She noticed. “I seem to be getting bigger by the day,” she said sheepishly. “I don’t remember growing so huge with my others, but I guess I did.”
There was only one thing to say. “Babies are truly God’s miracles.”
“You are exactly right about that,” she said with a smile.
“I’ve always enjoyed children. My wife and I were never blessed.”
“Lilly told me you are a widower. I am sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you,” he said simply.
“But now you’re interested in my daughter?”
His heart felt like it leapt up and took a hold of his throat. Having his relatives give them their opinions about things was one thing. But it was quite another for Mrs. Allen to pass on her opinion.
To Robert’s way of thinking, she had every right to speak her mind.
And he had no reason to evade the truth. “I am interested in her.”
Over the rim of her glass, she eyed him. “Thank you for not telling me to mind my own business.”
“She’s your daughter.”
“She’s been through a lot, you know.”
“I know.”
“But I suppose you have, too…”
“Yes.” Thinking about Grace and her death while sitting with Lilly’s mother felt awkward. Not because he couldn’t reconcile the two in his mind, but because he wasn’t sure how to express his strong emotions for Lilly without making it seem that his feelings for Grace had been diminished.
Of course, that had been the way it was when he’d talked to Abe about Lilly. Robert often felt that when he said anything positive about Lilly, it meant he was finding fault with Grace.
While he was still debating how to describe his feelings, Mrs. Allen spoke again. “Robert, Lilly doesn’t tell me too much. Where do you see the two of you heading?”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“I mean, are you just friends? Is there something more? Do you hope to get married one day? And if so, would you live as you do now, as the Amish?” Drumming her fingers on the counter, she fired off another question.
“And how would all of that happen?” Robert ached to stand up and walk right out of Mrs. Allen’s kitchen. The things she was asking were personal, and needed to be decided between himself and Lilly. “I don’t have all your answers yet,” he said simply.
“I’m sure you don’t. But don’t you have any idea?”
“I am hoping Lilly will become Amish, of course.” He spoke bluntly, his patience at an end from her quick-fire questioning.
A moment passed as he watched her process his words.
Robert half waited for her to tell him everything that was wrong with his statement. Yet, she surprised him by not flying off the handle. “I didn’t think becoming Amish was easy.”
“It’s not.”
“But not impossible?”
“No.”
“What about for you to leave your church. Can you do that?”
Robert considered her question carefully. Truthfully, even the thought of leaving his order made him feel ill. Being a part of the Amish faith wasn’t just his relationship with God—it was his way of life.
But would he ever leave it? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t want to…but he also was enough of a man to realize that his faith wasn’t all who he was. He had a strong desire to love and to be loved. If he was lucky enough to find love again, he just didn’t know if he could refuse it.
“It’s rarely done,” he said quietly. “I’ve already spoken my vows to the church, you see.”
“But it has been done before?”
“Yes.” Even to his own ears, his spoken affirmative sounded hollow and desolate.
She fumbled for the words. “Perhaps you could become Mennonite? I’ve been doing some reading. That seems like a compromise.”
“It doesn’t work like that, Mrs. Allen. At least, not for me. Religions aren’t interchangeable. Either I’m Amish or I’m not. And I’m afraid, for Lilly’s sake, that I’m Amish.”
Before she could pepper him with questions again, he spoke. Though caution told him to hold his tongue, his heart had something different in mind.
And because the woman sitting across from him loved Lilly, too, he tried his best to explain all the feelings bursting inside of him. “I am intrigued by Lilly. She makes me interested in life again. She makes me want to be married again. But I’m not in a rush. I’m willing to let her think about this. To let her make up her mind in her own time.”
Her whole body relaxed. “It’s so nice to hear you say that. See…I used to want to control everything she did. But now I realize that I can’t do that. I’ve decided that the Lord is really working through us these days. He’s given Scott and me a baby when we thought those days were over. And now he’s brought you into Lilly’s life when I know she hadn’t intended to love again.”
Robert couldn’t help the surge of happiness that ran through him at her words. He wanted Lilly to be as happy as possible.
“If you’re the reason she’s been smiling again…I just want you to know that we’re grateful. And we’ll support whatever she wants to do.”
“Does she know of your support?”
“She should know, but I’m not sure if she believes it. Lilly doesn’t always listen to what I say.”
He had to chuckle at that. That did sound like the Lilly he knew…the girl who wanted so much and wasn’t afraid to reach for it.
But who was still afraid to be rejected. “I thank you for the tea,” he said as he stood up. “You’re welcome. I’ll tell her you stopped by.”
He hoped she would. And once more, he hoped he’d know better what to say when they met again.
Chapter 19
Robert was just sanding the edges of some shelves in his workshop when Lilly came in. After taking a moment to admire how pretty her hair looked, pinned back from her face, he pulled off his gloves and approached. “Good morning, Lilly. What brings you here this Monday morning?”
A small smile played on her lips. “Your visit to my house yesterday.”
“Ah.”
“Ah? That’s all you have to say?” As if Lilly couldn’t help herself, she placed her hand on his arm. “Robert, my mom said she invited you in to have tea.”
Her voice sounded musical—so happy and full of whimsy.
“She did,” he said lightly, enjoying the humor he spied in her eyes…and liking how he was responsible for putting it there. “And I accepted her invitation.”
“That was sweet of you.”
Liking the way her hand felt on his arm, he covered it with his palm. “Not so much. Your mother was very…cordial.”
“I hope she didn’t drive you crazy. Did she ask you a bunch of questions about us?”
“She did.”
“I’m sorry. She likes to get a little too involved.”
“It was nothing I couldn’t handle.” He was so happy that she came to see him, happy that she’d reached out to him, that he couldn’t help but take her other hand and hold it as well.
“I’m sorry I missed you.”
“You had good reason, yes? I heard you took Caleb Graber to Cleveland.”
“You heard about that? I guess news travels fast.”
“It always does. So, how was your trip? Were you glad to be back?” Part of him wondered if she was thinking about moving back there now. Returning to some place familiar could make a person long for it more.
“It was interesting. I don’t know if either of us got what we were expecting, though.”
“What were you expecting?”
“Reassurance. I wanted to go back and feel right about my decision not to return to Strongsville. I think Caleb wanted to be sure that he would be okay in the English world.” Her voice lowered. Became more halting.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve kind of turned my back on my hometown and most of my friends. I hadn’t thought that I could go back and be the same person.”
“Were you wrong?”
She shook her head slowly. “No. I’m not the person I used to be. I feel so much older than Cassidy. Like I’ve aged five years instead of just one. I’m not interested in college courses or music or fashion. Not like I used to be, at least.”
“What are you interested in?”
“Sugarcreek.” Her cheeks heated as she slowly lifted her eyes to his. “You.”
Her gaze was so earnest, her lips slightly parted, for a moment he considered lowering his mouth and kissing her again.
With effort, he forced himself to focus on her words. “I’m terribly glad to hear that.”
“That’s funny. Because I am terribly glad to hear you say that, too.”
The way Lilly was looking up at him, like he was everything she’d ever hoped he would be, like they had a chance together, tore down all the barriers he’d put up to keep himself from harm.
Now it felt completely right to wrap his arms around her. And to finally give in to his greatest desire. He leaned down and kissed her.
For just a moment, he wanted to forget their many differences. To push aside a conversation about a future. For just a moment, he wanted to simply feel Lilly in his arms. Responding to him.
For just a few moments, he wanted to have hope.
Later that day, long after Lilly had left his workshop and he’d put in hours of work, Robert forced himself to attend to something that had been troubling him for some time. It was time to visit with Abe.
As his horse made its slow way up the path to his cousin’s white clapboard house, Robert braced himself for the inevitable argument that was sure to come. He also couldn’t help but think as he approached Abe’s white house with its faded yellow chimney, of how much this ride contrasted with the one he made soon after he and Grace had decided to marry. He’d been joyous then; bursting at the seams. And Abe enthusiastically hugged him and congratulated him when they arrived.
A couple of men had even kindly told him that they were jealous of his good fortune. Grace was a lovely woman and had boasted a genuinely sweet nature. Robert had had no doubt that the two of them were going to have a long, happy life together.
Of course, all those dreams had fallen apart.
Robert parked the buggy and spied Abe picking up rocks with his seven-year-old in a field. It was a common chore, rock picking, so as to prepare a garden with soil that was ready to be worked. He picked up a bucket and wandered out to meet him.
“Care for some help?” he called out.
“Of course,” Abe said with a smile. “I was just telling young John here that picking rocks is a mighty important task. But that it can be daunting, too.”
“Some you have to dig out,” John said.
“I know.” Robert followed them, walking down the row, picking up a pebble or small rock and adding it to his bucket.
“Any special reason you came out today?”
“I wanted to talk.”
“In private?”
“Perhaps that would be best.”
Abe looked to his son. “John, you may take a break now.”
When John rushed away eagerly, Robert took a deep breath and plunged in. There was no easy way to say what he was about to say. Especially since the topic meant so much to him. “Abe, I’ve come to talk to you about Lilly Allen.”
A hint of apprehension appeared in Abe’s eyes. “Yes?”
“I know you don’t approve of my relationship with her, but I came here to ask you for your support.”
“Support in what way?”
“I like her, Abe. I like her a lot. Lilly’s made me feel things I never thought I’d feel again. Even if you don’t agree with me, I’m hoping you will at least try to understand my feelings.”
After studying Robert for a moment, Abe bent down and picked up a rock. “You don’t think it’s a passing fancy?”
“Nee.” Robert waited, half expecting Abe to berate him for being so foolish. Or to bring up Grace—to remind Robert of what a wonderful-gut woman she was. To tell him that he should never want someone so different.
After what felt like an hour, Abe sighed. “I don’t want to be your enemy, Robert. I don’t want to make your days miserable. Though I don’t understand your feelings for the English girl, I promise I will try to support you.” He picked up another two rocks. “As best I can.”
“Danke.”
“What are you going to do now? Court her? Persuade Lilly to become Amish?”
“I don’t know. At the moment, I just want to keep seeing her.”
“Perhaps not looking at the future so much is the right thing to do,” suggested Abe.
“Perhaps, yes…or maybe, no. Fact is, I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or doing everything wrong.”
“But you know you have to try?”
“But I know I have to try. It can’t be helped, Abe. She’s in my heart.”
After a pause, Abe enfolded Robert into a quick, rough hug. “If she’s in your heart, I suppose I best make a bit of room for her in my heart as well. We only want what’s best for you, you know.”
“I think Lilly might be what’s best.”
“Who am I to tell you no, then? There has to be a reason God has brought the two of you together.”
“When I find out the reason, you’ll be one of the first to know.”
Abe bent down and picked up another rock. “From the looks of things, when you find out, I’ll still be here, picking rocks.”
For the first time all day, Robert relaxed. Everything was going to be just fine.
Chapter 20
“Robert! It’s so good to see you.” Rushing around the back table, Lilly immediately sat down next to him by the window. In his usual place. “I didn’t know you were here.”
Something like amusement lit his eyes as he curved his fingers around a coffee mug. “Mrs. Kent said you were helping out in the back, so I told her not to bother you. What were you doing today?”
“Slicing and peeling apples. With Gretta on maternity leave, Miriam is really busy.”
“Is she alone back there?”
“No, but the two other people who come in aren’t very good, if you want to know the truth. One lady is only part-time and works really slow. The other girl is just fifteen and still makes a lot of mistakes.” Unsure whether to be embarrassed or not, she said, “Actually, I asked Mrs. Kent and Miriam if I could start doing more in the back of the restaurant. I kind of like it back there. And I’m learning to become a good cook, which is nice.”
“You don’t know how to cook now?”
He looked so surprised, she sank down in her chair.
“Not so much. Well, not so much beyond mac and cheese. What about you?”
“I can cook more than I used to…” His voice drifted off, like he was imagining another time.
Lilly knew he was thinking about his wife and how much he missed her. Of course, he missed her. Robert picked up his mug again, but seeing as the coffee was all gone, he placed it back on the table.
Lilly hopped up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think to ask you about what you wanted…more coffee? Pie?”
“You,” he blurted. Low but sweet.
And without a bit of doubt in his voice. Mesmerized, she sat back down.
His cheeks colored. “I’m not good at explaining myself, Lilly. Not like you are, or like most of the men you probably know.”
“Actually, you seem to be doing a pretty good job.”
“Can you leave work, Lilly? Even just for a little while?” Alarm coursed through her, along with a hint of happiness. Something was going on with him. “I’ll go clock out and get my things. Maybe we could go for a walk?”
“That would be fine.”
She put her things in her car while he waited. Then Robert fell into step beside her as they took a turn down the sidewalk.
Around them, cars were speeding by on the street and inn customers were standing in the parking lot, talking and laughing. In t
he distance, a flock of geese squawked as they continued their journey south for the winter.
Lilly stuffed her hands in her pockets as they walked along. When they reached an area where no one was in hearing distance, Robert paused.
“Have you ever loved someone completely?” Robert asked. “Loved with your whole heart? So much so that it wasn’t likely that there’d be room for anything else?”
Lilly thought about her relationship with Alec. For a time, she’d thought she’d loved him. She wouldn’t have slept with him if she hadn’t.
And they’d certainly had a lot of good times together. She’d enjoyed being his girlfriend and having everyone comment about how great they were together. When they’d first started to date, she’d gotten all tingly whenever he’d smiled her way. But those feelings of excitement had faded and in its place different emotions had replaced them.
Doubts and fears and restlessness had replaced infatuation. And the cold reality of rejection quickly dispelled any thoughts of love she’d imagined.
And it all happened in less than a year. “No,” she finally said. “No, I never have loved like that. Is that how you felt with Grace?”
“It was.” As they strolled down the sidewalk together, their footsteps matched. The sun was out just enough for their bodies to cast shadows. Lilly couldn’t help but glance at them. Hers was so much smaller than Robert’s.
Every so often, the light would catch them just right and their shadows would blend together. They’d become one. As they walked, Lilly found herself staring at their shadows. Catching her breath as their fuzzy shadows blended and melded together. Though it was a fanciful thing, she wondered if one day their lives could become like that. Two separate beings combining easily into one.
“My love for Grace was more than I thought it could be. And when she left me, I didn’t know if I could ever recover.”
Reaching out, he touched her hand. For a moment, Lilly thought he would thread his fingers through her own.
But just as quickly, he dropped his hand. “Lilly, I’m afraid I’m not speaking too well. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been blessed to know what love is. And…what I feel for you is love.”
Seasons of Sugarcreek 03. Autumn's Promise Page 16
