He looked skeptical. “You do, do you?”
I gave him a pointed glare. “Why does it seem like you don’t believe me?”
“You have your vision of the world and I have mine.”
“What’s yours like? Rainbows and unicorns?” I smirked at my own joke.
He took a sip of coffee and choked on it for a heartbeat. “Compared to yours, probably.”
“Just share it,” I said sharply.
He rubbed his chin and licked a drop of coffee off his lips. “Life is like a video game to me. You have to work hard in order to get to the next level. If you fail or someone pushes you down, you get back up and keep going. Sometimes they set you back a bit, but you could maybe see something you missed the first time through because you were too busy to stop and smell the roses.”
“A video game? Interesting. To me, this is hell.”
“What? This is hell?” His forehead wrinkled. He needed an explanation.
I looked down at the black coffee again, swirling what was left inside the mug. “Mmm-hmm. People of faith believe there is heaven and hell, but to me this is hell. There are demons who try to tear us down. If we give into them, they possess us until our death. When we die, we either go to heaven, aka paradise, or to limbo.”
“What’s limbo like?”
“Have you read Dante’s book, The Divine Comedy? I’m referring to the Inferno.”
He sat his mug on the island. “I’ve heard of it, but never read it.”
“Limbo is the first place visited, where things of your life chase you for eternity and it’s always bleak and depressing.”
Those silver eyes dazed me when I got caught in their spell.
Jason said, “You’re a combination of melancholy and morbidness, you know that?”
“That’s how I view the world.” I slid off the counter, mainly because my ass was falling asleep.
Jason came around the island, closing the gap between us. “There has to be more to you than that. Random facts and stories from television and college didn’t make you this way, and I don’t buy your childhood made you like this either. Maybe a part, but not all of you.”
I huffed. “How would you know?”
“Those types of things don’t sink into someone until something had already dug a hole.”
My eyebrows met in confusion. “Come again?”
“Something terrible had to have happened in your life and it made you cling to those beliefs.”
I downed the rest of my coffee and sat the mug on the counter. I tried to brush past Jason, but he stood firm. “My past doesn’t matter. What if I witnessed my father belittle my mom for over a decade? That has nothing to do with me,” I snapped.
Jason enveloped me in his arms. “That’s where you’re wrong, Syd. It has changed you.”
I buried my face in his chest. Was he right? My main example of love was my parents, and their relationship exploded like the atom bomb over Hiroshima. I truly believed if they didn’t separate when they did, one of them would’ve killed the other. It was that bad.
If my father killed my mom, I could be dead too because I always tried to defend her and she was always trying to keep me in my room. I wouldn’t stay, not when things were being broken. I still remember walking around, gathering glass knick knacks and hiding them in my room for safety. If my parents were fighting too close to my room, I’d hide stuff in closets and the fridge.
As each memory resurfaced and was replaced by another, I became weak. They were too much. I remembered the countless nights I laid awake, listening to my parents argue or my mom weeping. Sometimes my father would come home at two in the morning from who knows where and shout about not having dinner. Their relationship was poison and only lasted so long because of me. My mom told me once she didn’t know how to keep the house without him since he was on the deed too.
Maybe that was where I got lost, where I began to doubt and grasp anything I could to prove love was an ideal and something foolish. Denial was hard to manage. What was true anymore?
The weight of the memories and thoughts triggered my tears. I clung to Jason’s arms and cried. It came in waves, growing bigger like a storm. My wounds felt exposed and were bleeding onto Jason. His hands were thick with my blood, with my sins. Never did I admit such things to anyone, not my mother or Amelia, and they were the closest people in my life.
“It’s time to go, Jason,” I grumbled into his shoulder.
“I have all day,” he whispered, intertwining his fingers into my long hair.
“No.” I pushed away from him, but he kept me within arm’s length. “I’m finished with this conversation and I want to be alone.”
There was a battle in his eyes as he looked down on me. I felt like a kitten lost on the streets. He let out a breath. “Fine, but if you need anything, I’m only a call away.”
I nodded and poured the rest of the coffee into my mug. I heard him walk to the door and close it softly.
After checking to make sure he was gone, I broke down and cried all over again. I didn’t need Jason in my head, twisting things. He wasn’t going to win. I wasn’t someone to claim. He was trying to prove something because he was all into chivalry. Just a knight who needed to save the princess.
Chapter Twenty-Four
For two nights in a row, I went to a nightclub with the intention of finding a new summer boy, and each night I failed. Somehow I got infected with Jason’s disease. He had gotten into my head and I couldn’t have meaningless sex anymore. It was too loud inside my mind. Not even rock music could drown out all the yelling voices.
I wanted nothing more than to get over Jason and forget all about him. The only way I saw fit was to get under someone else, but no one fit the bill. They were either too tall or too short. If not that, then their hair was too black and their eyes weren’t silver. Lovely, I was comparing each guy to Jason. How could I break the spell Jason cast upon me? I was hell-bent to find out.
Jason’s words played in my head. Life is like a video game to me. You have to work hard in order to get to the next level. If you fail or someone pushes you down, you get back up and keep going. Sometimes they set you back a bit, but you could maybe see something that you missed the first time through because you were too busy to stop and smell the roses.
It made sense to me now, even if I didn’t believe it to the letter. He tried to view the world on a more positive note than I did. My view was that the world liked to crush you, see you burn, and then let you die. There was no point to love in the end. The only love that lasted forever was the tragic kind, like Romeo and Juliet or Bonnie and Clyde.
I wanted something I could touch, something that could bear my name and I’d be proud of. I wanted to make a name for myself, be someone who was in the history books and not another statistic. I wasn’t a number. I was a person. My dream was to be someone like Martin Luther King, sharing my dreams with others and having the masses empowered by them.
Some would call my dream insanity, others ludicrous. How I viewed life, there was much more than love. Love was an hourglass waiting to shatter and cause distraction. It created fights, tension, and children. There was no way to fix how the world worked. It was as broken as I was.
Perhaps we were all broken, each in our own way. The people we connect with remind us of the pieces we lost. Maybe that was just my sorrow talking again.
It was time to stop wallowing in my failures and theories. Tomorrow night, I was going to Ravenheart, and there I’d find my next conquest. He would take away all my grief and pain, for a few hours at least. That was all I asked for. I was a druggie in need of a fix. I needed sex to keep my mind from falling into the abyss. It was summer and I needed a vacation.
Jason was someone in my way. Soon he’d lose interest. If he didn’t, well, I was leaving for Arizona in the middle of August. I’d be free of him then. He wouldn’t follow me. There was no reason to.
Deep down, I wanted to know why Jason was able to open the door I thought was l
ocked inside me. It was chained, frozen, and welded shut. Then, out of the blue, the sweet, knight-in-shining-armor Jason came and broke into it with those silver eyes and his warm embrace.
Damn it! Why did he always find a way into my head? I needed a drink and a new summer boy fast. Tomorrow night couldn’t come any faster. Ravenheart better be what I needed. If not, then I was at a loss once again.
***
Ravenheart was like I pictured it. Loud, pulsating music controlled the airwaves and it was jam-packed with people. I dove in and searched for a mating partner, anyone who would service my need.
I made my way to the bar, my stress knotted in my shoulders. After a few drinks, I’d loosen up and hopefully find someone decent to screw around with. A couple cursed me as I made my way through them, but their insults rolled off my back—sticks and stones. The bar was in sight. Only a few more feet and some couples to cross.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone I thought I knew. Turning my head, I studied their profile. It took some time to make out their face due to the neon lights dancing across the crowd. He was tall, lean, tan, and handsome. It was Jason. How did he know I was here?
A smile curled my lips and my stomach tangled itself into a ball. I tried to shake off the feeling, but it stuck to me like oil. I found myself making my way toward him. For some reason, I wanted him to see me. I wanted his arms around my waist.
I was about to say his name when a girl appeared out of thin air. She was short, at least five inches shorter than me, and had perky, dark curls flowing down her back and shoulders. A mint green dress stretched over her narrow hips and average sized breasts. She was ordinary. Nothing stood out about her. There was no label, no surfer, no slut, no nothing. She was a simple girl, a simple girl who was all over my Jason.
My Jason? When did I get possessive? As I turned to leave and drown my sorrows in whiskey, my name was called. I ignored him. After all, it was a loud dance craze going on all around me. My name could’ve easily been overpowered. Jason said my name again, louder. I sighed. There was nowhere to go. I had to face the music.
Turning slowly and painfully, I gave Jason the best smile I could muster, which was more of a grimace. “Hey, didn’t see you. What’s happenin’?”
He gave me a strange look, like he didn’t know me. “What’s with the slang? Are you going gangsta?”
I laughed nervously. My tone of voice changed when I was uncomfortable. Sometimes I even speak in a horrible English or southern accent. It was something I fell into when I found myself in a situation I didn’t want to be in.
“No, course not.”
“O-kay,” he said, drawing the word out. He motioned to the girl. “I’d like you to meet my—”
I waved my hand at him. “No time for introductions. I’m looking for my date.” I scanned the crowd, searching for some desperate soul who looked in my general direction. “There he is!”
I tried to escape Jason by rushing to a tall stranger with a tattoo of a Playboy model on his bicep.
“Who? That tattoo fre—dude?” Jason called out after me.
“Ahh, sure,” I answered over my shoulder.
“Sydney.” He said my name like you’d demand a dog to come to you.
“What?” I threw venom in the word to make me sound more annoyed than hurt.
How dare Jason see other women!
Wait, why do I care?
He took my wrist, pulling me in close. “He doesn’t look safe. I’m worried about you.”
I pulled away. How dare he judge me and choose who was worth my time? I looked at the tattoo man, who was now staring at me. His eyes were undressing my body. He was totally a creep and I wanted to get to him. Why? Oh right, to escape a guy who was sweet and actually cared about me. That made a lot of sense.
“You’re right,” I muttered. My words tasted like vinegar. I hated to admit I was wrong.
Jason’s eyes pierced my skin. “Excuse me?”
I looked down at my heels. “You heard me.”
“Wow, I get the feeling you’re not the type of girl to admit she’s wrong.”
My hair closed around my face. I hid behind my curtain again. “It’s, like, whatever, okay? Can we drop it?”
He held his hands up. “Yeah.”
I tossed my hair out of my face and nodded. “Good, I’ll see you around.”
“Wait, you didn’t meet—”
I was already deep within the crowd, letting them push me to the bar. I needed many shots of alcohol. It was going to be a long night.
When I downed a whiskey and held another in my hand, I dared to look for Jason and the mystery girl again. They weren’t sitting at any tables. I thought they left until I saw Jason’s head pop up in the crowd while he danced. The girl shook her ass like she was a stripper needing to pay off her college loans. Jason kept laughing and shaking his head. He never looked in my direction.
See what happens when you push people away? They find new people who are nice and fun to be around.
I had missed my window with Jason and he moved on. Now I had to deal with the voices in my head as they scolded me.
You better get used to being alone at a bar. The way you’re—
I downed the shot and slammed the glass on the bar. The girl in a tight blue dress next to me jumped at the sound.
But she’s so vanilla! How could Jason choose someone like her after being with someone like me? It makes no sense.
She probably shares stuff about herself…not like you, Syd. With you, it’s like pulling teeth. Guarded much?
No, I’m...just a cold-hearted bitch.
No one likes frostbite. You can’t mourn after what you chase away.
Now I was arguing with myself. Perhaps I was insane and needed to be checked into a mental clinic. That or my drink was stiffer than I thought.
The bartender gave me another shot. I finished it and paid off my tab. I entered the mosh pit to do what I did best—dance. When I danced, all my worries let up and I was free. My body was getting into the rhythm when Jason cut in.
“May I join you?”
I bit my lip and looked past him. “I guess. It is America.”
“That was inviting.” He stopped moving, choosing to frown at me instead. “What’s with you tonight? You seem bitchier than normal, if that’s possible.”
I brushed past him. He was ruining my dancing vibes. “If you’re not going to dance, get off the floor.”
“Look at me.” He pulled me to him. I stumbled and fell against his chest. Under my hand, I felt his heart beating. The urge to kiss his lips made my lips tingle. Parts low inside me clenched and coiled, making it hard to think straight.
“No, I want to dance. Nothing else.”
His eyes were dark pools, pulling me under. “Nothing else? Isn’t this where you meet guys you later let take you home to fuck?”
I stood there, agape. He didn’t just insult me.
His eyes searched my face, realizing his words hurt me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean how that came out. You make me so frustrated and things pour out of my mouth.”
“It doesn’t fucking matter how I snare men into bed. I don’t have to listen to this shit.” I marched away. People parted for me, as if they overheard and wanted to aid in my escape.
Jason chased me. “This isn’t over. I’m not losing you for some stupid remark I accidently said.”
I stopped, crossing my arms over my chest and glared at him. “It sounded like you meant it loud and clear to me.”
He scratched his head, searching for the right words to say. “I’m sorry.”
“Can I go now? You still have your little girlfriend over there waiting for you.” I nodded toward the girl he was with. She stood by a booth looking lost and unsure what to do. Poor girl. She was a kitten in a club full of hungry wolves.
He looked at her, then back to me. “She’s not my girlfriend. That was what I was trying to explain when you kept rudely interrupting.”
“Who is she t
hen?” I spat.
“She’s my cousin. She came down for a week from Minnesota.”
That took the wind out of my sails. “Why bring her here then?”
“She basically dragged me here. All she could talk about is partying in California. Said if she didn’t have amazing stories to share when she got back home, her friends would think she was boring.”
I looked at her again. She was pretty, a plain Jane, but pretty. Her bone structure was lovely and her eyes dazzling. Even from this distance, I could feel how deeply green they were. I wasn’t being biased, was I? Perhaps when I first saw her, it was under harsh lighting. Yeah, that had to be it.
I stared down at my fingernails. “Oh, well, I, ahh…”
He laughed, making me look up. “You what?” A smile tugged at the edge of his lips. “Were you jealous?”
“No, hell no. I just thought…never mind.” I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“Mmm-hmm, being demanding and assuming she’s my girlfriend without being introduced indicates signs of jealousy.”
“I don’t get jealous,” I said, not meeting his eyes.
He reached out to me, but didn’t touch. His hand hovered in the air. “You don’t? That’s strange.”
I took a step back and his hand dropped. “Why?” I asked.
“It’s a natural human reaction.” His voice was sorrowful, like he pitied me for how I felt.
“Well, I don’t have it. Maybe I’m not human,” I said dryly.
We stood looking at each other. It almost felt like a Mexican standoff. A thought floated through my mind. Jason was awfully protective of me when I claimed that tattoo creep was my date.
“I think you were jealous when I said that guy over there was my date.”
Jason’s face turned stone hard, becoming scary serious. “I wasn’t jealous. I was concerned. There’s a difference.”
“You don’t have to worry about me.” My past actions crossed my mind. Maybe I should eat my words.
He shook his head. “One day you’re going to get yourself into a situation you can’t run or charm yourself out of. Then what? Who will save you?”
Shades of Sydney (Sydney West #1) Page 16
