“Leave me alone,” I answered, and walked out of the room.
Esther followed me; I saw her make a gesture to Emma that seemed to indicate she would look after me.
She stood next to me without saying a word. I felt the heat of her arm next to my body. I didn’t look at her. I got into the elevator and headed toward the door of the hospital, fully set on leaving. John was nothing to me. Let his real son, Jaime, and his sister, Emma, look after him, I thought, without any sense of remorse.
“You shouldn’t go,” I heard Esther say, and she grabbed my hand to stop me.
“Why not? I can’t stand them.”
“You owe them. They can make you as angry as you want, but you have a debt to your family, one that can’t be paid off. I hope you’re not going to be so miserly as to refuse to try.”
“So you’re one of those people who thinks you have to pay for everything in this life. In that case, where’s the glory in giving? Do you give something in order to receive?”
“Don’t simplify things, Thomas. With me especially, don’t get caught up in your cheap philosophizing. Giving and receiving are the essence of relationships between people. Some people act disinterestedly, yes, but the love that you get from your parents, your brothers and sisters, from certain other people whom you meet over the course of your life, is a love that deserves an answer. You can’t remain indifferent to it simply because it wasn’t something you sought. This love flourishes on its own. The mother who has just given birth feels love for the little innocent creature in her lap. Without any prompting, she gives the child infinite love, spontaneously. Does she expect something in return? Of course, she expects a response to this love, not out of selfishness, but because the love you receive is the necessary complement to the love you give.”
“Now it’s you with the cheap philosophizing,” I retorted.
But Esther did not shrink away from me. I never managed to make her lose her cool. She was always in control of our relationship, whatever form it took as the years went by.
“Your aunt Emma is right. Ever since your mother died you haven’t stopped upsetting your father. You need to hurt him to take revenge for the fact that he isn’t your biological father. You would have given your life to be like him, and as that isn’t the case you’re making him pay for things that aren’t his fault. Things that nobody should have to pay for. Especially not John, but not yourself either.”
“Philosopher, psychologist. What else?” I was trying to mock her, and laugh at her words.
“Don’t make it harder, Thomas. You make it impossible for all the people who love you. If we stop loving you, imagine what you could expect from the rest of the world. You’ve got a pretty good dose of sadism in you, which you like to deploy on yourself as well. You have a death wish. You know that what you do will destroy you, but you still carry on. You are the scorpion who asks the frog to carry him across the river, and who can’t resist stinging him even though he knows it’ll mean his own death.”
“My star sign is Scorpio,” I said, laughing.
“I’ve made a decision, Thomas, and listen to me, because what I am about to say is irreversible.”
We were at the door of the hospital. It was cold. I don’t know why I was so worried. I suggested that we go to the cafeteria. I didn’t want to stay outside.
We sat down at a table apart from everyone else and ordered a couple more coffees. My head was still aching and I begged Esther to give me another aspirin. She seemed to hesitate, but she gave me one.
“If you can’t make peace with yourself, if you can’t make peace with the people who have given you so much, your father and the rest of your family, then I don’t want to hear from you again.”
“Right, the Good Samaritan wants me to be a good little boy with what you call my family.”
“What I want is for you to stop destroying yourself. I want you to stop, right now. I want you to face up to your life with no resentment, I want you to accept who you are, to enjoy what you have, above all to appreciate the people who love you. If you can’t live with yourself, then there’s no room in your life for anyone else. All your relationships will be contaminated.”
“Are you trying to break up with me?”
“You understand what I mean. I’m not even considering the possibility of marrying you, just the possibility of being your friend. You are, the way you are at the moment, too harmful for anyone who comes close to you. Think about it, Thomas. Take all the time you want, but face up to yourself without any tricks or foolery. And when you’ve done so, and have come to a decision, then call me, if you still want to.”
“I can’t stand it when women want to make men change.”
“It’s not about making you change. It’s about accepting yourself as you are. I think you need help. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist would help you put your mind in order.”
“Leave me, Esther, I don’t need you.” I got up and turned away without looking at her. I didn’t pay for the coffee.
I bumped into Jaime on the way out of the hospital. I couldn’t stop him from giving me a hug. There were traces of tears on his cheeks. The idiot must have been crying as he drove.
Jaime thanked me, I don’t know for what, and said that it was a great help for him that I was there. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me toward the elevator without giving me any time to react, to tell him that all I wanted to do was to leave, to go have a good long sleep.
Aunt Emma was still sitting in the waiting room. Her face lit up when she saw Jaime. He hugged her and I saw that his mere presence calmed her down.
My brother insisted to the fat nurse that he wanted to speak to the doctor. His insistence was almost a plea, and it seemed to move the woman, so first Dr. Patterson appeared, then Dr. Payne. Neither of them said much more than what they’d already told us. John was in serious condition, but this was something he could perhaps recover from. It would be necessary to wait a few hours to see how much damage the stroke had caused. There was nothing to do but wait. Meanwhile, Dr. Payne repeated, John would have to stay in the ICU, but he told Jaime and Emma that he would let them in to see him for a few minutes.
When they came out of the ICU, Emma’s face was distraught. She wasn’t ready to lose her only sibling.
Jaime seemed calmer and, more than anything else, resolved to be the one who would take control of the situation.
“We’ll take turns. We don’t know how much time we’ll have to be here and it’s useless for us to tire ourselves out on the first day. The best thing would be for Thomas to go home, he’s been here since early this morning. Aunt Emma, you stay until seven, then you go and take a break.”
“What about you?” Aunt Emma asked.
“I’ll stay here for a while. Then I’ll go home, have something to eat and come back. Then you can go. I want to spend the night here in case something happens. Tomorrow Thomas can come at eight o’clock. I’ll stay here until the doctors give us their morning report and then I’ll go and rest until midday. Thomas can stay the night tomorrow and you can be with both of us for a part of our shifts. How does that sound?”
I didn’t intend to spend any time sitting in a chair in that hospital waiting room or sitting next to a hospital bed. I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted, but I didn’t want to fight either, especially as Jaime was offering me the opportunity to go home, which was the only thing I wanted at that moment.
María seemed to have gotten even older. She must have been watching from a window, because she opened the door just as I was putting my key into the lock.
“How is he?” she asked anxiously.
“Bad.” I enjoyed saying that.
“But he’ll get better? He is going to live, isn’t he?”
“They don’t know yet, maybe not.” I enjoyed watching her suffer.
Her arms fell to her sides, weak, as though she were surrendering herself to this news.
“The doctors can’t do anything?
” she asked in a faint voice.
I shrugged and asked her to bring a tray to my room with something to eat. I was famished and exhausted. I needed to lie down for a while and sleep in order to feel like myself again. And that’s what I did.
I went to sleep immediately. I heard Jaime’s voice in the distance. It was difficult for me to wake up, and when I made an effort and opened my eyes I saw my brother’s figure taking shape before me. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting patiently for me to wake up.
“I’m sorry to have woken you, but there’s some good news. Dad is speaking and moving his leg. Dr. Patterson says he’s going to make it. But I’m afraid he’s going to have to stop working, at least for a while. Oh, and our grandparents are about to arrive. Their plane gets here at nine. They were lucky to get tickets. Could you go and pick them up at LaGuardia?”
“Our grandparents?” I asked, still half asleep.
“Yes, James and Dorothy. They’re very old and a little slow. You know they’ve been in Florida for most of the year. Come on, Thomas, wake up.”
“Why don’t you send the driver from the office?” I asked. The last thing I wanted was to go all the way to the airport.
“Because it’s after six and his shift is over. Take my car, it won’t take long.”
“What about you?”
“I’m on at the hospital, and I’ll go back there. I’ll be there all night. Grandma Dorothy will insist on seeing Dad, so you should bring them to the hospital and then take them home.”
“Yes, boss,” I replied, with obvious annoyance, just to let him know that I didn’t like him giving me orders.
But Jaime skated over my grumpiness. He left my room sure that I would do what he had told me to do.
I got up and got into the shower. I noticed, as the water ran over me, that the effects of last night’s alcohol had evaporated. Although I had eaten a good slice of roast beef, I was still hungry. But I couldn’t delay if the Spencers’ airplane was landing at nine; in fact, I scarcely had time to get to the airport. And so I went. I was surprised to see them so fragile, so old. Grandma Dorothy’s mind seemed to be wandering a little.
I did everything that Jaime had asked of me. I took the Spencers to the hospital and waited for them to see John. Jaime had convinced Dr. Patterson that my grandparents would not be able to rest until they had seen their son, and the doctor had accepted this. Jaime had the curious ability to make people do what he wanted them to do. I suppose it must have been his good manners, his wheedling tone, the fact that he looked like a polite, well-brought-up kid. Anyway, everyone always did whatever he wanted.
The Spencers had a maid who lived permanently in their New York town house. She was as old as they were. She had helped them for so many years that she was almost part of the furniture. Although they lived for six months of the year in Florida and didn’t need her in New York, it would never have occurred to them to fire her. When we arrived, the woman was waiting for them with a light meal. They insisted that I stay for a while and share their food. I did so. Although I was no longer hungry, I would’ve liked to have eaten something more substantial than a ham and cheese sandwich and a salad.
I had always respected my Spencer grandfather. I would never have dared call him James, or my grandmother Dorothy. But I didn’t want to call them my grandparents, so I tried to find a way to talk to them without using this title either. It was not easy and on many occasions I failed in the attempt.
Grandfather James asked me how I was enjoying my life in London. He wanted to know about my work in detail, but did not seem satisfied when I explained to him everything I had been doing. As for my grandmother Dorothy, her only interest was in whether or not I would marry Esther. “The girl suits you,” she said, then added, “In spite of being Italian, but maybe that’s not such a disadvantage.” I was surprised that she said this. What was it about Italians that rankled my grandmother? She was quintessentially white, Anglo-Saxon, and Protestant, but Grandmother Dorothy had always been a liberal, just like my grandfather and John.
I didn’t get home until midnight. I stayed up to watch television for a while. I tried to avoid thinking about what Esther had said to me. I knew that she’d been serious and that if I didn’t exhibit a substantial change in my behavior then I would have to accept that our relationship was over. Change? No, I wasn’t going to put on an act for anyone. I was who I was and I felt how I felt; I wouldn’t behave differently, even for her. I would miss her, and it would be hard for me not to have her to rely on, but I would have to get used to it. I couldn’t betray Esther; I didn’t want to, I didn’t know how. So I had to overcome the temptation I felt to call her, for all that I wanted to talk to her. I would have to get used to the idea that she was not going to marry me, and that she would never be at the other end of the telephone line.
I was going to pour myself a whiskey, but I didn’t, because I could still feel the memory of my debauchery last night in my mouth and my gut.
—
Bernard Schmidt called me a few days later. He insisted that I carry out my project in Spain as soon as possible. I wasn’t upset by his lack of interest in John’s health. The only reason he had called was to get me to go back to work. He seemed impatient.
“Evelyn and Jim Cooper are more than capable of handling it themselves. I can manage them from here,” I said, knowing that he would say no.
“You have a contract,” he reminded me.
“Yes, but I’m not leaving New York for the moment. I’ve already told you that my father is in critical condition. Also, I work for Roy, he’s my major client for the agency.”
“But not your only one.”
“That’s not what Roy wanted. If you’re not okay with that then we can break the contract whenever you want and your hands will be free to employ someone else.”
“That’s an excellent idea. We’ll do that. There won’t be another job, but finish this one. I’ll talk to the lawyers, or I’ll get them to get in touch with you to work out the details of the cancellation.”
“I’ll talk to Roy.”
I felt somehow free after this conversation with Schmidt. Up until that point I hadn’t realized just how stressed I felt working with him or for him, even if it was only as an intermediary. He riled me, that man did, as much as I riled him. I liked the job, but not enough to put up with Schmidt—or anyone—breathing down my neck. I would work, yes, but I would be my own boss. The problem was that I had to do the work in Spain before terminating my contract. But I wasn’t going to drop everything and head over immediately. I wasn’t ready to be their errand boy. Also, I didn’t want to leave New York. It wasn’t that I cared about John’s health, but I needed to think about myself, to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I felt an intimate satisfaction just being in the city. I felt like I was a part of New York, as if I were in some way an extension of the streets, the people, the air we breathed.
I called Cooper to explain the situation to him. He sounded scared when he asked me what it would mean if I broke the contract with the lawyers, whether he and Evelyn would be fired.
“I don’t know, Cooper. Schmidt wants to get rid of me and I want to be free. They may decide to keep you on, but I can’t guarantee anything.”
“You should come and clear things up,” he said, almost begging me.
“Not just yet. You and Evelyn will have to sort things out without me. I don’t think it will be a problem for you to organize a campaign to convince the Spaniards of the advantages of having oil just off their coast.”
“It’s not as easy as all that. This is a strange country,” Cooper protested.
“You have Neil.”
“Yes, but we need you here,” he insisted.
“Keep working. I’ll come as soon as I can.”
—
It took me two weeks to get back. I would go and visit John in the mornings, not because I thought it was my duty but because I needed some kind of routine to dispel my unease. Wh
en I left the hospital I would take long, aimless walks. I liked walking in Central Park, letting my legs guide me wherever they wanted. I would sometimes go to see a movie, and once or twice I even met up with Paul Hard.
I liked talking to Paul, because he was a man whom nothing could surprise. He liked drinking as much as I did, so it was easy to spend time with him.
Paul advised me to go to Madrid and finish the work.
“You won’t be free until you do. Schmidt will make you fulfill the contract,” he said.
He was right.
We also talked about Esther.
“She’s the best student to have passed through the academy. She should have gone to a good university; it’s a shame she didn’t have the money. But she’ll go far, you’ll see. She’s done a few campaigns that have made people take notice of her.”
When I asked him what I could do to get her back, Paul shrugged.
“You don’t have anything to offer her, Thomas, nothing she wants. Esther is how she is. You’ve got different interests. You need her, she doesn’t need you. Also, you’re not even in love with her.”
I protested. I insisted that I loved her a great deal, but Paul laughed and replied that it was not love that made me want her.
“Esther is like your mother’s womb, a place where you feel safe.”
Paul introduced me to a couple of his friends, middle-aged women. We went out three or four times together. I slept with the oldest one. She treated me like I was her son, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t the first time that I had gone to bed with a woman old enough to be my mother. Even so, I preferred to seek my own entanglements, and I told Paul I’d rather see him alone. I didn’t need to explain why.
I realized that something was happening with Paul that was similar to what had happened with Esther. I didn’t need to play a role. It would have been useless to try to fool him.
I called Esther on several occasions, but hung up before the phone connected. What could I say to her? I knew from Jaime that she called the hospital from time to time to ask after John. My brother said that one night, after leaving work, Esther came by the hospital. John was pleased to see her. Jaime too.
Story of a Sociopath Page 44
