He let go of him and walked away, giving him a bit of time, a bit of privacy. The fire was going but nobody was in the clearing. Riley dropped down on the log Brody always sat on, feeling relieved and exhausted at the same time. It took a long time for Brody to come out of the clearing, but he didn’t mind the waiting this time. Brody’s face looked calm, concerned maybe, when he finally joined him.
“Riley… What I tried to do with that stupid gun was me keeping my promise. I don’t think any of us are coming back whole from Crylo. You need to know that. I never expected to come back from there, and I was okay with it. And Trelix and Loren… I am not ordering them to do this with me; I could never order anyone to do that. They’ve asked to come, but they’re soldiers, so it’s different for them. If you still want to come, I won’t try to stop you. But we need to tell the others the truth. They deserve to know.”
He suspected as much already from his many conversations with Loren and Trelix, so this wasn’t really a surprise, but he wasn’t so sure the girls needed to know that. Didn’t think they would be okay with letting them go if they knew.
Brody seemed to have read his thoughts. “If I am to let you and Drake come with us, this is non-negotiable. We have to tell them,” he said and he left him sitting on the log and ran to the flier.
Riley heard the many footsteps on the steps, and steeled himself for what he was sure would be the worst night they’ve had here. Drake put a huge pot of whatever he made for tonight on the fire, stirring it with a giant stick, making the smells come out. It smelled of something sweet he couldn’t place. Ella served the stuff and passed the bowls around, and when everyone was settled, Brody got up and he didn’t think he’d be able to stomach whatever was in his bowl.
“I need to tell you all something. I’ll try to keep this short and to the point, but first, I’m sorry I put all of you through so much already. You didn’t ask for it, and I know my being here has been difficult for all of you. I’m sorry for that. Anyway… Ella filled me in on some things that most of you likely aren’t aware of. It seems Zoriner Councils trade their young girls who meet certain health specs to private repro-genetics clinics within the Alliance centers. They trade them to be hosts to Alliance babies, so those babies aren’t broken and can make other babies. That’s the short version. Ella can fill you in on the rest of it. What they did to Trina, they’re doing it to other girls. I want to help stop it somehow, even if only in one of those places. Drake and Riley volunteered to come with me and my crew”—Brody shook his head, swallowed hard, and looked directly at Riley—”I don’t think any of us will come back whole from it. The place is too big and too well guarded for that. I think you all deserve to know the truth, and you can figure out what to do with it. I’m not holding Drake or Riley to any promises. I am okay doing it with just my crew. Frankly, I’d prefer it.” He turned and walked away from the fire, leaving them be.
Laurel crouched in front of him after a while, looking at his face. “Is it true? What he just said, do you think he is right about that?”
He did, so he nodded. Couldn’t lie to her.
“Thank you.” And she left to go wherever Brody must have gone to. He hoped he’d be kinder to this girl now, not push her away like he’s been. Nobody else was talking. Ella and Drake sat there calmly eating their food, as if none of this concerned them at all, and he couldn’t see Ams anywhere. She must have gone to the flier when he wasn’t looking.
He found her curled up in one of the seats, a blanket pulled up to her chin though it wasn’t the least bit cold.
“Talk to me, Ams,” he asked softly, crouching in front of her.
She leaned in and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him in close, running her hands through his hair. He could feel her breathing. “I am coming with you, Riley.”
He stood up, staring at her. “You can’t, Ams. I won’t let you. I can’t take you with us for that, I just can’t.” He was shaking his head at her. He didn’t know how to explain to her that he was only okay with going because he’d know she’d be safe, that all of them would be safe.
“Riley, I am not asking. You don’t own me. You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do. How did it work out for you and Brody, keeping him a prisoner here like you did?”
He flinched as if she slapped him and put his head down.
“I won’t let you do that to me. I’m going with you. If I have to hide someplace on this flier or hitch a ride on the outside, I’ll find a way to do it, and I’ll likely be safer if you just let me.” She got up and without even looking at him ran back to the clearing, and he wished he never ran out to Brody when he did, wished he could get a replay on the last few weeks. He’d take a different route to whatever city they were going to then, and he wouldn’t have to worry so much about keeping everybody safe. Curse you, Brody, and your bloody revenge, only he knew it wasn’t just revenge for him, knew he was right to want to end what they were doing to these girls. He just wished he didn’t find himself in the middle of all of this when he had Ella and Ams and Laurel to worry about.
He watched the small group at the fire, chatting, as if nothing has changed, as if nobody was about to go into a heavily guarded Alliance metro, and he envied them the ability to not worry about things they couldn’t change.
He found Drake and took him aside.
“You need to talk some sense into Ams. She wants to come, and she won’t bloody listen to me. She doesn’t ever bloody listen to me. Please, talk to her.”
Drake smiled at him widely. “I did, Riley. I talked to her and to Ella, and they’re coming with us. All of them, I think. I haven’t seen Laurel yet – she took off after Brody, but the other two already decided they’re coming. Nothing we can do to stop them. But we can help them stay safe if we take a few days to teach them to shoot and use a knife or something, so they can at least defend themselves a little bit.” And he had the gall to smile at him while he said it.
Riley hit him, couldn’t stop hitting him, throwing useless punches into the giant’s chest.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you let Ella go with you, to Crylo of all places? Are you bloody trying to get her killed? I won’t let you, Drake. You can’t take her with us, you just can’t!” He dropped his hands. There was no point, he knew that.
Drake grabbed his face and leaned in close. “I love Ella with all my heart. More than I ever loved anybody. More than I ever thought I could love anybody, but I love her for who she is. You need to learn to do that, and fast, by the looks of it. It’ll kill me if I can’t keep her safe, it’ll completely destroy me, but I won’t ever presume to ask her not to make her own choices. Don’t ever ask me to do that to someone I love.”
And after all the anger left him he finally knew why Brody was so hurt, and why everybody he tried to protect was pushing him away. He was trying to protect himself this whole time, and he felt every shade of stupid for not realizing this before, when Ams still talked to him in the way she used to, not her new, angry way, and when Brody still trusted him enough to take him at his word. Trusted him enough to never put a slave band on his wrists.
17
Fragile
Amelia, May 20, 2236, The Woods Outside Waller
He looked fragile when he woke her up, shaking her softly, telling her they had to talk. Riley wouldn’t look at her for the longest time, just kept putting sticks into the fire, trying to get it going enough. She hoped nothing new happened with him and Brody, though she hadn’t seen Brody at all after whatever happened between him and Laurel. She saw Laurel crying half the night last night, but she wouldn’t talk to her, wouldn’t talk to anybody, but Laurel, too, was gone now. Something else then. She waited, and finally grabbed his hand and made him stop throwing sticks in and sit down next to her.
“You woke me up to talk, Riley, so talk,” she said softly, she hoped.
“I know, Ams. I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to say it yet.” His head was down, not looking at her, making her fee
l on edge.
“I’m going back to sleep, if you can’t just spit it out.” She got up, looking at him. He didn’t move. And she was suddenly really worried something terrible happened, somebody died kind of terrible, Trina terrible. She crouched in front of him and put her hands on his face. It felt hard against her hands, and hot, as if he had a fever. “Riley… Whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise I won’t get angry at you.”
And he did then, in one long stream. Told her everything he did that he never felt the wrongness in until after talking to Drake the night before, and then thinking about all of it since, about what he did to her and to Brody, and even Laurel. How he was trying so hard to protect everybody, to keep them safe, that he didn’t once think about what it was doing to them, and that in the end, he was just trying to make sure he never lost anybody again, and that it made him feel like a selfish asshole, and he wouldn’t blame any of them for not wanting to trust him ever again. How he was pretty sure Brody never would trust him after what he did to him, wouldn’t ever forgive him for it. And how he knew now that he has been unfair to her this whole time, in the way he was with her….
He looked at her finally, eyes serious and sad, and took her hands away from his face, gently. “I won’t try to stop you from coming to Crylo with us, Ams, or anything else you want to do ever again, I swear. And I’ll keep you safe if I can, if you let me… If you still want me to. But I don’t think you should be with me anymore.” He stood, keeping his head down, hands behind his back, not looking at her.
She took the small step to him and wrapped her hands around his neck, trying to get him to look at her, but he wouldn’t move. She never saw him like this before and it scared her. She put her hands in his hair, running her fingers through the waves, softly, not saying anything to him. He was breathing hard, and she was pretty sure she was hurting him, not comforting him, but he still didn’t move. He could have run or walked away if he needed to. She almost wished he had, so she could have some time to try to figure this out, but by now she knew he wouldn’t. She could lie to him and tell him that he didn’t do anything to make her angry; that she was okay with him telling her what she could and couldn’t do, as if he did own her, but that would be unfair to him too. She couldn’t ever lie to him, they made that promise a long time ago. No more secrets.
“I really need you to look at me, Riley. You owe me that much if you’re going to try to break up with me.”
He looked at her, finally, and she couldn’t take it for another moment, the hurt on his face. She reached up on her toes and kissed him, softly. She felt him flinch, but he still didn’t move away, and his hands were still firmly behind his back, and she knew what he was doing then. That he would let her do whatever she thought she needed to do to let him go, to be okay with letting him go. She could hit him or kiss him and any of it would hurt him now, and he would let her, for as long as she needed to. Riley, punishing himself for not being as bloody good as he wanted to be. Punishing himself for what he did to Brody. And she was finally angry at him, angry enough to want to hit him.
He must have read it in her face. His head went down a little and he took a small step back. “Go ahead, Ams.” His voice was quiet, strained.
But she couldn’t hit him. That would make it too easy for him, and she didn’t want this to be easy. “I am not going to hit you. But I will tell you what I think, and you are going to let me, and you’re going to look at me.”
He did, unblinking.
“I think you’re still being a selfish asshole. You’re pushing me away to protect yourself, you just don’t see it. You’re doing what I tried to do to you when I thought there was something wrong with me for kicking Keller like that. That’s what you’re doing, only you think you’re being noble and decent, but you are not. There is nothing noble in this. You don’t get to walk away from people who care about you because you feel like shit for something you did to them. Not unless you are a bloody coward, and I never pinned you for one before.” She watched his face, flushed now as if she did hit him.
“Are you done, Ams?” he asked very quietly, and she could feel the rage in his voice, knew him well enough to feel that by now.
“No, Riley. Not done. What you did to me is nowhere near as bad as what you did to Brody, and I know you know that. But you’re taking all your guilt out on me. If you want him to forgive you, then bloody talk to him, and maybe he will. Maybe he already has. But this, what you’re doing, it’s wrong, Riley. It’s not fair to either of us, because it’s all based on a lie. I know I don’t own you any more than you own me and I would never presume to tell you what you can and can’t do. If you need to walk away from me, then do that, but it’ll be you walking away, not me. I won’t do that for you.” She took a small step towards him and he froze. She didn’t even get a chance to touch him. He looked so hurt, she felt bad for saying all of this, but he needed to hear it. And she knew she meant it, all of it. She wasn’t trying to hurt him.
“I won’t touch you if you can’t bear it, Riley. And I am sorry for hurting you, I really am, but I can’t have any secrets with us. Even if we’re not together after this, I won’t ever lie to you… I’m done now.”
He nodded, turned around, and run into the woods, not even on a trail, and after a while, she heard strange, thumping sounds coming out of there, as if he were punching trees. And suddenly she could picture him doing just that, punching trees with his bare hands, probably breaking his hands on them. She couldn’t help going after him, hoping she could find him in the darkness. She did, by the awful sounds that made her flinch every time she heard one.
He was standing in a tiny clearing, his back to her, not hearing her come in, and punching a giant tree that wasn’t a birch, hard, over and over again, not even stopping to breathe. She ran up to him and threw her arms around his back, pulling him away from it, and he didn’t fight her, but he wouldn’t look at her either, hands in fists at his sides, and she couldn’t see what he did to them in the dark. She walked him back to the fire, and he let her, and she could see it all then, his bloody knuckles sticking out, skin torn in too many places, him not looking at any of it, staring at the flames.
“Please, don’t move, Riley. I’ll be right back,” she whispered and ran to the flier to get the medkit.
He was sitting just as she left him when she got back, bloodied hands still in fists, staring at the fire, not watching her. She put the kettle on to heat up some water, not saying anything, not quite knowing what to say to him now. She just wanted to fix the pain, even if she couldn’t fix anything else.
She crouched in front of him and took his hands gently by the wrists. “I need to get all the dirt and tree stuff out first.” She put them into a bowl of steaming hot water, knowing it was hurting him, but he didn’t flinch, didn’t move at all, while she picked out all the pieces of dirt and wood splinters, watching the water turn pink. She looked at his hands, clean now, still bleeding hard. “I have to stitch some of this up, Riley.” She looked up at his face, trying to make him look at her.
He shook his head. Some of the holes he made were definitely too deep to heal on their own. She made him look at his hands, and he was still shaking his head at her. He had to see that she needed to do this. It didn’t make any sense for him to not let her, and after what he just did to himself, she knew it wasn’t the pain of a few stitches.
“Riley, I have to, or it’s not going to heal,” she said softly.
“I don’t want it to heal, Ams.” He put his head down, his hands shaking in hers.
She let his hands go then and pulled his head into her chest, pressing him against her with everything she had. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise you I’m not, not unless you really want me to, and I don’t think you do. But you do need to figure out you and Brody, so it’s not killing you like this; so you can live with yourself. You did hurt him worse than I ever saw anyone hurt before, but that boy loves you. I think he’s already forgiven you for all of it, only you wouldn’t kn
ow it because you are too scared to ask him, and I can’t help you with that… And he is not in the flier, so you can’t do anything about it now anyway.
“Please, let me stitch you up, and we can maybe catch what little sleep we have left. I plan on putting lots and lots of holes into trees with those guns you are all so fond of tomorrow, and I’d rather be awake enough for it, so I don’t accidentally shoot somebody.”
Riley put his hands out in front of him after a while, closed his eyes, and didn’t move or saying anything after that.
He let her walk him to the flier afterward, still not saying a word, and she went to sleep in the seat next to his, with her head on his chest, his bandaged hand around her shoulder, and she could tell he stayed up for a long time just looking at her, could feel him watching her. And when she came down to the fire the next morning, he and Brody were gone, and she hoped that whatever it was Riley was telling him would make it alright for them in the end, hoped that Brody wouldn’t punish him for it as much as Riley did last night.
That Brody was as good as Laurel and Ella and Drake thought he was, Riley good, even if he didn’t know it.
Alliance: The Complete Series (A Dystopian YA Box Set Books 1-5): Dystopian Sci Fi Thriller Page 31
