Her cheeks burned. He probably couldn’t wait for her to leave. Couldn’t wait for her to stop acting like they had some kind of connection. They didn’t. They were hardly even acquaintances, let alone friends.
It was a huge mistake to even have stopped by. She should have just kept driving. Gone home. Tried to make things better with her mother…
She should have stopped trying to imagine that there was something between her and Robert, something that counted. Stopped trying to think that they had anything at all in common…
“Lilly, do you have plans on Saturday?”
Her mouth went dry. “Saturday? No.”
“Perhaps…maybe…Would you like to go to the farmer’s market with me?”
“Sure,” she answered. Fast. Probably too fast? “I mean, that sounds like fun.” Robert looked pleased with her answer, though he wasn’t smiling. No, the only difference was a twinkle in his eye. “Would you like to meet there?” she added.
“The farmer’s market is a big place. How about you come here instead? Say, at two o’clock? The booths will still be busy then. After we see the shops we could maybe walk to the maze.”
“All right. I’ll be here at two. On Saturday.”
He looked relieved. “Sehr gut. I mean, that’s good. I’ll see you then.”
“All right.” Without looking his way again, Lilly turned and ran out the door before Robert could take back his invitation.
Or before she could wonder what in the world had just happened.
Chapter 4
“Lilly, you’ve been running out of the house so fast these days. We haven’t had a chance to talk,” her mother said. “I think it’s time we did.”
“What is there to say?” Lilly murmured under her breath.
“Plenty, don’t you think?”
Was that a question? It was phrased that way, but underneath was the steel thread of determination that nineteen years of experience led Lilly to believe was really a command. Biting her lip, Lilly sat down on the couch next to her mom. “We can talk now if you want.”
“I think we should.”
When Lilly had gotten home, the house had been suspiciously quiet. She’d found a note on the counter saying her family was attending a program at the grade school building.
It was a welcome relief. She’d showered and pulled on a pair of old sweats. Then spent most of the evening watching old sitcoms on Nick at Nite.
Just as she’d been thinking about making popcorn, her parents had come in with Ty. He’d gone off to bed, and with hardly a word in her direction, her dad had walked to his office.
Looking her over, her mother’s own blond hair glinted in the dim glow from the lamp on the table. “So…I’m sure you have feelings about the baby.”
It was all Lilly could do not to roll her eyes. Uh, yes, she had feelings. But no amount of talking was going to help her sort them out. And no amount of talking was going to make her suddenly feel all excited and happy about her parents’ new addition. “Not really. I was just surprised. But now that some time has passed, I’m okay with it.”
Her mother laughed. “Dad and I were surprised, too. More than that, really. Shocked. Floored.” She curved her hands around her tummy. “I never thought something like this would happen to me.”
Lilly knew the feeling. “I bet.” She shifted uncomfortably and mentally crossed off her original snack idea. This conversation needed something far more than popcorn. It called for serious amounts of chocolate. As her mother sat there, all dreamy eyed, Lilly wondered just how much ice cream there still was in the freezer.
Completely unaware of the turn in Lilly’s attention, her mother stretched out on the couch, looking like she wanted nothing more than to sit together, side by side. Chatting.
“I know you must be still mourning your loss. Even though—”
“Don’t say it,” Lilly interrupted.
“Don’t say what? How do you know what I was going to say?”
All of her good intentions left her. Needing space, Lilly strode across the room and opened the freezer door. Peering inside, she mumbled, “Do we really have to play this game? I thought we were all going to try to be honest with each other.”
“I’m trying to be.”
Right behind two packages of frozen steaks, she found her goal. A brand-new, unopened container of Häagen-Dazs. Chocolate. After putting the pint on the counter, she turned back to her mom. “Mom, don’t even think about telling me that my miscarriage was a good thing.”
“I wasn’t about to say that.”
“But you thought it, didn’t you?” As her mother looked at her guiltily, Lilly said, “Mom, I wanted the baby. I’m sad it’s gone. I will never think what happened was ‘for the best.’”
In the span of two seconds, her mother’s confident expression fell. “I know.”
“Then why do you keep acting like I should be fine by now? That I should be over it?”
“I’m not. I’m just trying to get you to see my side of things.”
“I do see. And I promise I’ll do my best to be happy for you, but I’m not going to pretend it isn’t hard.” Softening her voice, she turned toward her mother. “Mom, all my life, you’ve been telling me to smile when I’m not happy. To chat with people I don’t want to…to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. That might be how you want to live your life, but I can’t do it anymore.”
“Lilly, that’s not how we act.”
“Mother, we moved to keep my pregnancy a secret.”
“We moved here for your father’s job, too.”
“Don’t rewrite history. We moved here to hide my pregnancy. You’re good at hiding things. You’ve known about this new baby for weeks and didn’t think to tell me.”
In a flash, her mother got up. “Lilly, we didn’t know how to tell you because I was afraid of having a conversation just like this. I was afraid to make you upset.”
For the first time, Lilly noticed the fine lines around her mother’s eyes. Noticed the new vulnerability in the tilt of her chin. And as she saw those things, she felt some of her anger fade.
And recalled what Robert had said. Life wasn’t fair. She needed to come to terms with that. No matter how much she complained, Lilly wasn’t going to be able to make things the way she wanted them to be. She could never go back to just being Cassidy’s best friend. She could never go to college and pretend that everything was fine. That she was just a typical nineteen-year-old with regular problems.
She was way older than that now. No, those days of being a carefree teen were behind her, no matter what the calendar said her age was.
That knowledge left her exhausted. “Listen, I’m going to take some ice cream and go to my room. I’ve got to work tomorrow.”
As Lilly turned back to the counter to fill a bowl, her mom piped up, “Honey, things will get better. They always do.”
The words resonated. “Do you really think that?”
“I do. I truly believe that time heals all pains.” After a moment, she added, “And I truly think it’s in our power to make positive choices. We can make things better, if we want them to be.”
Lilly ached for her mother’s words to be true. “Do you really think that we all have the ability to do something about our situation if we want a change?”
“Of course. What brought this on?” Her expression brightened. “Are you thinking about college? Because it’s not too late to get you registered for the spring semester.”
“I’m not thinking about college.”
“Then what?”
“Nothing. Nothing, really. Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t concern you.” Lilly turned away before she could see her mother’s crestfallen expression.
Luckily, she didn’t follow Lilly. Just let her run off with her ice cream to her room.
Whether she realized it or not, her mother’s words had found their mark. She did have the power to make choices.
Maybe she was even getting strong enough to m
ove on.
“Robert, shall we pick you up for the farmer’s market this afternoon?” Abe asked. He and Mary had stopped by the shop on their way to pick up some items at the Grabers’ market.
“No. I’ll see you there.”
“No reason to go by yourself, Robert,” Mary murmured. “We always enjoy your company. How about we stop by here at three o’clock?”
Taking a deep breath, he plunged in. “That’s no good. I won’t be here. I’m leaving here at two.”
“Why are you going so early?”
“I’m taking someone.”
“Robert! That’s most exciting!” Mary exclaimed.
“With whom are you going?” Before he could even open his mouth, she chattered on. “Is it Edith?”
“No.” When would his family ever stop mentioning that widow?
“Who, then?” She gripped Abe’s hand. “Is it Amanda? Amanda is a dear girl and she’s always fancied you.”
“Not Amanda.” Because he knew Mary could continue the game for hours, Robert plunged ahead with the truth. “I’m taking an English girl.”
Mary dropped Abe’s hand as he scowled. “What are you talking about?”
“You heard me. I’m talking an English girl to the market. Her name’s Lilly Allen.”
“The name sounds familiar…”
“It should. Don’t you remember her parents? We met them when Lilly’s brother Ty and Anson Graber got lost during the storm in the spring?”
“How could I ever forget that day? That was a terrible time. But I also remember hearing talk about her.” A line of consternation formed between Abe’s brows.
“Wasn’t she with child once? Out of wedlock?”
“She was.”
“Then why would you spend any time in her company?”
“Don’t act so judgmental, Abe. You know nothing about her.”
“But do you?”
“I know some.” He knew that she needed a friend as much as he did. He knew there was a spark in her eyes that drew him closer.
But he certainly wasn’t in any hurry to share his thoughts.
Plus any talk about her pregnancy was her business, not his. Certainly not his cousin’s.
Like a magpie, Abe kept pecking away at him. “Surely you don’t know enough about her.”
“I know that I asked her and she accepted,” he said simply.
Mary looked alarmed by the way he was shrugging off their concerns. “I think you’re making a terrible mistake, Robert. If you are seen with Lilly Allen, people will talk.”
“Then let them.”
“But your parents will be most disappointed…” Her voice drifted off as she turned to her husband. “Abe, say something.”
“Nee. Don’t,” Robert said sharply. He was doing his best to remember that his cousins were saying such things because they cared about him. They wanted him happy. But in truth, he was having a difficult time keeping his temper. “I thank you both for your concern, but it is unwarranted. I’m simply taking Lilly to the farmer’s market. That’s all.”
“There’s got to be more. She probably wants something from you.”
Mary’s words held a distrust of outsiders. A distrust that some kept close to their hearts, because they feared people who were different. But he’d never been one of those people who didn’t want to visit with those who are different.
“She doesn’t want anything from me. Now, I didn’t ask you for your opinion, did I? Nothing is wrong with this. It surely doesn’t feel that way. Right now, it feels like I’m finally doing something correct.” He laid a hand on his cousin’s arm. “I appreciate your concern, but don’t pester me about this, Abe. I’m not trying to do anything funny. I just want to spend some time in the company of someone new. That’s all.”
Under Robert’s restraining hand, Abe’s arm stiffened. “Let’s hope that is all.”
“Goodbye, now. I have work to do.”
They left, reluctantly. The moment the door closed, Robert walked to the workroom and picked up a hammer and a handful of nails. He’d been working on a rocking chair all morning and he meant to get it assembled by lunch.
But as his hands ran over the smooth grain of the wood and Abe’s and Mary’s words echoed back to him, Robert found himself gazing into nothingness. Were Abe and Mary correct in their worries? Was he about to be inviting gossip and talk? Was it wrong to not only be thinking about an English woman, but one with a past like hers?
Had he completely lost all sense of right and wrong? Of who he was and what he wanted in life?
Or was it simply grief?
Though three years had passed, perhaps he hadn’t moved on at all. Maybe his judgment was impaired by the pain of Grace’s death. After all, he had been pushing his parents away.
He had ignored Abe’s and Mary’s efforts to set him up with women. Suitable women.
Could he not be trusted any longer?
But as he carefully hammered a copper nail into a joint, a new clarity settled in.
No, he wasn’t on the brink of making a terrible mistake. If anything, he was on the verge of grasping something more. Reaching for something more inspiring than he’d ever dared to hope for. If Grace were sitting by his side, counseling him, he knew what she’d be saying. Finally, Robert.
He smiled in spite of himself. Oh, but Grace had been an impatient woman! She’d hated to wait for anything, and watched the clock as closely as the busiest Englischer in the city.
He’d often thought that Jesus had asked her to join him early because He was afraid she’d chastise Him for calling her late.
No doubt she would’ve called such thinking fanciful. But she would have agreed it had merit.
No matter what, she had enjoyed living, and had lived each day to the fullest. No way would she ever have let other peoples’ gossip keep her from what she wanted to do.
And no way would she have ever questioned something that she knew in her heart was right.
“I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about Lilly,” he said to the empty room. “It just happens.”
Slowly, he picked up another nail and prepared to hammer it in. “For once, I am happy about the day. After weeks and weeks, and months, of only seeing a black cloud, now I’m looking forward to the day.”
Of course, nobody answered him. But as he dug deep and smoothed the plane of wood again, he felt lighter.
For it had occurred to him that he didn’t need anyone to reassure him. He was stepping out into his own self.
Just like it was a brand-new day.
Chapter 5
“I’m sorry you have to work all day, Caleb,” Gretta said when she came downstairs from her apartment with her purse and cloak. “There’s sure to be a lot of people at the farmer’s market. After weeks of rain, everyone’s eager to be outside.”
Caleb looked at his sister-in-law with genuine fondness as she lumbered slowly down the stairs, holding the rails on both sides of the steps with a steady hand. With every day, she seemed to get a little bit bigger. Joshua had privately told him he was worried Gretta was carrying triplets.
“I don’t mind working,” he said when she joined him at the counter. “I wasn’t planning to go to the farmer’s market, anyway. Besides, Judith will be here soon to help.”
“And Anson, too, I suspect.”
“A lot of good that will do,” Caleb muttered. “Anson is still more trouble than not.”
“I hate to say it, but you are right about that,” Joshua said as he approached, stopping just short of Gretta.
Caleb watched as his brother curved an arm around his wife’s stomach and held her close. They were a picture of contentment, which was good to see. Just months before, they’d had their own struggles.
After brushing Gretta’s cheek with his lips, Joshua shook his head. “That Anson is a terrible lazybones, and that’s the truth. Why, when I was ten, Daed had me here every Saturday morning with the dawn.”
Those memories were still vivid.
“I remember. Because then I had to take over your chores in the barn.”
“Now our spoiled brother plays with Ty Allen while Cousin Tim waters the horses and cleans out the stalls in his stead.”
“Mamm and Daed would have never let us be so lazy,” Caleb agreed.
Gretta leaned into Joshua’s arms as she grinned. “Oh, you two. Stop being so judgmental. Anson’s fine. He’s just his own person, you know.”
“He’s his own lazy person,” Caleb corrected.
“It’s time he accepted more responsibility.” Joshua looked at Caleb. “You want me to say something to him?” asked Joshua. “I could stay.”
“No, I’ve got it. Besides, Judith’s just as irritated with his lazy ways. Carrie is following Anson’s lead, so she’s not doing much around the house, either.”
Joshua grinned. “Hearing that makes me glad I have a home of my own.” After kissing Gretta’s cheek again, he murmured to his wife, “You ready?”
“Not quite yet. Don’t forget, Margaret is going to meet us…”
As if on cue, the door opened, and in walked Gretta’s little sister. “I’m sorry I’m late. Daed didn’t want me driving the horse, so I had to walk.” When she turned his way, she blushed. “Hi, Caleb.”
“Hello, Margaret,” he murmured, trying his best to ignore her stare. For a time now, he’d been aware that she had a crush on him. The idea was embarrassing. The last thing he wanted was an Amish girlfriend. However, she was nice and pretty, and Gretta’s sister, so he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. “Have fun at the market.”
“Danke.”
As Margaret cast another too-long look his way, Gretta winked at Caleb. “I think it’s time for us to go.”
Right before leaving the store, Joshua paused. “Caleb, I don’t know if Daed has told you, but we’ve all noticed how much you’ve taken on. You do a lot here, and you do it well. It’s gut,” he said simply.
Caleb didn’t reply but, inside, he felt warm. Hearing praise was rare. It didn’t happen too often. But when it did, he was as gratified as could be.
Seasons of Sugarcreek 03. Autumn's Promise Page 4
