Landon’s face softened. Just a bit. “Seeing you in that hospital sucked, Maxx. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared,” he admitted gruffly. I knew talking about feelings wasn’t something he liked to do, being a teenage boy and all.
“I know, man. I’m sorry. Really, really sorry. I was . . . I am . . . an addict.” It hurt to admit that out loud. To confirm the words he’d spat in my face, to confirm what I had denied for so long. And to my brother. The one person I had tried so hard to hide it from.
But I also felt relieved that finally, after all this time, I could admit it. Own it. Move on from it.
“So you’ve stopped, then?” Landon’s voice sounded small and it reminded me how young he really was. It reminded me of that little kid I had taken care of all those years ago.
“Yes, God, yes. But I can’t lie and say I don’t want to. Because I do. All the time. But I’m going to fight against it. Because you deserve better from me, Landon.”
Landon nodded and turned back to the television. I didn’t say anything else, not sure if I should stay or leave. Landon wasn’t giving me much to go on.
When his show was over, Landon got to his feet and I figured that was my cue to go. I was disappointed that things felt so unfinished. I couldn’t tell if Landon was willing to forgive me or not. I didn’t know if this was it. Whether I’d lost my brother for good.
Landon started to walk out of the room and then stopped, not quite turning back to me. “You wanna help me change the oil in the ’stang?” he asked, his tone noncommittal.
I felt something that was a lot like hope spark inside me. “Sure, buddy. I’d like that,” I told him, getting to my feet and following him out to the garage.
chapter
seventeen
aubrey
as far as weeks could go, I’d had better. I had been working hard to keep my nose down and focus on my schoolwork, staying late on campus to study. I went to class and then I went home, not lingering too long in between. I had to limit the chances of a run-in that would only leave me bruised and wanting.
I was walking home from class that particular afternoon, thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time. I was trying to concentrate on the stuff that mattered. School. Getting back into the counseling program. My friendships with Renee and Brooks. Anything but Maxx Demelo.
I had my eyes trained to the ground, moving quickly. I started up the steps to my apartment building, when a movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. I paused and turned and then wished instantly that I hadn’t.
Tucked into the shadowed alcove between my apartment building and the shop next door were two people locked in a passionate embrace. The man had the woman pressed against the wall, her hands gripping his shoulders as he held her tightly.
He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist without once breaking the kiss that was consuming them both. My stomach rolled and I felt an inexplicable guilt as I watched the scene in front of me. Ugly emotions surfaced about my own warring emotions about Maxx.
I watched my roommate run her fingers through Devon Keeton’s short red hair and for a moment, I hated her for not being stronger. For falling right along with me. Because clearly I wasn’t the only one who was tempted to open a door that was better off left closed.
I turned my back on Renee and her ex-boyfriend and walked inside.
Renee breezed into the apartment half an hour later, a mess of hair and frenetic energy. Even if I hadn’t seen her in the alley with douchebag Devon, I would have instantly known something was up. Her face was flushed, her eyes bright, and her hands shook when she turned the lock in the door.
“Hey,” I said, going for blandly neutral.
“Hey,” Renee said back, not quite meeting my eyes like the guilty girl she was.
“Where’ve you been?” I asked, digging a bit for information, testing the waters to see whether she’d be honest and forthright.
It seemed my dear roommate and best friend opted for a renewed relationship with dishonesty and distance.
“Library,” she responded vaguely.
“Really. Did you get a lot of reading done?” Reading being a euphemism for dirty, wrong spit swapping.
“Yeah, I’m going to nail that microbiology test tomorrow,” she said, and if I hadn’t known she was lying I would have been fooled. She was that convincing.
“Or nail something else,” I muttered.
“Excuse me?” she asked, looking flustered.
“I saw you,” I said.
I had to give my friend credit, she played confused well. She tied her disheveled hair up into a ponytail and gave me a bewildered smile. “Oh yeah? Where?”
“With Devon,” I told her, trying not to sound as disappointed as I felt. In her. In me. In our obvious inability to really move on from the person who hurt us so badly.
Renee’s face paled, and she began chewing on her bottom lip. “It’s not what it looked like—”
“Is that why things with Iain didn’t work out? Because of Devon?” I asked, not because I couldn’t believe she would be so stupid, but because I understood her choices all too well.
But that didn’t make them any easier to swallow.
Renee narrowed her eyes. “Don’t, Aubrey,” she warned.
I held my hands up in a placating gesture. “I’m not judging, Renee! I just want to know what’s going on. Talk to me, please,” I begged, desperate for us to not fall back into that horrible place where our friendship used to reside. Full of secrets and mistrust. Laden with tension and false smiles. And all because of the very man I had seen her kissing minutes before.
“I don’t know what’s going on. Just please drop it!” she pleaded, heading back to her bedroom.
I didn’t chase her. I didn’t demand answers. Maybe I should have. But I couldn’t. Not when I could only look at her and see my own failings.
We woke up the next morning and drank our coffee together as if nothing at all had happened. We walked to school and talked about the weather and every other mundane, boring topic we could think of. And for the most part, we were pseudonormal. Except for the unspoken words that lay between us.
Except for the truth.
I walked in the door of my classroom later that day and promptly stopped in my tracks. April, Evan’s emotionally beaten girlfriend from support group, stood in front of the professor’s desk, handing him a slip of paper. She looked up as I came in, her face a mask.
I scurried to my seat and pulled out my textbook, burying my nose into the reading, my earlier feelings of goodwill vanishing quickly. I refused to look up when I saw a pair of ratty sneakers in my peripheral vision walking past and sitting at the desk directly beside me.
I chanced a glance to my left and saw April sitting beside me despite several other available desks around the room, chewing on her thumbnail. I kept reading until the professor started his lecture, ignoring her.
“Do you have an extra pen?”
I practically jumped out of my seat at the sound of the soft, yet husky voice of the frail dark-haired girl I had never heard speak before. “Uh, sure,” I said, not knowing what possessed me to respond to her at all, especially given her involvement with Evan. I dug around in my bag and found another pen and handed it to her. She blew her hair out of her face and gave me a timid smile. It never reached her eyes, and I thought that she looked incredibly sad.
“Thanks, Aubrey,” she whispered, turning back around in her seat. The entire exchange had lasted a whole thirty seconds, but it left me feeling strange.
I had a hard time focusing on the rest of the class. When April leaned over to return my pen, she thanked me sincerely. “I guess I need to be a little more prepared next time.” Her voice startled me again. It was pleasing to listen to. Soft but with a slight rasp. She had been mute the entire time I had facilitated the support group. Even during that one, terrible run-in at Compulsion, she had never uttered a single word, letting her boyfriend do the
talking for them both.
I slowly reached out and took the pen from her, tucking it back into my bag. “I didn’t know you were in the counseling program,” I said, not able to help my curiosity about what she was doing in this particular class . . . with me. It felt like too much of a coincidence, given Evan’s threats only weeks before.
April got to her feet and slung a tattered purse over her shoulder. She seemed to be unwilling to make eye contact, choosing to look over my shoulder instead. Her dark hair, which had remnants of purple dye at the tips, looked tangled and slightly unkempt. She gave off the little-girl-lost vibe; not your typical student.
“I’m not. I needed to take some extra classes to fill in the semester and this looked sort of interesting,” she mumbled, and I wasn’t sure I entirely believed her.
“Okay, then. Well, see ya later,” I said, not wanting to prolong any sort of interaction between us. I walked out of the classroom and felt her presence behind me as I left the building.
As I left I saw Evan sitting on the steps, obviously waiting for his girlfriend. He looked up as I walked toward him, and his hateful sneer froze my blood. “Hey, Aubrey,” he said, saying my name like a curse. I looked away, not responding. I heard him laugh, and apprehension curdled inside me.
When I met up with Brooks for our usual morning coffee the next day, I was not in the best mood.
“I recognize that look,” Brooks said, pointing his finger at my face.
I batted his hand away and scowled. “What look? And play nice,” I warned.
Brooks chuckled and held the door open for me. The Coffee Jerk was crowded, which was typical for a weekday. Everyone was looking for the required caffeine to get through the day.
“The look that says you didn’t sleep enough, so tread carefully,” Brooks quipped, getting in line.
“I guess that’s accurate,” I conceded. I was starting to forget what a good night’s sleep felt like.
Brooks slung his arm around my shoulders. “Do I need to come over tonight and make you a cup of chamomile tea and tuck you in?” he cooed sarcastically.
I elbowed him in the gut and he dropped his arm. I smiled at him in a way that was more a baring of teeth. We continued to edge toward the counter. Brooks was talking about a research paper and I half listened. I was tired. I was irritable. And I needed my coffee.
And then I saw him.
Maxx stood behind the counter in a brown Coffee Jerk T-shirt, manning the industrial-sized espresso machine and looking harried.
Why did he have to start working at the only place in town that makes coffee the way that I like?
I was irrationally annoyed. But then I felt a smidgen of something else. Joy? Because at least Maxx was working. He had a job that paid him legal, honest money. He was trying.
My jaw hardened and I instantly stepped out of line and exited the coffee shop without another word. Brooks came after me with a confused look on his face. He had obviously not noticed the new barista on duty.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, and I only shook my head, not wanting to get into it. Not now when I was feeling edgy.
“Nothing, I just realized I needed to get to class early,” I lied, feeling marginally guilty for not telling Brooks the truth.
“Oh, okay. Well, I guess I’ll just see you later, then,” Brooks said, still looking bewildered. I forced a smile and nodded, hurrying to class.
Later in the day I had yet to meet my caffeine quota and things were getting scary. I had practically yelled at the girl sitting in front of me in statistics when she had asked for a pencil.
I knocked over a TA as he came through the door with an armful of papers. I had been charging ahead, full of piss and vinegar and with no attention to those walking around me.
By the end of the day I was a twisty mess of irritation not fit for human company.
Knowing I needed a coffee shot stat, I decided to chance a return trip to the Coffee Jerk. I hoped and prayed that Maxx’s shift would be over by now. I was relieved when I entered and didn’t see him behind the counter. I gave my order to the girl who wasn’t my ex-boyfriend and felt myself relax once I sat in a booth near the back, finally getting my coffee fix.
“Hey,” a deep voice said to my left.
The universe hates me, I thought drolly, quickly followed by a firm, Don’t look up, Aubrey!
I looked up.
Of course I did.
I was nothing if not consistent when it came to Maxx.
“Hey,” I muttered, my mouth turning down at the sight of Maxx, still in his work uniform. His blond hair was disheveled and he looked tired.
“Can I sit down?” he asked, indicating the empty seat across from me.
“It’s a free country, isn’t it?”
Maxx’s jaw stiffened as he slid into the booth opposite me. We sat in awkward silence. I would have laughed at our discomfort if I were in a laughing mood.
“How’s the coffee?” he asked, indicating my now almost-empty mug.
“Coffeelike,” I replied shortly, swallowing the last gulp of my beverage.
“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you,” Maxx said, frowning.
This time I did laugh. But it wasn’t because I found his remark particularly funny.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Is my standoffishness a problem for you?” I asked, my words icy cold.
Maxx cleared his throat. “That’s not what I meant,” he said softly.
“Well, you can’t expect anything from me, Maxx. You just can’t,” I told him truthfully.
I thought about Renee and Devon in the alleyway outside of our building and felt frigid inside. I looked at the man responsible for my own heartache and felt a hardening inside.
“I know that you think you have to stay away from me because I hurt you. I know you’re trying to build a life without me. But I also know that the only life worth living is the one we can have together.”
He slowly reached across the table and took my hand between his palms and held it.
“I know what you look like when you love. And it’s right here. In your eyes. On your mouth. I look at you and know, without a doubt, that you feel the same way I do.” Maxx ran his thumb along my bottom lip, and I jerked back.
I felt my face flush and pulled my hand from his restraining grasp.
“I’ve got to go,” I muttered, getting to my feet.
“Will you come in tomorrow? I’m working. I can buy you a coffee. I know how much you need your caffeine in the morning,” Maxx said, sounding a little desperate.
I pulled my book bag up onto my shoulder. I wouldn’t look at him.
It would be too easy to give in. I should start avoiding this place. I should ignore him and leave before I did something stupid. So what do I do? I give him the answer that I know I shouldn’t. I found myself saying, “I come in every morning, Maxx. So I guess I’ll see you then.”
I’m not caving, I told myself. I’m just telling him the truth. I do come in for coffee every morning. It didn’t mean anything.
Maxx’s smile was as bright as if I had offered him the moon.
“Okay, well, I’ll see you then.”
It didn’t mean anything! I yelled to myself over and over again.
What a lie. With Maxx, it meant everything.
chapter
eighteen
maxx
lately, talking to Aubrey felt a lot like banging my head against the wall. I was getting nowhere . . . fast. Didn’t she see how much I was attempting to change?
I tried not to get frustrated, because I saw in her eyes how much she still loved me. But being kept at arm’s length was maddening when the connection between us was still as intense as ever.
I hated working at the coffee shop. The pay sucked and the hours were even worse.
Working at the stables was a little better. Sure, shoveling shit for ten dollars an hour wasn’t the best use of my time, but I got to be outdoors and no one really bothered me. I put my feelings aside
because working my ass off was for a greater purpose. These were all steps in proving myself.
“You’re a hard worker, Maxx. I have to say that I’m impressed,” Mr. Wyatt said, watching me as I cleaned out one of the stalls.
I had gone straight from my shift at the coffee shop to the stables. I didn’t have time to change, so I was still wearing the brown T-shirt from earlier. I would have had time to run home and put on different clothes if I hadn’t stayed to talk to Aubrey.
Well, I had stayed only to be rejected by Aubrey. Again.
It was becoming a sad, pathetic pattern. “Thanks,” I grunted, lifting a shovel full of hay and manure and dumping it in a wheelbarrow. Mr. Wyatt patted a pretty gray horse named Harvey and inclined his head toward me. “Have you ever ridden a horse?” he asked.
“Sure,” I lied. I had never been on a horse in my life.
“Well, if you ever want to ride one of our beauties, come on out. You’re always welcome,” he said with a final pat on Harvey’s neck. Mr. Wyatt was a gruff fellow but he seemed decent. I knew that the offer wasn’t made lightly.
“Thanks, Mr. Wyatt. Maybe I will,” I said, wiping sweat off my forehead, knowing I left a smear of dirt behind.
“These guys could use the exercise. You’d be helping me out,” Mr. Wyatt continued, seeming embarrassed by his kindness.
“Of course,” I agreed, not letting on to the fact that I knew the old guy actually liked me. Mr. Wyatt reached into his pocket and pulled out some cash. “Here’s your first week’s pay. I don’t do checks.”
I took the money. “Thanks,” I said genuinely.
Mr. Wyatt nodded and left. I quickly counted the money and felt my stomach drop. It was only $250. I couldn’t pay bills and buy food with this meager amount. I was working my ass off and barely surviving. I left work feeling completely disheartened.
I walked into my apartment twenty minutes later and flipped the light switch, relieved when the lights turned on. I wasn’t sure how long I’d get by without paying my electricity bill before they cut my power. I collapsed onto the couch and let out a long, agonized breath. I needed to do something. I had to find a way to make some money.
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