by Shyla Colt
“Your father adores your mama, and vice versa.”
She nods her head. “Yeah, but I think they’re an exception to the rule, not the norm.”
“Have you ever talked to her about this?”
“She says when it happens I’ll know and it’ll change my view on everything.” Jess sighs and rolls her eyes.
“Maybe she’s right. She looked at your dad at thirteen and told him, I’m going to marry you one day, boy, and five years later, she sure as hell did.”
“That was a different time. I think we’ve been told we can have it all and it’s not realistic. It’s why divorce is so prevalent. We have to be willing to meet in the middle, compromise and give up a few things. I don’t know if I am.”
“For the right man who was doing the exact same thing for you?”
She sighs. “Maybe, or maybe I’m just selfish, and I should be alone.”
“Now that’s the small town we grew up in talking. Chasing your dream, fulfilling yourself, and gaining an independent financial security before you pursue love is not a bad thing. How can you give yourself to someone when you’re still trying to figure out who you are, and what you want? Everyone’s journey is different. Don’t be hard on yourself because yours is unique. To be made for you it couldn’t be the run of the mill.”
“You always have the right words to make me feel better.”
“Ditto, babe.”
“Enough touchy feely. Hook me up with a biker before I leave. I want to mark it off my bucket list.”
“Why would my mom know a biker?” Whitney mumbles as she stumbles into the room with heavy-lidded eyes.
“You want breakfast, baby?” I ask as I stand to make her a plate.
“Yes, please. What’s up with you and bikers?”
“Yes, what is up with that?” Jesse asks placing her hand on her fist as she flutters her long lashes.
In for a penny, in for a pound. I pop two Eggos into the toaster, grab a banana and pour a cup of coffee with cream and sugar.
“I have a new friend I’ve been spending time with.”
“Oh my God, I knew it! You never text, and I’ve heard you giggle a few times.” Whitney points at me. “But wait, this guy is a biker? How did you even meet him? What’s his name? Is this like…serious?”
The toaster pops, and I turn, stalling as I finish compiling her breakfast. I slide the plate over to her.
“Aunt Jess and I met him when we went out for a girl’s night. His name is Freeze, and I don’t know what we are. We hang out, do fun things, and text back and forth. He knows I’m not looking to jump into a relationship. He’s not either.”
“Does he know about me?” Whitney asks.
“A little. He knows I have a daughter, but I never get too deep.”
“Why not?” she asks picking up her Eggo and taking a monster-sized bite.
“Because I don’t know him that well yet, and I want to keep you safe.”
“Mom. At this point, it’d be pretty hard for something worse to happen to this family.”
Her sarcasm stings. “Whitney?”
“What? Are we going to pretend Dad didn’t snap and try to kill you? We go off to our separate doctors, purge, and return home where we avoid the topic altogether.”
“I’m always here to listen.”
“I don’t want you to listen. I want you to talk. Share with me. Tell me how you feel. Because I know you’re not okay. You act like you are, but that’s bullshit.”
“Whitney Pearl!”
“No Mama. You want me to tell you how I feel? Well, this is it. Stop acting like you’re Superwoman and be real with me.” She slams her palms down on the counter, and I blink.
I place a hand on my chest as I begin to hyperventilate.
“Mom.”
“B?”
I grip the edge of the counter. Tears well in my eyes and I shake as my stomach protests.
“She’s having a panic attack.”
I nod my head and walk away from their penetrating gazes. My chest loosens, and I focus on getting my breaths under control. Sweat beads on my forehead. I move to the bathroom, turn on the faucet, and splash my face. The cool water grounds me, and my breathing slows.
“What the fuck was that?” Jess whispers from the doorway.
I glance over at the two faces dearest to me.
“That was a panic attack. You want me to say I’m not okay, Whit? I’m not. Not by a long shot. But it doesn’t mean I can’t fake it because, at the end of the day, I’m still your parent. I’m the one who needs to be solid to help you. I’m horrified by your father’s actions. It makes me sick even thinking about it. It also makes me angry, frightened, and completely unsure of anything else. How could I spend almost twenty years with a man who could try to murder me? I have a lot going on beneath my surface, and I keep it locked up tight because if I don’t. I panic. You want real? There it is.”
“Mom, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“And I didn’t want you to. You think I like you seeing me like this?” I shake my head. “It’s embarrassing to not be in complete control. What happened shorted something inside me. I get antsy and nervous. I don’t like to be around crowds or men I don’t know. Freeze is different. He feels safe, and when I’m with him, I can relax. So yes, he’s important to me for reasons I can’t even explain. He’s scary at first glance, but really nice, at least to me which is honestly all I care about. Because if there’s one thing I learned about life is that it’s to be lived to the fullest every second of the day. Just not at your expense. So, please let me work my way up to this.”
“Alright, Mama. I’m sorry,” Whitney whispers.
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from.”
“I do. I didn’t mean to explode. I couldn’t take the silence that’s settled between us. I’m so angry at Daddy and confused. Why? Why would he do that?” Her lower lip trembles and I stifle the urge to pull her into my arms. She needs the chance to get this all out.
“We may never know, honey. When I looked into his eyes. The man we knew and loved was not present.”
She balls her fists. “I hate him for what he’s done to us. But he’s still my dad. How can I be loyal to you and feel like that?” She shakes her head.
“We’re able to feel a multitude of emotions at the same time. One doesn’t necessarily cancel out the other. No matter what happens, he will always be your father, and there’s plenty of good memories before this. I’m not asking you to choose a side.”
Her body shakes. “Mama.”
I rush forward and pull her to my side. She rests her head on my shoulder, and I smooth my hand through her light brown curls. She’s tall like her father at five-foot-ten-inches, with a slender waist, and my curves from the hips down. It’s a dangerous combination for a young woman, and I’ve had my shotgun ready for the boys since she hit thirteen. “It’s going to be alright, little bug. It’ll take time, a lot of therapy, and honesty, but we’ll get through it the same way we’ve gotten through everything else.”
She wraps her arms around my waist, and I peer over at Jess who slowly backs away, leaving the two of us to bond. The storm gates are breaking, and feelings are flooding over. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Chapter Six
Freeze
“Remember that hike you promised me?”
“Vaguely,” I say as I prop myself up on my elbow in the dorm.
“Well, I’m collecting. I put on three more pounds, and I’m going stir crazy in the house.”
“For the record, I like your shape just fine. When and where were you thinking?”
“Sunset Cliffs, if you’re up for the challenge.”
I sit up in bed. “You don’t think I can keep up?”
“Believe me. I’m not chall
enging you. I don’t need my ass handed to me my first time out in years. It’d be bad for my self-esteem.”
I smirk. “We wouldn’t want that.”
“I’m glad we’re on the same page.”
“Jess wasn’t game?” I ask fishing for more information.
“I don’t know, I didn’t ask her. It wouldn’t make sense when you’re the one I want to spend time with.”
“I like spending time with you too, B.”
“I wanted to talk about a few things too, figured this would be a good way to multi-task.”
“When?”
“Sunset Cliffs Park in an hour?”
“Works for me. See you soon, B.”
“What the hell am I going to wear for a hike?” I ask myself. I shake my head and laugh. This woman has me doing all kinds of new things. It’s more refreshing than I expected. My world’s been small. I got involved with the Kings, and they became my life. My vision was narrowed to learning from Warped and taking care of what others couldn’t. I honed my craft and my persona. It left little time to discover thing most men in their twenties do.
She makes me view things in a different light. I’m not worried about appearing soft when I’m having fun with her. Things are easy and light. It’s a vibe I desperately needed in my life. It makes me feel balanced. I went from one extreme to another until now when things have settled into a place I never thought I’d arrive at. A semi-peaceful spot where I’m figuring out who I am beyond my position or my cut.
The club is my life. I’ll always put them first when I need to. But this is about the man I am and want to be. I like trying new fancy foods at quirky spots, having a woman to talk to and text about normal things. I settle on a pair of cargo pants with pockets, a white t-shirt, and my cut, which I’ll leave in my saddle bag. I don’t want to end up against the wrong person in the wrong place with no backup. Satisfied, I head out my dorm. It’s mid-afternoon on a Saturday, so the place is tame as I walk through the main room. Small clusters of brothers are playing pool, drinking at the bar, and shooting the shit in front of the massive flat screen tv.
“What’s going on with you, Freeze?”
I pause in mid-step and turn to glance at Stone. “I do something wrong, Prez?”
“No, but you’re getting ready to run off again, right? Can’t remember the last time you were here for downtime or took one of the girls to the back. I notice that and I start to get worried.”
“I got a woman in town.”
Stone’s eyes widen.
“Yeah, went out for a drink, and came home with a number. We ended up hitting it off and we been figuring things out since.”
“You thinking of bringing her around.”
“Maybe. Trying to feel her out before it gets that serious.”
“That’s the last thing I thought you’d tell me, brother.”
I shrug. “Can’t live off easy lays forever.”
His eyes take on a faraway expression. “Yeah, you’re right about that. Carry on, but know pretty soon you’re going to have to make a choice on how you want to define her.”
I nod my head. “I know.” I’m lucky I flew under the radar for as long as I had. Stone is a hawk when it comes to his people. I put off serious conversations, but the time is fast approaching.
***
I can’t help but appreciate the beauty of nature as I pull into the sandy parking area overlooking a dark blue ocean with foaming waves. Gulls fly above, and the smell of salt permeates the air. As much as I’ve been here off and on, I never took the time to explore like this. I kill the engine and climb off admiring the scenery. After all, I’ve witnessed in this life, the idealistic scenery soothes the beast inside me. As a kid doing my best to blend in with the crowd, and please my foster parent of the month enough to keep a roof over my head, I never would’ve imagined my life here.
I had money, a place to stay, and brothers who’d die for me. I made a family of my own. I catch movement out of the corner of my eye and turn. The black Yoga pants and black tank top, highlight B’s shape. I admire the gentle sway of her hips as she walks toward me and the make-up free face. Her eyes are shaded by sunglasses, but her warm smile makes up for my inability to see her gaze.
“Hey, thanks for coming.”
“Have I ever told you no, B?”
She smiles up at me and gives a small shake of her head. “No, but there’s always a first time. Come on, let’s hit the trails while it’s still empty.”
We make our way down the mapped off the trail, side by side. I drink in the greenery and the pops of pink and yellow from the flower blooming amongst the brush. Minutes pass, and we make our way along. It feels good moving my body and soaking up the sun and scenery.
“I wanted to talk about what we’re doing.”
“Hiking?” I tease.
“No. I’m starting to count on having you in my life. It scares me.”
“What are you asking me, B?”
“Where we stand.”
“I been wondering the same thing myself.”
We pause and walk off the main walkway closer to a cliff. Eroded away by water like a master sculpture with clay, the reddish-orange land structures are a work of art.
“My life is different from anything you’ve ever known. It’s fast-paced, crazy, but structured and loyal. We have rules that keep us all on track.”
“Are you breaking one by being here with me?”
“No, but my President is going to ask where we stand soon, and I need to know what to stay. People in our lives have to be trusted to keep their mouths shut about what they might see.”
She licks her lips, and I wonder if I’m losing her. My heart lurches.
“And what else?” she asks.
“There’ll be things you won’t understand or know everything about, and I’d need you to trust me. If I tell you to do something, it’d be to keep you safe. I’d keep certain things to myself for the same reason.”
“Jagger, this is scary.”
“It can be.” I nod my heads.
“Would I be in danger?”
“Now? No, but I can’t say what might happen in the future. I can tell you our women are protected.”
“No one can do that every second of the day.”
“No, but we’d do our damnedest. Our woman mean something to us.”
“And in their eyes, I’d be yours? Your woman?”
I step closer and cup the back of her neck. “Aren’t you already? I’ve let you call the shots every step of the way. Believe me that doesn’t happen often with me. So when I say you’re special to me, trust I mean it. Our friendship is unlike anything I’ve ever had before, and every day it’s growing, morphing into something that won’t fit into that nice and neat box we first placed it in.”
She tilts her head back and licks her lip.
“You want this as much as I do, don’t you, baby?”
“Damn you. Yes, I do.”
“Then let me give it to you.” I trace her lips with the tip of my tongue. “Open up and let me in.”
Her lips part and I plunge my tongue inside. She moans, and I nibble, tease, and taste her until her body is flush against mine and we’re both breathing heavily.
“I’m nowhere near done with you, B.”
“I want you to come to my condo and have dinner with me, Jess, and my daughter, Whitney. I want to…move this forward.”
“Yeah? You know I ain’t the meet the parent’s type, right?”
“Good thing mine are in Tennessee.”
“You and that mouth.” I nip her bottom lip. “Can you handle my life, B?”
“To be with you.” She nods her head. “Yes.”
“Once you’re mine, I ain’t letting you go, girl. So you need to be sure.”
“I am scared out of my mind. I’m
worried I’ll eventually scare you off with my crazy, or you’ll realize how unextraordinary I am and that things will sour or change between us. I have plenty of concerns, but one certainty. That I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t take this chance with you now because I, Blanche Birling have a serious case of like going on for you, Jagger.
“Ryan… Jagger Ryan, and I feel exactly the same way. I’m not this guy I am with you. He’s new. I’m damaged. The things I’ve seen and done have twisted me. One day you’re going to see that first-hand.”
“And yet I know you’d never lay a hand on me.”
“Any man who hits a woman is a coward,” I sneer. “Fuck, B. We’re really doing this aren’t we?” I ask as I grip her hips.
“Yeah.” She nods. “I think we are.”
I lift her into the air, and she wraps her arms around my neck as I attack her lips, claiming her properly. Our other kisses have been different. They were before I had the right to call her mine. She whimper into my mouth removes my hair tie and buries her fingers in my thick hair. The gentle scrape of her nails against my scalp makes me moan. The wolf whistles make us jump. We part, and she laughs into my shoulder as I shoot a glare toward the teenagers who make the wise decision to move along.
“You always make me forget myself.”
For the first time ever, I regret not having a place other than the dorm. I lower her to the ground.
“There’s a lot I need to school you on before I take you to the clubhouse, B. I don’t want you going in blind.”
“Are we going back to the rules you mentioned?”
“Yeah babe, we’re a little old school when it comes to men and women. It’s an old boys club. Women stay out of our business dealings, and trust us to make the best decisions.”
“I don’t like the picture you’re painting.”
“You show my brothers respect, and they’ll do the same. Yes, I’m the king of our castle, but unless it’s safety related, I don’t have a problem with talking things over with you. I’m not the type of man who wants you to bow to him. The only submission I want from you is in the bedroom.” Blood rushes to her cheeks. “I love it when you blush, B. It makes me want to say all the dirty things to you I’ve been thinking about for months.”
