He bowed. “No applause, please.” I laughed at him as he took our plates to the sink.
I wiped my mouth on a napkin. “Do you want me to wash the dishes since you cooked?”
“Nah, I’m just rinsing them and then I’m putting them into the dishwasher.”
“Okay,” I said, standing in the kitchen awkwardly. I wasn’t sure what to do next. I came for dinner, but what came afterward?
“Where’s your bathroom?”
He nodded toward the hallway. “It’s the first door on your right.”
“Thanks,” I said over my shoulder.
I locked the door and examined myself in the mirror. My makeup was worn away due to sweat and the sun. The urge of putting on lipstick came over me, but all I had was lip gloss and it was in the living room, tucked away inside my purse. I played with my hair, fixing my part and taming the wild strays with some water. All in all, I looked pretty good. I had on an excellent bra and matching thong, nothing to fear. I knew Jason wanted to have sex. It only made sense. He made dinner and I was the dessert.
After pulling my shirt down to show my breasts off better, I exited the bathroom. Jason was already on the couch. My stomach did a flip when I glanced at the floor where we had sex. In the back of my head, I hoped we’d move to the bed this time. Sex on the floor wasn’t too comfortable.
I sat next to him, batting my eyelashes and squeezing his thigh.
He raised an eyebrow. “What’s up?”
“Nothin,’” I purred. He looked at me for a long moment before turning back to the television. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I leaned against his body, inhaling his musky scent. He was worth another lay.
He didn’t make the usual moves. No grazing my breasts, brushing my skin until it burst into goose bumps, or kissing my lips or face. What was his motive here?
“Should we move to the bedroom?” I asked, wanting to get the party started already. I wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed.
His eyes searched my face. “Why?”
“Having sex on the couch isn’t the best, so I—”
“Wait,” he pulled away from me so he could look me square in the eye, “who said anything about having sex?”
“It’s fine. I know the unspoken rule. The guy is all sweet and cooks for the girl and she gives him entry into her.”
He closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. His words were jumbled together as he muttered to himself. I stared at him, wondering why he was upset.
“Damn it, Sydney! Why do you chalk every damn thing up to sex? Life isn’t all about fucking. Sometimes people are just being nice. I didn’t expect anything from you tonight.”
“I assumed…” I mumbled, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
“Don’t…at least not with me. Last time was a mistake—”
I fought back my tears. “I didn’t know…I mean, I’m sorry I didn’t please you.”
“No, you did.” He leaned in close, brushing the back of his hand down my cheek. “Listen to me. It was too fast. I got caught up in the heat of the moment. You’re a sexy woman and I loved what we did, but usually I wait until the third date before sleeping with a girl.”
Out of habit, I put space between us, enough room for another person to sit in-between. “Why wait?” It was a foreign concept to me.
He stood and paced the length of the couch. “I wait to see if I like the person. Get to know her, see if I can imagine her in my future. Not as a wife or anything, just as someone that would last a lot longer than a one-night stand. I see if I could fall in love with her. If I had sex with every woman, then it would become mundane and meaningless.”
“But I don’t believe in love. That’s why I—”
“Why don’t you believe?” He dropped down to my side. His leg brushed mine. My skin burned as his eyes bore into me.
I swallowed, searching for the right words. “It’s hard to explain. All I’ve seen is anger and hatred, nothing good. Love is meant to be beautiful and last forever, yet it dies like a rose in the frost. After seeing real life relationships in-person fall apart over and over again, I swore I’d never fall in love. So I have fun, never having a real boyfriend.”
He gave me a look. “You never had a real boyfriend?”
I said too much. “I—I mean…well…I just hook up with people. Some were friends and we stayed in touch. Like friends with benefits, but nothing else. I never had a boyfriend, someone to be loyal to and have a true relationship with.”
I felt too vulnerable, on display again. I bowed my head to hide behind the curtain of my hair.
Jason gathered my hands in his and didn’t say a word.
I looked at him through a veil of hair. “It’s fine. I’m young. Who cares?”
“Who cares?” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear so I couldn’t hide anymore. “I can’t name one girl who has sex with someone and can write it off as a crazy night. Girls are emotional and think sex means—”
“I know all that.” I pulled away. “My sociology class taught me a lot of shit.”
“Did you also learn that the worst punishment for a human is being alone, being in isolation?”
I sniffed and said defiantly, “That’s why, when I’m old and ugly, I’m going to have tons of cats for company.”
He swept the hair off my shoulder with his fingers. Warmth spread through my cheek as his hand cupped my face. It reminded me of home. Leaning into him, I felt like, in that one moment, I could open up to Jason and tell him everything about me, reveal every little scar and cry for all I had lost in my life. My safe home, my happy childhood, and the dream of love I envisioned as a little girl, but the voice in my head prevented me from it. The voice told me I’d be sorry, that he’d leave me broken with a bleeding heart.
“I see such pain in your eyes,” he whispered, wiping away a tear that detached from my hold.
“Let’s change the topic,” I said, not meeting his gaze.
He heard the desperation in my voice. I laid my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He toyed with my hair, coiling it around his fingers and then releasing it.
Words tumbled out of my mouth. “You know my hair is supposed to be wavy. I always straighten it.”
“Really? I’d like to see it wavy one day. I bet it’s beautiful.”
My cheeks burned. I was glad he couldn’t see me blush. With my eyes closed, I felt intact. Never had I felt secure with a guy before. Only with my father, before he got hooked on alcohol and drugs. Then he treated my mom and me like we were useless people who were in his way to self-destruction.
A song I knew by heart filled my ears. It was a track from my favorite movie from my childhood. I opened my eyes and sure enough The Lion King graced the screen. I snuggled against Jason, getting comfortable. He squeezed me tight before handing me my stolen Scooby. I smiled down at him, savoring the memory.
As the song “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” played, my eyelids grew heavy. Hugging Scooby close, I drifted to sleep on Jason’s chest.
Chapter Nineteen
I awoke to a tree branch bumping into a window nearby. Looking around, all I saw in the darkness were blinking lights from a stereo.
Where was I?
Oh, I was at Jason’s.
Standing up, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. “How could I have fallen asleep here?” I asked myself.
Realization washed over me. This was the first time I’d spent the night at a guy’s house and we didn’t have intercourse.
While filling a glass with water from the tap, I heard someone breathing behind me. I dropped the glass. It bounced in the sink, but didn’t break. I spun around abruptly, wishing for a knife.
“Hey, it’s only me. Calm down, Syd,” Jason said, turning on the lights.
I squinted at him, blinded by the sudden brightness. “Oh, right, of course. I knew that.” I chewed on my bottom lip.
“You want something to drink? I can get you something better than tap
water.”
“Okay,” I answered, hugging myself.
He got apple juice out of the fridge and poured it into two glasses. “Here.” He handed me a glass.
“Thanks.” I took a sip, letting it run down my dry throat.
“It’s like three in the morning. You wanna catch some more Zs?”
“Yeah.” I didn’t want to stay, but to rush off seemed awfully rude. I sat my glass on the table and headed back to the couch.
“You don’t have to sleep there.”
Is that an invitation?
I turned around and tilted my head. “No?”
“I have a guest room,” he said, putting his empty glass next to mine.
I followed Jason upstairs. “The sheets are clean. Make yourself at home.” He left me in the room I could call mine for a few hours.
I couldn’t take in all the details due to the dimness, but it was an average guest room. The walls appeared bare. Only one painting of a forest hugged the wall opposite the window. A full-sized bed and vanity was all the furniture. I fell onto the bed and got comfy.
The door wasn’t closed all the way. A streak of light came from the crack. Faintly a shadow passed by. I swore I heard something like, “I’ll prove to you you’re not broken,” but I couldn’t be sure.
Chapter Twenty
When my eyes opened, I realized two things. One, I was still at Jason’s and two, sometime after I fell asleep, Jason came into my room and gave me Scooby. I found my favorite cartoon character in my arms. In the back of my mind, I remembered hearing a voice before crashing again, but it was dim. The words were fuzzy.
After stretching, I got up to search for Jason. I thought he’d be in his room. When I peeked through the doorways in the hall, I found no one. The house felt too empty.
The last room had to be Jason’s. I knocked, but there was no answer. Slowly I opened the door and looked at the bed. It was messy and vacant. Where was he?
I was about to leave when I noticed a curtain dancing in the wind. What if…I went to the curtain and found a balcony. Jason leaned against the railing.
“May I join you?”
He looked over his shoulder, as if expecting me. “Yes.”
I leaned against the railing, inhaling the salty air of the ocean. Jason had the perfect set up. He lived in the last row of the neighborhood, which meant he could view the ocean from his house. The sun slipped out of the horizon through ribbons of red and orange. The sea sparkled like a perfect mirror.
“Do you watch the sunrise often?” I asked, taking it all in.
“Every morning.”
We stood in a cone of welcoming silence. To hear the birds singing and the ocean waves crashing was peaceful.
His gaze was locked on the water. “At sunrise everything is luminous but not clear.” He was quoting someone, but I didn’t know who. “It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us. You can love completely without complete understanding,” Jason said.
“That’s lovely. Who said that?”
“Norman Maclean.”
“The only time I see the sunrise is when I’m rushing home from God knows where. I’ve never taken the time to take it in, to truly give it my attention and admiration.”
“That’s a shame.”
“I can only remember one sunrise…” I trailed off, getting lost on memory lane.
“Care to share?” he asked, looking at me with those intense eyes.
I watched a seagull dive into the ocean and fly back up. “It was long ago. I was just a child.”
He nodded for me to carry on.
“I was five, and I couldn’t sleep. I had a nightmare. My father took me outside so I could wander around and not wake my mother, who was ill at the time. I hopped onto my swing set and swung on my favorite swing, the one on the left.” I smiled while reflecting. “My dad came over and pushed me higher and higher. I watched the sun rise above the purple Superstition Mountains. The sun lit parts of the mountain, but left some of it to the shadows. That was one of the few good memories with my father.”
Jason folded his hands together, looking out to the horizon. “Can I ask where he is now?”
Most people assumed my father was dead due to the way I talked about him, always in the past tense. In a way, they were right. He was dead, but only to me. “He’s still alive, if that’s what you mean.”
His jaw clenched. I bowed my head. There was more he wanted to say.
“What set him off, though? Like that night with the cops…”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. A seagull sailed over us. I wished to be that free and not have to talk about my personal problems.
“He was a drunk who got into meth. My mom and I never knew about the meth, not until the end of their relationship. We knew about the beer and thought he smoked some pot, but that was it. But it makes sense now. He was always defensive about where he was, where money went, and why he couldn’t get another job.”
“Bastard,” Jason muttered, then paused, like he said a swear word in front of a child. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
A bitter laugh came out of my mouth. It was too rough to belong to me. “Don’t worry about it. I wish him dead…and it kinda is coming true in an obscene way, not that I wanted it to…” I trailed off. People always thought there was something wrong with me because of my hatred for my father.
Jason sat on the railing, his back to the ocean. “What do you mean by it’s kinda coming true?”
“God,” I shook my head, “I’m going to sound like such a bitch.”
He brushed the top of my hand with his. The heat traveled from my fingers into my cold core. “Just tell me. I won’t judge you.”
I took a breath. It felt like a wall in me was crumbling down. “About two months ago, he was diagnosed with cancer. It was first in his colon, but since he’s anti-doctors, he didn’t go until he was almost dead. Fresh bagged blood saved his pathetic life.”
“The cancer has spread,” he stated, knowing there was no question about it.
I looked down to the ground. We were on the second level, not a deadly height. If someone fell, they’d probably only break their leg. Well, if they didn’t fall on their head anyway. “Oh yeah, big time. It’s almost everywhere now…and it’s stage four.”
Jason slid off the railing and took me in his arms. My back was to his chest. “Wow, I’m sorry. But if he’s sick, why are you here?”
I wanted to stay in Jason’s arms forever. I wanted to spin around and kiss those lips and get lost in his eyes, but him questioning me on why I was in California felt like a slap in the face. Never in my life had I ever confessed so much to someone, and Jason finally knew my toxic relationship with my father but thought I should still be by his bedside.
Instead of kissing him, I turned around and gave him a mean look. “I come here every summer. He wasn’t going to stand in my way of having a good break. He’s dead to me, Jason. You don’t understand what he did to me.”
He kept his hands on me, sliding them down my arms. “Maybe I do. He hurt your mother and you too.” He paused, looking thoughtful. “Is he…is he one of the reasons you don’t like relationships?”
I pushed him away. He went too far. “I don’t want to talk about it.” I folded my arms around me, a shield to keep him at bay.
The sun became too bright to look at. I used my hair as a curtain to put space between Jason and me. I almost told him everything about me, about how damaged and messed up I was.
“Do you want me to take you home?” Jason took my movement as a sign that I was uncomfortable.
“Yeah, I have to get something first. I’ll be quick.”
“I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re ready.”
I went back down the hall to the room I was in and grabbed my Scooby-Doo. After putting on my shoes and finding my purse, I was ready to go.
As we drove, the song “Fight Like a Girl” by Emilie Autumn came on. “This is my song!” I screamed, turning up the
volume. I sung every line and bobbed my head to the tempo. When it ended, I turned the volume back to where it was. Jason gave me a long look, as if I had changed form on him.
I motioned to the stereo. “What? Not an EA fan?”
“She’s all right, but I now understand why you’re so intense.”
When it came to the music I loved, I got defensive. “Emilie is amazing. She’s gone through a lot and wrote music to help her. The messages are strong and beautiful and fans can relate.”
He gave me a searching look. “Okay, I can respect that. I bet you went to her last concert and screamed your lungs out for her.”
My smile died. “No, sadly I’ve never seen her live. I’d love to, though.”
“Hopefully you will one day.”
I didn’t say anything. Soon we were at my house. Jason stopped the Jeep in front of the porch.
I opened the door and inhaled the fresh air. “Thanks for the fair and dinner. It was a blast.”
He flicked Scooby on the nose. “Still can’t believe you talked me into stealing that.”
“I’ll never forget. I love him a lot, so thank you.” Before I could stop myself, I leaned over and kissed Jason on the lips. “Bye.”
Jason waited until I had my front door open before driving away. I waved at him as he drove off. What I wanted was a shower and then a tall, hot cup of coffee. For some reason, I couldn’t stop smiling. Jason was so…so sweet. No, that wasn’t the word I was looking for. He was…mind blowing. He made me putty in his hands when he touched me. I wanted to taste him more and more lately. What was he doing to me?
Chapter Twenty-One
For the past two days, I’ve been working on my surfing. I haven’t crashed since the incident back when I first met Jason. I still couldn’t believe I wiped out like that.
I found Jason knocking on my front door as soon as I got back inside from the beach. My hair was wet and my body sore. The last thing I wanted was to talk to someone. I only wanted a nap.
Shades of Sydney (Sydney West #1) Page 14
