“Auntie Marseille!”
Two sets of hazel eyes appeared on the threshold of the back porch, and Marseille exhaled in relief.
The twins were awake, saving the discussion from growing more heated.
She extended her arms for her brother’s three-year-old children to run and eyed her husband warningly.
“Well isn’t that convenient,” Jude said, caustically. “Saved from having to answer to anything as always. Ironically, look who came to your rescue.”
Marseille hugged the small bodies to her chest and suppressed another wave of tears from falling to her cheeks.
Is this how it’s supposed to be? Is this what marriage is like for everyone or are my hang-ups keeping us from being truly happy?
It was something she would have to discuss with Dr. Rainier the following week, but she already knew what the shrink would say; she had to let go of the past if she wanted to move on with the future.
He was drunk, and there was nothing Marseille could do to stop him from consuming more alcohol as the night progressed.
The arrival of the twins had kept everyone in moderate line for a time, but when it was once again time for them to go to bed, Marseille knew it was her cue to gather her husband and head back to their home.
I shouldn’t have allowed the family to attack him. They always do, and it’s not fair to him, not when Jude is trying to hard to provide for us.
“We should get going home too,” Marseille told her family when the children had gone to sleep.
“No!” Pat and Joel protested in unison. “You can’t leave yet.”
“I told you that Jude has to work tomorrow,” Marseille replied firmly. “He needs his sleep.”
There was a general look of contrition upon their faces as they turned to Jude who had grown sullener as the night progressed.
“We can stay, Mars,” he muttered, and she was filled with a shame so great, she wanted to smack herself.
Why do you put him through this? He’s done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment from your family or from you.
“No,” she said softly. “No, we’re going home. Come on Jude.”
He gazed at her with bloodshot eyes and she extended her hand.
“Wait!” Joel called as Jude rose. “I – you never told us what the new job is.”
Jude eyed his father-in-law warily and then looked at his wife.
Marseille nodded encouragingly.
“I’m working for the casino in Nashua. A blackjack dealer.”
The Hempsley family seemed to blink in unison.
“The casino?” Joel echoed. “With your military background, Jude…”
“It doesn’t mean shit!” he snapped and Marseille knew he didn’t mean to sound as angry as he did but it had been an ongoing struggle since being discharged from the army.
“It’s a good job,” Mars interjected quickly. “Benefits, the money is good, and it will allow me the opportunity to go back to school for my nursing degree.”
Joel pursed his lips and exchanged a look with his wife, but they wisely said nothing.
More consternation filled Marseille as she saw the look of shame and defeat fill her husband’s eyes.
I can’t watch this anymore, she thought, making an impulsive decision to put a smile on Jude’s face for the first time that night.
“We have other news,” Marseille announced and she watched at all eyes focused on her.
She turned to Jude and squeezed his hand lovingly, offering him a small smile.
“Jude and I have decided that it’s time to start a family.”
There was a shocked silence which seemed to hang over the backyard, and Marseille’s smile froze on her face as she willed them to say the right thing.
Joel was the first to recover, and he rushed forward.
“You’re pregnant?” he gasped, hugging her. “Congratulations!”
Mars shook her head quickly, the words filling her head with dizziness.
“No, not yet,” she replied, casting her husband a shy look. His expression was indecipherable, and for a moment, she wasn’t sure if she had done the right thing. All she knew was that she wanted him to lose the pained look on his face.
“Oh thank God,” Drew muttered in a tone which he thought was under his breath but everyone heard.
Marseille turned to glare at him, but inwardly, she was thinking the same thing.
She simply did not want Jude’s baby, and she didn’t know why not.
Chapter Two
He propped himself up on one arm and stared at his wife asleep beside him, a combination of emotions coursing through him.
They had spent the night making love after returning from Marseille’s parents’ house, but Jude could feel the distance between them.
He would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit it had always been there but he had hoped the years would lessen the gap.
I knew it would be an uphill battle, but it was supposed to be a battle I could win. Because I always win.
He wondered how much of what Mars had said to her family she meant.
Did she tell them we’re trying to get pregnant because she’s changed her mind or because she took pity on me?
Either answer filled him with anger. If she had changed her mind, why could she not have just said so when they were discussing it earlier? It was more likely that she was trying to keep the peace as always, telling him what he wanted to hear.
Marseille had always disliked conflict, but she was no pushover. If she was, she would have borne him children already.
At first, it had been the argument of wanting to save enough money to buy a house, and after he had managed to buy a house for them, she suddenly decided she wanted that her career as a personal support worker wasn’t good enough and she needed to become a registered nurse.
There was always a reason against having a baby, but Jude knew what was really happening; she had never been sure of their union, not from the minute they had started dating.
Dr. Rainier had told him that reluctance to accept change was common in those situations, but Jude was running out of patience.
Mars is clinging to something that will never happen. I have to talk to the doctor about moving things along. Maybe he can prescribe her some happy pills or something. She needs something to get over this stupid fixation she’s suffering.
Jude admitted that if Marseille was willing to have a child, finally, it would be a step in the right direction.
“Jude?” Marseille whispered, blinking as she slowly woke. “Do you have to leave for work now?”
He nodded, brushing a tendril of hair from her forehead.
“Yeah, babe. I just wanted to watch you sleep for a few minutes before I left.”
She smiled softly, her face heavy with sleep.
“I can pretend to go back to sleep,” she replied. “Or I can get up and make you some coffee.”
“Both options are good with me,” he laughed, leaning in to kiss her gently on the lips.
Marseille nodded and stretched.
“I’ll make the coffee,” she replied, sitting up but before she could move, Jude was overcome with a deep love for her, and he seized her, pinning her back onto the bed.
He straddled her, and she grinned up at him.
“You’re going to be late,” she told him. “But if you want to have a quickie, who am I to stop you?”
He shook his head.
“No,” he said tenderly, his lips finding hers again. “Not a quickie.”
She peered at him curiously, her golden-brown eyes wide with interest.
“What’s going on, Jude?”
He sighed and laid down at her side, pulling her close to his large frame. She seemed so small against his muscular body, and he inhaled the scent of her honey shampoo. The aftermath of her perfume lingered on lines of her skin and Jude was thrown back to a time when he had not felt so insecure, a time when he was a cocksure soldier who would stop at nothing to win.
“I love
you, Mars,” he told her huskily. “I have always loved you.”
There was a slight pause.
“I love you too, Jude,” she answered quietly, but there was a shift in her tone.
The moment had passed, and he felt himself grow tense, knowing exactly what she was thinking about.
“I have to go,” he said gruffly, untangling himself from his wife.
“Jude –“
“Never mind the coffee,” he told her curtly. “I’m late. I’ll stop on the way to Nashua.”
She didn’t answer, and he didn’t look at her again as he dressed.
Leaving the room, he could not resist glancing at her.
Marseille had sunk back against the pillows, her lids closed but even in the dim light of the room, he could see the shiny streak of a single tear slipping down her cheek.
Why is she crying? What does she want for? What the hell else can I give her?
But Jude knew the answer all to well, and she wanted something he could never give her, something no one could.
He was eternally consumed with a slow burning fire which would eventually become a full-fledged conflagration if Marseille continued to feed it.
She needs to tread carefully before I snap.
He walked slowly down the stairs and let Marcus out the back door into their small yard before turning to the coffee maker.
He was not late for his first day at the casino, not even close, but he could not deal with Marseille in her melancholy.
One day it will get better, he told himself again, and he realized that somehow, he had gained River Cortez’s cockeyed optimism.
The thought sent shivers through his body. As if an unseen hand was pushing his head, he turned to look at the wedding photo on the buffet in the dining room. It was the same one Marseille had been looking at the previous afternoon.
It had fallen so he could not see the picture and Jude rose slowly to right it.
As he picked it up, he saw that the glass had splintered, marring the image grotesquely.
Swallowing nervously, he turned to put it back quickly.
I don’t have time to deal with this right now, he thought. Mars will fix it when she wakes up.
But as Jude let Marcus back into the house, he could not shake the feeling that someone was watching him.
Not this again, he thought, forcing himself to be rational. Nothing is watching you.
Nothing except his own guilty conscious perhaps.
While Jude would never admit it to his wife, he loathed his life outside of the military.
After being discharged, he had drifted from menial job to menial job.
“Why didn’t you stay in the army?” Marseille asked him, perplexed that he seemed happier bouncing from place to place. It had been an early strain on their marriage but how could Jude tell her the truth?
“I never wanted a career in the army,” Jude lied. “It was something I had to do to support our country, but I want to find something else to do with my life.”
“Well, find something,” Marseille told him in exasperation. “Because we’re drowning in debt here, Jude.”
There had been office gigs and retail stores. He was a used car salesman and a telemarketer.
But nothing had stuck, and each day which passed put Jude further into the hole he had dug for himself. Marseille was supporting them, working long hours as a PSW.
I’m a failure, he thought. No wonder she doesn’t want to start a family with me.
It went much deeper than that and Jude knew that he had fallen into a classic case of “be careful what you wish for.”
He had everything he wanted – on paper. The reality was much grimmer, and there was no reprieve.
Except for absolution, that voice whispered. You must tell the truth. The truth
will set you free.
Jude loathed that voice.
Over the years since he had left the army, he had managed to drown it out. First with alcohol, then anti-depressants, then a combination of both.
It wasn’t until he met Norah that he began to feel like a man again and his nagging subconscious replaced one guilt with another.
He pulled his tie off from around his neck and peered at himself in the bathroom mirror.
He had survived his first shift as a blackjack dealer, and it had gone better than he had expected.
I must have made three hundred dollars in tips, he thought, his fingers closing in on the wad of cash in his dress pant’s pocket.
It was going to make his relationship with Norah much easier to hide going forward. Marseille would have no idea how much money he was making in cash.
No more creative accounting necessary, he realized, pulling his face close to the glass. I can buy things for Norah without using Mars’ money, and she’ll have no idea.
He was beginning to see the signs of age on his face, but the rugged handsomeness was going nowhere.
His eyes were still a bright, intelligent blue although he felt as if the years had dimmed their intensity.
There was not a single strand of white in his fine, dark blonde hair but as he stared at his forehead, he saw the start of slight wrinkles, betraying his age.
I must have something going for me, he thought smugly, sitting back as the bathroom door opened. Women still want me.
As if hearing his inner thoughts, his cell chimed from within his pocket, and Jude pulled it out.
Norah.
He washed his hands hurriedly and stepped out of the bathroom into the bustling casino.
It was midday, and the place was packed with tourists and locals alike.
Who are these pathetic losers who come here to waste their money like this in the middle of a Monday afternoon? He wondered callously, eyeing the customers with contempt.
Idly, he glanced at a slot machine, tempted to play just one quarter, but as he reached into his pants for a change, his phone chimed again.
This time it was Marseille.
He glanced at the time on his phone and added three hours.
<5> He typed.
He shoved the phone back in his pocket and made his way out to the parking lot, trying to remember where he had parked the Camry.
The casino was huge, built in competition with the nearby River Casino.
There truly are no shortage of suckers in the world.
It was hard to believe that New Hampshire would house so many gamblers but it was hardly Jude’s position to judge; after all, he was three hundred dollars richer working a day shift.
And that’s only in tips. I have a paycheck to look forward to also.
There had been a method to his madness applying for the job at Carlingview Casino.
Norah’s apartment was halfway between Nashua and Manchester in Merrimack. It meant that Jude could see his mistress often and without overthinking it.
He had been dating Norah Artwood for over six months, and it had suddenly become more difficult keeping his lies straight with both Marseille and Norah.
He had taken on a policy of calling them both “babe” lest he mixes up their names and be caught.
Norah did not know about his wife and his wife obviously had no idea about his girlfriend, two facts Jude intended to keep as such.
As he drove toward Norah’s home, he wondered if he was making a mistake.
Marseille is the only woman you have ever wanted, he thought, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel.
A fleeting glimpse of another girl, one who looked like a young version of Marseille slipped through his mind like a ghost and was gone before he could acknowledge it.
Corey doesn’t count.
He had no intention of ever letting Mars go, not after what he had done to keep her.
<
br /> But Norah made him feel like a man.
She was a wildcat in bed, and she stroked his ego incessantly.
Jude knew she was in love with him and he liked the way she made him feel.
But she is not Marseille and never could be.
He pulled up along the back of the apartment complex and parked in the visitor’s parking.
Norah had just given him a key to her place the previous week, including a fob to the entranceway.
I don’t know how I’ve managed to hold off having her come to my place for so long; he thought wryly as he waited for the elevator. He wondered if Norah suspected he was married all along.
No way, he concluded as the doors opened on the eleventh floor. Something tells me she is the jealous type.
He thought of the few times they had gone out in Merrimack, and she had spent the night sending scathing looks to any woman who dared look in his direction. There was no way Norah would accept sharing him with another woman.
He tried not to think what would happen if Norah ever learned about Marseille.
Marseille would divorce me in a heartbeat, he thought, swallowing the bile which came with the realization. She would just need one reason to alleviate her own guilt, and that would be it.
He would never give her that reason.
The door to Norah’s apartment was unlocked, and he walked inside, unannounced.
The slender blonde was nowhere in sight as he walked toward the living room.
Suddenly he heard steps behind him, but before he could turn, a blindfold slipped over his eyes.
“I have been waiting for you forever,” she whispered in his ear, and although Jude could not see her face, he could hear the pout in her voice.
“Sorry, baby,” he replied. “Duty calls.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she replied, taking his hand and leading him down the hallway toward the bedrooms. “You’re here now.”
Recognizing the steps, he realized that she was taking him into the spare bedroom, not the master and his brow rose in interest.
Norah was always filled with surprises, and he was always eager to be surprised.
Suddenly, he was sitting, and the chair beneath him was vibrating deliciously against his body.
“Oh, what is this?” he purred, relishing the massage on his tired body. He had been on his feet for hours and had not felt the exhaustion until that minute.
The Lost Seal: A Seal Romance Page 2
