful. . . . The characters are well developed and the story will take you on an emotional journey to the very end.”
—Anacely’s Books
“So raw and so honest. . . . An amazing story . . . [that] I didn’t want to end.”
—BCS Reviews
For Gwyn
Remember that true love should never be conditional.
prologue
aubrey
trust.
Faith.
Belief.
Every relationship is built on them. Without these three words, everything around you would crumble. I wasn’t sure if these were things Maxx and I had ever had.
So how do you begin a future without the foundation it needs to thrive? How could I believe in a life that had only just begun when I wasn’t sure I could trust the man I was building it with?
I wanted to. In my heart I had an unwavering optimism that this time it would be different. That we were different.
But our past was a twisted, ugly thing and it was difficult to move on from it. No matter how much we wanted to. It lay in wait. Poised and ready for the moment when we thought we had finally worked through our demons.
Then they would strike. Distrust. Suspicion. Doubt. They were the poison in our souls that threatened to undo everything. But there was the light. The glimmer of possibility that shone out of our dark. It was hope. And that was just as powerful.
But as much as I tried to trust, I could never truly forget. That heart, brimming with this illogical hope, wouldn’t let me.
So how do we build a life on such a shaky foundation? One painful brick at a time. And just maybe we’d find our happily ever after.
Before our past burned it to the ground.
chapter
one
aubrey
“miss Duncan, you have been asked here today to discuss the allegations that have been lodged against you in regard to your behavior toward a member of the support group you had been co-facilitating. These allegations describe a personal and inappropriate relationship that is a clear violation of our ethical codes of conduct.”
I looked steadily at the three people who sat at the table in front of me. I picked at the skin around my fingernails and tried not to fidget in my seat. My day of reckoning was here.
I was nervous. I’d be an idiot if I weren’t. This was the possible end of all of my dreams and aspirations. Three years of hard work crumbling around me. But losing my place in the Longwood University counseling program wasn’t what kept me awake at night for the past two weeks. It wasn’t what had my insides twisted into knots and tears drying on my cheeks.
My state of emotional upheaval could only be attributed to one thing. One pivotal moment that had shredded my soul and threatened to unravel me.
Saying good-bye to Maxx Demelo. Choosing my sanity over his pain. Leaving him when he needed me the most. And even though our dysfunctional love had almost ruined me, I still couldn’t shake the guilt.
But I wasn’t defeated yet. It was time to be a grown-up and face the consequences of my disastrous choices head-on. It was my only option now that I had lost the person I had thrown everything away for.
Dr. Lowell, my academic adviser, sat beside two of her university colleagues. She was stoically looking at the paper in her hands. Her mouth was pinched and her brow was furrowed. She was upset and disappointed in me. And she had every right to be.
I had been her most promising student. I had a good GPA. I had been on the fast track to a great career as a substance abuse counselor. I had taken my future seriously.
Until the day Maxx had walked into the support group and blown my life apart. Now when she looked at me, all she saw was a screwup. It sucked.
“We have read over your written statement and it seems you aren’t denying the allegations. Is that correct, Miss Duncan?” Dr. Jamison, the head of the Counseling Department, asked, pursing his lips. He looked at me over the rim of his wire-framed glasses, condemnation written all over his face. Obviously he had already made up his mind about me. And it wasn’t favorable.
I sat up straight and squared my shoulders. I took a deep breath and readied myself. Because all I could do was be completely and totally truthful. I was long overdue for a healthy dose of honesty.
“That’s correct, Dr. Jamison. I admit to engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a member of the substance abuse support group. As I wrote in my statement, I was aware that my actions were a violation of the code of conduct and I accept any and all disciplinary action.” I was proud of the fact that my voice never wavered. I didn’t cry, whimper, or plead. I would take my punishment, whatever it may be. Inside, however, I was crumbling.
Dr. Jamison looked at Professor Bradley, a slight woman with obviously dyed brown hair and a nasty habit of mixing plaids with stripes, and said something under his breath. He then turned to Dr. Lowell, who continued to keep her head down. Dr. Lowell nodded, her hands clenched on the table in front of her.
They talked quietly among themselves while I fiddled with a piece of string hanging from the hem of my skirt. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was a little after one. I had been in this chair, sitting in front of my judge and jury, for only half an hour, but it felt like forever.
I knew that my friends Renee Alston and Brooks Hamlin were waiting for me out in the hallway. Brooks would be pacing the floor, while Renee twisted her hands in her lap. I could practically feel their anxiety through the walls.
Anxiety I should have shared . . . if it weren’t for the shards of a broken heart piercing my chest.
It had been fifteen days since I had last spoken to Maxx Demelo. Fifteen days since I had told him I couldn’t stay and watch him destroy himself as he fell deeper and deeper into an addiction that I had tried to save him from. Fifteen days since he had almost died.
I convinced myself that I had done the right thing by walking away. Continuing to stand by his side while he slowly lost control would have destroyed me. I couldn’t have watched him make the same bad choices that had taken the life of my sister, Jayme, years ago.
I should never have fallen in love with him in the first place.
“Aubrey.” Dr. Lowell’s voice brought me out of my suffocating guilt. I blinked and tried to refocus on my situation.
“Dr. Jamison, Professor Bradley, and I all agree that you have behaved in a manner that is both unprofessional and ina
ppropriate. Your actions have had a negative impact, not only on your reputation within this department, but on this department’s reputation in the community.” I swallowed thickly but I never looked away from the narrowed eyes of my favorite teacher.
“You have put me and the rest of the department in a very precarious position. Despite your exemplary academic record, we can’t be shown giving lenience to you, particularly considering the severity of the violation,” Dr. Lowell stated sternly.
“We have come to the decision that you will be placed on academic suspension until it is agreed by all parties that you are to be permitted to resume your place in the program.”
I blinked, hardly breathing. It had happened. It had really freaking happened.
I had potentially trashed my school career for the dream of a future with a man who had selfishly thrown it away. My chest felt tight and I felt panicky.
What was I going to do now?
How could I crawl back up from rock bottom? Was it even possible? I felt the door slamming shut on me, and even though I had prepared myself for the likelihood of it happening, I wasn’t quite prepared enough.
But I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t allow myself to be reduced to a weeping mess. Aubrey Duncan was made of stronger stuff than that, even if the thought of curling into a tight, compact ball seemed incredibly appealing.
“However . . .” Dr. Lowell began, and my heart skipped a beat at the slight change in her tone. A sliver of something other than displeasure laced her words.
“Positive reinforcement is just as effective as negative consequences. And I think it’s important that you be given the opportunity to earn your place back in the program. This suspension does not have to be permanent. But that will have to depend on you. You have assured us that the relationship is no longer a source for concern and that you have accepted accountability for your actions. Despite the severity of the offense, I don’t think it should negate the years of hard work you have put into the program. This doesn’t need to be an indefinite punishment.”
Was I supposed to be relieved that my professors were giving me a second chance? Was I expected to do cartwheels because I was given the opportunity to win back their approval?
I couldn’t help but feel a flash of bitter resentment toward the individuals sitting in front of me, looking down their noses in pious disapproval. How easily they cast their judgments. A large part of me was very aware that I deserved it. But there was also a defiant, rebellious side of me that wanted to scream.
I swallowed the momentary need to tell them what I really thought and nodded. It was the only response I could give without making my situation worse.
Dr. Lowell watched me for a few minutes, and I knew that she had picked up on my warring emotions. Dr. Lowell had always understood me—she had been my mentor, the woman I had looked up to. The deterioration of her goodwill was in many ways the toughest part about this.
“Your volunteer hours will be rescinded, and should you regain your place in the counseling program down the road, you will have to begin your clinical hours again, which could greatly impact your graduation next spring.” Dr. Lowell glanced back down at the paper in her hands, as though looking at me had become too much for her.
“You will continue with your other coursework as normal. Your gen-ed requirements will continue as before. However, you will not be attending any of the counseling and psychology classes. Though it will be mandatory that you audit Dr. Jones’s Boundaries and Ethics in Counseling class.”
“I completed that class last fall, Dr. Lowell. I earned a B,” I pointed out. Dr. Lowell gave me a patronizing look and continued without pausing. “We feel that a refresher is necessary. And it goes without saying that you will have absolutely no direct counseling interaction. After the suspension is lifted we can discuss how to make up for the time you have lost and what your best move forward will be.”
Not being able to complete my counseling coursework was going to put me so behind I wasn’t sure I’d be able to catch up. How would I ever be able to graduate on time when I would be essentially starting this year over?
“You will be required to meet with me once a week to evaluate your progress and discuss your options. All of this is mandatory if you wish to return to the counseling program. And I don’t think I need to tell you that any sort of contact with Maxx Demelo will be strictly prohibited while he is considered a therapeutic client.”
I wanted to laugh at the last statement, knowing that particular caveat would not be an issue. Dr. Lowell removed her glasses and folded them slowly, laying them down on the table. Dr. Jamison was making notes and Professor Bradley seemed to be counting down until the end of this uncomfortable hearing.
“Aubrey, I don’t need to tell you again how your actions have reflected on this department within the community. It has strained relations with the community service board, which has been our partner in providing services to our campus for over fifteen years. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are a smart, capable young woman . . . who happened to make a mistake that could have ended your career before it began.” Dr. Lowell’s mouth turned down.
“I hope you take this opportunity for what it is. A second chance to prove to us, to the department, and more importantly to yourself, that you can put aside your personal feelings and act in a manner that is both professional and appropriate.”
“I will, Dr. Lowell. I promise,” I let out in a rush, not able to identify exactly what the swirling emotions running wildly inside me were.
Disappointment? Definitely. Anger? Most likely. A little bit of relief that I still, after everything, was being given a glimmer of hope that I could get myself out of the mess I had created? Absolutely.
“We will send you an official letter with the panel’s decision in writing. This will also define the requirements of your suspension and what will be expected of you. Do you have any questions, Miss Duncan?” Dr. Jamison asked.
“No, sir,” I said, hoping I wouldn’t pass out. I just wanted to get through those last few moments and get out of there.
Dr. Jamison nodded, and just like that, I was dismissed. I quickly gathered my purse and hurried out into the hallway. Brooks, as I suspected, was pacing and Renee was chewing on her thumbnail. Both looked up as I opened the door. Renee got to her feet and rushed over.
“What happened?” Renee asked, sounding almost as frantic as I felt.
I looked from her to Brooks, still in a daze. Renee gave me a little shake. “Damn it, Aubrey, what the hell happened?” my best friend and roommate demanded.
“Suspended. I was suspended,” I answered, the words sounding dry and brittle in my ears.
“Shit. They kicked you out?” Brooks asked, squeezing my shoulder.
I let out a shrill laugh that sounded almost manic to my ears. “Yeah, they kicked me out. But Dr. Lowell says I can earn my spot back. You know, after I jump through a few hoops.”
Brooks gave me a reassuring smile. “Well, that sounds promising. It’s not like it’s forever.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, Brooks.” I wasn’t ready to hear words of encouragement from him just yet. A part of me still wondered if he’d been the one who’d ultimately told Kristie, the woman who co-facilitated the counseling group where I first met Maxx, about our relationship.
Renee looped her arm through mine and I found myself leaning on her, appreciating the sign of solidarity. “Oh come on. You’ve got this, girl. If there’s one thing I know about my friend, it’s that she’s a survivor. And you can get through this.” Brooks nodded in agreement.
I began to feel bolstered with a renewed sense of strength. Dr. Lowell was right: I needed to take the time to sort myself out. To prove to everyone I wasn’t a total head case.
Brooks walked on my other side, a few feet away from us. His presence was surprisingly comforting, considering how strained things had been between us recently. Our friendship had taken a hit after he had found out about my relationship wit
h Maxx. He had been understandably disapproving. And it didn’t help that Brooks also happened to be my ex-boyfriend.
At the time I had been infuriated by his censure. But Brooks had been right all along: I’d been building a relationship with a man who was hell-bent on self-destruction. And that relationship had torn everything apart: school, my friendships, my self-respect. In the end, Maxx had almost died, and I had come perilously close to losing it all. Now here I was, standing in the rubble, trying to figure out how to put all of the pieces back together.
I looked over at Renee, who gave me a reassuring smile, and realized that one good thing had come out of all of this ugliness. Our friendship was stronger than ever. We had a connection that hadn’t been there before.
If anyone could understand how difficult it was to move past a destructive relationship, it was Renee. Like me, she was trying to rebuild a life that had gone dangerously off track as a result of her love for the wrong man.
Brooks reached out and grabbed ahold of my arm, pulling me to a stop. “Hey, you’ll be fine. You’re one of the strongest people I know. And you won’t let anything or anyone hold you back.” Brooks took hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“I know you’re still beating yourself up. But that needs to stop. I think it’s time you let all of that past shit go. Move on. It’s way past time,” he advised, and I knew he was right.
He had given me versions of this speech many times in the last two weeks, and I hadn’t been ready to hear it. But walking away from the psychology building and experiencing one of the lowest points of my life, I think that perhaps I was finally hearing him. Finally taking it in.
I gave him a small but genuine smile and then extracted my fingers from his and tucked them into my pockets. Even though I appreciated his faith in me, I was discomfited by his expression of physical affection. We hadn’t held hands since we’d dated a few years ago, and his touch, with its familiar intimacy after all this time, felt strange. Not exactly wrong, but not exactly right either.
Follow Me Back Page 1
