She started to laugh with joy. She knew how hard I was finding it to say all that palaver.
“I don’t know what to say…I don’t know if I can accept this ring.”
“Yes, you can and must accept it. I meant it when I said that even if you reject me I’d like you to keep it always. I don’t want you to forget me.”
She reached out her hand and I took it in mine; I didn’t know what else to do. Then I signaled the waiter and he presented her with a rose. I’d wanted them to give her an entire bouquet, but when I phoned the restaurant they said they’d see what they could do at that hour of the evening. Apparently they’d managed to find only one rose.
For a second I thought Esther would burst into tears. She wasn’t expecting me to pull out all the stops. And there was one more thing to come. An accordionist played us a few romantic tunes: “Lara’s Theme,” “Strangers in the Night,” and “Only You.”
When we were alone again she clasped my hand.
“Thank you, Thomas, this is the nicest evening I’ve ever had. I know this kind of thing…well, is not your style.”
“Do you see now that I love you?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Will you marry me?”
I barely heard her say yes, but from her expression there was no doubt.
When we went out of the restaurant a limousine awaited us at the door. Esther started laughing. She was happy.
“The night of surprises!”
“The night when you finally decided to marry me.”
“And what if I’d said no?”
“Well, I didn’t really have a plan B.”
The chauffeur knew what he had to do, so he drove us around New York for a couple of hours while we drank champagne and kissed. If I’d tried anything else Esther would have ditched me. She wanted romance and I was willing to give her plenty, at least for the night.
Esther’s parents weren’t pleased to hear their daughter had decided to marry me, but they knew that trying to oppose the match would have been pointless. As for John and Jaime, they seemed satisfied by the news.
John had phoned Jaime at Harvard to tell him, and my brother turned up in New York to congratulate me.
“Well, I’m glad you’re marrying that girl. She seems like a trustworthy person with common sense.”
“I thought you wanted me to wait before getting married.”
“Yes, that’s what I asked you to do, to wait at least six months. But Dad and I talked about it…Well, it’s pointless to expect you to follow social conventions. You are the way you are. If you’ve got your mind set on getting married, that’s what you’ll do, and it’s best if we’re supportive and lend a hand.”
Jaime’s condescending attitude irritated me. My brother was treating me as if I were an impulsive teenager he had to put up with to avoid disaster.
“I don’t need your support. I’m merely notifying you that I’m getting married,” I said.
“Yes, you do need us even if you can’t stand that fact.” Jaime was upset.
“I’m not going to turn my wedding into a social occasion,” I warned him.
“Does Esther want to get married without her family there? I doubt it. I doubt very much that she’ll be content going to City Hall, getting the license, and considering herself married. She’ll want a proper wedding—the way it should be.”
Jaime went back to Harvard that same day and I stayed at home, where John was still trying to get me to speak to him. But I kept avoiding him. I tried not to get up until he left for the office, and I came back late, when he was already in bed. I did this to put him out. I needed to hurt him.
Jaime was right. Esther wanted a wedding she could invite her family and friends to, and assumed I wanted the same thing.
“I’d like a small wedding, if possible, with no one but you and me,” I nearly pleaded with her.
“What will your father think? And your grandparents and brother? No, Thomas, we’re not going to elope. We’re going to have a wedding where we can share our joy with everyone we love.”
I realized that I still hadn’t explained my family problems or told her that I wasn’t really John’s son.
When I did tell her about it, Esther looked at me without flinching. I even thought that in light of my family circumstances, she might decide to cancel the wedding.
“I’m surprised at you. You say you can’t stand your father and you talk about your brother with such contempt,” she said, worried.
“I just told you, he’s not my father.”
“Of course he is. And the least you owe him is to treat him with affection and consideration. John Spencer has proved to be a great person.”
“You think I owe him.”
“We all owe something to someone. Yes, in life we are perpetually indebted to others, to the people who generously give us their love, whether they’re our parents, our friends, or our children. We have to do things because it’s the right thing to do, but on some level we always expect a reward; with affection, we at least expect to get back what we’ve given.”
At that point I started to wonder whether I had made a mistake by insisting on marrying Esther. We couldn’t be more different. She had some principles that I was lacking.
I decided not to change direction. I knew I needed a woman like her to help me, so that she would think for me, even if I then decided to take a plunge into the abyss.
Besides, marrying her had now become a matter of stubbornness, so I let her organize the wedding as it suited her.
Aunt Emma—I still hadn’t managed to stop thinking of her as my aunt—phoned me to offer help with the wedding arrangements; she even suggested we get married at her home in Newport.
“Spring is a nice season of the year. Esther is Catholic. She’ll want to be married in a church, of course, and there’s one in Newport that’s very special. It’s where Jackie married John F. Kennedy. We could organize a reception in our garden. Why don’t you suggest it to Esther?”
I was tempted to say no, but I preferred to speak to Esther about it. She had been complaining for a couple of weeks about how expensive it was to organize a proper reception, especially considering our many relatives. When I insisted that money was not a problem, she would get impatient.
“We shouldn’t overspend without good reason. You may have been born into a rich family, but even rich people go bankrupt if they don’t know how to handle their money.”
At first she wasn’t sure if we should get married in Newport.
“I’ve never even been there. All I know is that it’s where rich people from New York and Boston have their vacation homes, and precisely because of that I don’t know if that’s where I want to get married,” she said, uneasily.
“I’ll take you for a visit and if you don’t like it then there’s nothing more to discuss,” I said, without trying to convince her.
—
Esther and Aunt Emma seemed to get along, at least on the phone. For Esther, it was a relief to be able to count on somebody to help organize the wedding. She worked from dawn to dusk and her mother spent all day at the family’s restaurant. Aunt Emma seemed enthusiastic too. She didn’t have anything else to do and organizing a wedding would keep her entertained for a while. When Emma invited John and Jaime to what she called an improvised family reunion, they agreed immediately.
So the following weekend we went to Newport. Before arriving at Aunt Emma’s house, I showed Esther around the area. She looked at everything with wide-open eyes, like a child.
“Oh my God, those mansions! This place is beautiful! And the people…they seem so happy and carefree. You can tell people here are different.”
“Don’t be silly. This is just a place like any other,” I replied, amused.
“Of course it’s not! Neither my family nor I would be able to afford to come to a place like this. You’re used to it because the Spencers have money.”
I shrugged. Yes, the Spencers had always had enough money to
live comfortably but that didn’t mean they were rich, at least not in the way Esther was thinking.
We strolled for a good while longer around the port. We sat down for coffee and watched the boats. The scent of the sea filled the air; that always improved your mood. We walked past St. Mary’s Church.
“It seems so unassuming on the outside…And to think this is where Jackie married the president…” she said, gazing at the church in awe.
“When they were married he wasn’t president,” I reminded her.
“Of course, but he was rich enough for his family to have a vacation home here.”
—
Esther was nervous about seeing the Spencers.
She had met them only a couple of times: the day of our graduation, when Lisa insulted her, and then briefly during my mother’s wake.
She looked in amazement out the car window and wouldn’t stop talking about what she was seeing.
“You can tell people who come here are rich. They go around looking disheveled but look at them, they wear only designer clothes,” she said.
“You think?”
“Yes, they’re exactly like you. You wear T-shirts but yours aren’t like the ones the rest of us wear, that’s why they look so good,” she proclaimed.
“I’ll give you a few.” I chuckled.
When we arrived at Emma’s house, she met us at the door. Esther wasn’t able to contain herself. She exclaimed, “My God, what a mansion!”
“You like it? You have no idea how happy that makes me, but wait till Thomas shows you the real mansions on Bellevue Avenue. When you visit the palace of the Vanderbilts, Marble House, or The Elms, you’ll see that my house isn’t a mansion. But we’ve all been very happy in this house. Thomas used to love spending the summers here. We went sailing, played tennis, held tea parties with our friends’ children…I hope you have children and come visit.” Aunt Emma beamed as she showed Esther the garden.
I didn’t comment, but suddenly I felt good in that house full of big windows that gave way to the horizon, with the sea drawing a line against the sky. The scent of the ocean and the flowers in the garden took me back to my childhood. I wasn’t going to admit it, but the closest I’d ever come to being a happy child had been in that place.
They took some time to come back to the living room, and when they did, they looked like the best friends in the world. They spoke about how they would decorate the garden, whether it was necessary to set up a gazebo, which caterers to hire…
“It’s been decided, we’ll get married here. Your aunt is right, we’ll do it in the spring. Imagine how beautiful the place will look…And of course, I want to get married at the same church where Jackie and John F. Kennedy were married. God, my mother won’t believe it! It’s a dream!”
Breakfast went better than I’d expected. John didn’t speak much but Jaime and Aunt Emma chattered away, and Esther kept pace. I simply observed them, as if everything were happening without me. Even so, it was going to be an uphill battle to spend the entire weekend there with the others…If they had vanished and left Esther and me alone, I would have been happy.
John proposed a tennis match in the afternoon. I was going to say no but Esther went ahead and agreed on my behalf.
“What a good idea! We can play tennis, you against Thomas and me against Emma or Jaime.”
“Well, I’d rather not play tennis today, it’s cold. I’ll wait by the fire,” said Aunt Emma.
I was saved by the bell. My cell started ringing insistently and Roy’s number appeared on the screen. I excused myself from the table and went to my room.
“Everything’s been arranged. You’ll have lunch with Bernard Schmidt on Monday at the Savoy. Then you’ll meet Lerman.”
“I’m in New York.”
“Fantastic, you have plenty of time to come back to London. You’re the one who insisted on that lunch, so don’t start inventing excuses like being in New York.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t coming. Tell Schmidt I’ll be at the Savoy at noon. And remember I want to have lunch with him alone. By the way, he must be a very busy man, I’ve been waiting a couple of weeks for your call.”
“Don’t try my patience, okay? Things aren’t as easy as you think. Schmidt is a very important man. He couldn’t come to London sooner. I imagine you’ve been thinking about who you’re going to hire for your team. Decided on any names?”
“I’ll be honest with you, Roy. I haven’t thought about anything. I’ve been wandering around New York for two weeks. I’m getting married.”
I don’t know why I thought he’d be glad to hear the news, but he was quiet for a few seconds before congratulating me.
“I hope that doesn’t delay our plans.”
“Your plans, Roy. I still haven’t decided if we’re going to share them.”
“Don’t start! Grow up, Thomas, and stop playing hard to get. I don’t know why I trust you…You’re still wet behind the ears.”
I didn’t like what he said and I hung up. Actually, I was beginning to like Roy less and less. My cell rang again. I answered.
“You seem very susceptible right now, pal. Getting married is clouding your judgment. Suzi will be very happy to hear you’re marrying Esther—I assume that’s who you’re marrying. Suzi liked her. They’ll become friends, you’ll see.”
“Forget about it. We’ll talk later.” And I hung up again.
Roy’s phone call had saved me not only from playing tennis with John, but, even better, from spending the rest of the weekend with a family that I didn’t feel was mine. I found it absurd that Esther should refer to John as my father and Emma as my aunt.
I returned to the dining room and announced that I had to depart for London immediately.
“I have an important business meeting on Monday; a lot of things depend on that meeting.”
Esther was upset that I would cut the weekend short. She felt at ease in that house and seemed to be enjoying spending time with the people who had been my family.
“We don’t need to go back to New York now. You can fly tomorrow,” she entreated.
But I didn’t accept. She’d seen Aunt Emma’s house, and she’d had lunch with my father and brother. That was enough for her to get a feel for the place and for those people.
“I’m sorry, but I need to go now. I’m hoping to find a flight tonight. I have to prepare for that meeting and the papers I need are in London.”
“You don’t need to go. Stay with us. You can return to New York tomorrow with John,” Aunt Emma said to Esther.
“No, no, I appreciate it but it’s best if I go too.”
“Are you worried I might beat you at tennis?” Jaime joked with Esther.
“I know I’ll win. But that match will have to wait,” Esther replied with a smile, though I could tell she was upset.
John seemed devastated that I was leaving and insisted on returning to New York too. But Aunt Emma wouldn’t allow it, saying she’d invited a few friends to dinner that night to meet Esther and, since Esther and I were leaving, she couldn’t disappoint them even more by canceling the dinner party.
During the return to New York, Esther was very quiet.
“I’m sorry the weekend was ruined, but you know I was waiting for Roy’s call.”
“Yes, I know. But you don’t need to make me believe you’re sorry he called you precisely today. You wanted to leave. You’re an idiot, Thomas, a tremendous idiot. Only an idiot wouldn’t appreciate everything you have. Your family adores you, and they would do anything to make you happy.”
“You don’t understand.” I found it infuriating that she would burden me with her opinion when I didn’t want it.
“It’s not possible to understand something that doesn’t have an explanation. You’re hurt, deeply hurt because your mother gave birth to you. You would like to have been like Jaime because he looks like John, and you, like all kids, loved your father and wanted to look like him. But it turns out you’re dark and barely over five
foot seven, and you have a complex about that. Actually, you must have always known something was up…That’s why you had that tense relationship with your mother. You were never able to enjoy her love, or your father’s, or the rest of your family’s. It seems ridiculous that someone like you would believe that what matters in life are our blood ties. If that’s what you think, you’re wrong; what matters are the ties of affection that are woven each day. You love John, not because he’s your father, but because you received his love, so much so that you couldn’t remain indifferent. The same happened with your aunt Emma. As for Jaime, it’s obvious that you’re jealous. Even so, he loves you.”
“You should have been a psychiatrist, as I told you before,” I replied, curtly.
“Do yourself and the rest of us a favor: stop hurting yourself. You have a beautiful family, enjoy it.”
I nearly ordered her to get out of the car, telling her that I couldn’t stand her and that there was no way I was going to marry her. I almost did. I didn’t want a woman by my side who’d try to rip my soul to pieces.
“What we are going to do is never speak about all this again. I won’t stand for being accused of being jealous of my brother, or any of those things you said. If that’s what you think of me maybe you shouldn’t marry me.”
Esther wasn’t expecting that answer. She kept quiet for a long time, as if she were making a decision.
“You’re right. We shouldn’t get married. At least not before you’ve made amends with yourself and with everyone else. Until then, you won’t be happy, and you won’t be able to make anyone else happy either.”
I didn’t know what to say. Esther had given me a taste of my own medicine. We remained silent until we arrived in New York. I dropped her off at her home. She said goodbye with a kiss so light I barely felt it.
The scene could have been different. It should have been thus:
I should have told Esther that at least I’d make an effort, yes, I’d try to make amends with John and with Jaime, and I’d send some flowers to Aunt Emma to thank her for offering to help us with the wedding. I should even have promised to introduce Esther to Grandpa and Grandma Spencer as soon as possible. She’d like them. Grandma Dorothy would be a bit aloof at first, but as soon as she decided that Esther was the right girl for me she’d give her her full attention.
Story of a Sociopath Page 34
