by Shyla Colt
“Only when we have those people who come in and don’t really want help. Those are hard. Sometimes they turn around, and other times they don’t.” I close my eyes and lean back against the couch.
“Is that why you quit before?”
“Yes, I had two really tough cases back to back, and I was stretched thin between my job, all of the functions I had to attend with Brooks, and all of Whitney’s activities. I could have hired help, but I wasn’t going to let someone else raise her. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I felt like I was missing out on too much. It was the right choice. I think we were all happier for the reprieve.”
“And you didn’t mind it?”
“No, I was happy to take a step back from being Super Woman for a while.”
“If you loved being a mom so much, why didn’t you have more children?”
“I think part of me knew things weren’t that great between Brooks and I. Sure, we had money, but I was virtually a single parent in so many ways. It wasn’t what I signed up for.” The present me surfaces.
“Tell me what you wanted.”
“To raise a family together. I’m a simple girl. I wanted family dinners, outings, birthdays where I make the cake, and cheesy weekend trips, and vacations. I always thought I’d have a mid-sized family in a life full of love and laughter. I couldn’t care less about how wealthy Brooks was. I liked that he made me laugh, accepted me, quirks and all, and I believed at the time, wanted the same things I did.”
“And now you don’t?”
“I think he tricked me into getting what he needed. A nice, naïve, proper southern wife who could hold down the fort, make him look good, and raise his child. He was always going to do what he wanted.”
“That’s fucked up, B.”
“So are a lot of other things in the world.”
“That’s not you talking, B.”
“When it comes to this it is. I wasted so many years on this man. I refuse to let him have a moment more of my life. It sickens me to think of how long I lived in darkness, and then denial. I always made excuses for him. Work kept him away. He was too preoccupied with his patients to remember our anniversary. But hey, at least his secretary thought to send flowers and pick out a gift. I got some dope pieces of jewelry from her.”
“Jesus, baby.”
“I wanted him to be someone he wasn’t, and in doing that, I made a prison for myself.”
“What changed?”
“Realizing Whitney was watching my every move. Thinking about what I was teaching her, and how I’d feel if a man every tried to treat her the way her father did me. I knew then I had to be stronger. That’s why I confronted him that night. I wanted him to know I wasn’t that stupid girl he married. I knew what he was doing, and I was done turning a blind eye.”
J covers my shoulders with his hands and massages the tension from them. “You know what happened then?”
“I do.”
I nod my head. “Then I don’t need to go into details.”
“If he ever comes near you or Whitney again, I’m putting him in the ground where no one will find him.”
“You don’t know the kind of money his parents have.”
“B, I don’t give a fuck if his father is the President of the United States. He comes near you, and they won’t have to worry about trying to find him again, ‘cause he will permanently disappear off the face of this planet. I don’t make threats. I keep promises.”
It should sicken me, but it doesn’t. Knowing this man who just gently twisted my hair would kill to protect me, and my daughter only makes me more certain with him is exactly where I need to be. I lean my head back and meet his gaze.
“If you ever see or even get the slightest inclining he’s around, you call me, or the clubhouse. Then you come to my work or the club.”
“You’ve seen how jumpy I can be.”
“What did I say, B? The slightest hint and you get to safety.” His eyes flash with anger I know isn’t directed toward me.
I nod my head.
“Good. I’ve seen this shit go sideways too many times. You can never underestimate crazy, especially the crafty ones. They have a way of waiting in the wings until you let your guard down.”
I don’t have to ask him to know he’s speaking from experience. The M.C. life isn’t always easy. There was a time when it might have scared me away. It doesn’t because I know better than most, trouble follows you wherever you go. I should’ve been safe in my million dollar home located in a gated community, married to my perfect husband. Instead, I still wake from nightmares feeling his hands around my throat. That’s the ultimate irony, the doctor who was meant to heal, tried to steal away my life.
“Hair’s done. Now let’s order in, feed you, and go to bed early.”
I smile up at him. “You don’t have to call it a night just because I’m tired.”
“Who said anything about going to sleep right away?” he asks as he reaches for the menus in the end table drawer.
I never would’ve imagined this as my life. A sexy younger man, with a troubled past, unconventional lifestyle, and the ability to make me happy in a way I’d forgotten was possible. I’m not naïve. I know he’s done bad things. There’s blood on his hands, and the club is much more than a group of motorcycle enthusiast who own businesses around town. We have a need to know policy. It keeps us both safe and sane. He says it’s the club policy with Old Ladies. Whatever happens in the future, I know with one-hundred percent certainty, this is where I’m supposed to be.
***
The women of K.O.C. are getting together with their families at Ruth’s. I’ve met her a few times at family days, but I’m nervous. The only one I really know is Dixie Rose. Blue has been absent because of her impending pregnancy. She had Camellia a few weeks ago, and I think she’ll be here along with Nevada, who’s married to another Enforcer, Wizard, and their little boy, Vegas.
I knock on the door and shove my hands in the pockets of my khaki shorts. The red head answers the door and smiles.
“I’m so glad you came, Blanche.”
“Thank you for inviting me.”
“You’re welcome.” She steps back, and I smile as I realize she has a dark haired little girl attached to her leg.
“Well, hi,” I say waving.
“This is Skye.”
“Hi, Skye.”
She smiled up at me and takes off like a light.
“Come on. We’re all hanging out in the back yard. We try to get together like this a couple times a month. It’s pretty low key. It helps us battle the testosterone overload we’re all faced with because of the Kings’ Sausagefest.”
I laugh. “That is such an accurate description.” I admire her house. It’s got an authentic vintage feel. “I love your house.”
“Thank you. It belonged to Skull’s grandparents. We’ve made upgrades here and there, but I couldn’t stand to do an overhaul. It’s too beautiful as it is.”
I nod my head in agreeance as we step through the sliding door. There’s a swing set, sandbox, and baby slide. The ladies and lunch are set up at patio tables.
I wave as we approach, and take a seat next to Dixie Rose who’s holding Blue’s baby.
“Hey, ladies,” I say.
“Blue, this is Blanche. Blanche, this is Blue and my goddaughter, Delphine.”
“She’s beautiful,” I say taking in the tiny bundle in a pink dress with mermaids, tiny pink sandals and a head full of dark curls.
I hold out my hand. “It’s nice to finally put a face to the name,” I say as reach out to shake Blue’s hand.
“Likewise. I have to admit. I’ve been dying to meet you since Shadow told me Freeze had a woman.”
“He told me his reputation would proceed him, but that didn’t prepare me for the response when we walked in, together.”
Blue
laughed. “I would have paid money to see that.”
“It still happens. Your daughter is beautiful.”
“Thank you. I still can’t believe she’s here.”
“It’s an adjustment once you have them.”
“Do you have children?” Blue asked.
“One girl, Whitney. She just started her freshman year in Virginia this year.”
“You do not look old enough to have a baby in college,” Ruth says.
I laugh. “Thank you for that.”
“So when are you and Echo going to add to your family?” Ruth asks Dixie Rose.
“Maybe in another year or so. I just got the new job, and we’re enjoying each other and the house. We had so much keeping us apart for so long.” She sighs.
I don’t know their story, but it seems like it was full of pain.
“But that’s all over now,” Blue says.
“I’m glad some good came of it at least,” Dixie Rose replies.
“I’m lost.”
“The old Bylaws were…” Ruth trails off
“Racist,” Dixie supplies.
My mouth forms an O.
“They only allowed white and Hispanic members into the club, and some members, Echo’s Father, in particular, took that mentality too far,” Dixie Rose says.
“Wow. I’m sorry. I’m from the Deep South, so, I get it.”
“Stone squashed it. They voted to change the laws and took out the garbage. It’s a better environment now. So I don’t want you worrying about anything,” Blue says.
There’s a moment of silence and sadness that falls over the table. I’m missing something. I don’t know them well enough to pry, so I make a mental note to ask Jagger later.
“Where’s Tinley?” I ask as I watch the children interact. All the little ones running around make me miss that stage in life. They’re so sweet and curious at that age. They almost make me want another one with their baby hands, chubby faces, and sweet smells.
“She had to work today,” Ruth says.
“She’s such a good mom. I feel bad that her douche bag back home is being a dick and denying Cody,” Dixie Rose says.
“She’s not going after him for a Paternity test?” I ask surprised she’d let it slide.
“Not that I know of.”
I wonder why.
“Maybe he’s more trouble than the money he’d send would be worth,” Ruth suggests.
“She works hard, but she also makes good money. She doesn’t need anything from him, and maybe that’s for the best,” Nevada suggests.
“Not everyone is built to be a parent, that’s for sure,” I agree.
The topic shifts and I grab one of the deli sandwiches on the display in the center of the table.
“There are drinks in the cooler too,” Ruth says gesturing toward the white and blue square beside us.
“Thanks.” I snag a bottled of water and listen, soaking up all the information they’re providing like a sponge.
“So, Calla gets out of jail next year,” Blue says quietly.
“Shit,” Ruth, Dixie Rose, and Nevada say at the same time.
“I’m sorry, who?” I glance around the table at the sympathetic expressions.
“My sister, Bolton’s biological mother.”
“Satan’s spawn,” Ruth mumbles.
“My sister has problems. She’s an addict who never put Bolton first. Always acting out, getting into trouble, and running to my father, God rest his soul, to bail her out. Our sibling rivalry is somewhat of a legend around the club. I never wanted anything more than to be friends, but she wasn’t interested in that.”
“That’s the nice version. She’s a raging cunt who’s always been spiteful, jealous, and hateful. Somewhere along the line, she took a wrong turn and never got on track. She took all her failures, disappointments and mistakes out on Blue with the help of her enabling mom.”
“They had their reasons,” Blue says quietly.
“Yeah, really shitty ones,” Dixie Rose says.
‘I’m sorry, it couldn’t have been an easy thing to go through,” I whisper.
“It wasn’t, but that’s all over, and I refuse to go back. Hearing she’ll be coming home was a shock to the system. I’d put it on the backburner, you know. Then I get this letter in the mail from her.”
“Oh I have to hear this,” Ruth said.
“It wasn’t what you’d think actually. She wants to come back and build a relationship with Bolton—”
“Oh, come on. He has no interested in her after everything she put him through,” Ruth says.
“I know. It’s his choice, though, and I refuse to pressure him one way or another. As much as I love him like my own, she’s his mother.”
“Yeah, but you’re his mom. There’s a wealth of difference in those two things,” Nevada says.
Blue smiles. “You think so?”
“We, know so. What does Shadow say?” Ruth asks.
“Yeah about that,” Blue whispers quietly looking guilty.
“Girl, you didn’t tell him yet?” Dixie clucks her tongue.
“I want to let him enjoy Delphine a little more before I let a storm cloud roll in. He and Bolty. They deserve some family bonding, and I have plenty of time before she shows up.” She shrugs, and Dixie Rose relinquishes her hold on Delphine.
As Blue cuddles the newborn to her chest, I see the fear flash in her dark eyes. Calla must be hell on wheels to shake everyone so much.
“Whatever you need we’re here for you, but you better come clean before he finds out from someone else,” Ruth says.
“I will. I’m going to do it tonight.” She kisses the top of Delphine’s head. “For her sake, I hope she’s ready to make good on everything she wrote me because I’m not letting anything hurt my family or me. She’s had a lifetime worth of second chances. This is her final one as far as I’m concerned.”
“I wouldn’t even give her that. You’re better than me,” Ruth mumbles.
“You know we’re friends when we start airing our dirty laundry in front of you,” Nevada says.
“I think I top you on skeletons in the closet. My ex-husband tried to drown me in our swimming pool. When I escaped, he went on the run, and he hasn’t been seen since.”
Nevada’s eyes widen. “Are you for real? That’s something straight off the ID Channel.”
“Yeah. I know.” I cringe.
“Hey, judgment free zone here,” Ruth says.
I sigh, glad to have it off my chest. They don’t look at me differently as we move on to the next topic seamlessly. I’m finding my place in all areas of my life as I put myself back together and the mosaic I’m making is more beautiful than I could imagine. It’s incredible the breathtaking creations you can construct from broken slivers of glass, and souls.
Chapter Twelve
Freeze
It’s surreal sitting here at my desk at work and working on a letter to a woman I never knew, but wouldn’t be here without. I sat on this for a month, and all it did was stick in my craw. I want answers and information only she can give me.
Karen,
I’m not really sure what to say here. You’re right. I don’t know if I can ever fully forgive you, but I appreciate your apology and the fact that you owned up to your mistakes. I respect that in a person. It’s not easy to look at the bad choices we’ve made for what they are and see how they affected others. If you saw my records, you know I made a few wrong turns myself. I met a man in prison who gave me something better to live for. That’s why I ended up here in California.
I don’t know if I can give you what you want. Our relationship could never be a traditional mother/son dynamic. I been on my own too long, and frankly, I’m not interested. But there are things I want to know that only you can answer. I do want to see yo
u if only once. My memories of my childhood, Nana, and you and Dad have grown fuzzy. I’d like to have something more solid.
I’ll be able to clear my schedule in the coming months if you have time. I’m a rip the Band-Aid off kind of man, and I want to get this out of the way. Once we meet, we can decide the best way to proceed from there. If you’re agreeable to this, please let me know. If this is a ploy to try to extort money from me, I highly suggest you reconsider and not send a response letter. I’m not a man to be trifled with, and I have no sympathies to rely on.
While I may be made from half of your DNA, we both know I haven’t belonged to you nor you me in a long time.
Jagger
I end the letter with my name, unsure of what else there is to say, or the right way to conclude the passages. I slip the letter into the pre-addressed, stamp envelope and seal it shut. Karen made replying an easy thing to do. I want to believe the best, but people spent too many years showing me the worst they had to offer. The only thing I’ve ever known from my mother is pain. It’s a sad, fucked up situation. I put the letter in the pile of outgoing mail and rise. I’m done for the day, and ready to blow off some steam in the gym.
I have time. Whitney is home for a long weekend, and I want to give Mother and daughter time to bond.
***
“Wait, what do you mean you’ve never been to Disneyland?” Whitney asks dumbfounded.
I shrug. “Never had a desire to see it, kid.”
“Mom, we cannot let this travesty continue.”
I glance at B warily.
They’re speaking a silent language all their own.
“I think he’s fine not seeing it.”
“Mom, it’s the only place I want to go though, and I know how you feel about super public places, but we’re old news by now, and who’s going to say anything with Jagger there?”
I smirk. She’s not above using me to get her way. Whether or not she actually likes me, I can’t tell yet.
“You trying to con us into taking you to Disneyland, kid?”
“I’m not a kid, and yes.” She bats her lashes. “Please, J?”
I suddenly understand the term Daddy’s girl. The kid is weakening my resolve.
