She felt his arms around her, just holding her, the way he did when there wasn’t anything he could say that wouldn’t sound shallow. They stayed silent for a long time and she wasn’t crying anymore, but not feeling any relief from all the water she’d spilled.
Telan stepped back from her, watching her face, his eyes full of that strange light in them. She’d loved those eyes on him since the first time she saw him, liked looking at them, watching the way the light made them look different.
She reached up on her toes and put her face close to his, looking up at him. She heard him take a sharp breath, but there was no fear in his eyes, and he didn’t move or look away from her, and she couldn’t help it then, couldn’t help putting her lips to his. He kissed her back, ever so softly, not touching her beyond that, not closing his eyes, and she felt a strange ache in her, making her feel flushed everywhere, making her warm. She stepped back not looking at his face now, embarrassed.
“Don’t,” Telan whispered and lifted her face by the chin. “Don’t hide from me.”
She looked up at him and there was nothing kid-like in the way he was looking at her, his eyes serious.
“I won’t hurt you, Selena, I swear to you, but you shouldn’t kiss me again if it embarrasses you. I am okay with us just being friends, but I can’t do this, not unless we’re not hiding from each other,” he said very quietly, took a step back, and lowered his head as if he expected her to hit him.
She blushed, couldn’t help it, and forced herself to walk up to him. She put her hand on his cheek, Telan lifting his face to her, watching her, and she could see the fear on him now. “You look scared, Telan…. More scared than I’ve ever seen you,” she whispered.
He dropped his eyes for a flash, blanching, and then looked at her again. “I am scared,” he said in a shaky voice, breathing hard, but not moving away from her. And she couldn’t do it then, couldn’t kiss him or touch him again, not if he was afraid.
She walked away from him and slid down the tree, keeping her eyes trained on the blades of grass at her feet. “Someday, when you are not afraid anymore, tell me, if you can, if you still want to then.”
“All right,” his soft voice reached her after a small moment. “Can you please look at me?”
She did, and he was crouching in front of her, his eyes on hers and full of the strange light in them again. “I am scared, but it’s not what you think. I am afraid of wanting to not ever stop kissing you or touching you and it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know why it does either, but I never did like anybody before, so I don’t know what any of this is supposed to feel like.” He stood, offering her his hand, lifting her, letting go of her as soon as she was standing.
“I need to get back. Walk with me?” he asked softly, and she nodded, not saying a word to this strange boy the whole way back.
He smiled at her before running into the building he was training in, and she smiled back, a small smile, the ones that have become a habit between them a long time ago. She stood outside the doors for a long time, still feeling his soft lips on hers, and the tension in him that made her want to press closer to him, only she didn’t dare do that, and she knew then that she, too, was afraid of it, afraid of wanting things she didn’t know yet, afraid of the not knowing. And for the first time, she wished she had a girlfriend she could talk to about this, someone who’d kissed a boy before, someone who could tell her if it was supposed to feel so strange to do it.
She took her time walking back to where Ams was and thought that maybe she could ask her all these things, only it felt wrong to bother her with something so small. But maybe someday, she could. She trusted her not to lie to her for some reason, knew that she would just tell her how it was.
She was awake when she walked into the room, her eyes darting towards her for a flash and then closing again.
She sat next to her not saying a word, hoping that maybe she’d talk to her, and when she couldn’t take it anymore, she asked her, point-blank, what it was supposed to feel like to kiss someone for the first time.
The woman smiled, her whole face changing with it, and looked at her, “It’s the scariest thing in the world, Selena, no matter what anybody tells you. Scarier than dying, just different…. The kind of scary you want to keep doing, and you don’t know why, and it hurts you everywhere inside, but you’d do anything to do it again. I don’t know how to explain it beyond that, but it’s the best worst thing in the world.”
She got up and knelt by her, hugging her with everything she had. “Thank you, Amelia,” she whispered, beaming at her, feeling unbroken for the first time since what happened with Trevor.
And she hoped Telan would be okay with doing it again, wouldn’t be as afraid of it, whatever time it took for him to get there.
5
The Endangered
Riley, August 28, 2244, Reston.
Riley stood as the door opened and Eryn came out. The guard put his hand on the man’s arm, stopping him. Riley took the few steps to him and waited, something in his face unnerving him.
“Can you walk me back, Riley? Alone? I can’t very well run with my hands tied behind my back and I’m sure you have enough weapons on you to shoot me if I tried. I need to talk to you, is what I am saying.”
He nodded and dismissed the guard.
The council building was only a few blocks away, but Eryn stopped as soon as they were out of the med building, asking to please walk through the back streets if it wasn’t too much trouble. They walked to the back alley, Eryn looking around as he walked. He finally stopped and leaned against one of the old brick walls. They were alone. Riley watched him, not saying anything for a few long moments, but the man didn’t move, just stood leaning on the wall, keeping his head down.
“Spill it. You asked for this, so bloody talk,” he snapped at him.
Eryn finally looked at him. “Did you know that for centuries, people fought to protect any animal that was thought to be facing extinction? Once something became rare enough, the governments made laws that made it illegal to harm whatever bird or animal it was, so that the population has a chance to recover?” he asked, without any humor in his voice.
He didn’t know that, didn’t see how it mattered, so he shook his head.
Eryn nodded. “The wood storks, those, especially, fascinated me. I’m pretty sure they are all gone now. They were these great white birds with ugly faces. Their beaks looked like they were made of rotted wood, hence the name…. Anyway, they’d always nest in the worst places, tops of old electrical poles and the like, but nobody could touch them, because there were so few of them left. I remember thinking how strange it was that people wanted to protect these, of all things. You see, there were dozens of different varieties of storks at the time, none of them as ugly as the wood storks, and yet, they felt it was worth it to preserve them anyway.” He stopped, watching him, not saying anything more for a while.
He was quickly losing patience with this strange lecture on ugly birds and was about to snap at him to keep going when he spoke again.
“There are fewer than thirty million of us left, Riley, is why I’m telling you this. And only a tiny percentage of the females of reproductive age are capable of actually procreating. There are over two hundred million of you with over seventy percent of your females being able to produce offspring. I’ve studied and researched this to death, and the way I see it, we have maybe two generations left. I don’t buy into Zoriners being inferior species, don’t think any of us do anymore. It’s simple math. I am telling you this so you have a better understanding of what it is you’re fighting. The people you hold hostage, they’re trying to save something precious to them from extinction, is all. It’s survival for them, nothing more. Anyway…. Your people who came in to talk to me told me you won’t torture your prisoners for information anymore. Admirable, if stupid. But with that development, I’d like for my trial to commence as soon as possible if you can make it happen. I know what I’ll be sentenced to. I won’
t make it drag on or make a scene. I don’t even need to be present for it. So do what you need to do with that, but you should know what you’re fighting, and that none of the people you’re holding are going to volunteer anything that’ll help you. They can’t.”
Riley took his gun out, the old one, and pointed it at the man’s chest. “I can put a bunch of holes in you to get you to talk and then tell everyone you tried to run. Maybe you’ll talk, maybe not. I’m okay with it either way.”
Eryn took a sharp breath and then turned around, his head touching the wall. “You’ll have to shoot me from the back for anyone to believe I was running,” he said quietly. “Go ahead then. I won’t talk, but it’ll likely make you feel better. Do it.”
And he couldn’t help himself, remembering this man holding Ams like that, slicing her throat, and he didn’t want to shoot him from the back, wanted him to see him do it, and he no longer cared about hiding it from anybody. He cut the tie at his hands and turned him around, grabbed his right hand by the wrist, and without any warning put a bullet through the palm of his hand, watching the redness spread from the singed hole in it. Eryn winced, but his eyes stared at him defiantly, and it unnerved him.
He grabbed his other hand, pressing the barrel against his palm. “Every other hole I put in you will hurt a lot more than that one, and there are plenty more places I can shoot you without you passing out on me from blood loss, or me needing to carry you. Still think you won’t talk?”
Eryn shook his head. “I can’t tell you anything else, no matter how many holes you put in me. In the same way your people couldn’t kill me when I had Amelia. In the grand scheme of things, my life doesn’t mean shit to anybody, and I have a very high tolerance for pain. So no, Riley, I won’t talk.”
He heard footsteps behind him and flicked the safety back on, spinning around. Six of Brody’s cadets were walking towards them. He snapped at them to leave, the boys stopping, but not moving beyond that.
“I am ordering you to get lost, boys,” he screamed at the one who appeared to be in charge, pointing the weapon at the kid.
The boy stared at him, surprised, and then nodded and motioned to his group, taking them out of the alley.
He turned to Eryn and told him to turn around and put his hands behind his back. He did, and he tied them harshly with biters, the man flinching as he did that. It felt good to know that he was in pain after all. The guard outside the cell ran to get him a medkit when he saw the blood but didn’t ask anything. Eryn turned away from him as soon as they were in his cell and didn’t say a word.
The guard was back with the kit, asking him if he needed a medic. He shook his head at him and sent him away. He cut the ties at Eryn’s wrists and pushed him to his cot, telling him to sit down. He did, hands relaxed at his sides, eyes on him. The hole in his hand looked smaller than he expected, but it was bleeding hard. He sprayed the wound with antiseptic and wrapped a bandage around it, pulling on it tightly. Eryn’s jaw was clenched hard, but he didn’t move, didn’t flinch again.
“Thank you,” he said, as soon as he was done. He stood up, turning away from him, and put his hands behind his back, the bandage showing traces of blood already. “You need to tie my hands,” Eryn said evenly.
He knew it would hurt him every time he moved if he tied them the way they were before. “Turn around. I’ll tie them in front of you.”
Eryn shook his head, not moving.
He tied them as he was then, not wanting to argue over this, not wanting to be here for any longer than he had to.
“About that trial, Riley, make it soon, if you can.” His voice was shaky for the first time, not adding up. It’s as if it were important to him to die as quickly as possible. He was hiding something.
Riley spun him around, staring into the calm blue-green eyes. “Why in such a rush to die?”
Eryn just looked at him, eyes unblinking, calm.
“Did you want to kill her?” he finally asked.
The man blanched, but still didn’t say anything, only his face wasn’t calm anymore. He seemed in pain.
Riley turned away from him again and he left the room after that, letting him be.
Ams wouldn’t talk to him still, wouldn’t even look at him when he went to see her. She lay there with her eyes closed, crying, and he didn’t dare touch her even to comfort her, not unless he was sure she’d be okay with it. He sat by her bed, feeling every shade of guilty at her crying like that, not knowing what to do or say to make it easier on her.
“I’m not angry at you, Ams,” he finally whispered, unable to tolerate these silences between them anymore, “I don’t know if I ever was. Would you please talk to me? Tell me what to do, if nothing else. Anything that’ll make it easier for you, I’ll do it.”
She opened her eyes and looked at him for the first time since she woke up, tears still running down her face. “Do you swear, Riley?”
He nodded.
“I need you to let me die. That would make it easier for me, for everybody. I didn’t mean to wake up, didn’t want to. I would very much like to go back to that.”
He didn’t see that coming. Stupid of him not to have. Ams closed her eyes again, her small hands gripping the sheets at her sides.
He knelt in front of her and took her hand in his, Ams not letting go of the fist she was making, but crying harder now that he was touching her. “I can’t do that. I’m sorry, I truly am,” he said softly, and squeezed her hand hard.
Wet gray eyes glared at him, angry. “Never thought I’d see the day you can’t keep your word,” she hissed and she turned her face away from him, not saying a word after that.
He found Ella in the lab running some tests. She didn’t say anything when he told her that Ams seemed to want to die, didn’t look at him either.
“It’s normal, Riley. She lost a child. It’ll take a long time for her to get over that,” she said softly.
He went back to the room and watched her sleep for hours, tentatively running his hand through the long waves of her hair, enjoying the feel of it under his fingers. He knew better than to hope she’d come back to him, didn’t dare even think about it yet, but it felt good to brush his hand over her hair like this, felt good to remember her as the girl he’d always known, the girl who saved him all those years ago.
Max agreed to hold the trial the next day, and they insisted on Eryn being there, as was their custom. He seemed much too calm when the guards brought him in. Max didn’t ask the guards to leave for this, didn’t even acknowledge them. He stood and asked Eryn if he denied any of what he was accused of, namely holding one of their people hostage, raping her, attempting to murder her, and causing her injury that resulted in the death of her child.
“No,” Eryn said quietly.
“Is there anything you’d like to add?” Max asked sharply.
“No.”
“We are obligated to take into consideration any mitigating factors, such as you being an enemy in a situation that may have warranted some of these actions if say our roles were reversed. I’d like you to consider a response to this, before we charge you,” Max asked, more calmly now.
“There isn’t anything,” Eryn said, still quietly.
Max had the guards take him out of the room then and faced the rest of them, all but Loren staring at him. Loren was looking down, tapping his fingers on the table.
“Do any of us believe he will tell us anything of value if we keep him a prisoner for a while longer?” Lancer asked, looking at him, and then the rest of them.
He had to tell them, he knew, so he did. Told them about the walk back from the med wing and what he did, and that he was convinced this man wouldn’t talk to them even if they could still torture him. He told them, too, that he seemed to want to die for his own reasons, for killing that baby maybe, and he choked on that, hiding his eyes from Lancer who was watching him with sadness in his eyes.
“All right,” Lancer said quietly. “We were all there, so we know he is guilty, watc
hed him bloody do it. The question is, what the hell do we do about him? Do we set up a firing squad against some unused wall in the city and invite the whole town to watch, so it serves as a deterrent? Only from what? He wasn’t one of us when he did what he did. He is an enemy we are fighting. So…. How do we treat our enemies for killing or injuring one of our own, is what I’m asking? We don’t have a precedent for this, other than Brandon letting Brody go when he didn’t need to…. And you letting me join you years ago when I was an enemy. I’m only bringing it up because what we do with him and the rest of their people will likely be how it would be for any of us, should we get captured. I want an independent recommendation from each of you.” He sat down, nobody saying a word for a long time after that.
They took out their screens, typing. He watched their faces for a while, and then pulled out his screen, thinking through everything Lancer just said. He wanted to see this man dead, but he knew Lancer was right. Knew that if they executed any of them, their people would likely face the same fate. He was okay with it if it were him who was captured, but he wasn’t okay with condemning some young soldier to it, not over his own need for revenge. He handed his screen to Lancer and left the room.
Eryn was leaning on the wall when he came out, his eyes closed. He paced up and down the long hallway, finally stopping in front of him.
Eryn looked at him and shook his head. “Let me guess. They think the Eagles will retaliate if you kill me?” he asked in a voice forecasting disappointment.
He nodded, and suddenly the man laughed an open, loud laugh. “You really don’t understand who you are fighting at all…. No wonder you haven’t done much beyond a few useless rescue missions. I am a pawn, you bloody idiots, and being a boy pawn, easily replaceable. They don’t need but my sperm and they already have that. From all the boys. I thought you knew that,” he said, and closed his eyes again.
Alliance: The Complete Series (A Dystopian YA Box Set Books 1-5): Dystopian Sci Fi Thriller Page 78
