My job now not only put our lives in the public eye but also had me working out of both Washington and Pittsburgh. We were young newlyweds expecting our first child, so when a promised job fell though after my election, Karen decided not to get a job outside of the house. Adjusting to congressional life and getting ready for our baby were enough to keep her busy. We embraced the hustle and bustle of all the travel and events as Congress became the focus of our lives.
During our four years in Congress, Karen delivered Elizabeth and John, which definitely changed Karen’s focus to doing fewer congressional spouse activities in favor of full-time mom activities. Coming from a family of twelve children, it was no surprise she was a natural in the role of mother. For the first three years in Congress, we were a busy young family, but our family was in most respects no different from any other.
That changed in 1994 when I announced my run for the US Senate from Pennsylvania. My Democratic opponent in that race was the Senate sponsor of Hillarycare, the Clinton health reform proposal. With many years of experience as a neonatal intensive care nurse and an attorney with an emphasis on health law, Karen is passionate about improving the quality and choice of our medical care system. She was no fan of Hillarycare and was an articulate and credible voice on the subject. So, of course, everyone on our team wanted her out on the stump. But Karen had just spent the last three years doing everything but public speaking, so she was quite anxious about being able to perform at a high level. Karen knew how important her voice was, so she was willing to step out of her comfort zone to talk about these issues in large public forums.
The reason, of course, Karen had not been on the stump for three years was that she was at home raising our two- and three-year-olds, Elizabeth and John. Fortunately, we had two sets of grandparents and a slew of cousins who lived nearby, and they stepped up to help Karen when she was on the road. And she did indeed make a huge impact by speaking to health professionals and women’s groups about our ideas on refining our current system instead of turning it over to government control. I would not have pulled off either of my upset victories if not for Karen jumping in with both feet, doing whatever needed to be done to make it happen.
Karen’s involvement was invaluable, but it also raised her profile in the media. To some degree that made her and our family fair game for reporters, but Karen is one tough cookie and can handle anything. She handled the press well and was amazing on the campaign trail. We have learned that the media coverage of someone’s family and personal lives is directly related to three factors—the office you hold or in some cases aspire to, how visibly involved your family is, and the level of activity or controversy you generate in office.
In my four years in the House, I think it is safe to say that I generated my share of controversy right off the bat. In my first year, I pulled together a group of freshman Republicans, called the Gang of Seven, to go to the public with special perks that we viewed as institutional corruption. Our efforts led to the closing of the House Bank, where in-the-know Democrat and Republican congressmen enjoyed interest-free loans, and the indictment and conviction of two members of Congress, including the chairman of the powerful Ways and Means Committee.
Let me assure you, when you play the role of cop on the beat, particularly as a brand-new member of the club, you’d better be squeaky clean. The old boys went after me and attempted to dig up anything, including personal things, they could to take me down with them. That was a great lesson for me to learn early in my time in Congress—if you are going to rock someone’s boat, expect to have your boat thoroughly inspected. It didn’t take me long in Congress to figure out there is nothing I did that someone with enough money or power couldn’t find out. In a way that was a gift—to have the knowledge that someone is always watching.
Even with all that controversy and attention directed at me, the media and by and large the public didn’t throw my family in the mix. That changed when we ran for the Senate. Senate races have become more national in character in the past twenty years because control of the Senate in such a partisan environment means so much. Also, Karen’s prominent role on the campaign trail at the time when Hillary was getting so much attention for her role in the Clinton administration was just too interesting an angle for the media to pass up.
It is easy for a conservative to complain about the news media, and during my career in politics, I have done my share. I thought, however, the overall coverage of Karen and her role was fair. It wasn’t until I became involved in some particularly controversial issues that it began to change. I found it was one thing to hold yourself out as a conservative reformer, shaking up Congress by unearthing scandal or taking the lead on the Balanced Budget Amendment, welfare reform, health care reform, and even Social Security reform; it is quite another to take the lead on moral and cultural issues. For the first five years in office, I never talked about any of those moral issues because of the political land mines that surround them. They are emotional and potentially divisive, so I steered clear.
When that changed two years into my first term in the Senate, I soon realized the stakes I had raised. It’s one thing to be a conservative, but the progressives and the media will not tolerate anyone who has the temerity to vocally counter their views on marriage or challenge their culture of death. Any conservative who is committed to fighting for life from conception to natural death and for the freedom to practice your faith, not just in the church but everywhere else, should expect hostility. I always joke that when I started to take on these issues, my children who read the papers thought I had changed my first name to “Ultra.” Now, according to the press, I was the ultraconservative senator from Pennsylvania.
Something else changes for those of us who are vocal advocates of a moral and decent culture. Your past and every action you take get viewed through the lens of that morality. If you set a high moral standard, expect to be held to it. On the other hand, since your opponents on these issues are not taking moral stands, they are held to no additional standard. In fact, they are often given a pass by the media for any moral indiscretions, while those who take moral positions and fall are called hypocrites.
I want to make a point here about hypocrisy. Of all the criticisms that are leveled, being called a hypocrite may be the most stinging and damaging. It is one thing to make a mistake; it is quite another to have your sincerity, your motivation, and your overall character assaulted by being called a hypocrite. The news media relishes the opportunity to throw around that term to describe a public figure, always a conservative, who has a moral failing that contradicts his or her stated positions.
Take, for example, two married members of Congress, one an evangelical conservative, one a secular liberal, who both have affairs or are both arrested for buying illegal drugs. Which is the bigger story? In the eyes of the media and maybe now even the public, the conservative, of course. Why? The liberal never talks about the importance of marriage and is for legalizing drugs, so in the eyes of the media, there is less moral culpability for his or her crimes. But the conservative is a great advocate for marriage and the family and talks often about the scourge of drugs and its harmful effects on our country, so his or her transgressions are not only more serious, but they qualify as hypocrisy.
The fact is, the conservative could very well be a hypocrite, particularly if he or she was condemning others at the same time he or she was doing the same thing. Also, if the conservative didn’t actually believe in the positions he or she publicly stated, then the conservative is indeed a hypocrite. You can sincerely hold positions about what is true and right, however, and try to uphold them in your personal life and, despite your best intentions, fail. Your failure to live up to what you believe is right does not make you a hypocrite; it makes you human.
Why did I need to make the point about hypocrisy? I have seen many conservatives, famous and not famous, who run away from talking about moral issues and have even softened their stances because of the fear of being viewed as a
hypocrite.
Karen and I were trying to make our family life as good as it could be. We knew putting God first in our marriage and family would be at the heart of that success. Funny thing happens when you focus on the life of Jesus. You see how He changed the world through the complete giving of Himself. He calls on us to do the same.
In basing our marriage and family life on His example, we committed to put each other and the family before our own desires. That played itself out differently for me than for Karen. Both of us are high-energy, focused people who fully engage in the task before us, so we decided to put in place rules and procedures that ensured our family and our marriage were the priorities we wanted them to be.
The most important rules governed my time. When I was working in DC, I didn’t go out for dinner, other than required political events. I made no appointments after 6:00 p.m., so if the Senate, which chronically works into the evening hours Monday through Thursday, finished early, I could go straight home. I worked only one Friday night and Saturday a month, and never on Sundays. When I had to travel, I did my best to get home the same day, no matter what time. If I had an overnight, it was no more than one night. Therefore, I almost never traveled abroad. The very few times I did, they were trips where Karen could come with me.
We have other rules that protect my family and me. I never travel alone with another woman. If there is a woman in a car or plane with me, then we are accompanied by a male volunteer or staffer. That goes in my office too. If I needed to meet privately with a woman in my office, the door to my executive assistant’s office would always be open. Although she couldn’t hear what was being discussed, she had a clear view of the meeting. We did this not just to protect me, but to protect everyone involved from any malicious behavior or accusations.
I have been very public about my marriage and family being the most important gifts I have, and even at work that commitment is on the top of my mind in everything I do.
As a result, we are often asked to speak about our marriage. About ten years ago, we were doing just that in Wichita, Kansas, at a Catholic conference. Our talk focused on the importance of selflessness in marriage. At a book signing after the speech, an enthusiastic young man named Michael Manhardt came up to us, waving some wristbands in the air and shouting, “This is the answer!”
I asked him, “What is the question?”
He handed Karen and me wristbands that read “F.A.M.I.L.Y.” He said, “Have you ever seen the wristbands W.W.J.D.? This is the answer, ‘Forget About Me I Love You.’ ”
As I type this on my laptop, that wristband is still wrapped around my left wrist. Over the years, I have told this story and given away my wristband dozens of times, because that is how Karen and I see our responsibilities inside the family.
Before you start pointing out the decisions I have revealed in this book that are not consistent with this creed, let me say you are right, in part. First, I no more perfectly model FAMILY than I do the moral and ethical teachings of my faith. Like everyone else, I fall short and I confess that to myself, to my family, and to my Savior. As Christians, we are blessed with Jesus’ example of selfless love to the point of dying on the cross for us, and with that His gift of forgiveness for any thought, word, deed, or omission that violates His teachings. I always tell my children the important thing is to sincerely try to give yourself to your spouse and family, and then every day honestly assess how you did that day.
It seems almost axiomatic that if you truly love someone, you would be willing to sacrifice greatly on that person’s behalf. We have visions of movie heroes who leap in front of a lover to take a bullet or dive into a raging stream to rescue a drowning child. Those are indeed selfless acts love inspires and are rightly celebrated as heroic.
True, lasting, loving relationships, however, are not built or sustained on dramatic or spectacular acts of selfless love. I had the opportunity to meet Saint Teresa of Calcutta a few months before she died. She had a wonderful saying: “God does not call on you to do great things; He calls on you to do little things with great love.” As I write this in the wee hours of the morning, I am sitting next to Bella as she sleeps, massaging her every few minutes to encourage her to breathe. She has a cold and her nose is stuffed to the point where she can’t breathe through it. Because Bella is who she is, she doesn’t always figure out to switch to her mouth to breathe if her nose isn’t working. That is why I am up and blessed with a few quiet moments to write this chapter of her book.
Tonight is my “little thing” that I do willingly and, in spite of the fatigue, joyfully. Karen was blessed to be on duty all last night when I was away in Columbus, Ohio. If you are a parent, I am sure you could tell your own stories of being up late with a sick child. We had our share with our other children, but being the parent of a severely challenged child is different. It’s not the occasional illness or accident; it’s every day. Karen and I learned a lot about selflessness in our marriage, but Bella required us to go to the next level.
I was recently with the great writer and motivational speaker John Maxwell at his alma mater, Ohio Christian University. He gave a talk on the qualities of a good leader that summed up what Bella has taught us about the key to selfless love. He said the biggest key is consistency. Before we had Bella I never would have said that in a million years.
15
LOVE BEGETS PEACE
• Karen Santorum •
We draw people to Christ not by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.
—MADELEINE L’ENGLE
Stretching out her hand, Bella touched the side of Rick’s face as she often does. Her eyes grew wide as she felt his scruff. Pulling her hand back, she released high-pitched squeals of joy and giggling laughter. Daddy was home. Bella greeted him with an animated reception, as she always does. As he tossed her in the air, she threw her head back, smiling and stretching out her arms. Flying. He held her, smiling and talking elatedly. She responded to his tone by clapping her hands and nodding vigorously, so happy that her daddy was home.
We gathered as a family and curled up around the fire, one of the last of the season. Rick had just won the Mississippi and Alabama primaries, putting the tally of states he had won at ten. I was so proud of him and of all his hard work. Elizabeth had been campaigning in Hawaii for ten days, a job she had gladly accepted. Rick and I had just returned from traveling to Puerto Rico with John, Daniel, Sarah, Peter, and Patrick for that primary contest. Finally, all of us were at home, if only for a night. I could not remember the last time that had happened.
Watching the children pass Bella around the room, I reflected on how, in the midst of the hurricane that was the presidential campaign, God had put us in the eye of the storm, where there was peace. There was happiness and serenity in the daily rhythm of our family life that could only have been divine intervention. Each of the children wanted to hold Bella next. She loved the attention and her eyes shone as she joyfully responded to their love. Bella’s light soothed our hearts and gave us peace. She had quickly become the anchor for our home life, a joyful and constant presence who would offer only love.
Rick was completely immersed in the presidential race and was extremely busy handling a million demands. As a wife and mother, I tried to balance keeping life at home as normal as possible while having to travel around the country with Rick to campaign. We may have been immersed in a presidential race, but our children still needed to be educated, participate in sports, get to their music lessons, and see their friends. It was a lot of juggling, and I was thankful that while Elizabeth and John were busy working on the campaign trail, Daniel could drive himself and Sarah to school each day.
People always want to know what the hardest part of the campaign was, and I always tell them that I can handle everything except having to leave my children. I’ve never been good at leaving my ki
ds, and neither has Rick.
Life with Bella made my trips a little more complicated. If I left, Bella needed a nurse with her overnight should any problems arise. Bella’s sleep patterns were often irregular, so it was critical to have someone who knew her and her care, should she stay up to all odd hours of the night. I thanked God many times for the blessing of our talented and compassionate registered nurse, Erin MacEgan. Truly a godsend during the campaign, she and Bridget made my campaign travel possible. Bella loves them and always became excited when she saw them. She’d smile, kick, and wave her arms in the air. We called it the Bella dance.
Life at home was hardly normal. After the Michigan primary, the Secret Service had taken responsibility for Rick’s security. At home, a Secret Service van was stationed in the driveway and agents patrolled the yard. We were so grateful for their protection. Our detail was composed of honorable, professional, and sharp men and women. We were blessed with good people on our security teams throughout the campaign; our first security detail leader, Andy Patrick, became a dear friend. Knowing that Rick and my family were safe put my mind at ease.
When Rick and I would go to events with six of our children, there was not enough room in the Secret Service SUV, so we had to take our truck. There were a few times when we drove in the lineup with a police car, three Secret Service SUVs, and then our truck sandwiched in between. They drove fast and tight, and our son John drove the truck in the lineup. For John, Daniel, and their friends, it was a teenager’s dream come true to drive at eighty miles per hour and not have to worry about getting a ticket! For me, even though John is a great driver, those long, fast trips were stressful at the time, and something we laugh about now.
Bella's Gift Page 18
