Well, maybe if you took the stick out of your butt, you would have more friends.
In our fury, we had inched closer and closer together with each retort. I could smell the soft scent of his cologne and see the depth of his blue eyes as we stood catching our breath. His eyes broke away from mine as he looked down at my lips and moved closer.
Even in my fury, it took everything in my power to pull away from him and not give in to the magnetic force drawing us closer. His eyes returned to reality as I stepped back and looked at the ground.
When I looked back up, his eyes were full of regret and his mouth was open to say something. Quickly, I raised my hand and prevented him from saying anything else.
If that’s how we feel about one another, perhaps we shouldn’t even be friends.
Char—
Before he could finish my name, I began walking in the direction of my dorm. Tears began to stream down my face as I held back the sobs threatening to burst from my chest.
Of all the rejection in my life, the pain I felt hearing the echo of Ezra’s words nearly compared to my mom leaving. He had unknowingly used the fears and insecurities I always had about myself against me.
In my pride, I refused to look back at him. And in the raw honesty of my heart, I didn’t know what I feared most: that he was still watching me with those regretful blue eyes or that he had walked away.
Eight
Up until my mom left, my brother had always acted as my protector. He was the one boy in school I trusted, who accepted me for me.
Mason was two years older than me. While I had inherited my father’s brown hair and brown eyes, he had my mom’s blonde hair and green eyes. I had my dad’s blunt and independent personality and he was far more sociable and amicable toward all people.
No matter how much I tried to block him out of my mind or how many people I told I was an only child, memories of him continued to invade my dreams.
In my deepest sleep, my mind still takes me back to a sunny afternoon after school. Mason and I were riding our bikes home along the long country roads toward our farm. While his long legs made the task effortless for him, I struggled to keep up with his powerful pedaling.
He would take a pause in pedaling and coast along the flat road as my shorter legs burned in effort. His green eyes would find me behind him, his hands resting easily on his lap.
We’re almost home. Just a little bit longer.
It hurts, Mason. My legs aren’t as long or as strong as yours. Can we just take a break?
Sure. But we can’t wait too long. Mom’s expecting us anytime.
He stood with his legs straddling both sides of his bike while I sat in the grass by the side of the road. His green eyes scanned the road for approaching cars while I caught my breath.
Alright, I think I’m ready.
I swung my leg over the frame of the bike as he held the handlebars to keep it upright beside him. Patiently he waited for me to hop onto my seat and clumsily gain momentum.
There you go. You’re getting so much better, Lottie.
Yeah, I think I could beat you in a race.
Oh, how my juvenile mind dreamed of accomplishing the impossible. He smiled as he peddled beside me and looked up the road where our farm was now in sight.
Alright, I’ll race you to the farm. On three.
One.
My legs burned in anticipation of the race before me, my short brown hair blowing in the cool spring breeze.
Two.
He smiled as he watched me prepare myself, my hands gripping the handlebars and my feet repositioning on the pedals.
Three.
Never before had my legs moved so fast. The air rushed into my ears, deafening the sound of Mason’s tires beside me. He began pushing down on the pedals harder now, advancing a short distance in front of me.
You’ll never catch me!
Oh, yeah, watch me!
My little feet pushed as hard as they could on the pedals. Suddenly, my shoelace tangled with the pedal, causing me and the bike to come crashing down on the gravel road.
My cries deafened the wind around me as I clung to my bloodied knee. Then, Mason’s hands were on me, his green eyes spotting the blood running down my shin.
It’s okay, Lottie. I’ve got you.
He wrapped his arms under my legs and around my back, picking me up from the ground with all his might. Quickly, he started toward the house, whispering words of encouragement the entire way.
Shh, Lottie, I’m getting help. Just some soap and a couple bandages and you will be as good as new.
My head laid against his shoulder as I whimpered in pain. I remembered how proud I was to call him my brother that day and so many others. As he pushed the front door open with his foot, he called out to our mom and dad.
Immediately, Mom ran out of the kitchen with a dish towel in her hands. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a bun with soft tendrils falling around her ears.
What? What happened?
Mason explained the ill-fated events as my mom took me from his arms, worry painted across both their faces as she placed me on the sofa. She assessed my injury while Mason ran to get the first aid kit from the bathroom cabinet.
Oh, baby. You’re alright. I’m just going to clean it and cover it up so germs can’t get in.
It hurts, Mommy. Make it stop.
I know, Lottie. It will be better soon. Mama is here.
She tenderly pushed my hair from my face and kissed my forehead as Mason reentered the room. Quickly, she pulled out the hydrogen peroxide and bandages.
When she had the minor cuts cleaned and covered, she kissed her hand and gently grazed her fingers against the bandages. She smiled and threw her hands in the air excitedly.
See? All better! Now, I have some homemade chocolate chip cookies waiting in the kitchen. How about Mason goes and gets Dad from the barn so we can eat some together?
And, all of a sudden, my world was better. The offer of chocolate chip cookies cleaned the memory of my pain and sadness away. The four of us sat around the table with chocolate chip cookies and cold milk as Mason and I talked about each of our days at school.
So many other memories refused to be hidden in the recesses of my mind. The time Mason beat up the boy who kept calling me “nerd” on the playground or when he sent me a card and candy on Valentine’s Day so I wouldn’t feel left out.
He was always there for me, my protector, confidant, and partner in crime. I believed my brother was my hero who would never fail me.
No one could bring Mason down from the pedestal I had built for him. That is, until the day he left and brought my world crashing down.
And every time a bully would make me the butt of his jokes or I would fall from my bike, I would feel the absence of my hero. Why did he choose to leave with my mom? He never even said goodbye.
In the weeks following his departure, I waited by the window for their headlights to illuminate the driveway. The phone was by my side night and day as I awaited the phone call that never came.
Eventually, my heart hardened toward my brother. Instead of waiting for my hero to save me, I learned to stand up for myself. The bullies soon discovered that a new girl had emerged from her grief. I didn’t care what they thought about me or my books.
When I witnessed the blood falling from a scratched knee or elbow, I would pick myself up and get back on my bike. My life became an attempt to prove I didn’t need Mason or any other boy to be my hero. I was my own hero.
On the other hand, my dad did not seem to bounce back as quickly as I had. Though he tried to act like we were fine, I could see in his dark brown eyes the gaping hole my mom and brother had left behind.
So, in many ways, I became a hero to myself and my dad. At the age of eight, the weight of my father’s and my happiness sat on my tiny shoulders. I realized the worst part wasn’t my mom and brother abandoning us or that I lost my protector at school; it was seeing my dad without them.
The countless
nights he burned our dinner or the mornings I arrived at school late seemed to take a constant toll on him. But he remained strong and did his best to care for me despite the heavy grief that followed him everywhere.
I came to a realization early on in our struggles. I not only lost my brother and mom, but my dad lost his wife and son. To share his burden, I grew up, all while my peers were running lemonade stands.
Over the next four years, we shared duties of laundry, dishes, and shopping. We laughed, cried, and choked down mushy dinners together. We were all each other had now. It would be years before Cara came into our lives and filled the hole we had been trying desperately to fill since our family split.
But by the time she arrived, my heart had already hardened. My eight-year-old innocence had already been lost as I felt the need to take on the role of my missing family members. Many people may sympathize for the childhood that I lost but I don’t.
No, I gained an all-new outlook on life and love. You waste time waiting for a hero to come save you from the inherent difficulties of life. Life is hard and I could either wait for help that was never coming or learn to fight for myself.
And as for love, there was never a promise of permanence. The only things in life that anyone could depend on were heartache and death.
Nine
Sophie’s eyes were focused as she put the finishing touches on my makeup. Gold glitter, soft pink lip gloss, and winged eyeliner acted as the cherry on top of my angel costume.
My long, white chiffon dress and gold sandals were of course borrowed from Sophie, along with the array of gold jewelry which she had placed on me. She even went so far as to curl my hair, pin it up, and weave strands of gold in the braids running along the side of my head.
Wow, you really take Halloween seriously, Soph.
Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet. Wait until you see the party we’re going to tonight. I’ve heard their decorations are better than a haunted house.
I watched as she situated her costume over her shoulders where the red lace of her dress was ruffled. Since she had advised me to be an angel, Sophie made the only choice she thought made sense for her costume: a devil.
Dang, Soph! Nathan’s not going to know what to do with himself tonight. You look amazing in that dress!
Sophie did look amazing in the bright red, lacy bodycon dress. Her red lipstick and smoky eyes gave an edgy touch to her freshly straightened hair.
I really outdid myself this year, didn’t I?
She laughed as she winked at me, placing the devil horns on her head as her last accessory. I watched as she offered me a headband with a gold halo attached to its top.
Can’t forget your halo.
Sophie watched as I placed the halo on my head and looked in the mirror. She posed next to me and took a photo on her phone, laughing at my silly expression.
You ready to go? The guys are going to meet us there.
The guys?
Yeah, Nathan and Ezra. Why? What’s wrong?
Nothing. Just curious.
Before walking toward the door, she gave me a skeptical look out of the corner of her eye. After my fight with Ezra last week, I hadn’t admitted to Sophie what happened between us.
When I arrived back at the dorm, she was in the shower and Nathan was gone. Before she came out into the bedroom, I had changed into my pajamas and was hiding under the comforter on my bed. As she quietly got ready for bed as to not wake me, I muffled the sound of my sobs against my pillow.
For all she knew, I was still angry at him for flirting with another girl. Deep down, I knew she was still waiting for her moment to play matchmaker. She wouldn’t know why her scheming would inevitably fail or why Ezra and I would continue to avoid each other for the rest of our time here.
*****
The sound of music could be heard from down the street as Sophie and I walked up to the house. Fake spider webs, strobe lights, and a fog machine had been placed outside the entrance. The house itself had two stories, white siding, and columns staggered between the tall windows.
Wow. They were not kidding around with decorations.
I told you! Wait until you see the inside.
As we followed a group of people through the front door, the music became deafening. Different colored strobe lights were placed in every room of the house, ghosts and spiders hung from the ceiling, and jack-o-lanterns stared back at us from the staircase.
Sophie pulled me through the crowd in the direction of Nathan who was currently occupied with an intense game of beer pong. When he saw Sophie through the crowd, he dropped the ping pong ball in his hand and walked away from the table.
A chorus of booing ensued as the two began kissing in the middle of the crowd. When they separated, Nathan offered me a half hug and shake of the shoulders.
Since he and my roommate had become a package deal a couple months back, Nathan and I had created a closer relationship. In many ways, I understood why Sophie liked him so much; he was handsome, sweet, respectful, and fun to hang out with at parties or in the dorm.
I was losing that game anyway. What do you guys want to do?
Nathan yelled over the loud music at Sophie and me, the crowd of people dancing close around us. She gestured toward the drink table instead of yelling and he nodded. With their hands held and Sophie holding mine, we created a chain and weaved between the bouncing people.
Of course, all they had were stereotypical red plastic cups to fill with soda, beer, or an assortment of spirits. Fake, bloody hands and eyeballs littered the table along with bowls of pretzels and chips. While they chose beer, I settled for a soft drink.
Parties were not necessarily my kind of social outing so I had decided it would be best to stay sober. Sophie chugged her cup and grabbed my hands, jerking my arms in a sweeping motion to the beat of the song.
I laughed as she jumped up and down, failing to follow any kind of rhythm. Only Sophie would dance like this with or without the liquor. As Nathan talked to another guy in the corner of the room, he smiled at her goofy moves.
Dance! Dance!
She urged me to display my own dances moves as hers became more robotic with the electronic music now playing. To my surprise, my own robot dance moves were not horrible. Sophie laughed over the sound of the music as my facial expressions began corresponding with my unskilled movements.
She looked over at Nathan after the song ended, wiping the sweat which had already begun to form on her forehead in the heat of the crowd. Yet as her eyes found her target, her smile slowly faded before she turned quickly back to me.
The next song was still waiting to be played, leaving the sound of laughter and conversations as the only noise in the room. Looking for an explanation for her sudden change of mood, I glanced toward the corner where Nathan stood. The sight I discovered managed to erase my smile, too.
Nathan was no longer talking to the mummy wrapped in toilet paper. No, in the mummy’s place now stood Ezra and he was looking our way.
Don’t mind him. He’s been grumpy for like a whole week. Must have something stuck up his butt.
Yeah, maybe a stick.
Her smile was sympathetic as I shrugged my shoulders. So, what if he was here? I knew we couldn’t avoid one another forever. We would just have to learn to be in the same social groups but have no personal interactions.
The next song began and the entire crowd of people exploded with cheering at the popular tune. Sophie and I continued dancing until the heat of the crowded room was too much for us.
We both made our way to the less crowded corner where Nathan stood with Ezra.
Nathan, baby, why didn’t you come dance with me?
Oh, John wanted to talk to me and then Ezra came over. But I loved watching you from here, babe.
Ugh. They had been together two months and, if anything, their interactions were only getting more and more gross.
Come on! Just one dance! Please, baby, for me?
Oh, alright.
Charlo
tte? You want to come?
No, you guys go ahead. I’m going to catch my breath.
Nathan sat down his drink before being pulled into the crowd with Sophie. Suddenly, I remembered it was Ezra standing close by. I turned to find him watching me, his Superman t-shirt under a sports jacket anything but impressive.
Looking into his deep blue eyes only brought back the pain from the week before, a visceral tearing in my chest. Without another thought, I started to walk away from him into the other room. I made it into the kitchen before his hand caught my elbow.
As I spun around to face him, I was prepared to say the worst thoughts which had filled my mind in the week since our fight. But, when I saw the vulnerability and regret in his eyes, I stood still.
Charlotte, I need to talk to you.
The kitchen was far quieter, allowing me to hear his voice above the overwhelming beat of music in the next room.
I think we said all we needed to say last week.
He glanced around the room at the other students around us and then back down to me, lowering his voice in an attempt at privacy.
Can we talk alone? Maybe the backyard?
No. I have nothing else to say to you.
Come on, Charlotte. Can you just let me explain?
I glared up at him and then began walking back toward the room where Sophie and Nathan were dancing. Yet, before I reached the doorway, Wyatt nearly collided with me in his drunken stupor, his voice much louder than necessary in the quiet kitchen.
Charlotte! How’s it going? I’ve been dying to dance with you since I saw you in that tank top at the football game. Let’s go!
Though every part of my body rejected the chance to dance with him, it was Ezra’s watchful eyes that pushed me over the edge.
Yes, I would love to dance with you.
Alright! Come on! I love this song.
As Wyatt began pulling me toward the crowd of dancers, I felt another hand on my opposite arm. Ezra was behind me and he looked furious with Wyatt.
Charlotte, stop trying to prove a point. You don’t have to dance with this moron.
The Walls We Built Page 5
