by Love Belvin
“Oh, it’s even worse than him.”
“Zoey, you’re scaring me! Who?”
“Stenton Rogers.” The tears I’d been swallowing all week nearly surfaced at the mention of his name.
Karen sat back in the sofa and covered her mouth, looking identical to Aunt Jenny. Jeez! I’d aged this girl in a matter of seconds.
“Was it his stature?” She lolled her head in disbelief. “Ang said that he’s even better looking in person than on television. Even I didn’t think that was possible. Did you get caught up in all of that, one thing led to another and you gave him your virginity? I could understand that slipup, you know?”
I shook my head throughout much of her assessment, knowing where she was going with it. “It was more than that, KK. He told me he loved me.”
“Well, Zo, you know that’s not uncommon for men when they want something. And then with him sensing you were the good girl you are, I’m sure he went even further with his persuasion.” She shook her head, suddenly angered. “So, it’s taken all this time for you to get over a fling from a year ago. I see now, Zo.”
I continued shaking my head. “No, KK. We just ended things a week ago. He dropped me off at home and just broke things off for no—” I could go no further or else I’d cry.
I was so confused as to the cause of him ending our friendship. When I thought it was for another woman, I learned I was wrong. Two days after he dropped me off, I went to Stenton’s Facebook profile and saw that he had set it to a picture of me in Cayman the morning after our tattoo excursion. It was taken from behind me. I was naked with just a loose sheet covering my bare breasts, but not my back. My hair was a messy display against my back and shoulders. My posterior was exposed all the way down to the top of my cheeks, revealing such intimacy between Stenton and the woman in the picture. Me.
The caption underneath read: The moment you meet your perception of perfection is the moment you’ll never be the same. I didn’t understand the meaning of that as it pertained to me. The picture got over four thousand likes on his personal page where he had as many friends. How he was able to keep that account from the general public, I didn’t know, especially because he didn’t go through lengths to hide his identity. His friends knew who he was. Stenton didn’t post this intimate picture of me to his fan page where he had millions of followers.
I didn’t know he’d taken the picture, but remembered feeling so full and freshly conceptualized about my life after getting inked with him. I looked down at my ring finger covered with a plain wide metal band so that I didn’t have to explain it to my parents yet. Couldn’t deal with that and a broken heart. It also wasn’t something I was prepared to share with Karen. But I couldn’t help but wonder when he’d posted the picture. That led me to question when he planned on breaking up with me in relation to posting it. I didn’t know how long it had been there.
“Well, sometimes they can splurge on their lovers. I mean, it’s really no inconvenience; you’re staying in the same room. I mean, really. He’s just a jerk, Zo.”
Still shaking my head, I shared, “I’ve been to two of his homes. He bought me a brand new BMW.”
“Is it outside?” In a millisecond, she leaped to her feet and faced the door.
I shook my head.
“Did that punk take it back?”
“No. It’s parked at my school where I don’t have to worry about anyone bothering it or my parents finding out.”
“Oh! So, this was serious!” she mused as she took her seat.
Again, I nodded.
There was a long pause, I’m sure Karen was trying to process the gamut of information I’d just laid on her. I was still fighting to make sense of it now that I’d spoken it out loud. Then Karen shot from her seat and headed out of the room.
“You cannot whisper a word to Ang, Karen!”
Karen halted in her tracks. “Are you kidding me?” She gave me a sharp gaze. “I’m about to feed those limbs of yours so we can restore your energy for prayer.”
“Been there, done that,” I mumbled.
“When two are gathered in my name, Zo! You know the scripture. You gonna need a backup warrior to deal with that Angela. Until then, my lips are sealed…outside of touching and agreeing with you.”
In that moment, I couldn’t say I felt better, but I did feel like the load was light after having shared it with someone who loved and respected me.
~~~~~~~~~~
July 2007
“Ohhhh! We so killed it tonight!” Bernard bellowed as he jumped out of the door, at the rear of the church. “Come Sunday morning, folks are going to be dropping to the floor to get their deliverances. Gloraaay!”
Karen laughed hard as she held her belly. She was right behind him and in front of me. Bernard could be funny when he wanted to. Nothing moved that boy more than music. He lived for it. Whenever a new gospel song broke the airwaves, he’d jump to rehearsal to teach it to our choir and execute it the following Sunday. Tonight was no different.
What was out of the ordinary was the fancy Lamborghini parked just outside the door. The lengthy figure leaning against it with his legs crossed was unexpected, too. Just behind the sports car was a conspicuous black SUV with all tinted windows. Right away, I knew that was his security, or armor as he referred to it.
My mouth went dry at the sight of him in army fatigue cargo shorts, a simple yellow tee and sneakers just as fancy as his sports car.
Stenton’s impassive eyes assessed me, then went to Karen. But it was when they landed on Bernard that I’d seen an emotion. He was angry. He pushed up from the car and stood tall—as if he could appear any lengthier. His biceps flexed beneath his tatted sleeve and his jaw followed suit. I swallowed hard.
“Holy mother of Joseph!” Karen whispered, clearly entranced.
That woke me out of mine. But I still couldn’t think to speak. As crazy as it sounds, I hadn’t counted on ever seeing him again, much less outside of my church.
“Can I talk to you, Zoey?” His eyes darted over to Bernard. “Alone.”
“I’ll wait here for you,” Bernard murmured, undoubtedly star-struck, but exposing his blustering ego along with Stenton’s.
“What do you want to do, Zo?” Karen asked, attempting rationale.
Stenton approached us and my heartbeat increased with each step.
“You must be Karen. I’m Stenton. Congrats on your recent nuptials and new baby. Zoey shared his pictures. He’s a gorgeous little guy.” Stenton extended his hand.
Karen obliged with an ashen face. “Y-you know my name…seen my baby? Holy mother of Joseph!”
Stenton snorted. “Of course. Zoey was proud to become an auntie to him.”
My body steeled at him recounting my sharing of my elation when I’d first met Karen’s bundle of joy. How could he present himself as an intimate friend of mine after dramatically and coldly creating a wedge between us? It was torturing.
Karen blushed herself red. “Oh!” she yelped, regaining her faculties, I’d assumed. “This is our friend, Bernard.”
Stenton turned to Bernard, narrowed his eyes and angled his head. “I don’t recall Zoey ever mentioning you.”
Bernard’s mouth went agape. He didn’t seem to have a response to that. Neither did I.
“Did you drive?” Stenton asked.
My eyes fluttered as I shook my head, still overcome by his all-consuming presence. “No.”
“Karen, I’ll give Zoey a lift.” Stenton looked directly at Karen, assuming I’d driven with her.
“Zo, your mom is expecting me to drop you off safely tonight,” Bernard sheepishly asserted.
He was embellishing. I didn’t know what his motive was and simply hoped it was to give me an out in case I didn’t want to retreat with one of the biggest names in sports.
“I’ll make sure Sarah’s wishes are carried out.” Stenton extended his hand to reach for me.
“Zo, if you want to come back to my place, you’re more than welcome,” Kare
n offered, I was sure she was trying to dispel the illusion of Bernard and me having more than we did. I was grateful for her wit, because I was rendered witless in Stenton’s presence.
I couldn’t resist him if I wanted to. There was no way I should have gone with him considering how raw and vulnerable I was. However, no matter his audacity, I couldn’t repel him. After all, he didn’t exactly seem to be well adjusted himself.
I took his hand and he walked me over to his car. I heard Karen’s goodbyes behind me. From over my shoulder, I saw them walk over to their respective cars. When they pulled out of the parking lot I turned to Stenton, facing my pain.
“You’ve been staying with Karen?” He reached over and brushed his calloused thumb over the dark spot underneath my right eye. I winced at his touch. I didn’t know how to receive him, receive it.
I swallowed, fortifying myself. “I haven’t been home in a week. I couldn’t continue to have my mom see me like this.” My voice was suddenly raspy. That was what this man did to me.
“Why, Niña?” Stenton’s shaky tone spilled out.
His question and reference angered me. It made my soul cry again. My body quivered from my attempt to keep it together. I tried to conceal the anger.
“Because if she sees this, she’ll hate you!” I finally tapped into my feelings, caved into my misery. After a moment I was able to admit, “I don’t want my mother hating you. I’m not ready for that. If she hates you then maybe I will, too. And I’m not ready to hate you, Stenton. I’m not ready to move on from you. From us. And I feel like such a sappy princess for it. I almost detest myself for loving you!”
I lifted my eyes to control the water threatening to spill. When I raised my chin I saw Stenton shaking his head regrettably.
“There’s no need to hate yourself because of my stupid ass actions. It’s just—” His fist rose to his face and slammed into his mouth. “I just—” Again with the fist. “Zoey, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do this or…if it’s even fair for me to ask you to be with me at this delicate point in your life. I’ve never had to deal with someone as smart as you are and…loving and…so damn tender, Zo.” With his fists resting on either side of his hips, Stenton’s chin collapsed into his chest.
“Well, I don’t know what to say either. But what I do know is I’ve never felt pain…or loss the way that I have since Cayman. I’ve lost meaningful relationships…shoot, Angela isn’t speaking to me now. But this,” I place my hand over my heart. “…and this,” I shift both my hands to my belly. “…I’ve never felt physical pain like this before, Stenton. I don’t want this anymore.”
When his eyes landed onto my belly, Stenton heaved harshly and quickly shifted away in the other direction, brushing his hand roughly over the back of his neck, appearing embattled.
He didn’t turn back to me when he muttered, “I need you to come with me. I need you tonight.”
What?
Wait… “How did you even know I was here?”
Then Stenton turned and cracked a toothless, one-sided grin, resembling a bashful boy. “Facebook. You said you were starving in the back pew at choir rehearsal.”
“Come on. I’ll feed you.” He delivered casually as he started his stride back to his car.
I nodded, still dazed.
What was I supposed to say? No. Absolutely not? Being a young and inexperienced, I had no wherewithal against the object my heart and body were instinctively and impulsively drawn to. It wasn’t a matter of trust that made my decision; it was a matter of need. I needed Stenton, too.
When Stenton didn’t hear from me, he turned back and closely regarded my face. I don’t know what it showed, but he correctly perceived my answer when he returned to me, took my hand and walked me over to the passenger door.
The ride was silent. I was trying to think of good phrases, sarcasm and wit to illustrate the pain I’d been in. I needed him to know and possibly feel it so that he would see only being with him could cure it. On our way up to his apartment, I kept my view at his feet. I couldn’t look directly into his handsome face because I’d weaken.
“You’re making that fucking sound again,” he growled as we ascended in the elevator.
Ugh! My throat! I had to get a hold of myself.
As we exited and sauntered to his door, I frantically rolled over in my mind what I would say. During the separation period, one of the millions of reasons I could think would be the reason he broke up with me is our age difference; perhaps he perceived me as immature. It would be an unpopular opinion, but a reason nonetheless. If this was correct, I needed to carefully gather my words. The last thing I wanted him to do was be reminded of his theory. My pulse raced in panic from the clock ticking. I was losing time.
When we stopped at the door I heard the clacking of the lock and knob. A tart film coated my mouth. The door opened and I followed the back of his colorful sneakers. The door slammed behind me, then I was being lifted into the air and my back collided with the wall. Stenton’s tongue was in my mouth and his big hot hands were all over my breasts, thighs and hips. When my legs were somehow secured around his narrow waist, Stenton sandwiched my head between his hands as if he was trying to prevent me from going anywhere.
His kiss stole my breath and in no time I was sparring with him. Though I’d kissed him countless times, this one was different. It was feral. Desperate. Unyielding. He sucked on my tongue with fraught hunger. Then I felt his erection press into my core as he grinded into me. I could do nothing but ride to feel friction. My sex gelled with desire and my leg muscles strengthened to pull him into me. Suddenly, I was reminded of what passion felt like, of what he did to me carnally.
Abruptly, Stenton pulled from me. “Zo,” his voice was gruff, revealing I wasn’t the only one caught up.
I kept grinding into him. “No!” I reached for his face again and all he allowed was a sucking peck.
“Zo, baby, someone is here.”
Huhn?
I turned first to the left. No one. Then to the right where I saw a handsome olive skinned man with beautifully laid dark hair and perfectly arched brows, standing awkwardly at the island, trying to suppress his laughter.
My neck snapped back to Stenton. “Who is that?”
“Remember I said I would feed you? This is Jimmy John, a friend of mine, who has come on short notice to cook Indian cuisine for you.”
My eyes raced in their sockets as I tried to gather myself.
“Do you want to eat now or later?” Stenton gave me a deep licentious gaze.
There was no way I’d muster the appetite to eat after that. I glanced over to Jimmy, who with a broad smile, lifted his hands defensively. Then I returned to Stenton whose eyes never left me, and mouthed, “Later.”
Without time to reconsider, Stenton called out, “Later, Jimmy! Keep that naan hot!” And we were on our way to his bedroom before a handsome Jimmy could reply.
~~~~~~~~~~
My frame trembled and my skin glistened from sweat. I was moaning beyond belief, begging Stenton to touch me again. To bring me to another release. My wrists were tied to my thighs, limiting my mobility, but it couldn’t stop my squirming. It was a new restraint device and just as the others before, I loved it. I enjoyed giving myself to Stenton for his direction in intimacy. It exposed another side to him; an aggressive one, so contrary to his ultimate approach to me.
“If you don’t stop, I’m going to tie your legs up, Niña!” Stenton stood at the foot of the bed, glaring down on me.
“Stent!” I cried out.
My legs were up in the air and my spine couldn’t remain still from my thrusting. My nipples were peaked and my clitoris throbbed as if he hadn’t just given me two earth-shattering orgasms with his talented mouth. But that wasn’t enough. I needed him buried deep, releasing me from deep within.
“It’s coming, baby. I just need to record what this looks like. Feels like it’s been too fucking long.”
Stenton’s skin was misted as w
ell. His tattoos came to life under the sweat beads. The tips of the barbed wire inked on his shoulders and upper chest appeared sharper in my hazed view. His appendage hung in the air, bouncing in small increments as he rolled on a condom. I was sure to dissolve at the image alone.
“Please!” I was out of breath, panting uncontrollably.
Stenton froze in place, struck with something internally.
“You still trust me after all I’ve put us through?”
“Implicitly!” A shiver ran through my spinal column. “Always, Stent. Please.” My cries were unabashed.
“Fuck, Zo! I missed you so much. You’re never afraid. Never make me feel fucked up about this shit I do to you.” Now Stenton’s tone was needy. He stood motionless and his voice was low, thick even. “You’ve fucked me up for life. I swear I can’t be with anyone else like this. Only you, Niña.” His voice darkened. “Please say that I’m the only one you’ll ever submit to. Never to another man like this.”
In the recesses of my mind, my sarcastic self was screaming, Walks like BDSM, talks like BDSM… But I knew that’s not what he meant. He wasn’t into that lifestyle exactly. What specifically he meant, I didn’t know, but would agree to anything to extinguish this burning need to have Stenton deep within. To connect with him in a way I never had with a man, or another human being. I’d agree to anything.
I found my head nodding emphatically. “Never! Only with you, Stenton.” I was resolute. “Forever your Niña.”
Whoosh!
That’s how the air left my lungs when Stenton dove on top of me and without warning, thrust into me, filling me to the hilt. I cried out in pleasure and pain at his fullness. His plunges were impatient. His touch was urgent. In no time, I recognized the pleasure he ensued on my inner walls. I was intoxicated with sensual sensations in no time.
With these restraints, I was still able to push up onto him, meeting him with my needs. Stenton felt incredible, erasing every trace of pain he’d caused with his sudden abandonment and larceny of my heart. While he plummeted, I reconnected with something that made me whole. Not only did I feel physical sensation that my body trembled from, but I could also feel emotional satiation that couldn’t be derived from any other form of communication. Once again, Stenton was performing his best. On top of me. Deep inside of me. Ignited something from deep within. My body tensed and mouth collapsed.
