Getting the Goods
Elizabeth Perry
Edited by
Raven Heidrich
Copyright © 2018 by Elizabeth Perry
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
To all of my readers, who anxiously await my next book. You guys are seriously the best!
Xoxo
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Epilogue
About the Author
Also by Elizabeth Perry
1
Gabriella
“Are you sure this is going to work?” I grab onto my best friend Maria’s arm, pulling her into the bathroom before hissing into her ear. “Because I just don’t see how…”
“Trust me.” She rolls her beautiful brown eyes at me before jerking her arm out of my grasp and placing her hands onto her hips.
“Have I ever let you down before?”
Famous last words.
While she hasn’t exactly let me down before, she has definitely helped me make some questionable choices.
Have you ever seen two best friends wearing matching hats with stupid logos?
Like, one will say, ‘I’ll bring the alcohol’ and the other will say, ‘I’ll bring the bad decisions.’
That’s us, in a nutshell.
Maria has been my best friend since she moved in next door to me when we were five.
She’s always come through with the alcohol and I’ve been the one leading us right into bad decisions.
Which of course, leads us to tonight, where I quite possibly might be making the worst decision yet.
I sigh.
“Alright. Let’s run through this one more time.”
“Fine.” She rolls her eyes. “But seriously, Gabs, it’s going to be easy. Bring that guy home, fuck his brains out, and then snatch the condom if he insists on wearing one.”
“Right.”
Sounds easy enough, right?
Ugh.
“Ok, but if he wears the condom, then what? I just hurry up and turkey baster it?”
“Well, yeah, but first, you’ve got to keep the sperm warm. Wrap the entire condom up in a tissue and then shove it in you vajay jay. Super simple.”
The stall to one of the bathroom’s opens, and a woman walks out, giving us both a disgusted look before heading to the sink.
Whoops. I probably should have made sure that the bathroom was clear before opening up my mouth.
Maria blinks once, and then proceeds to stare her down, pausing our entire conversation before opening up the door and motioning for the girl to exit.
She walks past us, probably scarred for life over what she just had to overhear.
Hell, I’m a little bit scarred…but then again, this is my vagina that we’re talking about.
“But what if he catches me? I mean, are we breaking the law? I wouldn’t survive in prison, Ria. I’d be someone’s bitch in a heartbeat.”
Another eyeroll.
“First of all, you’d be just fine as someone’s bitch. You were in a sorority in college, after all. It’s probably the same thing, just with less booze. Also, I really don’t know if it’s legal or not. Just don’t get caught.”
Again, famous last words.
Maria grabs ahold of my elbow and then jerks me out of the bathroom, pulling me all of the way across the building and back to the bar. She shoves me in the direction of the guy that we had decided on, before literally leaving me and heading back up towards the bar.
I’m uneasy about this, for more than just the part about snatching someone’s sperm. I’m not exactly good at picking guys up, hence, the reason that I’m pushing thirty and still pathetically single. I always end up making an ass out of myself, which is why I basically gave up trying.
But, I can do this. I know that I can do this. I just have to flutter my eyelashes and stick out my chest. After all, I’m only looking to score a one night stand here.
Not a husband.
With a determined mind, I take one step forward, except, my heel catches on the rug underneath my feet. My legs wobble, and as I try to catch myself, my ankle twists as my sky-high heels give out from under me. I let out a yelp as I begin to topple over. I don’t even have time to be embarrassed here, even though I’m sure that I’m making quite the scene. My knee hits the ground before the rest of me, and then, I face plant right into someone’s crotch.
“Oh my god.” I try to pull myself back, when two strong arms reach out, and a man chuckles, as he helps me to my feet.
“I’ve been hit on a lot of ways before, but I have to say, this is definitely a first.”
Thank god for the dark lights inside of this bar, because otherwise, the owner of the crotch that my face just kissed would see exactly how red my face is right now.
Good lord. I almost bit off the guys junk. My mouth was wide open as I fell, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, my entire cheek rubbed along his package while I tried to get my footing.
“I am so sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going and…”
“No need to apologize.” He flashes me a huge smile, before waving his hand. “I just usually like to get a name before I get to this point.”
I blush fiercely before finally allowing my eyes to take this guy in.
Not only did I make an ass out of myself, but I basically made an ass out of myself with the hottest guy in the bar. He flashes me a crooked smile, showing off a single dimple in his chiseled cheeks, making my heart do a stupid somersault in my chest, before motioning to the chair across from him.
“Why don’t you have a seat?”
I glance over to the guy that I was originally heading for, and then look down at the seat.
I look back one more time, before noticing that he now seems to be fully invested in someone else.
And, fuck me.
It is not a woman. His hand reaches out, squeezing the man’s ass in front of him, dashing all of my hopes of him being my baby daddy.
Mission failed.
I let out a deflated sigh, as the hottie with the massive package in front of me follows my eyes and chuckles.
“Hopefully that’s not your boyfriend.” He flashes me another smirk, and I cut my eyes at him.
“Definitely not.”
He nods again towards the seat before raising up his hand and signaling for the waitress.
“Sit. You look like you could use a drink.”
I could use more than a drink. Like, maybe an entire bottle of tequila. But instead I just nod and sink into the seat.
“I’m Conner, by the way. Usually I like to get introductions out of the way before a woman plants her face in my crotch.” He reaches his hand out to me, and I take it, shaking it once.
“Gabriella. And sorry about the face plant thing. Obviously, I’m a little bit clumsy.”
“No need to apologize. I’m used to having women fall all over me.”<
br />
I can’t even help it. Comments like these are hard for a girl like me to let go. My nonverbals would never allow for such a thing.
I roll my eyes before making a face.
“I didn’t fall for you; I fell over my feet. Trust me, hot shot, I would never fall for a guy like you. You aren’t my type at all.”
“No? Maybe true. If that guy over there is your type, then you’re right. I’m definitely not. I’m one hundred percent heterosexual. I like women, and women only. I definitely don’t swing his way.” He cocks his eyebrows before flashing me yet another smug grin and tilting his head towards the guy who was supposed to be my baby daddy.
“I’m done with this conversation, and as for the drink, no thanks. I’m perfectly capable of getting my own. There isn’t really room at this table for me anyhow. Your head takes up all of the space.”
I stand up quickly and am just about to flip him my most favorite finger of all when he reaches out and places his hand on my wrist.
And as much as I don’t like the guy, I can’t help myself.
Literally the second that his skin touches mine, tingles erupt through me, traveling from my head, all the way down to my spot…the one spot that I’m totally trying to pimp out tonight.
I blink once, trying to clear my head, when his voice softens.
“Wait. It was a joke.”
“Was it? Because for some reason, I think that you really do think that you’re God’s gift to women. And I get it, ok? You’re hot. Maybe even the hottest guy in here. But that doesn’t mean that you can act like an arrogant asshole. Not every woman is going to fall all over you. I simply did because I tripped, over these heels on my feet. No other reason, at all. Have a good night, Conner.”
“Gabriella. Please.” The urgency in his voice is evident. “Just sit down, and have a drink with me.”
I flash him my own smug smile before my finger finally breaks loose.
“Fuck off, Conner.”
I’m three, okay, maybe like five drinks in by the time I make it out to the dance floor.
After my encounter with Conner, and of course, discovering that the guy that I had literally cherry picked after a couple hours of research was openly gay, I have been on a full blown mission to just have fun.
Forget about trying to get myself pregnant. Forget about the fact that I’m almost thirty years old and still single.
Fuck it.
Tonight, is all about having fun.
Maria of course, is still scanning the room for her preselected sperm donors, but at this point, I’m over it.
Our plan was rather faulty, anyhow. I guess it was better than no plan, but when Maria had originally convinced me to come to this event tonight with her, the idea sounded a lot better than it does now.
I mean, events like this would typically bore me to death.
I’m not one to sleep around, and I am certainly not one to be on a mission to have a one night stand.
I had a few of them in college, but honestly, those don’t really count.
Everybody was sleeping around back then.
Adult me does not do that. In fact, I haven’t had sex in so long that I’m pretty sure my vagina is dryer than the Sahara Dessert.
It’s quite sad, actually.
Maria was convinced that this plan would work, though.
She’s an OB-GYN, so the men that are here tonight aren’t patients of hers. But, the office next to her specializes in men, and according to her, the clientele in that office are all hot and rich.
She hacked into the patient records and skimmed through the ones with recent STD checks. After that, she narrowed them down even further with a Facebook stalking session. Apparently, she didn’t stalk hard enough, because her number one pick ended up playing for the other team.
I will hand it to her, though. She is doing her best to get me some clean sperm from a handsome and smart donor.
She put her own medical license at risk and violated a shit ton of rules to hack into the office next door’s database. Her plan may be faulty, but she had the best of intentions in helping a sister out.
It would be a lot easier for everyone if I could just be like every other single, baby wanting woman out there. Those women are more than happy to get some sperm from the local sperm bank. Me, not so much.
I went, of course, and listened to their speeches and read their pamphlets, but the whole thing just felt wrong to me. For starters, I can’t be one hundred percent sure that some of the donors aren’t closet serial killers. Not that I could be certain of that from a one night stand, but I still feel like I would be able to pick up on the fact that something was just a little off with them.
I figured if I could at least, you know, do the deed with the guy, I would be able to have some memories to share with my future child. Such as, your dad smelled like this type of cologne. He preferred spearmint Mentos over peppermint. His favorite color was green…you get the picture.
You can’t get that kind of personal information at the sperm bank; that’s for sure.
“How many shots have you had?” Maria asks as I pull her by the elbow out onto the dance floor.
“Not nearly enough,” I giggle before I start moving my body to the music.
“That guy that you were talking to, Carter, is on the list, you know.”
Inwardly, I roll my eyes.
He may have made the clean donor list, but I will pass on that. I don’t think that I could be in the same room with him for five minutes, let alone go to pound town.
“His name is Conner, and the only list that he makes it on is the douche bag list. He is not a candidate.”
“Conner?” She pulls her iPhone out of her wristlet. “I’m pretty sure his name is Carter.”
She swipes for a moment, before grinning wide.
“Yep. See? Carter Andrews. Filthy rich, very smart, and STD free.”
I grab her phone out of her hand, and stare at his picture. He looks a bit different in the picture. His hair is a bit darker, and his face is clean shaven. His eyes are bright in the picture, but I’m guessing that’s only because he isn’t drunk in this photo.
Either way, the arrogance still radiates off of him, even on the screen.
No thanks.
“He told me that his name was Conner, not Carter. Looks like not only is he a total prick, he’s also a liar pants.”
“Gabby, that’s perfect!” Maria grabs my arm and pulls me close.
“He gave you a different name, because he doesn’t want you to know who he is. Don’t you get it? That’s the perfect escape. You do the deed with him, and then you won’t even have to feel bad when you run away with his sperm. You have no way of knowing who he is!”
I ponder this for just a moment, before wrinkling my nose.
“Yeah, but I know that he’s an asshole. I don’t want an arrogant prick of a kid! That stuff could be genetic!”
Maria rolls her eyes.
“It’s not. That stuff comes from how you raise a child. It’s not like he’ll be in the baby’s life, so you don’t have to worry about that. All that you need are the good genes. The looks and the brain, right? Well, babe, he’s got all of that. I think he’s the one.”
I shudder.
“Hell no. I’d rather get the sperm from the bank than to get it from that guy. You’ve lost your mind.”
I shrug out of her grasp and turn back towards the dance floor.
If I’m not getting the sperm that I came here for tonight, at least I can get myself drunk and have a damn good time.
I signal the waitress for another shot, which I slam quickly before making a beeline to the center of the dance floor. I do a few more shots while I dance, and I let myself get lost in the feeling of having a good time.
I let my worries about my dying eggs leave me.
I push the fact that I’m almost thirty years old and still single far out of my mind, and I focus on the only thing that matters right now.
Having fun.
We continue to dance and drink the night away, like two young babes without a care in the world.
I’m definitely tipsy. Alright, I’m downright shitfaced, when the song finally changes. ‘Grind with me,’ blares through the speakers, as everyone begins to couple up and grind against each other. Maria glances over my shoulder, before her eyes widen, and she takes a step backwards.
“Gabs, you know what? I’m going to run and get us two more shots. You stay here.”
She takes off before I can even respond, leaving me standing here alone, in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by all kinds of people coupled up, and getting their freak on.
I’m just about to make my way off of the dance floor myself, when I feel two hands grab onto my waist, pulling me backwards, before hips thrust against my back.
I blink, as a familiar voice whispers into my ear.
“Dance with me, beautiful.”
I look up, and see Maria standing off to the side of the dance floor, smiling at me like a Cheshire cat.
She set me up…
I debate telling Conner to fuck off again, but then, I feel his hips move.
Good lord, the man can dance. And you know what they say about a man who can dance…
He grinds his hips against me again, and suddenly, I have no willpower to stop myself.
We’re dancing, and his hands are all over me. Trailing down my arms, digging into my sides, and that package of his grows with each movement.
Ok. So, it could be that the alcohol is intoxicating my brain at this point, or maybe, it’s something else completely.
It’s been a long damn time since I’ve been with anyone. Well over a year, actually.
Getting the Goods Page 1
