by L E May
‘Sure, I understand,’ I hissed ‘you’re happy to watch me pleasure myself but you don’t want to touch me.’
‘Oh, Liv, of course I want to touch you.’ His voice changed, taking on the commanding voice I had come to love. ‘Don’t you think I want it to be me? When I tell you to imagine my hands, don’t you know I want it to be my hands running up your thigh, my fingers trailing across that paltry amount of material that make up those lacy thongs you wear?’
I smiled to myself glad that he would never see the pants I was wearing tonight. He saw my costume, I wasn’t myself for him, I was playing the role of a more vibrant, sexually confident, and carefree woman. I would never have imagined wearing sexy underwear but as soon as I pulled the skimpy lace over my hips I felt transformed. I bit my lip and remained silent as he continued speaking softly, almost sadly.
‘I want to feel you, I want to taste your tongue in my mouth, feel your lip being tugged gently between my teeth, to graze soft kisses along your jawline, and feel the soft flesh of your ear between my lips. I want to feel your nipples harden against my teeth and feel the flat hard end against my tongue.’
I realised I was holding my breath and slowly, quietly exhaled. I glanced around, suddenly embarrassed that people might be able to hear his words and know the changes happening in my body. I gripped the kerbside railing for support and resisted the urge to brush my hand across my breast. He continued his aural torture.
‘I want to rip the strings on your thong and tear the pointless material away from your body, I want to feel you quiver as I tease your clitoris and I want to feel your juice on my fingers, I want you to taste yourself on them and want to feel your whole body as it tenses around my cock, pushing in and out, filling you and releasing you. I want to feel your orgasm shudder through your body, around me and in my arms.’ He paused and I sensed him smiling. ‘Are you blushing?’ he teased. I swallowed and inhaled slowly.
‘Yes,’ I whispered, ‘and I wish I wasn’t stood on the corner of Camden High Street next to a taxi rank and a pair of burly bouncers.’
Chris chuckled. It was a sound I had grown to love.
‘Maybe you should get in a taxi and make your way home?’ He suggested.
‘Or maybe I should go back inside and find someone to fuck me?’ I murmured.
Chris was silent, and when he spoke, his voice was strained. ‘Well, if that’s what you want, of course.’
‘No that’s not what I want. I want what you just described.’ I cringed at the pleading sound of my voice. He sighed again.
‘Liv, my love, it can’t be. Be realistic, it wouldn’t work. Suppose you come to visit me and we have the most amazing sex, it would be a one-time thing. And what if once wasn’t be enough? We both have very separate lives, it’s not possible to have more than what we have and it’s not fair on either of us to try.’
‘Well in that case, what we have now isn’t fair either.’ I shot back angrily. I was feeling frustrated, physically and emotionally, mixed with a drunken sense of outrage.
‘Perhaps you’re right, love. I will leave that up to you to decide. You know where I am if you want to play.’
I was speechless. Just like that? He just said he thought of me as his and yet he’s releasing me so easily?
‘OK, if that’s what you want.’ I tried to inject as much indifference into my statement as I could. He chuckled.
‘So quick to be offended, Liv. I will be online every night hoping you will be there too. But I don’t want to prevent you from going out there and meeting someone. You are still the same person, Liv, you still have the same needs. You still want to meet someone special, find love, find Mr Right, get your little house in the country. I can’t give you any of that. As much as it pains me to say it, if it’s best for your happiness, I will end our communication. But if you need it, for your confidence then I’m always there to help you.’
I snorted. ‘Ironic that when you called me I had met someone. If you hadn’t interfered someone might actually be fulfilling my needs right now.’
‘I’m sorry, Liv, I was missing you and I just wanted to hear your voice,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, it’s late, get in a cab and go home.’
‘It’s a five-minute walk, I’ll be fine.’ I snapped.
‘I’d be happier if you got a cab anyway. Please be safe, Liv.’
‘I’m not sure I care right now about keeping you happy, Chris.’
‘At least promise you’ll let me know when you get home?’ I sighed and ended the call, he was so confusing; he cares about me, but he doesn’t want me, he does want me but he wants to leave me alone.
I looked at the entrance to the bar and debated whether to head back in. I was fed up and I wondered if another drink would help, maybe that guy would still be there, it might not be too late and I was feeling pretty horny. But I was tired and Chris was right; I still wanted something more, I hadn’t learned to love my body so I could go fuck my way around Camden, I had wanted to feel confident enough to try and meet someone more meaningful, In fact, this had all started because I had simply wanted to look good for Steven, until Melissa came along and ruined everything.
I turned away from the entrance of the bar and clattered into someone, dropping my bag onto the pavement.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I gasped raising my hand to my head and kneeling to retrieve my bag. I felt a hand around my arm helping me up and looked into familiar eyes, smiling at me in amusement. ‘Steven?’
‘Catching you is becoming a habit this evening.’ His arms were still holding me steady and I realised I was more drunk than I had initially thought, another drink was definitely not a good idea. I swayed slightly on the spot despite his support.
‘Come on, Ols, I’ll walk you home.’ He put his arm across my shoulder and started walking. It felt strangely nice, he smelled familiar and his body was warm. I shivered suddenly, the cool air bringing me back to reality and Steven tightened his arm around me hugging me closer in response.
‘I can’t decide whether or not I find it insulting, that my young employee is looking after me, shouldn’t it be the other way around?’
He squeezed me.
‘It doesn’t matter how old you are, Ols. Friends look out for each other. What happened to that guy anyway? Did you come to your senses? He was pretty ugly.’
I swatted him on the arm.
‘He wasn’t that bad, was he?’
‘He looked like he needed a week-long soak in a bath.’ He laughed at my shocked face. ‘Yeah, and he needs to drink some Listerine, I could smell his breath from across the dance-floor.’
‘Well it’s a good job Chris rang and interrupted me.’
‘Chris? Knight? Why was he ringing you?’ Steven laughed in puzzlement.
‘I actually thought you had put him up to it.’
‘Why would I do that? I didn’t realise you two were that friendly.’
‘Really? He makes it seem like he tells you everything.’ Well, perhaps not everything, I hoped. Steven should never be aware that I occasionally pleasured myself on camera for the entertainment of his friend. Was that really all it was?
‘Well, sure, I know he was giving you fitness advice and that you guys chatted, but why was he ringing at 11 p.m. on a Friday night, from America?’
I shrugged.
‘Anyway, I couldn’t hear him so I stepped outside. To be honest, he kept me talking so long that by the time I hung up I had forgotten all about the guy in the bar and had decided to head home.’
‘Wow! Chris Knight in shining armour.’ He chuckled. ‘That’s a first; he’s usually more like a dark knight than a white knight.’
I stiffened. That definitely wasn’t how I saw Chris and I hated the reminder that I really didn’t know him at all. How could I have such a strong attachment to someone I’d never met? Perhaps he was right; I should forget about him and stop our communication. But his voice drifted through my mind, his soft, commanding voice that mesmerized m
e, sending a shiver through my lower body. I was so confused. Was that all I was to Chris – interactive porn? I should be charging him. What if other people were there with him; watching me, judging me? I felt sick. I’d been such a fool, what was I thinking?
Steven’s voice broke through my thoughts as we stopped at the side door entrance to my flat.
‘Ols, are you OK?’ I blinked up at him and shook my head to clear my thoughts. ‘You were miles away, what were you thinking about?’
I stared at him, my eyes full of misery, and he pulled me close to him, wrapping his arms around me and burying his face in my hair. He couldn’t possibly guess what I was thinking about. I closed my eyes and let the moment wash over me, enjoying the close contact of his body against mine, the feeling of protection his arms offered me. I buried my face against his chest, knowing that if I moved even slightly to look at him I would be in danger of overstepping the mark. Chris had left me feeling embarrassed and rejected and I wanted to feel some connection to someone, to feel attractive, to be wanted. Would Steven reject me if I kissed him right now? In that moment it didn’t feel likely, but I was just his boss, Melissa ruined everything for us. Even if he responded it would be so awkward, and if he didn’t respond, awkward would be the best I could hope for instead of a sexual harassment suit.
I pulled away from Steven, keeping my eyes fixed on the floor as I rummaged through my bag looking for my keys. My hands were shaking and I was starting to feel light headed. Too much to drink. I fumbled with the keys, trying to find the right fit. I needed to be in bed, or near a toilet. I wanted the feeling to go away, to clear my head and stop me feeling confused. Steven took the keys out of my hand and unlocked the door, pushing it open, and stepping aside to let me past. I stumbled through the doorway, bouncing off the door frame and the wall in my hallway. I heard the door close quietly behind me and turned to look. Steven was gone – he had pulled the door shut.
I heard the key turn in the lock and then a thud as the keys landed on the doormat through the letterbox. I sniffed, offended. I climbed the narrow staircase and made my way to the sink to fill a pint glass with water. I glugged it down in one and filled the glass again. Panting, I wiped my mouth and made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth, discarding items of clothing as I walked, kicking off my shoes in the kitchen, throwing my blouse across the back of the sofa, and undoing my jeans. I sat heavily on the toilet with my toothbrush in my mouth and sighed. I knew I was going to end up opening up the laptop to see if Chris was online. I wanted to hear his voice again. I knew I shouldn’t, but it was like an addiction, I felt powerful when I was with him, he was right about the imagination, but his words and encouragement stirred a feeling in me that no one else had ever touched no matter how much I thought I was in love with them or how attractive I thought they were. But Chris was right, this situation could get in the way of my dream of finding Mr Right and living in the country. What if I became too scared to express myself with a real man in the flesh? What if I were only capable of it alone? Did I even need Chris, the faceless voice crackling through the speakers of my laptop directing my pleasure, imagining him there with me? Did I need him to imagine that? Couldn’t I imagine it by myself?
Leaving my jeans in a heap by the toilet, I made my way to the bedroom and threw myself onto the bed in my faded white T-shirt bra and high-waist control pants. I caught my reflection in the mirror and immediately felt my arousal subsiding. I closed my eyes and curled up, tucking my knees up to my stomach. I wrapped my arms around my body and trailed my fingers back and forth along my side. I imagined myself sat at a dressing table wearing a silk dressing gown, covering a lacy set of underwear. I imagined soft, warm hands pulling the silk off the edge of my shoulder and kissing my neck softly, pulling at the silk on the other shoulder, I pulled the straps of my bra onto my arms as I imagined his hands pushing the cups down to free my breasts. I rolled my nipples between my fingers, and pictured myself watching in the mirror in fascination as his hands moved across my body. I can’t see his face but his body is toned, lean, and warm. I watch his hands move down my body, stroking my thighs up and down slowly and circling from side to side, gently parting my legs. I squeezed my bottom as I imagined him lifting me easily, straddling the stool below me and sitting me on him, pulling my legs apart to sit either side of his knees. I rolled onto my back as I imagined his hand trailing up my thigh, teasing me through my pants.
My hand moved faster, more insistent, and I imagined him sinking his fingers into me; swirling around in small circular motions back and forth. My free hand squeezed my breast desperately as I pictured him twisting my nipple between his fingers, all the while continuing his exploration down below. I increased my pace, rubbing back and forth, side to side, circular motions, bucking my hips to create friction against my hand as I imagined moving my body against his fingers before watching him lift me and place me onto his stiff cock, entering me, filling me, fucking me, his arms wrapped around my body teasing my nipples and pushing his wet fingers into my mouth. I moaned loudly as my body reached its peak and my orgasm forced my body to tremble against my hand and I imagined him holding me tight, his soft voice whispering in my ear telling me I’m beautiful and sexy. My breathing was hard and laboured as my body came down from its exertion. I felt relief flood through me and a small, satisfied smile broke over my face. I did it. Without him.
I opened my eyes, blinking as the sight of my small bedroom broke the illusion. I felt a stab of guilt as I pulled my hand from out of my pants and felt a flush of shame creep over my cheeks. Why? Surely it was more acceptable, more natural to masturbate like this, in the privacy of my room, my imagination, than it was to do it on camera under Chris’ direction? So why did I feel ashamed? I closed my eyes and drifted towards unconsciousness as a thought hit me: I didn’t feel guilty, I felt lonely.
Chapter Thirty-one
I burst into the office on Monday afternoon with a huge grin on my face.
‘We did it!’ I announced.
I was expecting cheers, or words of congratulation. Excitement at least. I got tumbleweed.
The office was empty. I shut the door and dumped my coat on the sofa in my office. I heard Christmas songs coming from the testers’ room and grinned to myself. I pushed the door open and stepped in. Six expectant face turned to greet me.
‘Well?’ Steven asked, there was a small flicker of uncertainty across his eyes as he implored me to tell him.
‘We did it.’ I grinned. ‘Jack loves it. Signed off on it and wants it live so they can start promoting it in the New Year.’ I turned my attention to James. ‘James, can you get the files ready for uploading to all the app stores on Wednesday?’ James nodded and wandered past me towards the main office.
Steven was grinning from ear to ear. I remembered it was his first job, his first successful contract. I punched him on the arm.
‘Well done, you.’ I smiled up at him. He threw his arms around my shoulders and hugged me.
‘I can’t believe it. I’ve been so nervous about it.’ He sighed with relief.
‘Why? You did a brilliant job.’
‘I know.’ He grinned. ‘But surely even you never feel truly confident until they agree it’s brilliant, right?’
I considered his words and nodded.
‘I guess so. OK, someone get some glasses.’ I held up a bottle of champagne. ‘Here’s to our first successful team effort.’ I handed the bottle to Steven and made my way over to Maria.
‘Can you do something with this?’ I asked, handing her a cheque. Her eyes widened when she saw the amount.
‘Wow.’ She laughed. I nodded.
‘I know. That’s the best bit about signing off on a job. The final balance.’
‘That’s our salaries for the next six months,’ she whispered, quickly calculating in her head. I nodded again, amused. It was nice seeing my business through others’ eyes, especially those that weren’t used to it. This was not a surprising amount of money to me, but it was
the first of many for my team. Steven had brought in so many new clients that we were going to be kept busy for a long time.
The sound of the cork popping distracted me and I went to find James to re-join the rest of the group as the champagne was poured.
‘OK, listen up, everyone, this was the first big contract that I passed over to Steven, and I think he has managed it perfectly. You all played a part of it and we’ve delivered far earlier than expected and we have a very happy and hopefully very loyal client. So well done all of you.’ I raised my glass.
‘Also well done to you, Ols, for sharing this with us and letting us be a part of Inspired.’ Steven added. I smiled back at him.
‘It’s true I’ve never much liked sharing my toys, but I’m glad you’re all here and I look forward to working with you all next year. It’s going to be a very busy year with all the work Steven keeps getting for us.’ I smiled warmly at him.
Maria laughed. ‘It’s that effortless charm of his, could sell snow to the Eskimos.’
‘So with all that in mind,’ I said, ‘I think we can call today our last day. Have a nice few days off before Christmas and we’ll all reconvene back here on the 4th of January.’
They all cheered.
‘Merry Christmas,’ everyone said as they clinked their glasses and drank their champagne.
I made my way to my office to check my emails when James and Steven appeared in the doorway.
‘The files for Wednesday?’ James started. I held up my hand to stop him.
‘It’s OK, James, I’ll do it. You all deserve a few days off. I’ll make sure the files are ready and uploaded this week.’
‘I really don’t mind,’ he said half-heartedly. I laughed.
‘Seriously, enjoy your break.’
He smiled and made his way back to the rest of the group. The Christmas songs got louder and I could hear them all laughing and relaxing.
