“I didn’t want to bother you with it.”
I made a fist, digging my fingernails into my palm. “Just tell me. Keeping things to yourself will only eat you alive.”
“It’s about your father…” I wished I didn’t ask her to go further. I released my fist before blood blossomed from the crescent red marks from my nails.
“Is…is he dead?” In a way, I hoped he was. The man has been dead to me since I was ten. Why didn’t he already know that?
She exhaled. I could picture my mom giving me a disappointed look. “Not yet, sweetie. You shouldn’t sound like you want him to die. God wants you to forgive.”
“I know…” My problem wasn’t forgiveness, it was forgetting. The memories were etched into my brain. When my father called or wished to visit me, I remembered the abominable times with him.
“It’s time to bury the hatchet and talk to him. He’s not doing well.”
I clicked my tongue. Why did my father’s health have to ruin my summer? He always found ways to wreck my life. “I’ll think about it, okay? Can we change the subject?” My voice dripped with impatience and bitterness.
“Sure. Make any new friends?”
That made me smile. She still treated me like a child, bless her heart. “Kind of. Amelia has a boyfriend and his friend hangs around too.”
“Yeah? What’s the other boy like?” My mom wasn’t dim. She knew there was something going on with me and Hunter’s friend.
“Your typical local surfer. He’s tan, toned, and—”
“Sexy?”
I was appalled at her using that word. “Mother!”
She chuckled. “Well, is he?”
“I guess. He does have a nice body…”
“I see.”
I switched gears. “Amelia has fallen hard for her guy. I hope he doesn’t break her heart. I have no idea what they plan on doing when we return to Arizona.”
“There’s such a thing as long distance relationships, honey.”
I tightly wrapped a piece of hair around my fingers. “I know, but the statistics for those aren’t good.”
She was silent for a moment. “There you go again, always with your facts. You need to live life and not go by all those studies you read.”
I released my hair and felt my jaw set. “Is it wrong to know the statistics of something before jumping in head first?”
“Life is unpredictable. Like they say, it’s the journey, not the—”
“Not the destination, I know, but I like to have some structure. Not everything I do is based on studies.” Like my sex life, but I wasn’t going to bring that up. According to my mom, I only had one or two partners.
She dropped it and we chatted about mundane things. She told me about her gardening and meeting a guy at a bar. The date backfired, but I was proud of her for trying. I told her about the beach and parties. A lot of details were left out. Soon we said our good-byes.
Jason was kicked out of my head and replaced with my father. I wanted to forget him. I liked to think I didn’t have a father, that he was a sperm donor. Tough, yes, but it helped me deal.
If I was an admirable daughter, I’d let the past go and return to Arizona early. I’d take my father out to dinner and do whatever else he wanted. People thought I should take care of him and be oh-so-nice because he had fatal cancer. To me, he brought it upon himself. It was karma, and you know what they say about karma.
How could I sit and enjoy the company of the father who came home drunk and/or high all the time? One time, when I was eleven, he came into my bedroom to fix my PlayStation and couldn’t because he was so out of it. My system wasn’t working and I asked him to help, like I’d done millions of times before. He came stumbling into my room and fiddled with the machine. He looked at my television screen as he tried to turn the system on. The only problem was the door to the disc player was still open. Everyone knew that door has to be closed so it can read the disc. Seeing that, I knew he had to go. I sent him away and talked my mom into fixing it.
The worst memory was when I was eight. My mom was in the hospital for surgery on her ovaries and my father’s only job was to keep me safe and feed me dinner. Instead he had a party, invited strange men over, and got stoned and drunk. I found out when I went into the living room to turn down the television. It was overpowering my Winnie the Pooh movie. The only clothing I had on was a short, paper thin nightgown. As I grabbed the remote to decrease the volume, the door opened and I saw men coming through it. I ran to my room, locking the door behind me, and hid under my bed. I wept under there for hours on the coat of my German shepherd, Buffy.
My father didn’t care about my well-being. So many times he put me in harm’s way. If it wasn’t for my mom, my childhood would’ve been ruined because I would’ve been assaulted by one of my father’s so-called friends.
With memories like that, it was hard to fake a smile and pretend to enjoy his company. All I wanted to do was yell at him, tell him how much he fucked up my mom’s life and mine. I wanted him to hurt, to feel agony.
I heard my mom cry night after night, but he never did. When they separated, he got a new girlfriend with a snap of his fingers. She was ugly and trailer trash, but he had someone. They supported each other’s meth addiction.
My blood boiled in my veins. Tears burned my eyes. I hated my father and what he did. Why couldn’t I escape him, just leave it all behind? My phone rang again. This time it was Jason. I answered it and agreed to go running with him on the beach. Maybe Jason would rebuild my courage.
Chapter Thirty
“My mother and sister are coming back from Paris. I was wondering if you wanted to meet them,” Jason asked, piercing me with those eyes of his.
“What was that?” Jason and I were running together, but it didn’t seem like I was fully there. My mind kept drifting off to distant places.
“My mother and sister are back. I want you to meet them.”
That statement made me stop running. Jason got whiplash because he stopped too fast. “What’s wrong?” he asked, concern filling his voice.
“I’m not meeting your family. What am I to you anyway? Your friend and fuck buddy?” I looked out to the ocean, not wanting to witness his expression.
He touched my shoulder. “No, you’re more than that.”
I flinched, pulling away. “Am I your girlfriend?” I looked into his eyes. He dropped his gaze.
“Umm…well…” He scratched his head in thought.
“A few dates doesn’t make us a couple,” I said, biting my cheek to keep more words from coming out.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Can’t you meet them as a friend then?”
“No, what’s the point? I don’t do family. I’ll never introduce you to mine so why should I meet yours? It should be mutual.”
He closed the gap between us. “Calm down. Why are you on edge today?”
“I’m sorry.” I wrapped my arms around his waist. “It’s just my mom called and told me upsetting news I didn’t want to hear.”
He kissed the top of my head. “What’s wrong?”
“Don’t worry. Just hug me, okay?”
He squeezed me hard, almost making me sink into him. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”
“I know. I’ll tell you soon.”
“Soon?”
I pulled away, looking into his face. “You’re something else. It’s like you know me inside and out and it’s only a matter of time until I spill my entire soul to you.”
His thumb brushed my bottom lip. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“It is, to me, anyway. I never wanted to share my agony and depression with a soul. I wanted it to come with me to the grave,” I said, closing my eyes.
He grabbed my shoulders. “Don’t talk about the grave. We’re young and alive, that’s what we should focus on.”
“Ahh, a ‘piss in the wind cause we can’ analogy.”
“What?” he asked, laughing.
“Never mind, I heard that somewhere.”
He wrapped his arm around my torso. “You’re strange.”
“But you still love me.”
I blushed at the words and ran down the beach. Jason gave chase. He tackled me and we made out on the sweltering sand and ever present ocean foam.
As we walked up the boardwalk, I felt a touch of sorrow. The wind had shifted. The air felt lighter. It was still summer, but autumn was going to be knocking soon. In the coming weeks, the leaves will wish to change color and die. Soon I’ll have to return to Arizona.
That wasn’t for another few weeks. I wasn’t going to worry about the looming day when I had to leave California. My summer still needed an unforgettable ending. I wasn’t going anywhere without one.
Chapter Thirty-One
“The Santa Ana winds are warning us summer is coming to an end,” Jason said as he took in the ocean.
We sat on a florescent beach towel on the warm sand, admiring one of California’s famous sunsets.
A salty breeze swept a few strands of hair across my cheek. I pushed them behind my ear and swallowed the anxiety brought on by the beginning of August. I leaned back on my hands and closed my eyes.
“Don’t remind me. I’m dreading going back to tests, homework, essays, and work.”
Jason laughed. “There’s always something missing when summer comes to an end. You feel like there wasn’t enough time, and that you forgot to do something important.”
I nodded, but I did know what was missing. I didn’t have my unforgettable moment, the moment that would stand out when I looked back at this particular summer. I needed a moment worthy of telling my grandkids about, if I have any.
“What do you want to do tonight?” I asked Jason, sitting up to draw a line in the sand with my finger.
“I have an idea.”
“Care to share?” I looked at him over my shoulder. He didn’t have a shirt on, making me want to jump his bones right there. The way his muscles moved and his chest rose and fell made my insides melt.
Jason rubbed his hands together to brush away the sand. “It’s a surprise. We should go get ready.”
Another piece of hair blew into my face. I pulled it back and toyed with it between my fingers. “How can I get ready if I don’t know where we’re going?”
His sly smile turned his lips upward. “Just change into some jeans and your favorite tee.”
I narrowed my eyes, but followed him up to the house. Without asking another question, I went up to my room to change.
Jason had put his jeans on over his boxers and pulled his red cotton shirt on when I came back down. Silently I watched him do push-ups as he waited for me. I stood on the base of the stairs in my old ripped blue jeans and tight black Emile Autumn concert shirt. It was hard to think or even move when I saw Jason’s body ripple and flex.
He looked up at me and stood. “Hey, ready?”
I nodded, chewing on my lip. I didn’t trust my voice. It would’ve been lust filled after getting a pleasant look at his ludicrous body in action.
“I should have known that was your favorite shirt.”
Automatically I looked down at the image of Emilie Autumn’s face with her signature heart by her eye. My hand tugged on the hem of the shirt nervously. “Yeah, gotta represent.”
“Should we go then?” He offered his arm to me.
After tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I walked to him, linking my arm with his.
Jason took us away in his Jeep. In my head I complained about not knowing where we were going. I truly loathed being in the dark. Perhaps I had OCPD. I had to know what was coming. If I didn’t, I felt uneasy.
***
As we pulled onto a dirt street, I squinted at the fading sign. It read ‘DESERT RANCH DRIVE-IN.’
“The drive-in?” I asked aloud.
Those were still around?
A pay booth laid a few yards in front of us. The entrance gate was like one of a private asylum you entered, but maybe never left.
Jason said, “Yeah, thought it was the perfect night to see a movie outdoors.”
He was right. The night came like a perfect kiss. It was balmy, like a lover’s delicate embrace. There was a touch of wind, carrying the perfume of the ocean as if the Goddess of the Night wanted to make love to us mere mortals.
Jason bought our tickets and drove to the middle of lot four. There were only a few cars at our screen. The movie didn’t start for another hour.
We got out of the Jeep and looked around. By the concession stand was a little playground with two swings and a tall, yellow slide for the kids. Once inside, we were hit with the smell of fresh popcorn.
“I need popcorn,” I said.
“Me too. How do you take it?”
I wrapped my arms around me, ashamed of how I loved popcorn. “A touch of salt and a lot of butter, like heart attack amount.”
“Sounds good. And a large Dr. Pepper?” He gave me a knowing grin.
“But of course.” I loved how he remembered the little things about me.
There was a couple in the corner kissing as they waited for their order. They must have ordered a pizza or something else that took time to cook. A girl stood next to them. She had glasses on and looked melancholy—frowning and staring into space. I could tell she was the third wheel. I felt her pain. That used to be me when Hunter was around Amelia. My heart hurt thinking about the past and my brain ached when I thought about my present. Was I settling with Jason?
“Ready?” Jason called, taking me away from the group.
“Yeah.”
We walked back to the Jeep and prepared for the movie.
“Wanna know some drive-in history facts?” Jason asked, giving me a smile that made things in me tight.
I ran my hands down my legs, wiping away the butter from the popcorn. “Sure.”
“Well, around the seventies, you had to attach a speaker to your car to hear the movie. There was a pole every two car lengths. They got rid of them because too many people forgot to put them back onto the pole after the films and drove off with the speaker.”
I winced. “Ouch.”
“Mmm-hmm. It caused a lot of damage to both parties.”
“That’s how we got the radio involved, right?”
“Yeah. Speaking of which, I should flip it to the right station.” He fiddled with the radio, turning it to the station our movies’ audio was going to come from.
“Any more wise facts?” I queried, taking a handful of popcorn. It was warm and gooey, just how I liked it.
“Hmm.” He playfully tapped his chin with his finger. “There used to be cartoons. They always played two movies back-to-back, and the drive-in was a great place to make out with your girl.”
“Fascinating,” I said, tossing a piece of popcorn into my mouth.
He dug into the bucket and took a handful. “I thought so.”
The screen turned white. The film was about to start. We sat in silence as it began with the camera focused on a busy street in New York City. We watched a new action-romance movie followed by a comedy-romance.
I leaned over to rest my head on Jason’s shoulder. He put his arm around me, trying not to hold me too close due to the popcorn between us. I looked up at him and kissed his firm lips. His mouth opened, letting me inside. The movie became a blur as we became the show to each other. If it wasn’t for the cars around us, we would’ve gone all the way.
Jason took me home, making sure I got in okay before driving off. I sighed, holding my heart from hammering out of my chest. It was official. I was Jason’s and he was mine.
Chapter Thirty-Two
I woke up happy, I’d say elated even. Was it love? I’d settle for a crush. Hormones and emotions could make certain feelings feel like love, even though they were temporary. Jason was still my summer boy, but one who’d found a way to last longer than the normal one-night stand.
Amelia was giddy as she cooked pancakes. She gushed about the new fas
hion line in her magazine. I ate my blueberry pancakes and made notes on some of the dresses I found attractive. Most were too out there or I couldn’t figure out how you’d put it on, let alone take it off.
“I love this dress.” Amelia pointed to a rose colored wedding dress. That made me a little antsy.
I tapped my finger on the gown and asked, “A wedding dress?”
“Mmm-hmm. We’re in our twenties, Syd. We need to start thinking about the important things in life.”
Next she’d be ranting about which crib was best.
She took the magazine to continue flipping through it and I went back to my food.
“I’ve always loved black wedding dresses myself,” I said while dipping a piece of pancake into a pool of syrup.
She stuck her tongue out. “That’s for funerals.”
I shrugged. “White is for virgins. I need another color.”
She clicked her tongue. “You could use a light pink or some other cool, airy color. Anything but black. Do you want to mourn what’s supposed to be the best day of your life?”
It was up for debate what was meant to be the best day of your life. Some said it was your wedding, others your child’s birth, and a few chimed in with graduations. Honestly, I wanted to live life while I still could walk and breathe. Anything could take you out of the game of life. A simple cut in a river could lead to a flesh eating virus that claimed your life or most of your limbs. It happened to one girl and it will happen again.
No one understood how I saw life. It was a double-edged sword, beautiful yet hideous. A person could finally win the lottery and die the next day. A woman could learn she’s pregnant and her husband is murdered getting her ice cream she craved at one in the morning. Just watching crime shows tell you how easy it is to snuff out the flame of life. Our souls linger inside our bodies by thin strings. A couple snips and it’s free for eternity.
Knowing life is precious, I didn’t want to waste my time on frivolous things like love. That was until Jason came into the picture and screwed everything up. He made me question my theories, made me wonder about love. Could I be wrong? Was I just so afraid of love that I convinced myself it was a childish fairytale?
Shades of Sydney (Sydney West #1) Page 19
