The bitterness in her voice was jolting.
“You are all those things—”
“No. No I’m not.” She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her. After a few tense moments, she sank back against him, as if all the fight had gone out of her. She kept her voice low as she continued.
"A good girl wouldn’t have held on to that cheque for a month. The old Summer wouldn’t even consider what he had suggested, not for one moment.” She swallowed, pulled in a breath as if steadying herself. “But I thought about it every hour of every day for a month. And then Dustin died in a bar fight and I knew I wouldn’t be able to use that cheque after all.”
Lucas wanted to assure her she was wrong but sensed it was best to simply listen. To let her get this confession out.
“I hated him so much, I hated what he had done to me. Thinking about him made my skin crawl. And then to think that I was carrying his child. A child that had been conceived in violence and anger and revulsion. I felt violated after he had raped me, and I felt doubly violated carrying this baby.” Her voice broke again, and once again she clung to him for support. Lucas rocked her gently. He would be lying if he thought her words didn’t jar him, but he also understood, to a small degree, why she would feel this way.
“I’m sorry I’m not the girl you thought I was,” she said.
“You don’t need to be that girl.” Lucas struggled for the right words. He prayed as he spoke, hoping, somehow, God would find a way to use him to give her some comfort and strength. “We all move on, change, grow according to things we’ve dealt with. I saw things…did things…” He stopped, realizing that this moment wasn’t about him. “You have had to deal with something horrific and life changing. No one would come out of that the same. But you are pulling through.”
She was quiet for a moment, then laid her head back to look up at him, her tear-streaked face breaking his heart all over again. The agony she had gone through, the hard decision she had had to make. He understood it all now so much better.
“I was so relieved when I heard that Dustin had died and, of course, I felt guilty about that too.”
“You didn’t kill him,” Lucas told her. “No guilt is required.”
“I guess not, but there were times I wished him dead. I even prayed for it.”
“Again, not your fault. You didn’t manufacture the aneurism that he died from.”
Silence followed his statement. They sat together quietly for a long moment. He wanted to stay there but sensed from the way Summer was fidgeting that something else was on her mind.
So he said nothing, hoping she understood that he was giving her space.
She finally spoke up. “The story I’ve been giving everybody, about not wanting my child to be the child of a single mom, was partly true. I remember so many times I wished I had a dad. I remember sometimes wishing she would die so that Michael and I could move to the Tye ranch like you did. So we could have a complete family. It’s horrible to think about, and I know my mom did her best. But she was such a lost soul, and still is. Besides losing Michael, I don’t think she ever got over the fact that my father left her. That he didn’t want to acknowledge his children. And I was afraid I would be exactly like her. And I didn’t want that for this innocent child. But even worse than that, I was desperately afraid of how I would feel toward this child. A child I didn’t want. A child that would always be a reminder of the night I’ve spent the last eight months trying to erase from my memory. And that would be so completely unfair to him or her” She looked away from him, her hand resting on his chest, her eyes taking on a faraway look. “So that’s why I’m giving this baby up for adoption. I want to give this child chances I never had, I want to give it a family I never had. And I don’t want this child to be raised by someone who can’t love it as fully as it should be loved, because this baby couldn’t help how it was conceived. This child is innocent.”
Lucas struggled as she spoke, not sure if he should repeat what he had said previously. Because, to some degree, he understood why she would feel this way.
“And now I’ve got this wonderful family who is waiting for this baby. Family who will give it everything they possibly can and love it unconditionally. They won’t be reminded of…something horrible. This baby will just be an innocent child to them.”
Confusion spiraled through him followed by an anxious uncertainty. He wanted to repeat his offer. Tell her again that he would be willing to help her with this baby, give her the support and love she and the baby would need. He wanted to tell her that he cared deeply about her, that he cared about the choices she made, but at the same time he knew he had to be careful. Knew he couldn’t come across like he was imposing his hopes on her when she was dealing with such a deep, hard struggle. He wanted desperately for her to know that he wanted to be there for her.
No matter what she decided.
Then, before he could formulate what he wanted to say, a crash from next door made Summer sit up.
Misty jumped to her feet, whining.
“It’s Glenda,” Summer said, struggling to stand. “Something’s happened to her.”
Chapter 11
“Stay here. I’ll find out what happened.” Lucas jumped to his feet, ran to the door, and yanked it open.
Summer tried to follow, hoping, praying, that everything was okay. She should never have let Glenda talk her into leaving her alone.
She couldn't move fast enough. A pain gripped her, and she paused, catching her breath.
Please, Lord, was all she could manage as she clung to the doorjamb of the connecting door. She breathed, and thankfully, the pain subsided.
When she came into the kitchen, she saw Glenda looking down at Lucas who was picking some shards of glass off the floor.
“What happened? What’s going on?” she asked, breathless and unable to keep the note of panic out of her voice.
“I wanted a drink,” Glenda said as Lucas dropped the pieces into the garbage can under the sink. “But the glass slipped out of my fingers.”
“Why didn’t you wait for me?” Summer asked. She called Misty to come to her so she wouldn’t cut her paws on the glass.
The dog looked from her to Lucas and then trotted back to her side, sitting but watching Lucas intently.
“I was thirsty.” Glenda moved away from where Lucas was working, now mopping everything up with a wad of paper towels.
“And where’s your walker?” Summer asked.
Glenda waved off Summer’s questions. “I don’t need to use it all the time.”
“If you fall, you’ll undo all your hard work.” Summer couldn’t keep the shrill tone out of her voice.
And from the sharp look she got from Glenda, her client had heard it as well.
“I’m not a child. I know my limits,” Glenda said, frowning.
“I’m sorry. It’s just, I worry about you.”
A gentle smile erased Glenda’s frown. “No. I’m sorry. I’m just a little frustrated, that’s all.” She held Summer’s eyes, a question in hers.
Summer looked away, still spent from the emotions that had overwhelmed her. Still weak from the memories her talk with Lucas had resurrected.
“All done,” Lucas said, dropping the last of the paper towels in the garbage. “The glass didn’t splinter, so that’s a good thing. I’ll wait until it’s dry and check it again.”
“Thanks so much,” Glenda said giving Lucas a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry I interrupted you.”
Summer was sorry too, but at the same time it was a relief. She felt wrung out and worn out. Telling Lucas things she had never told anyone else had drained her emotionally and physically.
“I should go get that tea you made,” Lucas said, glancing at her. “We could all drink it together.”
She heard the note of hope in his voice, and while part of her would have loved to spend more time with him, she didn’t want to do so in front of Glenda.
“That’s okay,” Glenda said. “I think I�
��m going to lie down again.”
“What about supper?” Summer glanced at her watch. It was coming on to six o’clock.
“I’m not that hungry.”
Summer hesitated, but a headache that had been threatening was slowly making itself known. She wasn't sure if she needed food or rest. Or both.
“I’ll make some sandwiches,” she said, giving Glenda a warning look.
“No. Really. I’m fine. I think I want to go to bed.”
“It’s way too early for that,” Summer protested.
“Doesn’t matter. That’s what I want,” Glenda said, her tone showing Summer that she wasn’t going to be swayed.
Summer guessed Glenda was trying to give her and Lucas more time together, but right now she felt so wrung out she needed a retreat herself. “Okay. I’ll help you.”
“I can manage on my own,” Glenda said. “You know I’m feeling better.”
“That may be, but it’s still my job,” Summer said firmly.
“If this is about that glass I just dropped, that was just an accident.”
“It’s not about the glass.” Summer hoped Glenda would get the hint.
Glenda held her gaze a moment, then gave a quick nod of understanding. She turned back to Lucas. “Thanks so much for your help. I hope you didn’t cut yourself.”
“No, I’m fine.” Lucas stood with his hands on his hips, watching Summer. The intensity of his gaze made her feel both longing and apprehension. Her breath hitched in her throat, thinking about the moments they had just shared. There had been an intimacy she had never had with anyone else since him. A closeness and a connection that hearkened back to their old relationship.
And the questions and uncertainties his comments had created about the baby.
“Well, I hope you have a good evening,” Summer said. “After I help Glenda get ready for bed, I think I’ll lie down myself.”
He held her gaze for a beat and gave a slow nod of understanding.
“Of course,” he said. “But keep the door of your bedroom open. So the warmth of the fire can get into the room.”
“Thanks, I’ll do that.” She hesitated a moment, not ready to break the connection between them. But slowly the weariness that clawed at her won out.
“I’ll come in a couple times to feed the fire,” Lucas said. “So don’t worry if you hear me mucking around.”
Misty whined, and Lucas bent over to pet her. “You should probably go outside for a bit,” he said.
The two of them walked into the adjoining suite, and Lucas closed the door behind him.
“You don't need to help me,” Glenda said. “I’ll go get my walker and get myself to bed on my own. I will have to do it sooner or later.”
Summer hesitated, but she was so bone weary she knew it would take all of her energy just to get herself in bed.
“Go along,” Glenda said. “You’ve supervised me enough the last few nights, you know what I can and can’t do. I won’t do anything dumb. I’ve already filled my quota for the night.”
Summer released a light chuckle at that.
Glenda paused a moment, looking at her, a question in her eyes. “You do look tired. Did you clear things up between you and Lucas?”
Summer wasn’t sure what to say or how to describe what had just happened.
Glenda waved her hand in a self-deprecating gesture. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.”
“We talked,” Summer said. “I don’t think anything is completely resolved—”
“That never happens in one conversation,” Glenda said.
“Despite the fact that Lucas and I spoke about the past, I know there are things he still has to deal with when it comes to me. And that’s okay. You can’t rush the process.”
Glenda patted Summer on the shoulder. “I see you two together, and I see a good thing. And remember, he wasn’t supposed to be here while you were here. Maybe this was an opportunity that God is giving both of you to find your way back to each other again.”
“Thanks for that,” Summer said. “Please ring your bell if you change your mind about something to eat.”
“I will,” Glenda said. She turned and ambled into her bedroom, leaving the door slightly open behind her.
Summer waited a moment, trying to decide what to do. She needed to keep up her energy, so she made herself a ham sandwich and ate it at the counter, watching the candles flickering in the glass cups. Her head buzzed and she could hardly keep her eyes open. It wasn’t anywhere close to bedtime, but there seemed to be no point in staying up when she was so exhausted.
She rinsed off her dishes and set them to dry in the sink. Washed her hands and paused a moment, listening.
But all she heard was the relentless wind tossing snow against the windows. Shuddering, she pulled her sweater closer and walked to the bathroom.
As she got ready for bed, she couldn’t shut her brain down. Her mind skipped over the things she and Lucas had spoken of. The confession she had made to him. She had dreaded telling him so much, and yet, when it happened, she felt a measure of relief. Everything was out in the open. There were no more secrets between them.
However, she felt as if she wasn’t done yet.
She crawled into bed, lying on her side, her hand resting on her bulging stomach. The baby kicked, squirming in her womb.
“You just stay put little person,” Summer whispered, apprehension gripping her at the sound of the howling wind that had not abated in the past twenty-four hours. ”Please, Lord, keep us safe,” she prayed.
You’ve got three weeks to go, she told herself. In three weeks she would be in a hospital room giving birth to this baby while the future couple would be waiting for it.
But even as she told herself all this, disquiet hovered on the edges of her mind.
She closed her eyes against the second thoughts and the questions. She had to do this. She had made a promise. And she had to think of what was best for this baby. For the couple who so desperately wanted this child. Not herself.
* * *
Lucas fed the fire, setting an alarm on his watch for two hours. He would come and check it again.
He had just gone outside for another armful of wood that would hopefully hold through the night. The wood stove in his suite would not need to be fed as often, because it was airtight and burned more efficiently. Once again he was thankful for the option to at least keep the house warm. He didn’t know what they would have done if they didn’t have that.
Bad enough the electricity was off.
After Glenda and Summer had gone to bed he had found a couple of picnic coolers and put the food from the refrigerators and freezers in them and set them on the covered deck to keep the food from spoiling. Thankfully, the snow wasn’t too deep there.
Out the front, however, the snow was already piled two feet high and rising. If this kept up all night, he would have a real struggle to get more wood tomorrow morning.
He shot the beam of light from his flashlight inside the main house. All seemed well. The fire snapped in the fireplace, the spark screen drawn across it.
The darkness in the rest of the house was complete, as was the silence. No lights blinking on microwaves or stoves. No flashing lights on televisions or any other electronics. Outside the wind battered the house, the sound more ominous because of the heavy quiet inside.
Please, Lord, watch over us, he prayed, standing in the connecting doorway of the two homes, the responsibility of two semi-helpless women resting heavily on his shoulders. Please let the storm ease off.
He let Misty out, shining the flashlight into the darkness, illuminating the snow flying sideways. When she came back in he blew out the candles then turned away, walking to his bedroom, Misty trotting alongside him. He was glad for the company and even happier that he wouldn’t have to give her back.
And what are you going to do with a dog if you hit the road again?
Did he even want to anymore?
“So what do you think, gir
l?” he asked as he walked to the bathroom. “What am I supposed to do with all the stuff Summer told me?”
His head still spun, his mind a confusion of emotions. He didn’t know which one to deal with first. He wasn’t tired, after all, he’d only been up maybe seven hours. But there was little else to do, so he crawled into bed. Misty dropped to the floor beside him and heaved a canine sigh.
The darkness was utter and complete, leaving room for thoughts and imaginations.
Again he struggled with Summer’s confession. His fists clenched in anger at what she’d had to deal with and the violation she’d endured.
And he could do nothing about it.
What must she have thought when he offered to help her with the baby? Help her take care of this child?
Would she even be able to do that without being reminded of what happened?
The questions beat at him with the same insistence as the snow being hurled against the house. He tried to pray, tried to sort things out in his head and tried to find the center.
He knew what it was like to be abandoned, or to feel like he was. He knew that Kane, despite being adopted by the Tye family, still struggled with knowing that his mother hadn’t wanted him.
But now he was seeing another side of a different story, both Summer’s and Glenda’s. And now the solutions didn’t seem so simple.
He twisted to his side, lowering his hand to rest on Misty’s head. Create a connection with a living being.
Help me, Lord, was all he could pray. Help me to be a support to Summer no matter what she decides. Help me not to superimpose my idea of what is right and wrong on her.
It seemed the right thing to pray but even as he released his words to a loving God, he felt a resistance to his words.
Because despite wanting to support Summer in whatever decision she made, he had a gut feeling that her giving up the baby, no matter how good the home, wouldn’t ease the problems she wrestled with. Wouldn’t erase the demons that haunted her.
The Cowboy’s Return Page 17
