I dipped a fry into a pool of ketchup. “Well, I’ve never been to Italy, swam with sharks, or had true love’s first kiss.” I bit the fry and chewed. Damn it was good.
Jason spat his soda all over the table. “What was that last one?”
“I only say things once.” My cheeks burned as my heart kicked against my ribcage.
Why the hell did I say that?
“Wow, I—I don’t know…”
I needed the limelight off me. “What about you? Anything you want to try out?”
He grabbed his glass and pulled it closer to him. “Let me think…I want to win a surfing competition and graduate with good grades. Afterwards I want a nice job and to settle down with a woman who loves me for me.” Jason took the straw between his lips and took a sip of soda.
I raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t take you for the American dream kind of person. And for the record, I won a surfing competition before and I bet I could beat you.”
His poker face broke into a grin. “I’m kidding. I needed to break you from whatever spell you were in. I knew the Syd with all the theories and opinions was in there somewhere.” He pointed a fry at me. “And I could totally out surf you, trophy or no trophy.”
My lip curled upwards at the thought of a surfing contest between us. I toyed with my straw’s paper wrapper to avoid looking at him. “Spell? I’m not trapped in any spell. When I was a child, I thought of love, but growing up, it seemed false. It’s a dream to keep people running around for all time.”
His gaze took me in like I was some kind of fine masterpiece. They were deep pools, trying to pull me inside.
He said, “You talk so morbidly.”
“You should see my thoughts. They’re darker than night itself,” I replied, placing lettuce and pickles onto my burger.
“You’re like a mystery novel. The more I think I understand you, a new twist comes, turning everything around.” Jason looked at me while gathering his burger in his hands.
“I only have one question,” I said, avoiding the abyss of his gaze by focusing on placing my napkin in my lap.
He paused, not biting the burger. “That is…?”
To keep from looking at him I grabbed another fry, studying the salt crystals on it. “Do you like mystery novels?”
“The ones with good endings, I do.”
“What does a good ending mean to you? Describe it to me,” I said, consuming the fry and chewing the hell out of it.
He took a bite of his burger and sat it back on his plate. After swallowing he said, “It means all questions are answered and things are calm, make sense. The man saves the woman and they live happily ever after.”
A laugh bubbled out of me. “That’s so Hollywood style.”
“I know. Call me a hopeless romantic.”
My gaze locked on my burger, I poked it and said, “I wish I knew more about romance.”
Jason chewed another bite and said, “What happened to you? What started this anti-love spell in you?”
He went there again, saying a spell was cast upon me. Maybe I was cursed. I opened my mouth, then closed it again.
Could I tell Jason the truth about me?
“You have to promise me something first,” I said, trying to keep my voice strong.
“Anything,” he said, putting the burger on the plate and grabbing a fry.
“Promise you won’t use the info I tell you against me and you’ll never repeat it to a soul.”
“I swear to you everything you say will never be said again.”
His eyes told the truth. He was waiting to help me. All I had to do was hand him the broken bits of my heart. He was standing ready with the superglue.
“My parents never got along. I know you already know this, but there’s more to the story.” I took a sip of my soda and continued. “I think the rift started when I was born. My mom was all about me and didn’t care about what he needed anymore. My mom loved me too much and still does. She pushed my father away. They never spent enough time together. After a while, they started to fight. It got worse when money became tight. My father loved to go out and eat even if it took all the money in the bank. My mom freaked when her check to the grocery store bounced. Things then spiraled down further.”
I looked up to see Jason leaning in closer, watching me with those intense eyes. He took my hand in his, wishing for me to go on.
“My mom got a loan out on our house. My father planned to buy boats, motorcycles, and help out his friends with debts. He even took me to a place to pick out my future quad. I told my mom and she moved the money to another bank account as soon as it became liquid. That’s when the death threats started. He’d push her more and hit her, giving her bruises. He’s the only person I know who can piss himself off. When it was him and me, he’d be fine, happy even. As soon as my mom pulled into the driveway he was angry, telling her to get out of his house. This was around the time of the gun incident.”
“He was pissed because he didn’t get the money from the loan?” Jason questioned.
I waited for a group of teenagers to pass by our table before saying more. “Yeah, he stopped working for a couple years before the loan. He’d lay around like a useless bag of potatoes as my mom worked two jobs. He’d stay out all night and come home falling down drunk or fucked up from doing meth. He’d scream about no dinner and slam things to wake us up at two in the morning.”
Jason set his jaw and finally said, “Whoa, that’s—”
I closed my eyes, trying to press the memories away. “Insane. I know.”
“Syd, I know you were surrounded by domestic violence at an early age, but to use that as a reason not to believe in love isn’t a good enough reason. Love can be so many things,” he said, squeezing my fingers.
I took my hand from his and grabbed my soda, stirring it absentmindedly. “It’s not just that. My mom cried for years after. Said my father was supposed to love her forever. I had to be strong and let her weep on me. Love broke my mother. My grandma was obsessed with men when she was younger. She’d drag her four kids around for a man and let him abuse them. When my mom reported that her stepfather tried to touch her, all her mother said was she wanted it. Can you fucking believe that?”
Jason’s jaw dropped. “What?”
I curled my fingers into a strand of my dirty blonde hair. “My life is twisted. It’s like a bunch of random events from different Lifetime movies.”
All Jason did was shake his head. He was speechless.
I continued. “Then, in school, I learned about the science of love. The television shows and books showed other examples of love gone wrong. I swore to myself at a young age I’d never give my heart away. It was locked away in ice, hidden from the world. I wanted to live alone and have a lot of cats when I was old and gray. Then my hormones kicked in, so I changed the deal. I’d have meaningless sex and never give away my heart. It worked out for a while. That is, until I met you.”
Jason gaped like a fish before collecting himself. “Well, I can now gather what made you want to hide away, but what did I do?”
I took a bite of my burger to buy more time. After dabbing my chin, I added more to my rant. “You fought for me. After all the boys I dropped, you’re the only one with the balls to claw your way back.”
“I must admit I do have awesome balls,” Jason replied, giving me that grin I loved. It still melted the ice around my heart, even when he had barbecue sauce on his face.
My lips bent into a smile. “With that badass lip ring, you’re unstoppable.”
“You think?” he asked, touching his new ring with his thumb.
“Does it hurt?”
His tongue nudged it. “A little.”
We finished eating and Miss Slut bid Jason adieu. In the car Jason turned the radio down. I watched buildings, cars, and people pass by. After some time Jason cleared his throat.
“Thank you for opening up to me. I know that was hard for you.”
I closed my eyes. “No one knows w
hat I told you. Amelia knows some, but not as much as you.”
He took my left hand and squeezed it. “You’re safe with me. I’d never endanger your heart.”
“I pray you’re right because you’re uncovering it day by day.”
“I am?”
“I’ve never been this emotional. My go-to emotion is to be stone cold. Yet with you I want to melt in your arms and forget the world.”
He lifted my hand, kissing it softly. “It would mean the world to me to prove how much I care about you.”
Jason spent the night at my place. I let him into my bed and cried on his chest. All my built up feelings of loss, pain, and anger came out and Jason embraced them all. For once I cried and had someone be the strong one for me.
Chapter Thirty-Four
As the days and weeks went by, the four of us became best friends. Amelia missed me and Hunter missed Jason, so we became a group. There were nights where it would just be the two of us. I finally understood what Amelia meant. It was charming to only have one guy in life. You could give in to them and have them be there for you. When we were all together we’d play board games and get wasted in the comfort of my beach house. Nothing could beat that. Partying with them was far better than a club any night.
***
Two days. Then summer was over. It went by too damn fast, as if I blinked and weeks flew by. Soon I’d be driving home, back to dorm life and work. My family drama was going to be impossible to avoid and there’d be no Jason.
There’s been a lot of back and forth when it came to Jason, but I did finally feel something for him. Maybe it was love, I didn’t know for sure, but with my summer burning on embers I didn’t think I’d learn if it was.
Amelia took the news the hardest. She hasn’t let poor Hunter go in a week. I was surprised she hasn’t suffocated him yet. I saw them trying the long distance thing and failing or getting hitched in the coming hours. I wasn’t a fan of either one because I’d be the one to pick up the pieces of Amelia’s broken heart. For the time being, I shouldn’t think of such things. Just live in the moment. Someone had once said that to me and I wanted to live by it.
“Syd, did you hear me?” Jason shook my shoulder, trying to wake me from my daze.
“W—what?”
“I said we should all go down to the beach tonight. I hear there’s going to be a farewell party there.”
Party on the beach. Normally I’d jump on that, but lately parties weren’t me. They only brought trouble.
“You don’t think we should hang as a group of four here?”
“What’s wrong with you, Syd? You never decline a party!” Amelia peeled herself from Hunter to feel my forehead for a fever. “You don’t feel feverish.”
I shrugged her off. “Never said I was.”
“I think it will be fun,” Hunter chimed in, wrapping an arm around Amelia.
“It would be like old times,” Jason added, mocking me. He knew the old me and how I was tearing myself away from her piece by piece.
My teeth slid over my bottom lip. “If all of you are for it, then I guess I’m in.”
“Gee, you don’t have to sound so enthusiastic about it,” Amelia said, nudging me.
“It’s settled, we’re going. Better get ready if we’re going to be there by sunset,” Jason said.
We all departed from my living room and changed into our bathing suits. I studied myself in the mirror. My body still looked the same in my tight blue flowered bikini, but inside I was different. Jason had done something to me, turned me inside out.
***
The beach was already packed when we got there. The sun slipped into an ocean of cotton candy pink and starburst orange. The air felt light and salty. Oh, how I’d miss breathing in the sweet scent of the ocean.
Hunter took Amelia out surfing, leaving Jason and me alone, lying on a beach towel. People down the beach were cooking and building a bonfire.
“Do you wanna go for a run?” I asked, wishing to take in every moment of the warm sand.
Jason sat up. “Sure. Bet you can’t catch me.”
“I think it’s the other way around.” Before Jason had a chance to answer, I ran for it. He gave chase. I felt like Jerry being hunted by Tom.
Ocean foam tickled my ankles and sand stuck to the soles of my feet. Jason’s breathing grew louder. He closed the distance between us quickly. My hair stuck to my face due to sweat. The goal was the beach bar up ahead, but I wasn’t going to make it. Jason tackled me, taking me down to the moist sand.
“Got’cha!” he shouted.
I laughed, rolling on top of him. “Pinned ya!”
His hands were on my arms. They snaked their way up to my back. I was pushed down to Jason’s awaiting lips. A few whistles and crude comments came from passersby as we made out.
“I still don’t understand how you got me,” I said, releasing Jason.
He stood and offered his hand to me. As we walked along the beach, our fingers interlocked. “I told you you’d fall for me.”
I pushed him. “I haven’t completely fallen, not yet, but I’ll admit the ground I’m on is getting pretty unsteady.”
He squeezed my hand. “In time, in time.”
I kicked at the sand. “Our time is up. I’m going home in two days and I still need to pack.”
“There is such a thing as a telephone and e-mail.”
A couple embraced each other a few feet from us. I studied them before turning away. “I know that, but long distance never works out.”
With his thumb, Jason released a piece of hair stuck to my cheek. “Says the girl who thought love was only in fairytales.”
“I still stand by that statement.”
Jason stopped, placing both his hands on my shoulders. “If you still think love is an illusion, what do you think we are?”
I looked everywhere but at Jason. “The jury is still out on that.”
He cupped my chin, forcing me to look at him. “What more do I have to do?”
His eyes made me want to melt into a puddle. “I—I don’t know. It takes longer than a summer to create love.”
“Aww, figured you were someone who didn’t believe in love at first sight,” he said sarcastically.
“Love is created and built. What you get when you first see someone is lust. People confuse the two all the time.”
“I’ll agree with you there. But are you at least open to the fact love could exist in the real world?”
I bit my lip, searching for the right words to say. “Since being with you, I want to.”
He gave a grim smile. “I guess that’s a start.”
Jason took my hand again and we strolled back down the beach. Amelia and Hunter joined us as we went to invade the party and steal some food.
“Hey, babe, wanna come home with me?” A guy brushed up against me as I got everyone shots. Looking at the tray I was holding, it did look like the old me. She would get shitfaced and sleep with whoever suited her needs, but I wasn’t her anymore.
The guy was tall, tattooed, and had the swell of a chest that would make any girl swoon. He would be someone the old me would fuck, but the new me wanted to get back to her friends.
“No, I’m with someone,” I replied in a voice meant to be sweet.
“You think you’re too good for me?” he questioned, moving to block my exit.
Lovely, a guy with anger issues.
“Is there a problem here?” Jason asked, leaping to my rescue. It was strange to have a man to lean on. I was used to taking care of myself.
“No. There might be, though,” the guy answered.
Jason took my arm, guiding me to the table. My back was to the angry dude, but Jason never turned away. He kept his eye on him until we were seated. If he was trying to play hero to win my heart, it was annoying, yet kind of charming.
The man gave up and moved on. After we drank our fill, the four of us laughed and danced on the sand under the full moon and a handful of silver stars. Never before ha
d I been to a party like that. It wasn’t memorable in the sense of special effects, such as fireworks and rock stars, but it had something else. Friends. Why did I never see it before? What fun was a party without friends?
I always went to parties alone and left with strangers. The next morning, I came home hung over and needed to find someone new to party with that night. Having friends made me feel carefree. I could be myself.
When Jason kissed me under the moon with the ocean crashing behind us, I felt like I was in heaven. I knew he cared for me as a person and wasn’t trying to get into my pants to add another notch in his belt. With him, it was real.
Amelia snapped photos with her phone throughout the night. Later I’d make copies and print them to add to my summer album. The pictures of the four of us were going to be my all-time favorites.
A slow song began to play. Jason and I swayed to the tempo. I closed my eyes, falling into the music.
Then he shattered my peace.
Jason held me against his chest and whispered, “You know I’ve never felt like this for any other girl. You don’t have to say anything now…I just want to say this…I love you, Sydney.”
My stomach fell to my feet and my heart cut off my breathing.
What did he say? Please God tell me he didn’t just say the big L word, the one most girls would die to hear and the word I fear the most.
I buried my face into his neck, hoping to burn the scent into my memory forever. I loved the way Jason held me. It was so gentle, so intimate, and so sweet. Yes, it was almost written in stone. Jason was in love with me, but did I love him? I wasn’t sure. All my thoughts were muddled. Could someone like me fall in love?
There was no answer I could say that would satisfy him. The big L word wasn’t in my vocabulary yet. Silence was the best. He released me and I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him with all the passion inside me.
At first he didn’t let me in, but when he caved I took my chance. I never kissed anyone with such fire. Our tongues tangled into one muscle. For a heartbeat I held Jason close to my aching heart, kissing him like he was the air I needed to breathe.
Shades of Sydney (Sydney West #1) Page 21
