by Shyla Colt
“Where do you land?” Jess asks.
“The leader or co-leader. I don’t leave my grades up to chance.”
“That’s my girl,” I say proud of her take charge attitude. It’s something she got from her father. I mentally flinch at the thought of him. My stomach churns, and a chill settles into my bones as the ocean breeze comes in. It’s hot out, but this kind of cold comes from the inside. My mind drifts to Jagger. I wish I had his ability to block my emotions, ‘cause they’re hell on my heart. We part ways at our cars, and I can’t help but feel the distances between us begin to form as Whitney backs out of the parking space and drives away. Yet again, life is shifting for the Birling family.
“You going to be okay, Mama Bear?”
“Yeah. I mean. You know they have to grow up and leave the nest, but after everything that happens, I can’t help but feel like I’m one more surprise away from a breakdown.
“How can I help?”
“You already are, Jess. By listening without judging me.”
“You know you’ve always got a safe place here with me,” she says.
I nod my head as we get into the SUV.
“Where to now, fearless leader?”
“Let’s go back to my place and put the new blender to the test. I need one or three margaritas.”
She laughs. “I’ve turned you into a lush again. Remember the college days?”
“Barley, no thanks to you.”
She snickers. “Please, you made good grades and got to class…most of the time.”
My lips twitch up in the corners. It’s easier to cope with her around. She’s the queen of distraction. I steer the car to the highway, promising myself I’ll deal with the tangled, matted mess of my emotions later.
I have a margarita in my hand, Say Anything on the television, and a massive bowl of salty, artery clogging popcorn between me and my bestie. It’s therapy and the healthy kind of self-medicating. A knock at the door makes me moan. “No. She was about to punk out and give him a pen,” Jess moans as she grabs the remote and presses pause.
My chest grows tight. My head swims as I dig my fingers into the cushion. I can’t handle another ambush by reporters. Not today. My mouth waters as my stomach protests.
“B?”
I clear my throat and stand as I suck oxygen in through my mouth. The air feels thinner. I dig my nails into the fleshy meat of my palms as I force one foot in front of the other. I reach the door and peer out the peephole. The sight of my in-law deflates one type of anxiety and flares up another. I won’t have cameras and camcorders in my face, but an inquisition is certainly coming.
“It’s James and Connie.”
“Jesus can we pretend we’re not here.”
I laugh. “If I thought it would make them go away, yes. Be nice.”
“Oh honey, I’ll be so nice it’ll make them sick,” Jess said batting her eyelashes. A devilish grin crosses her lips, and the dimple in her left cheek appears.
Kill em’ with kindness. The Southern Belle’s code, unless you got them going, then look out. I rest my forehead against the door and gather myself for the battle to come. They do nothing without a purpose. Least of all show up in my tiny home. I open the door.
“Connie, James. What can I do for you?”
Despite her petite frame, the bleach blonde-haired thin woman manages to look down on me from her five-foot-five inch stature.
“We thought we’d see our grandchild since you can’t be bothered to bring her by.”
“You know why, Connie,” I say quietly. Their home is a media trap.
“We’d be happy to meet you somewhere else, Blanche. We just want to see Whitney.”
“And I want to protect her. We’ve changed schools so many times. We’re just trying to get her to graduation.”
Connie strains her neck to look around me, and I step back. “Please, come in,” I say dryly.
“Where is she?” Connie asks.
“She’s working on a school project. The last one before graduation actually. It’s pretty important.”
Connie sniffs. “As if we can’t afford to send her wherever she’d like.”
“Yes, we could, but she’s worked hard these past four years to go on her own merit,” I say patiently.
“She’s a Birling, she was born with the right connections,” Connie huffs.
I want to ring her neck.
She scowls. “And I see we’re having a celebration. Hello, Jesslynn. I would have thought you’d be running your little boutique about now.”
“My store is doing well enough to run on its own while I take a much-needed vacation and support my sister after an unthinkable tragedy.”
Connie glances away.
I peer down and cough to hide my smile. One point, Jess.
“I’m glad to hear your shop’s doing well, Jesslynn. I would’ve thought a pretty young girl with so much going for her would’ve been married ages ago,” James says.
“Oh, I’m waiting for the right one, Mr. Birling. It’s hard to find a good man these days. There are so many wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
I mentally pump my fist in the air. Best friends, the people who say the things you can’t.
“Well, a man likes a woman who knows her place,” James says.
“Hmmm, some women like men who believe in equality.”
“I can tell Whit you stopped by. You guys can arrange a low key dinner somewhere maybe?”
“Is low key your way of saying cheap?” Connie wrinkles her nose.
“It’s my way of reminding you I won’t expose my daughter to the media any more than she already has been.”
“We understand,” James says as he shoots his wife a look that has her clamping her mouth shut.
Is this what I used to look like?
“I’ll make sure she calls. Teenagers have a way of forgetting how important family is from time to time.”
James chuckles. “Isn’t that the truth? We look forward to hearing from her. Come on, Connie.” He holds out his arm, and she tucks her own in it. They retrace their steps, and I show them out. The minute the door closes I rest my back against it.
“You should throw salt behind them, so they don’t come back,” Jesslynn says.
“One, that’s an old wives tale, and two, they’re too evil for anything without serious juju to work.”
“Have they been this awful the entire time since they lost the custody hearing?”
“Worse. This is tame. Funny how they manage to tamp down their attitude when you assert yourself and let them know toxic relationships will no longer be tolerated.”
“Damn I’m proud of you.”
“It was speak up or go insane.” I sigh.
“Here. You sit. I’ll make another margarita.”
“I’m not finished with the first one.”
“You will be once you sit down. Those two would drive a Nun to drink.”
I sink onto the couch and take a gulp of the margarita to combat the feeling of walls squeezing in too close around me.
Chapter Four
Freeze
I feel out of place here among the families. Stone likes to slow things down every couple of weeks and do the family fun days. It’s great for the brothers who have Old Ladies and kids, and awkward as hell for brothers like me. They all know what I do. I can see it in their eyes. It’s my job to protect them. I’d never hurt them. But they eye me like one would a wild animal you keep as a pet.
“How’s it going, brother?”
I peer up at Shadow and grin. We’re cut from the same cloth, but he’s a lot better at peopling than I am. I learned to stick to myself. He was surrounded by family and friends his entire life. It’s the whole nature versus nurture issue.
“It’s going. You know he makes us show our
faces at these things.”
Shadow laughs. “Yeah as a single man they were never high on my priority list, but I knew Bolton liked them, so it was different for me.”
I nod my head. I like Shadow. He always handles his business like a pro and keeps a level head. Those are traits some brothers lack. They get lazy, sloppy, and emotionally compromised. We got our share of hot heads and head cases. You don’t go into a club, or an enforcer position because your life was great, and your headspace is in a pristine condition. Some of them live for the gore, the blood, and the battle. I did once. Until I realized, nothing I did would change my past.
I guess that’s called maturing. I feel older than twenty-nine. I think every year is like a dog year in this life. You age twice as fast as a normal person, ‘cause the things we see would turn a civilian’s hair white.
“Yeah. I could see that. How’s the boy doing? It has to be his last year.”
“Yeah man, he’s chomping at the bit to patch in, but Mama Bear put her foot down. He has to have his degree first.”
“It ain’t a bad move.”
“No. It helps with the image we’re trying to present, and having something to fall back on is always a plus. I remember those lean years when we were hurting for money back in the day. We want our people skilled so that doesn’t happen anymore.”
I nod my head. “Stone’s doing good things for the mother charter. We’re coming out of the dark ages.” We’d been shaken by betrayal and attack, but it only made us stronger. I think back to Psycho, a former enforcer. May you rest in peace, wherever you are, brother. He was someone I looked up to. Cool, collected, and skilled with a knife, his fists, and torture methods he had a way of compartmentalizing.
You’d never guess the family man was so dangerous. Losing him hurt. It opened my eyes to the fact that the Kings weren’t indestructible. When you’re riding in formation with your brothers on all sides, and living in a town that bends to your will, it’s easier to forget that.
“He is, and it’s about time. The next generation was hungry for change.”
“How’s your Old Lady?”
“Good. She should be showing up soon. Her and Ruthie were doing some more baby shopping.”
I laugh. “It seems like it’s in the water. You ready to be a Daddio again?”
“Yeah man, Bolton was the only good thing that crazy bitch of mine gave me. Having one with Blue now is a completely different experience.”
I nod my head. Daughter of one of our deceased Enforcers, Psycho, Bluebell always had a good head on her shoulders. I couldn’t say the same for her older sister, Calla. Currently serving time for drug trafficking, the junkie, and mother of Shadow’s first child, Bolton had caused nothing but grief. It was her fault the reaper came for her old man in the first place. Her and her shady mother. Just thinking about how it all went down made me snarl.
“You heard from Calla?”
Shadow sighs. “She places phone calls to Bolt, but he denies them. She also sends letters he doesn’t open. I’m not sure if she’s sincere and getting her shit together now that she’s detoxed in jail or trying to stir the pot. With a baby coming in a few months, I don’t have the time or patience to try and figure it out. She’s gotten enough from me over the years.”
I nod my head in agreement as I remember one of her full-blown tantrums in the clubhouse. She’s embarrassed the fuck out of herself many times over the years.
“Prison might’ve been the best thing to happen to her. Nothing puts reality into perspective than the loss of freedom,” I say.
“You’re right about that. I got to say I was shocked you didn’t ride out with Warp.”
I chuckle. “You and everyone else, but they don’t have the balls to say it out loud.”
“You thinking bout sticking around here? Cause we could use you for sure.”
“I might be.”
“If you do, there’s not one person here who wouldn’t vote yes to accept you. Especially after what happened with the Ab, and expansion of different businesses. We need someone watching our backs.”
“You think we’re going to have trouble with other M.C.’s?”
“I think jealousy is a hell of a motivator. We’re making more money than we ever have, and people are going to start taking notice and testing us. It starts petty and grows if you don’t squash it immediately. There’s a lot of little crews popping up and trying to make a name for themselves. The quickest way to do that is to strike out at the big boys.”
“If you have more balls than brains, maybe,” I mumble.
“Didn’t we all at their age, though?”
“Suppose you could be right on that.”
My phone buzzes. I take it out of the pocket in my cut, and my mood lightens.
“I gotta take this. I’ll catch you later.” I nod as I walk away from the clusters of conversations.
“Hey, Blanche.”
“Jagger. I think it’s time you start calling me, B.”
“Oh, are we getting into the friend zone?”
“Maybe.”
The woman keeps me on my toes. It’s refreshing. I like my submission in the bedroom only.
“What’s going on?”
“Calling to see if you have time for me today.”
“I think I can swing that. What did you have in mind, B?” She’s a skittish creature, so I try to proceed with caution and feel her out. I want to know what the bastard did that stole her smile, and put her defenses on high.
“Since Jess is working on business stuff all day. I thought we could swing by old time, grab some dinner, and wander around a bit?”
“I could re-up my cigar supply,” I say thinking of the specialty Cigar and tobacco store.
“You smoke?”
“On occasion.”
“I remember the smell of my dad’s pipe. I miss it when I’m away from home.”
“You want me to pick you up?”
“No, how about I meet you there in an hour?”
“Sounds good, In front of Raccine and Laramie?” I ask.
“Perfect. See you then.”
I replace my phone. I put in a good hour and a half here. If I leave, no one will think a thing of it. I’m on borrowed time. Soon enough they’ll notice I’m always absent during downtime, and the questions will roll in. I need to know where I stand with Blanche, and who she really is before that happens. As I make my way out of the park, I can’t help but notice the brothers with newborns and Old Ladies. For the first time ever, I realize, I might want that too. A person to call my own who’ll stick by me no matter what I got going on. A solitary life with long hours on the road, sloppy seconds from women obsessed with the biker image is no longer the dream it once was. I’ll be thirty in the blink of an eye and forty won’t be far behind. Being still long enough has given me time to think. As much as I hated it when I arrived. It wasn’t a bad thing.
***
It’s hard to believe the woman in a white t-shirt, black and white tennis shoes, and blue jean cut offs that highlight her thick thighs, and miles of milk-chocolate colored skin is over forty. I lick my lips and take a moment to admire her while she’s unaware. I want to know if she’ll melt in my mouth.
Her hair is smoothed back from her oval shaped face. I kind of miss her curls, but the dark color with brown highlights contrasts in an interesting manner. Everything about her pulls me to her like a magnet to metal. She looks up and offers me a smile. Again I notice the over-sized sunglasses hide her eyes. She’s disguising herself. Is it because she doesn’t want to be seen with me, or is it something more? She stands, and I step into her space. Her breathing hitches, and steadies. Her eyes widen, and her pupils dilate.
“You scared of me, B?”
She licks her lips. “No more than any other man.”
“You think I’m like other men, B
?”
She shakes her head. “No, and that makes you even more dangerous.”
“No, that makes me the right person.” I trail a fingertip down the side of her face. Her body tenses. “What did he do to you, baby?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, and I’m not up for a retelling.”
“Yet.”
She tilts her head. “You think you’re going to be around long enough to get to that point?”
“Oh, I know I am. This is me letting you know.”
“I don’t understand this, Jagger. It makes no sense.”
“Does it need to?”
“I made a life out of things that make sense.”
“And yet, there’s sadness in your eyes that tells me all the care and consideration you put into your decisions didn’t make you happy in the end.”
She gives a hollow laugh. “Understatement.”
“We’re both out of our depth. It puts us on even ground. What’s going on with you today?”
“My daughter announced her college. She’ll be moving to Virginia after the summer. I’m still reeling from it.”
“First child?”
“Only.”
“That must be hard.”
She nods. “We’re very close, but I understand her need for distance.”
“It’s a kid’s rite of passage to leave and spread their wings.”
“I know, but I’ve lost…a lot recently. It feels like another blow to the system. Of course, I didn’t let her know that.”
“Because you’re a good mom.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“It’s written all over your face when you talk about her, believe me. She’s lucky to have a parent who cares so much. Plenty of kids out there don’t get that.”
Her expression softens, and her eyes fill with pride. “It never feels like enough. When they’re younger, you change their diapers, nurse them, and keep them safe. As they get older, it all becomes more complex and seemingly impossible. You can’t cocoon them in bubble wrap and be there every moment of the day. You have to trust them to make the right decisions, and when they don’t, you have to let them know you‘ll always be there and love them, but it’s not okay. I lucked up with my daughter. She’s never given me too much drama or stepped too far off the path.”
