by Karis Walsh
Kassidy shook her head. “Don’t downplay your experiences because they were different from mine. I’m not going to say my life was easy when I was little, but the twins were always there for me, too. And once they were in school, I had more opportunities to take part in school activities. Not at your cutthroat level, though. I suppose I was more of a Dante when it came to sports.”
“A Dante is a good thing to be,” Paige said, feeling the unaccustomed sensation of being content. She had never been able to share like this, whether it was laughter or painful memories, and she didn’t want her time with Kassidy to end. She’d do her best to make sure it didn’t.
* * *
Kassidy parked her car in the driveway and shut off the ignition. Her earlier concerns had vanished, unable to withstand the force of Paige’s presence. She made Kassidy laugh and think and care too much to remain down for long.
Paige was leaving soon. The heartache Kassidy would surely feel once she left would be awful, but manageable, and was a price she was willing to pay for this time with her.
She had expected things to happen more quickly between them tonight, but Paige had seemed content to inch toward the bedroom, seemingly unconcerned by the time limit on their relationship. Kassidy couldn’t get the ticking clock out of her mind, both loving and hating it because it was the reason she was able to be with Paige. Relationships always had ends, people always left, but at least Kassidy knew precisely when it would happen. She could find some comfort in that.
She wanted more than comfort from Paige, though. They had been in nearly constant contact tonight, but only in delicate ways. Small touches, more intimate than those they had shared at the festival or on the farm, had permeated her skin until it felt like a shell of glass, ready to shatter at any moment. An ankle, a hand, fingertips…Paige could do amazing things to Kassidy’s body with only those innocent parts. Who knew what would happen once the rest of their bodies were involved.
They got out of the car and walked to Kassidy’s house without needing to discuss it. Kassidy opened the door, and once they got Dante and Kipper settled down, she took Paige’s hand and led her toward the bedroom.
“Wait,” Paige said. “Can we talk first?”
Kassidy sighed dramatically. “More waiting? We’ve been waiting all night.”
Paige laughed, clearly finding pleasure in Kassidy’s impatience. She sat on the couch and tugged Kassidy onto the cushions next to her.
“Okay. What do you want to talk about? If it’s something to do with a new idea you had for getting people to overrun my farm, then I’m going to send you back to the guest cottage.”
“It’s nothing to do with the farm,” Paige said. She held Kassidy’s hand gently in hers and used the other to play with Kassidy’s hair. “It’s about us.”
“Us?” Kassidy sighed, loving the sensation of Paige’s fingers in her hair and on her temples. Now on her neck. Even better. “I would think the bedroom would be the best place for that discussion.”
Paige shook her head. “I’ve had a couple job offers in the area, Kass. I might have a new client in Portland, too, but two of the farmers I’ve met while I’ve been here asked for my help with their businesses. I can help them on weekends, like we were doing, and go back to the city during the week. I know you’ll be busy with tourist season, but I thought you could get away for a night in Portland with me sometimes.”
Kassidy caught hold of Paige’s hand, which had continued on its meandering path and was tracing the open V at the neck of her shirt. Kassidy didn’t really want to stop Paige’s progression, but the touch was too distracting, and she needed to figure out what Paige was really saying.
“Wait, Paige. Are you talking about this being more than one night?”
“Well, yes. I thought…That’s not what you want?”
Was it? No. Kassidy stood up, as desperate to get distance as she had been to get close only moments before.
“I didn’t expect forever, Paige.”
Paige stood, too, but didn’t make a move to close the gap between them. “I’m not offering forever. I’m offering the possibility, the chance to find out how far we can go together. I thought you wanted me, too, for more than one night.” She rubbed her fingers through her hair, mussing it in the way that drove Kassidy mad with longing to touch it.
Paige walked a few steps away, and then came back, as if the emotions inside her couldn’t remain still.
“You know, I actually thought I was doing something you’d appreciate,” Paige said, with a forced laugh that wasn’t anything like her usual joyful one. “I wanted to reassure you. To let you know I had plans to stick around and be close to you because you meant more to me than a one-night stand. What do I mean to you, Kassidy?”
Kassidy closed her eyes. Paige meant everything to her. More than anyone should. Kassidy couldn’t trust herself to care this much about someone and still remain strong enough to survive when she eventually withdrew, physically or mentally. If Kassidy had cared less than this, she would have been thrilled to know Paige was interested in a real relationship. How could she explain what it was like to love someone too much to be with her?
She didn’t need to explain. She just needed to get back to the security of being alone.
“I’m sorry, Paige. All I wanted was this one night.”
Paige nodded, either unable or unwilling to say anything more. She called for Dante and left the house. Ten minutes later, when the Tercel started up and Paige left, Kassidy was still standing in the same spot, unable to move.
Chapter Nineteen
Paige walked into the foyer of Portland Connect, the city’s newest—and soon to be most successful, if she had any say in it—telecom service provider. The carpet was plush under her feet and the fixtures and upholstery were coordinated in bright silver and pale shades of blue. She had been watching the redecorating process with interest, especially since it had been her suggestion to do something different from the sea of green-logoed competitors, and this was the first time she was seeing the finished product. She thought it was perfect for the company because most of her proposal had been aimed at getting them to set themselves apart instead of trying to act, look, and do business like the more established, bigger corporations.
The transformation was nice, but certainly not on par with what Kassidy had done with her guest cottage. What could compete with the renovated garden shed where Paige had spent a fitful night dreaming about Kassidy and hoping the next night would find them tangled together on the pullout bed, with the Dutch doors wide open to the fragrant lavender fields?
Paige stopped for a moment, gathering herself together and banishing all thoughts of Kassidy out of her mind, or at least to the back corner of it, while she was doing her job. Kassidy never really left her thoughts completely, not when Paige was commuting, researching, or discussing plans with executives. Hopefully, one day Paige would look up at a clock and realize she had gone ten whole minutes without daydreaming about Kassidy. Then she could try for fifteen.
At this rate, when she turned fifty, she might be able to go an entire day without thinking of her.
She started walking again, smiling a greeting at the receptionist who was on the phone, and he waved her back to the conference room. She had been working with the company since leaving Kassidy and McMinnville behind, and she had already presented her proposal. Today was a chance for her to meet with upper-level management and catch up on their progress so far. Paige loved the job since everyone had been on board with the need for change right from the start. She found it refreshing to work with a new company, free from entrenched bad habits. She had managed to maneuver through the salary allotments and job descriptions until she was able to restructure personnel without needing to fire a single person. The work was pleasant and rewarding, and promised to be one of the highlights of her career in terms of increased revenue and client base.
And she would have traded all of it to be back at work on an eight-acre lavender farm wit
h a woman who was, at times, violently opposed to her ideas, and who fought her every step of the way.
Paige sighed and made one last effort to scoot Kassidy away from the forefront of her thoughts. It devolved into a shoving match, and Paige finally gave up and let Kassidy take center stage where she was best able to make Paige feel the ache of longing and the frustration of unmet desire. At least Paige was dressed in her usual work garb and had every hair in place. She would look composed on the outside, by God, no matter how off-kilter she felt inside.
* * *
Paige and Dante got back to her apartment where she stripped out of her business clothes and put on a pair of cargo shorts and a heathered gray T-shirt. He lounged on the couch next to her, chewing on a dog toy shaped like a rubber chicken, while she did some research for her most recent Willamette Valley client. A chocolatier. She would have paid for the chance to work on this project, with all its accompanying taste testing, but she was actually making money on the job.
She had been tempted to refuse the work she had been offered in McMinnville after Kassidy rejected her, but she had already given her word to the people involved. She had slipped in and out of town, sticking close to either her familiar winery-slash-bed-and-breakfast or the farms where she was working in an attempt to avoid any contact with Kassidy. She hadn’t seen Kassidy herself, but over the weeks following their last day together, she began to see the farm’s presence growing in the town. Window displays now featured her collaborative products complete with a newly designed Lavender Lane Farm logo on them. The rental broker had a photo advertising the guest cottage—Paige still thought of it as her cottage—along with rental rates far higher than she had anticipated. As much as she felt the humiliation of Kassidy’s withdrawal from her life, Paige blossomed inside with pride because Kassidy was taking care of her farm the way she needed to. And that meant Kassidy herself would be protected in the future.
She had intuitively changed her working style with Kassidy, partly because she wanted to hang out with her, but also because the unique nature of her farm demanded it. She had been adjusting her approach as she got more and more clients from the Willamette Valley—something Evie had scoffed at, and Paige had been certain she didn’t want. Now Leighton Consulting offered different plans for each customer. The corporate clients still got her professionally dressed self, along with continuing services for an extended restructuring period. With the local farmers and artisans, she took a more hands-on approach, like she had done with Kassidy. She came into the business and worked alongside the owners and staff, exploring the individual characteristics of the specific store or farm and making changes on the spot, cutting out the need for much involvement after the short time she was on-site.
And she loved every moment of it. Even the times, like now, when she got sidetracked by searching online for distracting things such as recipes for lavender truffles. Because of the quick turnover of jobs, she was almost constantly learning and exploring. She had felt more alive and creative when she had been working with Kassidy, and most of the feeling carried with her to these new jobs. She was able to commute to outlying Willamette Valley suburbs and towns on weekends and keep her bill-paying corporate work in Portland during the week.
She had designed this new type of life with Kassidy in mind, to give them time together, but Paige still felt she had found some sort of niche for herself, even though the discovery was lessened without Kassidy there to share in it.
Paige printed out a recipe using lavender oil and dark chocolate, complete with a photo of a candy with a tiny crystallized lavender bud on top. If Kassidy could invent some new variation on it, the confection would be a beautiful addition to her cookbook. She folded the picture and stuck it in her book on candy-making techniques. Maybe she’d send it to Kassidy anonymously, although she’d likely be the prime suspect. Or she could give it to Jessica next time she was in McMinnville and have her pass it along. It was a business item, after all, and not an embarrassing plea for a second chance.
Even though the flashes of inspiration connected to Kassidy’s farm made her uncomfortable because she couldn’t share them, the exploding sense of creativity she was feeling as she helped artisanal businesses find their distinctive markets was unexpected and heartwarming. She hadn’t seen the appeal before, being just as happy to shop at a big box store or mega-chain to get the products she needed and prices she had come to expect. She thought back to the time when Kassidy had jokingly called her an artiste, and how she had denied any connection between her work and creative expression. She had accepted those big box stores, with their bland and mass-produced selections, because she saw herself the same way. Nothing special, nothing unique. Jack-of-all-trades, without caring about any of them.
Thanks to her time with Kassidy, Paige was starting to see herself in a new light. The job she had fallen into because she didn’t know what else to do might just prove to be the calling she had never thought she’d hear. She was thankful for what she had learned on Kassidy’s farm. Gratitude didn’t keep her warm on lonely nights, but it was something.
Another lesson Kassidy had taught her was to have fun with her dog. The problem with recognizing all the effects Kassidy had on her life was that they made her even harder to forget. She was everywhere with Paige. At work, in her daily routines, and now in her newfound hobbies. She got off the couch and picked up Dante’s leash, and he ran over and sat obediently by the door. Then he started disobediently scratching it. Paige sighed. One step at a time. She hooked the leash onto his collar and grabbed her car keys out of the bowl on the way out.
Paige got them both into the car and started driving north, toward Vancouver. She had used the dog agility excuse as a reason to get Dante because the need to compete had been too ingrained in her to ignore. She had put off training him, though, because it was more enjoyable to play fetch or go for walks, without imposing the stress of winning trials and meets. She was slowly finding it less important to have a frenzy of activity in her life than to cultivate a few hobbies she did for their own sakes, and she had found out that training Dante didn’t have to turn into yet another high-stakes need to prove herself.
She hadn’t talked about her parents and their expectations to anyone before, preferring to claim she was hyperinvolved because of her personal drive and determination, but Kassidy had laughed her way through Paige’s claims of being a type A, cutthroat competitor. Paige had believed her own assertions until Kassidy called her out on them, pointing out how Paige hadn’t cared one iota whether she and Dante won the McMinnville agility class, or even whether they got through the course in the correct order. Paige had spent a lot of time since then having imaginary conversations with Kassidy in her mind about her upbringing. She had come back again and again to the question she had never asked, about why her parents hadn’t done those million activities themselves once Paige was no longer a baby and they had a good income coming in from their two jobs, rather than prodding her to do them.
In her mind, Kassidy turned the question around and aimed it at Paige, asking why she still felt the need to filter her life through their standards of approval when she was now an adult and able to make her own choices. Paige hadn’t been able to find an answer. She had been using her parents as a crutch to keep herself from exploring interests that meant something personal to her, even if she wasn’t particularly outstanding at them or if they didn’t offer a defined set of steps, achievements, and awards.
She parked in front of Crystal’s dog training school and captured Dante before he launched himself through the closed window of the car. This new venture was a case in point. She and Dante loved it even though they really did suck at it. There might be trophies to win in the sport, but if they wanted one, they’d need to buy it and pay to have it engraved because they weren’t going to earn one the old-fashioned way anytime soon.
“It’s my favorite student!” Crystal exclaimed when they came through the door, and Dante bolted toward her, dragging Paige along
with him. Crystal bent down to pet him before smiling up at Paige. She was pretty, with short red-gold hair and green eyes and a hint of the accent she had brought with her from Dublin when her family came to the States as a child. Paige had slowly been getting to know her, even though an image of Kassidy was always present in her thoughts, mocking her attempts to find someone new who could fill the void in her life. Still, Paige did her best to ignore any sarcastic comments in her head and concentrate on forming a bond with a woman without trying to hurry along to the sex and breakup highlights. She didn’t feel much of anything for Crystal except for an appreciation of her beauty and the occasional laughter Paige experienced in her company, but maybe a deeper attraction would develop over time.
Please. You wanted me the second you saw me.
Paige shook her head, trying to dislodge Kassidy’s voice and concentrate on what Crystal was saying.
“Let’s go through some of the basics, and then we’ll let him run through the course.”
Crystal had initially told her she expected her canine students to have their obedience skills firmly in place before they moved to the course and started working through the agility obstacles. She had eventually given in and allowed Paige and Dante to skip ahead even though they hadn’t mastered the basics. Paige had, at first, thought her willingness to give them special treatment was a sign of Crystal’s interest in her, but as the sessions went on she realized Crystal probably didn’t think Dante would get to see the agility course in the next decade if she didn’t make allowances for his lack of trainability.
Paige was determined to prove them both wrong, though. Both Crystal and Kassidy, whose shimmering laughter as she watched Dante at the fair still echoed through her head and her heart.
