I turned on the television, hoping for a distraction from my worrying, but all I saw was a winter weather warning flashing on the screen. I tried calling Evan three more times over the course of the next couple hours. When it was almost midnight and I still hadn’t heard from him, I couldn’t stop picturing a deadly bus crash in my head.
The door squeaked open just after midnight. I was sitting on the couch in the dark living room, staring blankly out the window. I turned to watch Evan stroll inside, flipping on the light. He jumped when he saw me sitting there.
“Christ, Elle. You could’ve told me you were there.” He dropped his heavy bag to the ground with a thud and shut the door. “What are you doing sitting in the dark?”
“Waiting for you.” I felt numb inside. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“My cell died and I forgot my charger.” He came into the room and leaned down to kiss my cheek. I smelled the booze on this breath.
“Where were you?” I asked.
He shrugged. “The guys and I decided to stop for a drink when we got back. I kind of lost track of time. Sorry.”
“Sorry?” I nodded slowly. “I’m going to bed. There’s dinner in the fridge if you’re hungry.”
Evan glared at me. “I was gone for almost a week and this is how you are going to act? You’re just going to bed? You haven’t even kissed me.”
“Really, Evan? Are you kidding me?” I had raised my voice, something I had never done with him. It didn’t feel good. “You’re six hours late. I was worried about you.”
“Worried?” He flinched. “We’re not married, Elle. I’m allowed to go do things without you. You’re the one that chose to sit up worrying.”
“You think it was a choice?” I laughed dryly as tears filled my eyes. “Do you not see how bad the weather is? I thought you were still on a bus somewhere, dying in a ditch. Just like my parents.”
The words hit him as effectively as a punch. He reached for me. “Elle, honey, I’m sorry.”
I shook my head, still too upset to hear him say anything. He let me march past him, understanding that I needed a moment where he wasn’t giving me a pitying look. I went straight into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of sweats and one of Evan’s old t-shirts. I was just about to crawl into bed when Evan came into the room.
“I’m an asshole,” Evan said when I looked at him. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve borrowed someone’s phone and called you. Or, better yet, I should’ve come home instead of going out with the guys.”
“I’ve never cared when you hang out with your friends, Evan. You know I’m not like that.” I crossed my arms and shivered a little. I’d forgotten to turn up the heat.
“I know,” he agreed. “I’ll do better in the future.”
“Why didn’t you call?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess I was just trying to be like everyone else. None of the other guys had anyone they needed to call. I thought if I told them I needed to call you, they’d give me a bunch of shit about being whipped and pathetic.”
“None of them have a girlfriend living with them,” I said. “It’s not about being whipped, it’s about respect. If the situation was reversed and I didn’t come home and didn’t call, how would you feel right now?”
Evan came further into the room. “You’re right. It’s unacceptable. I’m sorry I gave you reason to worry and I’m sorry I was an ass when I finally did come home. Thank you for making me dinner.”
“You don’t even know what it is yet,” I said, allowing myself a small smile. “It’s not very good.”
“I’m sure it’s better than whatever I would’ve made for myself.” He gave me a hesitant smile. “Still love me?”
“As if I have a choice,” I said. “Get over here and get that kiss you wanted.”
He got his kiss and more because now that I had my arms around him, I couldn’t bring myself to let him go. I’d been so sure that something terrible had happened to him, that I was about to lose the one person I loved more than anything in the whole world. Being able to put my arms around him felt like an incredible gift.
“Hey, I really am okay,” he whispered when I wouldn’t let go.
“I really thought I’d lost you,” I said with my lips pressed to his neck. “Don’t leave me.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Noelle.” His arms tightened around me. “We can stay here as long as you want.”
I closed my eyes and breathed him in. His arms were so warm around me and his chest rose and fell steadily against me. “How’s forever?” I asked. “Does forever work for you?”
CHAPTER TWELVE
A s hard as it was for me to do, I asked Evan to give me and the kids some space. We couldn’t avoid him completely since he worked at the farm, but we wouldn’t be having more date nights or family outings together.
I did good for the first few days. The kids and I were busy getting settled into the house. It was in good shape, but it needed a deep cleaning and some light repairs. Norma had given us permission to make it our own, so we picked out paint colors and new curtains. Tommy was too little to be much help, but Madison turned out to be a motivated helper. It probably didn’t hurt that I’d offered to up her allowance if she took on more responsibilities.
On the day before Thanksgiving, our painting was interrupted by a knock on the door. Madison and I were covered in paint, so I sent Tommy to answer it while I used a towel to wipe paint from my hands.
“Tom! Who is it?” I called.
“It’s Evan!”
My heart flipped inside my chest. I took a deep breath, mindful that Madison was watching me closely, and I went downstairs. Evan was standing in the hall looking uncomfortable while Tommy begged for another skating day.
“Hey, Ev.” I did my best to sound like I wasn’t being torn up inside just seeing his beautiful face. “Tommy, go see if your sister needs help.”
“We’re painting!” Tommy told Evan. “My room looks awesome now. You should come see it.”
“Maybe later,” Evan said with a tight smile. “I’m just taking a quick break from work to speak with your aunt.”
“Okay.” Tommy pouted as he backed toward the stairs. “Later.”
I watched him scamper up the stairs and felt terrible that he looked so sad. “He misses you,” I said, turning back to Evan. “He won’t stop talking about how much fun he had with you at the skating rink.”
“I’m sorry. I know I’m not supposed to be here, but Aunt Norma asked me to stop by.” He ran a hand through his hair. “She wanted me to invite you to Thanksgiving. Some of the family will be gathering for a late lunch and she is insisting that you bring the kids.” Evan grimaced. “I tried to tell her that you might prefer to do something alone with the kids, but she wouldn’t listen.”
“I know how stubborn she can be.” I had to fight hard against the desire to move toward Evan. “I can come up with an excuse.”
“You don’t have to. You should bring the kids.” Evan’s smile was more of a grimace. “I’ve missed them, too.”
It was like having a knife twisted in my heart. “I’m sorry, Evan.”
“Don’t.” He cut me off. “Don’t be sorry for doing what you think is right for them.
“Evan, do you remember the first fight we had?” I asked suddenly.
“Our first fight?” He gave me a confused look. “The one at the apartment? The night of that snowstorm?”
“Yep, that’s the one.” I smiled a little. “I was just thinking about that this morning.”
Evan laughed uncertainly. “To add to the list of shitty things I did in our relationship?”
“No, not at all. That would be an impossibly short list.” I gave into the urge and took a few steps forward. “I was thinking about how miserable I felt when we were fighting and how it felt like that feeling was never going to pass. But then it did. We made up and we were back together, stronger than we had been before the fight.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I t
hink that’s how this is going to work, too. It’s going to be really hard not to be with you right now, but when we’re on the other side of this, it’s going to be amazing.”
Evan nodded, his smile returning. “I very much look forward to you being right, Noelle.”
“You should get back to work,” I said. “And I need to check on the kids. I have a feeling that at least one of them will be covered in paint when I get up there.”
“Good luck.” Evan started to open the door, but he paused and turned back to me. “I go to the rink every Saturday morning, just to keep my skating sharp. If you ever wanted to bring Tommy by, we can make it a super casual thing.”
“That’s a really sweet offer, Ev.” I almost couldn’t believe how kind he was being under the circumstances. “We might just take you up on that.”
“I hope you do.”
We finished painting a little later and then put the furniture back in place. All three bedrooms now had fresh coats of paint and the guesthouse was starting to feel like home. The truck carrying the rest of our possessions was due to arrive the day after Thanksgiving and then we’d really be committed to our new home.
The kids wanted pizza for dinner and I didn’t feel like cooking. The bedrooms all still smelled like fresh paint, so after we were done eating, we stacked blankets and pillows on the floor in the living room and watched movies together until we fell asleep. By morning, the kids were restless from being inside for so long. I sent them out to pick apples from the trees behind Norma’s house. She’d told me many times to help myself and I wanted to make a pie to take to her house. I knew that Norma would have already made a bunch of pies, but this would be a special apple pie.
I was nervous when we stepped into Norma’s house. While I’d spent a lot of time with Evan’s parents as a kid, I didn’t know the rest of his family. A lot of confused faces stared at us as we made our way to the kitchen.
“Noelle, darling! I’m so glad you made it!” Norma waved me into the room. “Is that the pie?” she asked with a pleased glint in her eye.
“This is it. I hope.” I laughed. “It’s been years since I’ve made it so I hope it turned out alright.”
“I’m sure it’s perfect.” She winked at me as she took it. “I’m going to put it aside so we make sure the right person gets a piece.”
After she’d put it away, she turned to us and clapped her hands. “Let’s introduce you to everyone, shall we?”
I shook a lot of hands and smiled politely while Norma escorted me through the house. Tommy and Madison were allowed to go outside with the other kids, but I was forced to stay inside and be an adult. One of Evan’s cousins trapped me in the living room, telling me a painfully long story about his divorce. I was grateful for the glass of wine that Norma had pressed into my hand before leaving the room.
“Yep, that sounds miserable,” I said, only vaguely listening.
“What about your ex?” he asked.
“My ex?” I scanned the room yet again, hoping to see Evan. I was starting to worry that he wasn’t going to come.
“You’ve got two kids and you’re here alone. I’m assuming a divorce?” His eyes widened a little. “You’re not a widow, are you?”
“Charming the ladies like always, I see.” Evan appeared from behind me, grinning and looking impossibly handsome in his gray sweater, jeans, and stylish leather boots. “Noelle doesn’t want to hear about your divorce, Mark.”
Mark glared at him. “Did I ask you?”
“Noelle has her own problems. Her ex is getting out of jail next week.” Evan widened his eyes and lowered his voice. “I can’t believe they let him out so soon. Usually manslaughter gets a much longer sentence.”
“M-manslaughter?” Mark stuttered, taking a step back. “I, uh, need to go check on the… thing… in the other room.”
We were both laughing before he’d even left the room. “That was kind of mean,” I said. “But also very funny.”
Evan said, “It’s not even his first divorce. Mark has been married three times.”
“Three? He found three women desperate enough to marry him?” I took a sip of my wine. “What’s wrong with me that I haven’t even been married once?”
“You said no,” Evan said dryly.
“That wasn’t a real proposal, Evan.” I looked away. “We were too young.”
“Not when I asked you that last time. I meant it.” Evan’s hand brushed against mine and I turned back to him. “I really thought you were going to say yes that time. You left right after that.”
It hurt to look him in the eye and see the pain I had caused. “Things were really bad between us then. You only asked me because you thought that it might fix things. If I had said yes, we would’ve both felt trapped in a relationship that wasn’t working.”
Norma called out that it was time to eat and everyone began shuffling into the dining room. Neither Evan nor I made an attempt to follow them.
“If we hadn’t lost the baby, would you have said yes?” Evan asked.
“Probably.” We had never really talked about the miscarriage. It had happened right after Evan’s injury. I’d been four months pregnant and while Evan had been thrilled at the prospect of having a baby, I had been scared to death. We were both still so young and Evan was facing an uncertain future. “I know that you wanted that baby, Evan, but it wouldn’t have fixed what was broken between us. Getting married just because I was pregnant would’ve been a recipe for a disaster.”
“I had no idea you were so unhappy,” Evan said. “I thought things were great when you got pregnant. We had plans for our future.”
“Your plan was that I would drop out of school to raise the baby while you pursued your hockey career,” I reminded him. “That wasn’t much of a future for me.”
Evan flinched. “I thought it was what you wanted. I was going to make a lot of money when I went pro, so you wouldn’t have needed to work. I thought you’d want to be with the baby.”
“I wanted options, Ev.” I hated that everything I was saying only hurt him worse. “When you got hurt, all those plans you had for our future became nothing more than broken dreams. You started drinking all the time and I was still pregnant. I was facing the very real possibility of having a baby with an alcoholic who couldn’t work.” I shook my head, feeling those memories so deeply that it hurt. “I panicked. When I lost the baby, it felt like I had been set free.”
“Set free?” Evan closed his eyes for several seconds. When he opened them again, I saw the unshed tears. “All these years I thought we just grew apart and you decided you wanted a different life. I had no idea you were so unhappy that our miscarriage felt like a blessing.”
“That’s not what I said, Evan.” I reached out to take his hand, but he jerked it away. “I never, not even for one second, didn’t love you. I never didn’t want that baby. I was twenty-years-old and I was scared. I couldn’t talk to you about it because you were going through your own crisis.”
Evan continued to stare at me like I was a stranger. “Do you know, when I first saw Madison and you said she was twelve, I did the math and thought for just a second that she might be mine. I thought that maybe you’d lied about the miscarriage.” He laughed humorlessly. “That’s how much I wanted that baby with you. I was willing to believe something so ridiculous.”
“I would never have lied to you about something like that,” I said quietly.
“Why not? You lied about everything else. You let me believe that you were happy because you didn’t think I was strong enough to hear the truth. You let me make plans for a future that you never wanted.” Evan clenched his jaw and smacked a hand against the wall. “You let me keep loving you long after you’d decided you were leaving.”
“I can’t go back and change anything, Evan. This is where we are now.” I held out my arms. “If you can’t accept what I’ve just told you, I’ll understand. Just please don’t doubt that I loved you. Every minute of every day.”
Evan
blinked a few times and looked away. “We need to go. Aunt Norma won’t let anyone eat until we’re all at the table.”
“I don’t want to leave things between us like this,” I said.
“Aunt Noelle!” Tommy ran into the room. “It’s time to eat!”
“Yeah alright, buddy. I’ll be right there,” I said.
“Norma says we can’t eat until you and Evan join us,” Tommy said quite seriously. “And the food smells really good.”
Evan squeezed past me and put a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Let’s go. We don’t want to keep everyone from eating that really good-smelling food.”
I was impressed by Evan’s ability to recover so quickly. He and Tommy went into the dining room and I stood there frozen, taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly. I’d just blindsided Evan with feelings that I had kept buried for twelve years. If two dozen people hadn’t been waiting for me to start eating, I’m not sure I ever would’ve walked into that dining room.
Everyone cheered when I finally did walk into the room. I hurried into the only empty seat next to Madison and it wasn’t until after I was seated that I realized Evan was across from me. Our eyes connected briefly and we both hurriedly looked away.
Norma was at the head of the table and she stood, smiling at all of us. “I’m just so happy to see all of you,” she said, putting a hand over her heart. “At my age, another holiday is never guaranteed. To be able to see all of you together in my house is such a blessing.” Her eyes scanned each face, resting for a beat longer when she got to me. “And to have added some new faces to our family, I just couldn’t be more thankful than I am today.”
I looked down at my plate, swallowing hard. Norma would be heart-broken if she knew that Evan and I were falling apart. I knew that she’s become convinced we were going to end up together after our date. Heck, I’d been convinced, too. I ate quickly, anxious to spend as little time as possible sitting across from Evan’s tense and brooding face. It really wasn’t fair that he looked even more attractive when he was upset.
Just as I was about to leave my seat to tell Norma that I wasn’t feeling well, she stood. “Noelle, darling, could you help me with the pies?” she said, giving me a pointed look.
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