by Anna Antonia
All to Love You
Anna Antonia
Published by DelSin Publishing, LLC 2014
Copyright © 2014 Anna Antonia
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission from DelSin Publishing, LLC. DelSin Publishing, LLC and the author assume no liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Published by:
DelSin Publishing, LLC
www.delsinpublishing.com
Cover Credits: Andrey Kiselev
Cover Design: CGM Web Designs
TABLE of CONTENTS
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
More Titles
About Anna
Love will find a way through paths where wolves fear to prey.
—Lord Byron
ONE
We were back at the beginning. Changed and unchanged.
I looked out the window, seeing the beautiful blue skies dotted with dark, ominous clouds. Nervousness thrummed through my body. I had the urge to pace across the floor but remained pinned to my chair.
It wouldn’t do to pull away at this time. It would make Gabriel unhappy to think I wasn’t excited about this.
Maybe I indulged him too much.
Then again, I didn’t have wonder if he indulged me. I knew he did.
The past few months had changed everything in my life for the better. And the worse. The mundane parts of myself became beautiful beneath Gabriel’s gaze. The weaker parts of myself came to light under the very same gaze.
At times it was difficult, excruciating even, to be seen so thoroughly, especially by someone who loved me as much as Gabriel did.
My gaze was drawn to the door.
He awaited me on the other side.
Excitement mixed with nervousness. I shifted slightly in my chair. My body responded to the combination as it usually did. Considering my current company, it wasn’t the most ideal of situations but I’d cope because today was a very special day.
I was getting married to the most wonderful man in the world.
Looking back, I would’ve perhaps preferred it to be less chaotic during the end and less painful during the beginning, but I wouldn’t change a single thing. Everything Gabriel and I had gone through, big and small, led us to this day.
It could storm and hail today and it wouldn’t take away from the perfection of the occasion. Gabriel and I were going to exchange our vows. How could anything be more perfect?
I learned many lessons throughout my courtship. I learned that I was stronger than I imagined and that it was okay to be vulnerable. Losing control wasn’t the end of the world and could be freeing in the right circumstances.
But the most important thing I learned about was love and family. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for my family.
My hand went to my belly.
It’s time.
TWO
Three Weeks Earlier
Emma’s Apartment
I set the video camera down on the breakfast bar. I probably could’ve recorded myself with my phone a lot more quickly and easily, but I wanted to leave something physical behind to bear witness to my desertion.
Unlike most things in my life so far, I didn’t give myself much time to think about what I would say to Gabriel. Every moment since I gave Lucas what he wanted had been methodical and bloodless. This at least could be real and messy. Just like life.
A belief I’d happily suspended for the last week.
Shame on me.
I pressed the red button and walked back into the empty living room.
“Gabriel…” My voice echoed loudly. I cleared my throat and started again, much softer. “Gabriel, you’ll probably know what I’ve done before you land in Melbourne.” I couldn’t hold my rigid posture any longer. My shoulders bowed, curved from the burden of what I was going to say.
“There’s no easy way to say this so I won’t even try. I love you and because I love you I’m leaving. I won’t ask you to forgive me because I wouldn’t if I were you.” My gaze flicked away from the mechanical eye. “I broke my promises to you, but I want you to know that I meant them when I said them. I really did want to stay with you forever. And ever.”
Emotion made it hard to keep from bursting into noisy tears. I’d already spent a half hour curled up on the floor, crying my eyes out for walking away from the only man I’d ever loved.
Again.
I had to be strong. I couldn’t let it show how much this was tearing me up. I brushed the back of my hand quickly across my pale face. “You’re probably angrier with me than you’ve ever been before and I don’t blame you. Still, I’ll take your anger, your h-hatred, as long as you get to keep your life as it is.”
Gabriel hating me was the one experience I’d yet to live through. My throat closed up with horror.
Once again rage burned through my veins. It wasn’t fair that this had to happen. Why did I have to give Gabriel up? Why did Lucas have so much power over us that he could casually upend my life like this?
Why did it have to turn out this way?
I suddenly remembered Gabriel’s melancholy lament of “I always pay for it, one way or another,” and how I’d naively told him how “You never have to pay for love.” My eyes closed and my lips curled in disappointment. Despite my poverty-stricken youth and street smarts, Gabriel had truly been wiser in the ways of the world.
It had no choice but to end like this. We live in different worlds…and while it was a beautiful dream, somebody had to finally wake up. I won’t let Gabriel sacrifice everything for me. I’m not worth it and I’m terrified of the day he’d realize it, especially after it was too late.
I looked back at the camera. Already I felt as if I’d aged a decade in the last minute. The futility of my anger instantly robbed me of strength. What was the point of railing against Lucas when I’d already made this decision?
Gabriel needed this final show of strength from me—even if neither of us would ever want it on our own.
I fisted my hands and pleaded, “I can’t let you lose everything you’ve worked so hard for, Gabriel. You don’t deserve that and if loving me means that’s the price you’d have to pay—then I can’t…won’t…let you pay it.”
Although I was staring at a piece of equipment, I felt as if Gabriel was standing right in front of me. Just imagining the betrayal on his face made me feel as if my heart was being pulled out, inch by bloody inch.
“I know you asked me to trust you. I did…I still do…but I also know that when it comes to me, you’d do anything for me. That’s why I can’t let you do that.”
Looking down, I struggled to find the inner power to say what needed to be said.
“Soon you’ll see I was right. There’s
a ton of people depending on you, Gabriel. I know you care about that, about them. The man you are would never put your happiness above theirs. So I hope that when you think of me, you find a way not to hate me and maybe, one day, understand that I did this for you.” I clasped my hands. “It was the only thing I could do for you, for the man who has everything. I love you, Gabriel, and I want to thank you for loving me back and giving me such beautiful memories.”
My tears momentarily blinded me to everything but the mechanical witness to my confession.
“I know I can’t hide from you, and I’m not trying to, so please respect my decision. I don’t want you to come after me and I don’t want you to try to change my mind.”
Liar!
“I want you to move forward. I mean, we did it before, right? And we’ve been together for what? Not even a month.”
It may have been only a month but it was a month that had irrevocably changed the course of my life. I felt sick just even trying to downplay what Gabriel and I had shared.
“Stop. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. It’s not just a month for me. It was the best month of my entire life. I’ll never forget it even though I’m sure there will be times I wish I could if only so it doesn’t hurt so much.”
I coughed and turned away. My eyes burned with grief and fatigue. Only when I was sure my composure had returned did I dare face the camera again.
“I know I’ve already apologized for what I said that day when you came to see me. You know…after we…after we made love for the first time.” My chin lifted up. “I was lying through my teeth during that whole speech. Some part of me knew I wasn’t just a notch on your belt. I was so scared that I’d love you forever and I was even more afraid that you couldn’t possibly love me for that long. And…”
I coughed weakly. I couldn’t see through my tears anymore.
“And…now I need that to be true. I need you to move on without me. This has all been about what I want and I’m sorry for that, but I have to make this last request. Please take care of yourself and when you do find that special someone…”
My voice gave out. I took a moment to calm myself, knowing if I spoke the dam holding back my emotions would disintegrate and let out a flood.
“When you do find that special someone, please know I’ll be happy for you. Really. I’ll be happy because I want you to have the family you always dreamed of, the kids, the wife, the dog—all of it. You more than deserve it, Gabriel, because you’re such a good, good man. The best I’ve ever known.”
The tears rolled down unchecked. I didn’t have the energy to wipe them away as I swayed on my feet. What would he think of my confessions? Would Gabriel keep the tape as a memento of our time together or would he trash it? Would my words be able to reach him?
“Take care of yourself, Gabriel, and thank you so much for letting me into your life. I’m really glad I got a chance to meet your mom. I still have her books. I can give them back…” My voice faded. I couldn’t very well meet up with him if she wanted them back in her possession. “I’ll just leave them in your apartment. Please thank Marie for me, but it wouldn’t be right for me to keep them after this.”
The final words needed to be said. I drew in a fortified breath.
“Okay, umm…bye.”
It was done. I walked briskly towards the camera and shut it off. Leaning against the counter, I struggled to draw breath over the acute pain ricocheting in my chest. The urge to erase the tape clanked in my mind. I could do it, make it like I never said the words to sever me from my love.
All I had to do was look around me to know that it was too late. Nothing could go back to the way it was. Even if I hired new movers and had everything deposited right back in my apartment, there was still Lucas. He would never leave Gabriel alone as long as I was in the picture.
I had to do this.
Go now—before you change your mind and making a bigger mess of things.
My mind went blank long enough for me to gather the last of my things and lock up the apartment. I took the final walk between our apartments and let myself in. Once again my watery gaze jumbled up everything around me. Still, I managed to set the camera down on his coffee table. I went back to my car for the books and then set them on the couch.
I didn’t allow myself the bittersweet luxury of taking one last look around me.
It was over.
THREE
“Mom! I’m home!” Closing and locking the door, I stepped immediately into the small living room. Everything looked the same. The couch, armchairs, side tables, and coffee table, were all castoffs from one of my mother’s nicer employers back when I was in 7th grade.
I remembered how excited she was to show them off to me. I also remembered the bitterness in my gut that she had to rely on the generosity of strangers. From that day forward, I swore I’d buy her a beautiful house filled with brand new furniture when I grew up. I would take care of her so she’d never have to be at the mercy of anyone else—good or bad.
Funny how some things stuck with you.
“Emma?”
My mom, Eliza Adams, came out of the kitchen and tossed a dishtowel over her shoulder. She put her hands on her slim hips and grinned. Her smile, so much like mine, showed twin dimples. The effect was everything it’d always been—I was finally home.
Dropping my purse, I rushed her. My arms clasped her back and I squeezed her like I used to when she came back from work. Except back then the top of my head barely grazed her waist.
Her hands patted my back lightly. “Hey you. You okay?”
I closed my eyes and shuddered. “Mom…” What was I going to say?
“Emma, what’s going on?”
Guilt pricked me when I heard the worry in her voice. I didn’t come here to dump my problems on her. She had enough worries of her own. I pulled away and stitched a careful smile.
“Why does anything have to be wrong? Can’t a girl come home to see the best mom in the world?”
“She can. Her mom still wants to know what’s wrong though.”
When I stood there, gaze avoiding hers, she sighed and said, “Come on, Emma. I’m almost done with the dishes.”
Trailing after her like a baby duck follows its momma, I knew the peace I was looking for wasn’t going to be found here after all. I was never going to really share everything that was ripping my heart apart.
I wouldn’t want my mom to worry. She’d always had enough on her plate to deal with—she definitely didn’t need my woes.
“Park it, Em.” My mom pointed at the tiny kitchen table and waited until I slid into the cherry-red seat. “Now tell me your job is going.”
Definitely don’t want to go there.
“It’s been going well.”
“Are you still working crazy overtime?”
I shook my head. “No, that’s slowed down.”
“You weren’t getting overtime for it, were you?”
“No. I’m salary, Mom.”
She shrugged and turned back to her dishes. “Too bad. The overtime would’ve been nice, huh?”
“Yes. It would.” I watched her, much like I’d watched her years before. I’d sit at this very table, a castoff of my great-grandmother’s—which at the time seemed so horribly old-fashioned but was surprisingly back in vogue—and do my homework. We’d talk and work at the same time.
It was a nice memory. Both of us striving towards a better future at the same time. Then it was all about work. My mother didn’t date and neither did I.
Until now…
I wondered how and if I would share anything about Gabriel. It seemed wrong to bring up the man I’d always loved only to say that I wasn’t with him anymore.
My thoughts went to my purse with the turned off cell phone. How many times had Gabriel called me? I’d left my empty apartment behind seven hours before. Maybe I should’ve sent him a message at least? For all I knew, he was frantic with worry.
Then again maybe Gabriel knew exactly wher
e I was thanks to my ever-present security detail. They weren’t going to be mine for much longer though. My fingers tightened into a fist. Why did that bother me? I’d only met them once and spent all my time trying to pretend they didn’t exist.
It bothers you because it’s one of the last ties to Gabriel. The thought of breaking it hurts and you’re already tired of hurting. What do you think tonight is going to be like? Tomorrow? Next week? Next year?
I couldn’t let myself think like this. It would undo everything I’d already done today. The ties were already cut. Nothing could ever piece them back again.
Holding my emotions in now felt like an impossible task. I didn’t want to ignore the itchiness of my eyes and nose or the knot in my throat. I wanted to share, to tell my mother what I’d had to do, but a lifetime of holding in my pain and problems couldn’t be broken so easily.
Still, this was one time I wished it could.
“Em?”
Distracted from my maudlin thoughts, I answered quickly. “Yes?”
“Can you get the floor for me?”
“Sure.” I jumped up and found the broom and dustpan in the tiny utility closet. The familiar work loosened me from my thoughts. Keeping busy had always been good for me. My relief disappeared as it came. Somehow I didn’t think it would work this time and if it did—what did that say about me?
That you’re emotionally closed off and stunted maybe?
My mom moved the chairs away from the table so I could sweep there and then she leaned against the wall and watched me work in silence.
“I’ve never intruded in your life, Emma, have I?”
I drew up, fisting tightening around the broom’s handle. “No.”
“I’ve always trusted you, right?”
“Yes.” I knew I wasn’t going to like what she was going to say next.
“What’s going on with you and Gabriel?”
The air exploded out of me. I had to sit down. “How do you know about Gabriel?” She shrugged and smiled, telling me everything and nothing all at once. I recognized the motion as my own. No wonder Gabriel demanded me to be verbal. Panic pushed hard on me. “Mom, please. This is serious. How do you know?”
