Diary of a Nerd King
“Smurfs, Poo Monsters, and Revenge”
Season 3 – Episode 301
Written and Illustrated by
Matt Ballard
© Copyright Matt Ballard 2012
All rights reserved.
http://www.diaryofanerdking.com
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Monday
OK, so you're not going to believe this. Boogie and I were walking to school this morning, minding our own business, when we got attacked.
That's right! We got attacked.
These two neanderthals who live near where Boogie and I meet up on the way to school ambushed us and pelted us with water balloons!
To make matters worse, the water balloons were filled with blue liquid. I think it was water with some kind of blue food coloring, or maybe even blue Kool-Aid, but the point is, Boogie and I were soaked in blue from head to foot, and I mean soaked!
They didn't just hit us with one or two water balloons. No, they kept hitting us, again and again, nailing us relentlessly until we were totally soaked, and then they took off laughing like it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen.
Honestly, it probably was pretty funny from their point of view. They'd taken us by TOTAL surprise, and I'm sure the look of shock and surprise on our faces was pretty funny by itself, never mind how we must have looked standing there, soaked from head to toe in blue.
I would've probably been laughing my head off too if I was them, but since I wasn't them and Boogie and I were the ones standing there soaking wet and looking like over-sized Smurfs, I wasn't laughing.
Neither Boogie or I thought it was very funny, and we certainly didn't think it was very funny when we got to school and everyone started whispering and snickering at us as we walked to our lockers.
It didn't take long for the whispering and snickering to turn into laughter and pointing, with a few wise cracks thrown in for good measure. We didn't even reach our lockers before I heard someone yell "Look! It's Max and Boogie Smurf!" which was followed by more laughter and a few more Smurf jokes.
When I got my locker open and saw my reflection in the small magnetic mirror I had stuck to my locker door, I could hardly blame them. My clothes were soaked and blue. My hair was blue. Even my face and hands were blue.
Boogie looked pretty much the same, and we looked at each other as we stood at our lockers listening to the laughter and Smurf jokes all around us. I could see in Boogie's eyes that he was thinking the exact same thing I was.
THIS MEANS WAR!
I was already racking my brain to think up a way to get Bugster and the Turtle back.
Their real names were Johnny Marshman and Danny Frederici.
Everyone called Johnny Bugster because of the ways his eyes bugged out of his head, like some kind of bizarre looking flying insect.
Danny got his nickname from the way his neck looked like it was about two times longer than it should be, making him look like a turtle whose neck was stretched way out of his shell while his head looked around.
I immediately thought about doing the exact same thing to them, maybe with a little extra something special thrown in for good measure. A nice pile of dog poo mixed in to add some aroma to the colored water came to mind.
But then I quickly discarded that idea.
No, I needed something more original. Something they wouldn't be expecting.
Something that would one-up them for this morning’s attack.
Something that would make the kids at their school laugh even harder than the kids were laughing at us this morning.
Something that was a lot worse than looking like an over-sized Smurf.
Mind you, the dog poo idea wasn't bad, so I wasn't going to totally discard it. I just filed it away to use for another time. No point wasting it. It'll probably come in handy when I least expect it. :-)
Boogie and I washed our hair out as best we could in the sink in the washroom. Most of the blue came off our faces and hands, but our hair was still looking pretty Smurfy. Hopefully it would come out with a good dose of shampoo once we got home later. I didn't care if I had to take a few showers tonight as long as my hair wasn't blue anymore.
The rest of the school day went pretty much the same. Laughter and smart remarks greeted us pretty much everywhere we went. Word had spread through the whole school in no time, and everyone laughed when they caught sight of the two Smurfs.
The worst part was walking into English class and seeing Jordan look away as soon as she saw me, trying to hide her laughter. She didn't do a very good job of it, especially since she burst out laughing when she tried to turn around and look at me again.
She apologized as she tried to contain her laughter, and I couldn't really blame her. I know I looked pretty funny, and everyone else was laughing too, so it wasn't like it was just her. It just kinda hurt a bit coming from her.
That's the thing about girlfriends and relationships. You care more about what they say and do. It didn't really bother me when the other kids were laughing at us and making the Smurf comments. I expected that. I mean, I would've been doing the same if it was somebody else.
But it was different coming from Jordan. It smarted a little, like when you cut yourself and your Mom pours hydrogen peroxide on it to clean it out.
(It would probably hurt a WHOLE LOT more if you had an accident and cut your finger right off and THEN your Mom poured hydrogen peroxide on it!)
I didn't bother trying to make plans to hang out after school with Jordan or even walk home with her. I wasn't mad at her or anything. I just wanted to get home as fast as possible and hit the shower. I'd had enough of
being a Smurf for one day.
The last bell signalling the end of the school day didn't come fast enough, and both Boogie and I made it home in record time, deciding I'd come over to his place after dinner to work on a plan to get revenge on the Bugster and the Turtle.
I have to say, I wasn't too impressed with my Mom when I walked in the front door. It didn't even look like she tried to stop herself from bursting out in giggles when she saw me come in.
Way to make me feel better, I thought, as I ignored her and headed straight upstairs to the bathroom and into the shower.
The first shower got most of the blue out of my hair, and my skin was pretty much back to normal, but I could still see a blue tint to my hair in the mirror once I had towelled my hair dry. I figured maybe soaking it in the tub would work better, so I stuck the stopper in the drain and turned the taps on to run a bath.
While the tub was filling, it occurred to me that maybe some bubble bath in the water would help soak out the rest of the blue color, so I added some of Tabi's Strawberry Bubbles to the water. It actually smelled pretty good, like strawberry ice cream or something. I might have to start using it more often, if only because it'll make Tabi mad when she finds out I'm using her bubble bath.
(The picture on the bottle of Tabi’s Strawberry Bubbles was kind of freaky. The strawberry on the sticker was just WAY TOO happy. I was getting a little spooked just looking at it.)
On the other hand, maybe that's not such a good idea. I can't exactly go around smelling like strawberries. People will start to talk, and I can just imagine what they'd be saying. The last thing I need is for everyone to start calling me Strawberry Shortcake.
Being called Max Smurf was bad enough. I'm not sure I could handle being called Strawberry Shortcake, especially when you consider a nickname like that might stick and not go away. Could you imagine still being called that on your first day of college!
I laid back in the tub for about ten minutes to make sure I gave I gave my hair a good soak. I even lathered up with about three times as much shampoo for extra insurance.
Whether it was the extra shampoo or the long soak in the tub, I didn't see any blue left in my hair when I finally stood up in the tub and looked across at my reflection in the mirror.
Even so, I decided I'd better finish with one more shower just to make sure. Plus, I figured it would be safer to shower off any strawberry smell that might be clinging to me from the bubble bath. The whole thought of being called Strawberry Shortcake all through college was starting to worry me.
When my hair was dry, this time there wasn't a trace of blue in it. Even better, I did a couple sniff tests and there was no strawberry smell wafting off me either.
As an after-thought, I grabbed Tabi's bottle of Strawberry Bubbles and topped it up with water to where I thought it had been before I used it. No point getting her all riled up and having her start the Strawberry Shortcake thing as a way to get revenge for using her bubble bath.
After dinner I made like a drummer and beat it over to Boogie's house. We had SERIOUS business to discuss, and we were both eager to come up with an over-the-top idea to get our revenge on those two knuckleheads, Bugster and the Turtle.
Tuesday
Boogie and I were pretty careful this morning as we made our way to school. We paid attention to where we were walking and made sure to approach bushes, trees, buildings and other places that Bugster and the Turtle might be hiding with extreme caution.
There was NO WAY we were going to let them get us two days in a row!
As it turned out, there was no sign of either of them anywhere, which was a good thing, except for the fact that we were almost late for class because of the extra time it took us to get to school.
I guess you could almost say they got us twice in a row anyways just because we were so paranoid that they were going to get us again.
On the other hand, somebody once said that just because you're paranoid, don't mean they ain't out to get ya, which is a really good thing to bear in mind if you've just been smurfed the day before.
Boogie and I talked more about how to get Bugster and the Turtle back since we hadn't been able to come up with anything REALLY good last night at his house.
Oh sure, we came up with quite a few things, but most of them were either too lame or too impossible to pull off. For instance, Boogie suggested a variation on the dog poo idea that would've been hilarious if we could do it, but neither of us thought we probably could, so we ruled it out.
Basically, Boogie thought we could dig a big hole and fill it with dog poo, maybe even add some water to make it kinda slushy and soupy dog poop so it was EXTRA disgusting.
Then we would camouflage it with some leaves and stuff spread over the top so it wasn't totally noticeable.
Then we would either chase Bugster and the Turtle towards it, or better yet, get them to chase us towards it.
Chasing us was probably better because then we could jump over it at the last second, leaving them to fall right in it.
It sounded great in principle. Bugster and the Turtle falling, hopefully head first, into a pit full of soupy dog poop! That would be awesome! They'd be totally covered in reeking, disgusting, totally gross, dog crap.
(Bugster and the Turtle would look like some kind of hideous Pile of Poo Monsters from a horror movie after they fell in the poo pit. It would’ve been hilarious!).
That would TOTALLY trump their blue water balloon attack. It was one thing to be called Smurfs for a day at school because you're dyed blue, but it'd be a WHOLE LOT worse going to school covered in poo, smelling like a sewer, and looking like something that had just crawled out of one too!
In the end though, we had to rule out the dog poo pit idea. There were just too many things that could go wrong, not to mention a whole lot of problems with actually making a pit filled with dog poop in the first place.
Think about it.
First of all, digging the pit itself would be an awful lot of work. And when would we do it? If we did it at night, somebody else might fall in instead of Bugster and the Turtle.
I'd feel really bad if some little old lady was out walking her dog in the evening, didn't see our trap for the Knuckleheads, and fell right into the dog poo pit!
What if she drowned? That would be an awful way to die!
And even if we managed to dig the pit, there was still the problem of getting enough dog poo to fill it up. Where were we going to find that much dog poo in one day?
Even if we went around to everybody's house we knew that had a dog and offered to clean up all the dog poo in their yard, there probably still wouldn't be enough to fill a hole big enough for both Bugster and the Turtle to fall into.
And even if we managed to dig the pit AND find enough dog poo to fill it, what if we couldn't get Bugster and the Turtle to chase us towards it?
Or what if our camouflage didn't work well enough and they were able to avoid it and not fall in?
(You wouldn’t exactly have to have a professional size sniffing nose like this guy in order to smell a HUGE pile of dog poo.)
Or even worse, what if we missed the jump when we tried to jump over it with Bugster and the Turtle chasing us and fell in ourselves?
You can see how there was just too many problems with the dog poo pit plan, no matter how much we liked the idea. We needed to come up with something else.
And we did come up with quite a few other ideas, but none of them were as good as the dog poo pit, and none of them were going to be any easier to do either.
There was the knapsack full of poisonous snakes. That one sounded good in theory. We get a knapsack that looks the same as one of the knuckleheads' knapsacks. We fill it full of poisonous snakes, and then we switch it for the knucklehead's knapsack.
(Maybe we’d even make it a Strawberry Shortcake knapsack so it would be even funnier. Then again, maybe not because they’d probably notice and realize it wasn’t theirs.)
It would be priceless to see the look on the
ir faces when they put it on their back and felt the snakes in it. Even better would be the look on their faces when they opened it up.
We were going to have the snakes defanged so they couldn't actually bite or hurt anybody of course, but it would still be a sight to see.
We had to rule this one out too though because there was some serious problems with doing it, not the least of which was where we were going to find a bunch of poisonous snakes.
Diary of a Nerd King #3: Episodes 1 to 4 Page 1
