"I've been wanting you again since the minute you left." He put his hot lips on my neck as he unbuttoned my blouse and slid it off my shoulders. He sucked my neck. Hard. With so much urgency, I gasped as the heat of his mouth on my neck radiated out, coursing through my body. I didn't care if he branded me as his. I wanted him to. I wanted him.
As I arched my neck, he unfastened my bra like he knew sleight of hand. One minute it was there. The next it fell away, disappearing onto the floor.
When he caught my tightly budded breast in his mouth, I sighed. The heat between my legs flamed. And I was lost. I laced my fingers around his head and held his hot, hungry mouth to my breast. His window was open a crack. A spring breeze blew in, rustling the mini-blinds and flowing over my skin like one of Logan's caresses.
"I need to feel you against me, El. Naked against me." His words brushed against my skin. He tugged my skirt off, then my lace thong panties, and stood back to stare at me. "You're so fucking gorgeous, I could almost come right now just looking at you."
When he slid his jean and briefs off he was erect and ready and totally unselfconscious as I stared blatantly at him. He grinned. "Like what you see?"
I smiled back at him. "Put that thing where it belongs."
The returning look in his eyes was a challenge. His eyes were dark and his nipples erect. He bent at the knees to even our heights. Then he pulled me against him and slid between my legs, not entering me, but teasing from the outside, stroking me until I was wetter than I'd ever been and trembling with desire.
"Logan," I whispered, and teased him by pulling on his nipples until he moaned.
His lips came down on mine and he kissed me with such fervor that I lost myself as he gyrated his hips, grinding into me, stroking me with his dick until I moaned, too.
He hovered at my opening, pushing into me like he was going to enter me. His dick was hot and hard and thrilling against me. And the feel of his skin so much more erotic and enticing than condom rubber. If I let him, he'd plunge in without one.
I wanted him to. But I was afraid. "Logan."
"Yeah. I know." He grabbed my butt and kept me pressed tightly against him, still between my legs as he walked us toward the bed and pulled a condom from somewhere. He slid it on and fell on top of me on the bed.
I opened my legs for him and stared up into his eyes. "What are you waiting for?"
"You to be ready." He reached between my legs to stroke me.
I pulled his hand away and guided his dick in. "I'm ready now." I arched up into him.
No longer a scared virgin, I was wet for him. He slid in as I gasped again and wrapped my legs around his waist and rocked into his rhythm again and again.
"Harder," I whispered in his ear, and ran my tongue around the rim and thrust it in his ear.
"Fuck, El. You make me lose all control."
"That's the point. Lose it, Logan. Lose it with me." I clasped him to me.
He thrust harder and deeper. Deeper and deeper until I lost track of everything but the heat of his body and the pleasure building between my legs. Just when I was so tightly wound I thought I would snap, someone gasped and moaned. I realized it was me. Wave after wave of pleasure radiated through me. "Oh, oh, oh. Logan!"
He clutched me to him. "El!"
I lay beneath him, totally content. We were both breathing hard when we pulled apart and he rolled off of me. I lay on my back with my breasts budding and pointing at the ceiling, my arms outstretched.
Next to me, Logan leaned on one elbow, his free hand tracing the valley between my breasts as he studied me. "That was amazing."
"Amazing." I smiled. "Do you think we added to Zave's hangover headache?"
"I damn well hope so. He's probably in his room jacking off now."
"Shut up."
"Sorry. That was crude. Who wouldn't get turned on hearing my name on your lips and the way you cried out?"
I studied him. "Like, anyone else but you. You're terrible."
He laughed and bent to kiss my breasts. "El, you know what I want more than anything in the world?"
"Hmmmm, let me think. To win the world's largest lottery?"
"Close, but no." He leaned in and whispered in my ear. "I want to slide into you someday, just me. No condom."
My heart raced with both fear and desire. I pushed the fear aside. "You have simple wants."
"Does that mean you'll think about it?"
"Maybe." I smiled coyly.
"Okay. I won't push. But, you know, graduation is coming up…"
There was a thump in the living room that startled us both and saved me from having to reply. I laughed and cuddled into Logan like he should protect me from anything. The noise was followed by Zave cursing.
Zave's voice brought back something he'd said. About all the girls Logan had brought back to the apartment, but only once. I knew about Logan's past and how he'd fallen apart after being raped and went on a sort of girl binge, sleeping with just about everyone.
I should have bitten my tongue, but I didn't. "Logan? How many?"
His brow furrowed like he didn't understand. "How many what?"
"Girls." My heart threatened to pound out of my chest. I traced my fingers over his abs, refusing to look him directly in the eyes.
He frowned. "I don't know. I lost count. Shit, that sounds harsh. It's not like it mattered, and I was drunk or high most of the time. I'm not the kind of guy who puts notches on his belt or his bedpost or whatever the hell."
He tipped my face so I couldn't avoid looking him in the eyes. "I'm clean, El, if that's what you're worried about. I was tested. No STDs. Nothing. But I'll get tested again if that's what you want."
I didn't answer right away. That wasn't what I was worried about. Not really. I was terrified of running into more of them. Of an unintended consequence down the road. Something like me.
"Me too. I'm clean. You're the only one."
The way he smiled at me nearly broke my heart. "Let's keep it that way. I love you, El." He kissed me lightly. "So you are the kind of girl who keeps count."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't worry. I don't mind. I'll even carve the notch on your bedpost for you."
Chapter Six
Logan
El was so beautiful, especially after sex. All Logan wanted to do was El, again and again. She was naked and entwined with him, totally unselfconscious as her breasts budded and rubbed against his chest. He couldn't keep his hands off her. And it was like his dick had a mind of its own.
She was the first girl since the incident he'd been able to open up to. There was something about El that turned him on and made him want only her. He didn't want to analyze it too hard or think about it too much. He didn't want to lose her, either.
He nuzzled her neck, thinking how awesome it would be to slide back into her, when her words stopped him cold.
"Why didn't you tell me you're thinking of going to grad school?" El's tone wasn't accusing. It was not like it or the question should have set him off. But she sounded way too optimistic. And it was clear what she wanted even without looking into her eyes.
He tried to keep his heart from racing. He didn't want her to feel his fear. "When would I have told you? We just got back together last night?" He laughed like it was a joke to deflect her attention to something else.
She shrugged in his arms and her breasts rubbed against him erotically. She was trying to kill him.
"Falcon never mentioned it. Never even hinted. You could have said something as him and then I'd know now. I ran into Collin and Zave a couple of times while we were apart. They never breathed a word. It's like they were sworn to secrecy on penalty of a slow, tortured death. There's no other way they could keep a secret." She stroked his arm, running her fingers so softly over the hairs she brought goose bumps up.
He shrugged now, too, trying to seem casual when his heart pounded an uneven cadence. "I didn't saying anything to them and they didn't ask."
"Guys
! Don't you ever talk?"
"No." He laughed. "Should we?"
She gently slapped his arm. "You haven't answered the question—were you trying to keep it a secret?"
"No. Like I told Jason, it's no big deal. I haven't made up my mind what I'm going to do."
"But you never said a word before, either," she said. "When did you decide to apply?"
"Last fall. Before…everything."
"Oh." She bit her lip. She looked so cute when she did that. "You could at least interview. Keep your options open." She pushed up to lean back on her elbows and stare at him and implore him without stating it.
He knew what she wanted, but he wasn't sure he could give it to her.
"It's not that simple, El." He swallowed hard, not wanting to think about it, not wanting to spell it out, but she deserved an answer. "I'm not sure I can stay here for another year or more…after the trial."
Her eyes went wide and round with fear and sympathy. He hated sympathy. He was fucking tired of sympathy.
"Logan." His name sounded sad on her lips now, breaking the spell from earlier.
He took a deep breath to fight back the anger burbling up inside. That old familiar, terrifying rage. He hated all this shit and how the rape had changed his life. Before, no one had pitied him. He'd been the envy of everyone—athletic, from a rich family, destined to be a pro baseball player. The injury that ended his baseball career and the rape that followed had taken away more than his dreams and aspirations. They'd robbed him of his pride. Nearly three years later, he still didn't deal well with all this shit.
"I'll be there for you—after and at the trial—"
"No! Don't. I don't want you there." The words popped out almost before they were even conscious thought.
A quick look of hurt crossed her face. Her mouth quivered. Shit. He immediately wished he could stuff the words back in. He'd hurt her again.
He leaned forward and pulled her into his arms, relieved when she didn't push him away and reject him. "I'm sorry. It's not you. I don't want you anywhere near that bitch."
After all that counseling, he thought he'd taken control of his emotions and turned them into something useful. He was losing control again. "I don't want her to get to you. "
"Logan."
He must have looked as fierce as he felt. El's eyes were wide with fear and worry. He felt like crap for scaring her.
"It's okay." She stroked his chin. "You don't have to explain to me. I understand. I wouldn't want to sit in front of a group of strangers and lawyers and talk about the day I walked in on Austin and Mom. It's too personal and painful.
"In fact, I told Austin that right after it happened. That I wouldn't testify against Doug. That I'd be a hostile witness. I don't have your courage. And what I went through is nothing compared to what you did…"
He grabbed her hand that was stroking his cheek and squeezed it. He would not break down in front of her.
"You're incredibly brave," she whispered.
"I'm not brave. I'm scared shitless. If there was any way I could get out of it and still live with myself, I would."
The thought of facing Her made him break out in a nervous sweat. Deep down, he was afraid he'd get an involuntary hard-on when he saw her. The fear made it seem more likely and loom large. He'd been dealing with the guilt and disgust since the violation.
She repulsed him. Always had. She wasn't the kind of woman he'd ever go for. Not even if she'd been his age. But he'd gotten aroused when she'd touched him. He hated himself for it. Despite all the counseling and reassurances that his body had merely reacted the way nature intended, he worried he was some kind of sicko. He blamed himself—he should have been able to fight through the fog of the drugs and fend her off. He should have been limp as a noodle no matter what she did to him. He should have never come.
He covered his disgust with himself by trying to sound noble, though it was the last thing he felt. "I have to make a stand for all the guys like me. Guys who've been raped but were too afraid to report it because they thought no one would believe them. Or think they started it. Or wanted it. Or whatever shit society believes because men are always supposed to be the sexual aggressors.
"I've been working for CAPSA as a security escort and helping them raise awareness about safety and sexual assaults."
El nodded. "I know. I read about it."
He nodded. "I can't let them down. But I don't want to be their poster boy forever, either." Logan kissed El's hand. "El, forgive me. But I'm not sure I'm strong enough to say what I have to say to the court with you there, knowing you'll hear every shitty detail and wondering what you'll think of me."
"Logan you know I'd never—" She stopped herself. "If you change your mind…"
He nodded. But he knew he wouldn't.
"Schedule that interview. Please. Just keep your options open."
Ellie
I spent the night with Logan. Like I could help myself when he begged me to. I was still lying in his bed, dreading going back to my dorm room, when Logan came in carrying a dining hall tray loaded with a bowl of cereal, a piece of toast, and a cup of delicious-smelling coffee.
"Get up, sleepyhead."
"Go away!" I rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. "I'm no good in the morning."
"You're very good in the morning."
We'd made love again at three a.m.
"Was that morning? I thought it was the middle of the night."
"Technically, it was morning." He pulled the covers off and set the tray next to me. "We both have class and you have to talk to Jason and tell him your mom is coming."
I grabbed the coffee and cupped it between two hands, blowing on it to cool it. Logan seemed back to normal this morning. But I still worried about him. "Don't remind me."
"El, you're going to tell him?"
"Only because you keep pointing out how dangerous secrets are." I nodded toward the tray, which looked suspiciously familiar. "Traying season is over. I thought you were going to return this?"
"It's not graduation yet, is it?" He paused and then flashed that devilish smile of his. "And I was thinking—I might still need it next winter."
My breath caught. "Really?" That came out way too excited. I tried to cover my excitement and sound casual. "Are you? What changed your mind?"
He sat on the bed next to me. "I thought about what you said about keeping options open. I'm going to schedule my graduate admission interview today."
I set the coffee down and threw my arms around him. "Logan!"
"Don't get your hopes too high, El. It's just an interview. It doesn't mean I've made up my mind."
"No, never. Absolutely not," I said. But my hopes were already floating away with me. I wanted him to stay. In the worst way. Maybe it was selfish of me.
"It might not work out. After four years of college, I'm sick of studying," he said.
"Who isn't?" I inched my face toward his for a kiss.
"I'm tired of my old man calling the shots. I want my own money."
The business with Amber, the horrid Double Deltsie alum. In my joy, I'd temporarily forgotten about her and the dubious dealings Logan had with her. "Perfectly understandable. Admirable, even." I hesitated before deciding to plow on. "I thought that's what that top-secret deal with Amber Ranklin was for."
Logan's eyes went cool. "I thought you were against that?"
I shrugged. "It's no secret I don't like Amber. It's nothing personal." Though it was. "I don't like any of your exes."
"I thought you liked Kelsie. She helped save your life. You at least owe her gratitude."
"Okay, maybe Kelsie. So? The deal with Amber?"
"Still in the works." Logan was way too casual and noncommittal. "It'll be wrapped up soon."
"That's all you're going to say?"
"That's all you need to know. For now. When the big money comes in, you'll know it. I'll take you out to celebrate."
"Okay, big shot. I'm counting on it." I leaned in until our
lips nearly met.
"El?"
"Yeah?"
"Tell Jason about your mom's visit before my shift."
"You just want him distracted so he doesn't notice you're glowing and realize it's because you're sleeping with his daughter."
"About that—change before you see him—"
I cut him off with a kiss.
Logan dropped me off at my dorm on his way to class. As I walked up the steps to the building, I saw the curtains to my room were still closed. Bre should have been in class. Which meant one of two things, and I didn't even want to contemplate one of them.
I let myself into the building, climbed the stairs to my floor, and unlocked the door to my room with some trepidation. Inside it was dark and smelled overpoweringly of my favorite perfume. I'd been right—that was what Bre had thrown. It combined with the smell of stale beer and unwashed body to make a truly lovely stench. The kind of smell when you hole up in your room without ventilation and sweat beneath the covers, hiding from the world because even darkness seems too bright. It smelled like a bad breakup.
As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I spotted Bre in bed. I knew I was stepping in it, but I spoke up anyway as I gingerly picked up the broken remains of my perfume bottle and dropped them in the wastebasket. "Shouldn't you be in class?"
"Shut up!" Bre's voice had that ragged, raspy edge, the sound of someone who's sobbed their eyes out all night. "It's over."
I didn't have to ask what. "I'm sorry." I sat down on my bed across from her. "What happened?"
"I don't feel like talking."
That was fine by me. I really didn't feel like hearing. "Okay, I'll just change and get out of your way."
"He broke up with me! The slut texted one of Dan's friends. He wouldn't say who. The friend relayed the message. Dan realized his phone was missing and came over, demanding it back and calling me a bitch. Can you believe it?"
Reckless Together Page 5
