by Jane Davitt
Jay felt his stomach lurch at the thought of a call from Liam telling them it was over. “We didn’t push. We just told him he could fuck us.”
Austin ran his fingers through his hair, making it stand up wildly. “We told a straight man he could fuck two guys, Jay! Yeah, he says he’s maybe bi, but he’s never done anything with a guy apart from get a few blowjobs from us. That’s nothing.”
“It's something.”
“It’s not.” Austin was working himself up now, his face pale, his words spilling out. “And what about us? How will you feel if I’m on my hands and knees with Liam ramming his dick into me?”
Jay blinked at him. “Am I supposed to get jealous now? Jesus, Austin. I’d be there watching, remember? Hell, knowing the way he is about everyone getting involved, if his dick was in your ass, mine would be in your mouth.”
“It’s all fucked up.” Austin sighed and stood, looking dejected. “I want him to want us, you know? And that’s not going to happen. If he does have sex with us or let us blow him or whatever, it’ll just be because he’s turned on from spanking us or feels like he’s supposed to or something. So what’s the point?”
Swinging his feet down onto the floor, Jay tightened his hands on the edge of the mattress. “If you were a girl, I’d accuse you of having PMS.”
“Yeah, and then I’d slap your face,” Austin grumbled. “You can’t get away with stuff like that. Trust me, I have a sister, I know.”
“You aren’t making any sense,” Jay said. “First you’re upset that Liam hasn’t had sex with us, and then you’re upset because if he does have sex with us, it might make me jealous, and now you’re upset because if he has sex with us, it won’t be for the right reasons? You’re talking in circles.”
“I feel like I’m walking in circles.” Austin sat down again, the mattress sagging under his sudden weight. “I don’t… How did this happen? I like him more than I thought I would. More than I’m supposed to, I think.” He looked at Jay, anguished.
“Hey, hey, come on. It’s all gonna be okay.” Reaching out, Jay touched Austin’s face. “You’re allowed to like him. You think I don’t want you to like him?”
Austin’s lips had pulled down into miserable lines. “Maybe not this much.”
Jay looked at him helplessly. “Austin—”
“I’m not saying I love him the way I love you. It’s just that I think I do love him in a different way. I can’t imagine him here, living with us because, well, he’d hate it.”
“Big-time,” Jay agreed automatically, his thoughts frozen in place by what Austin had said. Love. Austin in love with Liam? That was—
“And it was nice staying with him, but—”
“We’d drive him insane after a month.” He kept talking, saying the right things, but underneath the calm, his mind was in lockdown, every sound echoing oddly in his ears.
“Or he’d turn into one of those full-time doms and organize every second we were together.”
“That wouldn’t be as much fun as it sounds. It might work for some people, but not for us.”
Austin gave him a shrewd look. “You’re trying to figure out what to say to me after that bombshell, huh?”
Jay sighed. He never could fool Austin. “Yeah. I mean, we’re not talking love him like a brother, right?”
Austin pulled a face like a toddler offered spinach in place of chocolate pudding. “Ish. No. And more than a friend, before you go there.”
Time to do some sharing of his own. “You love him because he’s a part of your life now. Because he makes you feel good, feel safe. Because he knows you, not as well as I do, but pretty fucking close, and that means so much.” Saying it started the thaw, freeing up Jay’s tongue so it could say more than the obvious.
Austin began to speak, then paused, a frown appearing. Jay began to count down silently in his head, waiting for Austin to realize what lay behind Jay’s words. It was Austin; it didn’t take long at all.
“Shit,” Austin said. “You too?” And without waiting for an answer—because he was right, obviously he was right—he flopped down on the bed in dramatic fashion, the kind of thing Jay was more likely to do. “Fuck.” Austin looked up at the ceiling, freshly painted since the flood. “What the hell are we supposed to do now?”
“Talk to him, I guess.” Jay didn’t sound any more confident about the idea than he felt. “I don’t know. We don’t want to make him feel guilty, like he did something wrong because this happened. It just…did.”
“It’s not the same as telling him it’s cool if he wants us to suck him every now and then.” Austin groaned. “God, this is depressing.”
Jay hadn’t been thinking about it that way, but as soon as Austin mentioned it, he discovered it was true. “Thanks.”
“For what?” Austin lifted his head.
“Bringing me down. What is this, the negative hour?” Jay was teasing—mostly. Sometimes the only thing you could do was laugh.
“Yes,” Austin said. “It’s the negative hour. Soon to be followed by the ice cream hour.”
“Ooh, is there ice cream?” Jay brightened. Austin had been the one to do the grocery shopping the evening before.
“Espresso chip,” Austin said tantalizingly. It was Jay’s favorite flavor. And wasn’t that what really mattered the most? Having someone who knew you inside and out and loved you anyway?
Yeah, that was what was important. The thing with Liam—well, they’d work it out or they wouldn’t, and that was the end of Jay being able to think about it right then.
“Okay,” he said and moved to find his cotton sleep pants. “I declare the ice cream hour to have officially begun.”
Chapter Nineteen
“Sore?” Austin asked, noting Jay’s wince when he stood up to put his ice cream bowl in the sink.
“A little. Not in a bad way. I’ll sleep good, at least.” Jay was watching him now, weighing each line of Austin’s expression.
“Yes,” Austin said. “I’ll sleep too. Well, it’s what you were thinking, right?”
“Right.” It was nice that Jay was so forthcoming about it, at least. He didn’t try to pretend Austin was imagining things. “Thanks for the espresso chip.”
“Hey, I know what you like.” Yawning, Austin glanced at the clock and discovered it was later than he should be up, considering he had to work the next morning. Only a couple of hours, but the inventory should have been done weeks ago and he and the other office staff had agreed to sacrifice a few hours on a Saturday morning to get it over with.
He was just putting both ice cream bowls in the dishwasher when he heard a knock at the door.
“Who the hell is that? It’s almost tomorrow.” Jay frowned and went to answer.
“Oh hi, Jay,” April said from the landing, and Austin sighed. Not that it should have come as a surprise that it was his sister showing up late at night; who else would it have been? “I was driving by, and I saw your lights were still on.” She wrinkled her nose at Austin. “Glad I didn’t interrupt anything.”
“We were just gonna go to bed,” Austin told her.
“Are you kidding? The night’s still young.”
Austin tried to think of a way to ask if April wanted something without it coming out sounding rude, but failed. “So, um. You just stopped in to say hi?”
“Actually…I was kind of hoping…” April gave Jay a meaningful look. “Do you think you could give us a minute?”
“Jay lives here, April,” Austin said with more patience than he felt. “He doesn’t have to clear out.”
“And I’m not going to.” Jay scratched his ribs and smiled at April with just enough smirk in it to make Austin wince. Oh, this could get ugly, fast. April brought out a side of Jay that rarely surfaced with anyone else. He seemed to enjoy needling her, his shyness forgotten. Of course, Jay was only shy with strangers, and April was hardly that. As if he’d picked up on Austin’s feelings, Jay backed off. “Anyway, even if I go into our bedroom, I’ll still be
able to hear you. This place isn’t that big.”
April glanced around, her lip curling. “It’s a dump.” She gestured at a stack of cardboard boxes by the wall, filled with odds and ends they hadn’t gotten around to unpacking yet. “What’s in them? Are you moving out or something? You didn’t mention it last time you were over.” She gave Jay a malicious smile. “Or is my brother trading up finally?”
“April, one more dig and I’m kicking you out.”
She pouted and fluttered her eyelashes at Jay. “I’m sorry. Jay knows I don’t mean it, don’t you?”
“You mean it,” Jay told her with an indifference Austin knew April would hate. “I don’t care what you think because I don’t like you, so it doesn’t matter.”
April wasn’t the only one who could be brutally frank.
“Sit down, April.” Austin pointed at one of the new—well, less used—chairs their landlord had provided. “And you, Jay.”
Jay didn’t pout, but when he flopped onto the couch next to Austin, his expression was on the grim side.
“We had a flood.” Austin nodded at the boxes. “The water tank in the roof leaked in the night a few weeks ago. Huge mess. Everything got trashed and we had to put a lot of stuff into storage while they renovated. We’re unpacking it slowly now that it’s all fixed.”
“A flood? God, that’s awful!” April had the grace to make her sympathy sound sincere, though in Austin’s experience if it didn’t affect her directly, his sister’s sympathy was fleeting at best. “Did you lose much?”
Beside him, Jay went tense. Austin remembered the pathetic, soaked remnants of the diorama and slid his hand into Jay’s. He squeezed it, offering wordless comfort, and felt Jay’s fingers clasp his. April’s eyes sharpened.
“The roof? You mean that room where Jay makes his little models? Did anything get spoiled up there?”
She’d always been good at targeting vulnerabilities and getting a swift, if petty revenge when she thought she’d been insulted.
“Everything of Jay’s and mine is fine,” Austin said before Jay could reply. There was no way he was giving April the satisfaction of hearing what Jay had lost. She’d bring it up for months every chance she got. “Just things like the ceilings and carpet that got damaged, really.”
“So where did you go? You didn’t stay here, did you?” April tossed her head. “I’d have made the insurance company put me up in a fancy hotel. Somewhere with a pool, room service…somewhere nice.”
And she would’ve stolen anything not nailed down and believed she was entitled to it.
“We stayed with a friend.” Jay’s voice was too controlled to sound normal, but at least he hadn’t retreated into the dense, distant silence Austin dreaded. He could coax Jay out of it, but it took a lot of work. Liam was better at it, but he was able to give Jay a curt order to snap out of it. Austin couldn’t do that without making Jay resent him.
For a moment, he wanted Liam with them so intensely he couldn’t bear it. Liam was supposed to be calling them the next day, and even hearing his voice would be a relief. It’d only been a few days since he’d seen Liam, and generally it was a week between visits, but knowing Liam wasn’t a short drive away made all the difference in the world.
The pause had gone on too long. Austin could see the second the gears in April’s head clicked and caught, drawing her to the correct conclusion. Damn it, she was smart. She could do so much with her life if she’d stop acting like an idiot.
“You stayed with that guy? That old guy. What, is he your sugar daddy now? That’s kind of gross.”
“He’s just a friend.” Part of Austin hated lying, but it was a complicated situation. He hated lying about Liam. He didn’t hate lying to April, who was pretty much the least trustworthy person he knew.
“A friend who pays my fines off to keep you happy?” April was sneering, the expression taking her expertly painted lips from beautiful to ugly. “That’s pretty much the definition of sugar daddy in my book.”
“I don’t think your book ever made it past kindergarten. Didn’t you get stuck on Red Fish Blue Fish?” It was mean, but Austin was hoping to distract her from her current train of thought.
“How did you even meet him?”
Okay, it hadn’t worked.
“Friend of a friend.” Jay leaned forward, his hair shielding his face so Austin couldn’t read his expression. “Never mind him. Why are you here, April?”
She shrugged, the rise and fall of her shoulders conveying just how little any question from Jay counted. “Just in the neighborhood. No biggie.” She tapped her lips with her finger. “Hmm. He must be a really…special friend letting you stay with him like that. Is he gay? With a really big bed, maybe?”
“No.” Austin said it and wondered if that was another untruth to add to his tally over the last few minutes. He still wasn’t sure what gender Liam really preferred deep down. That was another source of stress. He wanted to do so much with Liam; they both did. If Liam had mixed feelings about being attracted to them, if Liam was enduring the need to touch them, see them hard, aroused, just to get his kicks as a dom, that would suck. “He’s divorced. He has kids.”
The savage prod from Jay’s elbow came too late to stop him spilling more about Liam than was probably wise.
“We’re going to bed,” Jay said and stood, tall and straight for once, not hunched over. He folded his arms across his chest and fixed April with a cool stare. “You should maybe come back another time. Bring thumbscrews if you do. It’s not an interrogation without them.”
As usual April was able to see when it was time to back off. “I didn’t mean to come across like that. I was actually hoping—Austin, if maybe you could loan me some money. Just a little, until next week?”
Austin sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He should have known. “How much is a little?”
“Maybe two hundred?” April looked at him hopefully, somehow managing to remind him of the small sister he and his brothers had doted on when she’d been six and seven. They’d never escape seeing her that way, and that was probably why she always got to them.
“I don’t have two hundred to give you.” That wasn’t true, either. This whole conversation had been one lie after another.
“I could drive you to an ATM.” April stood up like she was sure Austin would say yes.
He shook his head. “No, I don’t mean on me. I mean at all. I just don’t have it.”
“You have a great job,” April protested. “You work for doctors! I know you make a lot.”
“And I have lots of places to spend it. None of them are you.” Austin was sure that this would make April angry, and he was right. Her eyes narrowed as she stepped closer to him.
“You think you’re so much better than the rest of us?” she asked, glaring.
“No, he just knows he’s better than you.” Jay said it calmly, but at that moment Austin appreciated the support.
“Bullshit! Dead-end job, nerdy boyfriend, still living here. I’m going to get out of this place the first chance I get.”
“So my job went from good to bad in what, five seconds? And don’t you dare… I’m so fucking lucky to have Jay—” Austin’s voice faltered. He couldn’t do this. He wasn’t going to defend his life, his choices to someone like April. “You know what, April? You can start your journey to someplace better by getting the hell out of here. Now.”
April’s gaze went from Austin to Jay as if she was gauging the level of their annoyance. “Fine. I’m gone. Don’t expect me to come back, either. I knew you were talking crap when you said I’d always be welcome.”
She turned away, a forlorn droop to her shoulders that Austin didn’t buy, not for one fucking second. She was so good at leaving him feeling guilty, but not this time.
He stayed silent as she left, refusing to call out something placating even though he knew down the line he’d pay for it.
When enough time had passed for her to have gotten out onto the sidewalk, he walk
ed to the window and glanced down. He needed to see her leave before he trusted that she had.
He watched her stalk away, heading for her car, the anger she’d expressed in stinging words manifesting in her walk. He let out a long sigh.
Jay joined him at the window, standing behind him, his arms coming around Austin in a hug. “If I let you be rude about the way my dad sings Elvis songs when he gets drunk, can I tell you what I think about her?”
Austin leaned back, knowing Jay would support him. “You can say what you like, but I just want to forget she exists right now. Tell me you still love me, even when I come with baggage like her. No, I know you do. Just kiss me.”
Jay’s kiss landed on his ear, not his neck, because they both moved at the same time. Austin didn’t mind.
* * *
Surprisingly Austin found himself in a reasonably good mood at work the next morning, though it probably didn’t hurt that the office’s billing manager, Caroline, had brought in fancy coffees for all of them.
“How did you even know what to get?” Sue, twenty-four and recently engaged, took hers gratefully and sipped some of the whipped cream off the top of the cup.
“In my experience, pretty much everyone will drink something that’s got whipped cream on top,” Caroline said. “Especially if someone else bought it, because then they don’t have to feel guilty for the calories.”
Austin grinned and chugged half his drink almost at once. “I always knew you were one to watch out for.”
“My feminine wiles all revolve around food.” Caroline licked foam off the edge of her own cup and gave them a stern look. “Okay, now get to work.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Austin said and went back to the supply closet—really more like a series of closets, because the office building had been designed for some other purpose years ago and the renovations had been creative—to start his inventory.
It easily could have taken all day, but he’d created a sort of spreadsheet that helped make the job more manageable. The most frustrating thing was that they all, he included, had a tendency to “put things away” where they definitely didn’t belong, so before he could start counting supplies, he had to straighten all the shelves. He was making progress, though, fueled by the extra caffeine and Jay’s promise that they’d have a nice lunch somewhere when he was finished, when Sue appeared as if from nowhere.
