At the end of my 3rd day of depression, I think Carl had had enough.
"Just call her," Carl suggested.
“Oh please, I can’t do that.”
"Yes, you can. Everybody screws up. You didn't give up on her when she went through that party phase. You never know. She might give you a second chance."
He was probably right. But I couldn’t muster up enough courage to do it. I just accepted the fact that I was going to be miserable, and that it was all my fault.
***
That night, I laid awake, not being able to sleep, same as every other night ever since the big fiasco.
Suddenly, the doorbell rings. I jolt up and look at the digital clock by my bed. 2:30am. Who the hell was at my door at this time of night. I put on a robe and make my way to the door. New York at night can be kind of sketchy, but I open the door anyway. Right in front of me stands Rachel. Her makeup is destroyed and it looks like she's been sobbing for hours.
I stand frozen, my mind going in a million different directions.
“I can’t leave you,” Rachel says desperately.
My heart overflows with joy and regret and every other emotion known to man. “Rachel, I’m so sorry. You were the only good thing in my life and I lied and I cheated on Tom and I…”
Rachel steps inside and kisses me.
“I can’t imagine living without you,” Rachel barely gets the words out without crying.
“I can’t stop thinking about you, and how I hurt you,” I start crying as well.
“Forget the past,” Rachel says as she closes the door behind her and carries me into my apartment and lays me on the bed. We both take off our clothes, but this time it’s not with fire or something out of an erotic novel. We rather look at each other with adoration and desire, appreciating each other’s every flaw.
I missed her body against mine. It felt so right. And as we spent those passionate moments together, we realized that even though everything ahead of us would be new and so unbelievably scary, we wanted to go through it together and needed each other to survive.
THE END
Freshman Year
~ Bonus Story ~
A First Time Lesbian Romance
Katia
I was anxious about going to varsity, not wanting to leave me parents. The farm life in Kansas dealt with me perfectly, and I really wanted nothing but to stay around the familiar. I had got a scholarship to study at Westwick, though, and so I knew that I had to go. My parents were so proud of me, too, that there was no way that I was not going to go.
Upon arrival at the university, I met Sam. She was worldly, and clearly from a bigger town than me. I was about to discover a lot more about myself, because of this meeting with my extremely open-minded roommate…
Sam
Westwick wasn’t my first choice, but my parents had insisted that I go to college. With my high-school track record, it was the first college to accept me, and so I had to take it. I just hoped that I would find the type of people there that would be conducive to the lifestyle I had started to live.
I was lesbian. Not really by design but life had made me that way. When I met my roommate, Katia, I really hoped that she was open. I was soon discover that she would be a hard nut to crack, though, but I was determined, and I knew that I would get between her thighs before the semester was over…
* * *
Chapter One
I knew that I would miss everything about Kansas. Growing up with the freedom of a country girl meant that I could go fishing and climb trees, ride horses and lie under a starry sky without a care in the world.
New Hampshire would be different. College life would be different. I was afraid that I too would be different, somehow changed by all the vices and temptations of Westwick. But, I had received a full scholarship to study American History, and my parents were really very proud of me.
I had to go.
“Honey, you’ll be just fine. Who knows, you might even like it. And if you don’t, you’ll be back in six months and we can talk all about it!” My mother was really more like my best friend. She was my best friend. I think I hated leaving her most of all.
“I know mom,” I said, stuffing the last of my jumpers into my bag. I really packed very lightly. ‘Make for an easier escape,’ I told myself, half in jest, half not.
I tried to sound as sure as I could, noticing the tears forming in my mother’s big brown eyes. She had probably noticed mine too, but said nothing. Eagerly, more eagerly than I actually was, I stuffed the remainder of my belongings into my bag and tried to appear as excited as I could.
“Katia, Katia, Katia,” my dad said as he hurricaned into the room. He really was excited. He was also very proud, having said so several times a day since I got my scholarship letter. Pulling me close, he kissed the top of my head, whispering my name a further three times, just for effect. I’m still not sure how I was saddled with such an exotic name, coming from a farming community in Kansas’s back of beyond, but my father was really proud of this name. I suspected he was the originator of it.
My dad had always had lofty ambitions for me, it seemed.
“All done,” I said, sliding out of his grip and embracing my mother hard. She had started to cry now.
“There, there Linda, there’ll be plenty of time for tears in New Hampshire. But we’ve got to get going if we’re going to get our baby settled in before tonight,” he said, kissing my mother on the cheek so that he wiped her tears away with his lips. I loved how affectionate my parents were with one another. And they were totally unapologetic about it, too.
We arrived at Westwick just after four, and thanks to y information pack, we found the dorm rooms easily. I would be sharing with a girl named Samantha Howard. That was all the information I had on her, and I secretly hoped that she too was a farm girl. New Hampshire was beautiful. Westwick College was beautiful. But I was already feeling so far out of my depth that I really needed just one thing to be familiar to me. When Samantha burst into the room, though, I knew immediately that she was anything but rural.
“Katia? Hello. I’m Sammy. These must be your parents. Don’t worry, I’m going to take the best care of her. Which side of the room do you prefer? Personally, I like the corner furthest from the window. I hate morning light!” Sammy seemed to rattle off in one long continuous sentence so that you weren’t sure if she expected you to respond.
My parents greeted her politely, and then thought it best to leave me to get settled in. Actually, my dad couldn’t wait to get my mother as far away as possible, the waterworks threatening an encore. I hugged them fiercely outside the building and then watched them leave, get into a cab and drive off. Then, I took a deep breath, and went back inside to deal with my new life.
Of course I had no conversation for Sammy, who seemed like she had enough chatter for twenty people. Where I was from, people spoke slower, processed, and then responded accordingly. She didn’t seem to care much for real conversation so I just let her speak, nodding and mouthing the occasional yes, until she eventually left me alone.
After Sammy left I sat on my bed under the window and just cried. I had to. I couldn’t help it. I thought of my home and my friends. I thought of my brothers, and especially my parents. She came back into the room smelling of cigarette smoke and I remembered how much I hated cigarettes. But she was quiet suddenly, not saying a word to me.
It took me twenty minutes to figure out why!
“I’m sorry, this is all new to me,” I said sheepishly, hoping that this would give some sort of indication that I wasn’t that un-socialized so as not to realize that I had offended someone.
“So you’re not a snob? Thank god! I thought your folks were rich or something and you thought you were too good to have a simple conversation with me… But now that that’s out of the way, we have got to get ready for tonight…” she said, pulling her many bags apart.
“What’s happening tonight?” I asked, checking my information pack again.
>
“The Fresher Mixer, silly. Now we have got to get you out of those pigtails,” she said, freeing my hair as she spoke. Then she held my face in her hands and looked at it for a long time.
“What is it?” I asked, concerned.
“Oh, nothing. You’re a blank canvas. I can work with a blank canvas,” she said, pulling me to her suddenly and kissing my full on my mouth. The kiss lingered, and I was suddenly warm, my face flushed. I couldn’t move.
She pulled away from me and went to get her makeup bag. The confusion on my face must have been visible, because Sammy just smiled at me and said, “Don’t worry, we’re going to be the best of roommates…”
Chapter Two
Sam applied makeup to my face and then used wet-wipes to remove the traces of her handy work. Then she tried again, again removing the paint from my face in long downward strokes. Then she must have got it just right, because she moved away from my face, and smiled.
“There we go. I think I’ve discovered your colors,” she said lifting me off the chair without allowing me to look at myself in the mirror. We needed to shower first before she proceeded with her final efforts on my face. I knew it wouldn’t take longer the second time around, because she had sort of got the hang on my face.
As soon as we got out of the shower and had moisturized sufficiently Sam pulled two dresses from her bag that didn’t need ironing. She chose a light blue summer dress for herself, which was perfect for her because the color seemed to suit her perfectly. I was stuck with the olive green number, as short, which made me very uncomfortable. But she insisted, and I wore it, noticing though that her eyes were on my long before the dress slipped over my tiny frame.
There was something going on here, something that I didn’t understand. She seemed not only to be interested in me, but intrigued, and I really didn’t know why. She looked very good in her dress, but I was certainly not giving her as much attention as she was giving me.
“I don’t really like parties,” I said to her suddenly, and she squinted.
“Look, you owe me. Let’s go, just for one drink, and then you can leave if you want. Me, I’m planning to turn up before the year starts. This is the one time that think that we can really just let our hair down…” she said, looking at me like she was a little disappointed. I knew then that I was going to have to stay there and leave with her. My only consolation was that most of the people in attendance would be freshers as well, so we would all really be in the same boat.
She held up a mirror to my face when she was done with my makeup and I had to look twice. I didn’t even recognize myself. There were three colors layering my eyes, various shades of green, and my cheeks were bronzed, the subtlest hints of gold. The boldness of my lips shocked me the most. A dark brown, almost black, framed too perfectly with brown eyeliner. Sam really should have chosen to work in Hollywood as a makeup artist, I thought. Or perhaps New York Fashion Week.
After a few liberal strokes on her own face, much less than my own, she was ready to leave. I couldn’t help but feel like she thought my face needed a lot more work than hers. I wasn’t sure if this was true though, my freshness being something I had always considered to be my redeeming quality.
She stood me up and examined me in much the same way a doctor would, or maybe the buyer at an exclusive brothel, not that I had any frame of reference for the latter. I felt exposed and extremely vulnerable in that moment, and I just wanted to get out of the room. I still could not make sense of what was happening with Sam. I knew that I was not into women. I knew that there was nothing about me that gave even the slightest hint of this interest. But the way Sam looked at me made me doubt myself. And this doubt made me feel more than a little uncomfortable.
“Shall we go?” she asked, finally. I was grateful, and walked out of the room first. I figured that if we were in a crowd then the stares I was getting from Sam would disappear somewhat. This was not something that I wanted to address, not so soon into the first year of varsity. But if the need arose, than I would have to say something.
As we walked the few lanes to the party venue the campus was abuzz. There seemed to be a lot of first year students all over the place, so much so that I actually thought that today was just for us new comers. Being the new kid on the block suddenly didn’t feel too bad, even though my dress was riding so far up my thighs that I was getting more and more self-conscious as we approached the frat house.
“Are you ready?” Sam asked, when we stood outside.
“Not really,” I said, looking at the many people on the front lawn, all drinking, some of them already huddled in couples.
My head was really spinning, because I had never been to a party like this, the biggest event I had attended up until now being my prom. The prom was very ordered though, very structured, and so very, very predictable. I knew somehow that predictable was the last thing that this particular event was going to be.
“Let’s go… You’ll be fine… Besides, I’m here,” Sam said, and she led me up the stairs through the large double doors that opened onto what I can only describe as a hectic state of affairs.
My discomfort morphed quickly into anxiety, and when Sam pushed a glass of beer into my hands, this anxiety became fear. I had never tasted alcohol before. I was still too young to drink. I was sure that most of the other people at the party were too young to drink, but this didn’t seem to bother them, not in the least.
I held the cup tightly, but I had absolutely no intention to drink it. The one thing I had was my principles, and I intended to hold on to them for as long as I possibly could.
Chapter Three
“Yellow,” a voice said behind me. Sam was suddenly gone, and I was looking around wildly, needing her now.
“Hi,” I said, looking behind me for the first time.
“So, you’re new here,” he asked, more a statement though, then a question.
“Obviously,” I said, and I looked into my glass, no intention to drink it, but needing the safety of the glass. It was really a cushion for me, and I wished that it wasn’t alcohol in the glass. It was, though, and so I just had to stare at it.
“You’re a feisty one aren’t you?” he asked, and he sipped his glass. I knew that it was alcohol, and I knew that he was drinking. I wasn’t sure how old he was, so I figured that I would not judge him, just yet.
“Not really. I’ve just got a low tolerance for stupidity,” I responded before I could stop myself. Why was I being so aggressive, I wondered?
“Let’s go somewhere private to discuss my stupidity,” he said, and I was suddenly confused. Varsity men were very aggressive.
“I’m Katia,” I said, trying to slow him down a little bit.
“Brett,” he said, extending his hand and coming out in front of me at the same time. I took his hand, and really wanted to drop the glass in my hand. It was irritating me somewhat, and I just wanted it gone. Brett was actually very, very attractive, and I wanted to focus on him completely. I didn’t want him want him. He was just a welcome distraction from the absence of Sam.
He took my arm and led me towards the stairs. I didn’t even resist him, knowing that I was not going to let things go any further than I wanted to. There were parts of me as yet untouched by man, and I did not intend for these parts to be touched tonight. I thought of my faux boyfriend back home, now attending a varsity on the other side of the country. His voice would be a comfort to me now. But I knew that Greg was probably involved in his own welcome affair at his own university.
He pushed me into a room, and it was empty. We were obviously among the first to have this idea. Brett was actually the one with the idea, and I was just going with it. I pulled away from him as soon as we were in the room, especially when he tried to kiss me.
“Stupidity,” I said, wanting to bring him back to the conversation that he had suggested when we were down stairs.
“Stupidity,” he said, and again he tried to kiss me. I was having none of it though, and I walked over to th
e window. There was a hive of activity in the backyard, another welcome distraction for this distraction.
“I think that this isn’t going to end the way you anticipate,” I said at last. It was obvious what he wanted, and I wasn’t down for it. I needed to get out of here now, and go and find Sam. He held me hard and found my lips. Admittedly, I kissed him back, for just a little while. Then I pulled away, and left him alone in the room. He would just have to deal with his problem by himself.
I bumped into Sam in the corridor. She pulled me and walked me down the corridor a little further. She tried to go into a room, but I pulled away. What was going on here, I wondered. Varsity students were really the horniest bunch of individuals I had ever come across.
“You know, Westwick wasn’t my first choice,” she said as we walked down the stairs.
“Really?” I said, wanting her to continue this line of conversation that seemed to have nothing to do with getting underneath my dress. There was really way too much going on around me, and I needed some space.
“Nope, but my parents insisted that I get an education. My high-school career wasn’t exactly exemplary, and so I just had to choose the first institution that would put up with my mess,” she said, and she seemed to drink from her glass.
No judgement, I told myself, again, for the millionth time.
“Excuse me,” she said suddenly, and she walked towards a group of girls in the corner. I thought I knew what was going on here, but still I tried not to think on it too much. I started to look for a bathroom, needing to breathe without wanting to look like I was being a party pooper.
I saw a door that seemed to have a lot of traffic. There were too many people there for me to make a beeline for this door, but I really needed an escape. I looked for the front door, and found this one also a little too occupied. Jesus, there had to be another bathroom in this house. Surely they weren’t limited to just this one, because that would make absolutely no sense.
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