“I’ve already told you that she was out of sorts and I decided to give up the night as a lost cause. What kind of man do you take me for, Madame?”
“She died instantly. One of the wheels crushed her head. It was a terrible accident. They’re going to cremate her first thing in the morning the day after tomorrow. It’s a relief for everyone that it will be over.”
“There won’t be any further investigation?”
“No. Yoko was a good student. Her boyfriend has said that he thought her parents were supporting her and they haven’t contradicted him. I think that her mother…well, I think her mother may have known that her daughter was coming here, but obviously she hasn’t wanted to share that information in a situation like this. When all is said and done, Yoko is gone and nothing will bring her back.”
I finished drinking my tea, which would naturally cost me the same as champagne. My head was spinning and I was feeling nauseated again. I steadied myself when I saw Nataly’s silhouette through the glass pane in the door.
“But, darling, it’s Thursday today!” Madame Agnès exclaimed in surprise.
“I hope you don’t mind that I’ve come today. I’ll come again tomorrow, of course,” Nataly said with a half-smile.
“You’re always welcome. I think some of our friends are in the lounge…”
“If you don’t mind, Madame, I’d like Nataly to join me for a light dinner,” I interrupted her. “I can’t stay long, but if she doesn’t mind…”
“Of course! I’ll tell them to serve you dinner immediately in the Blue Room. How does that sound?”
“Lovely, thank you, Madame.”
I clutched Nataly’s arm because my head was spinning so fast I was afraid of falling over. Once we entered the private room I made for the bathroom, where I spent quite a while vomiting.
Nataly waited patiently in the small lounge, enjoying a Coca-Cola the waiter had brought along with the champagne.
I collapsed onto the sofa. Sweat was running down my face and neck, soaking my whole body. Perhaps I should have gone to a hospital, but I would let Esther make that decision as soon as I left Madame Agnès’s.
“You look terrible, what’s wrong?” asked Nataly, without a hint of compassion in her voice.
“I’ve been knocked out by shrimp.”
“You should go home.”
“That’s exactly what I’ll do as soon as you tell me everything you’ve found out.”
“Dave, Yoko’s boyfriend, is distraught. His friends at the university say that he doesn’t understand what happened, that Yoko went through a bad patch a while ago, but that she’d been better recently. They say that Yoko…well, that she was a nervous girl, especially given the anorexia. She ate very little and was constantly throwing up.” Nataly conveyed an element of reproach in her words.
“What else?”
“Yoko’s mother would like to take her ashes to Japan. Her father doesn’t have any objections, but there’s so much red tape that they eventually agreed to lay her to rest in London. And that’s all.”
“There’s nothing more?” I asked mistrustfully.
“Nothing more. It’s better that way, isn’t it? If there were more to know you probably wouldn’t like it.”
“You’ve been very impertinent, Nataly.”
“You know what, Thomas? Before I didn’t think you were such a bad guy. It’s not that I liked you, none of that, but at least there’s no need for pretense with you. You’ve never worried about what a girl might feel, so you only expected them to please you. That’s fine, faking it is very boring. But…”
“But what?”
“I regret having given you information about Yoko. I was wrong to do it, I think I harmed her. Ever since I told you what I found out about her, things changed. Yoko started to lose weight, she threw up every time she saw you here…She was nervous, she was afraid of something. She was afraid of you.”
“You’re crossing the line. Yoko had no reason to be afraid of me. I didn’t want anything special from her. Of all the girls here she was the one who pleased me the most, nothing more.”
“Well, I think there was much more to it, Thomas.”
I didn’t like what Nataly was suggesting. Her inquisitive stance and her implication that I had something to do with Yoko’s death annoyed me.
“I’m going back to the U.S. in a few days. Tell me how much I owe you for this information.”
“Five hundred pounds.”
“You haven’t told me anything that’s worth five hundred pounds.”
“It’s a fair price, Thomas.” She looked at me, defying me.
I gave her the money. I didn’t want to argue with her. I was starting to feel nauseated again and I wanted to get out of there.
We left the private room and I leaned on her arm again to go down the stairs. The butler was waiting at the entrance with our coats and I placed the envelope with the money to cover my visit on the silver tray. Like all Madame Agnès’s clients, I knew the rates. When I went out onto the street and into the cool evening air, I felt better. Nataly didn’t even say goodbye to me and walked quickly until she disappeared among the first shadows of the night. I looked around until I spotted Esther, who was waiting a few steps from Madame Agnès’s. Her nose was red from the cold.
“Who was that girl?”
“A friend of Yoko’s.”
She didn’t let me tell her anything until we got back to the apartment. She made me undress and get into bed and take some of the medication, which made me vomit even more. I had a hellish night.
On Friday morning the vomiting and nausea had passed, but I felt so weak that I couldn’t get up.
“I won’t be able to go to Derbyshire and Roy’s expecting us for dinner tonight,” I reminded her.
“I’ll call him and we’ll go tomorrow. You shouldn’t worry. You’ve had food poisoning; it can happen to anyone and Roy will understand.”
I spent the rest of the day in bed. I got up only so that the maid could clean our room, which after a night of sweating and vomiting was like a battleground.
—
On Saturday morning we went to Derbyshire. I felt better, although not well enough to face the intensely emotional situation waiting for us. We not only needed to see Roy but to confront Suzi too.
Roy was waiting for us at the Rural Party headquarters with his fellow mayors. They had prepared a small room with tables of sandwiches and drinks, ready to spend most of the day there.
Esther explained the change of strategy. Roy needed to fit in with his voters, so he would do what they were doing. The electoral committee should arrange things so that over the next few weeks Roy could balance his time at the town hall with working as a baker, mechanic, office worker, farmer, sheep shearer…whatever the men in that county did. Furthermore, once a month Roy and the rest of the Rural Party mayors would hold an open meeting with all the county voters who wanted to raise any issues.
I listened to them discuss Esther’s proposals for some time. I remained silent; I didn’t have the energy to convince them of anything. I still wasn’t feeling great and I didn’t give a damn what those men thought.
Esther handled them well. She listened to them patiently, she let them speak, she didn’t disagree with any of the ideas they suggested, but in the end she made sure that her ideas won out. Roy had the last word: “We’ll do what Esther has suggested.” Evelyn smiled in relief.
Then we went to Roy’s house. He had insisted on inviting us over for dinner. Evelyn seemed worried about what Suzi might say.
“She knows you’re here. I told her this morning and I warned her that I don’t want any trouble. She’ll join us for dinner.”
Roy poured us some drinks in the lounge while we waited for Suzi, who was late in appearing. When she came into the lounge I couldn’t help looking her up and down in astonishment. She was thin, so thin that she was unrecognizable.
“She barely eats,” said Roy when he saw me looking.
Esther hugged her and Suzi didn’t reject her, but she didn’t return the hug either. I went over to her but I didn’t dare kiss her, or even offer her my hand. Evelyn did. Suzi didn’t respond to her either.
“Darling, you look terrible and this is ridiculous,” Esther began, having sat down next to her.
“What do you know?” Suzi murmured.
“I know very well what’s happened and you’re stupid if you destroy yourself over it. You’ve got no reason to. Yours won’t be the first marriage of convenience—take advantage of the situation.”
“And how do you take advantage of living with someone you detest and no longer respect?”
Roy took Suzi’s declaration with a gulp of whiskey from his glass.
“Come on, Suzi. Roy hasn’t done anything so terrible. He acted in good faith. He thought he was doing the best thing for the county,” said Evelyn, sticking up for Roy.
“My husband isn’t an innocent little lamb, of course he knew what he was doing. He stabbed my family in the back. He stabbed me in the back. He betrayed us,” Suzi replied without even looking at Evelyn.
“You’ve closed your eyes and you don’t want to see beyond your version of what’s happened. Do you think that Roy wanted to ruin you? Would he be so stupid as to ruin your father and leave your children without an inheritance? Please, Suzi, you’re an intelligent woman!” Esther intervened.
“And so are you, so find another argument. He hoped to get a lot out of his betrayal, more than they’ve given him.”
“Things haven’t gone so badly, Suzi. Your parents still have a lot of land, they’re not ruined and they’ve received a good payout for the damage caused,” I chimed in.
“My father didn’t need more money, he just wanted them to leave his sheep in peace.”
“I can’t believe that you’ve stopped loving Roy…” Evelyn intervened again.
“Would you love a man who doesn’t mind blackmailing you? That’s what Roy’s done with your help, blackmailed me by preventing me from asking for a divorce and defending my parents. But once my father’s no longer with us…on that day…”
“You have two children, Suzi. Do you want to punish them?” I asked, dispensing with tact.
“On that day we’ll get out of here. My children won’t have to live in this county or put up with the stench their father leaves in his wake.”
“I can’t reason with her,” Roy declared, clenching his fists.
Esther looked at me and I read in her eyes that she agreed with Roy, that there was no hope.
“Perhaps it would be best for you to divorce amicably. Agree on the terms so as not to do damage to yourselves. You could even go and live elsewhere for a while,” Esther suggested, looking at Suzi.
“I’m not leaving while my father’s alive. I can’t leave him alone here.”
“Suzi, your attitude isn’t getting you anywhere. You’re hurting yourself. Only yourself,” Esther stated.
“Would you let your husband screw your parents over and make a mockery of you, then?” Suzi barely contained her rage as she spoke.
“That’s not what’s happened. There’ve been a range of circumstances that make Roy look like the villain, but that’s not the case. Were you stupid enough to marry and live with a bastard? Wouldn’t you have realized sooner if that were the case? Or do you think that Roy is such a dirtbag that he managed to deceive you for all those years? Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Suzi. You’ve succumbed to unreasonable bitterness. I’m not saying that Roy’s done everything right, but who doesn’t make mistakes? However, he never wanted to hurt your father at any point and he certainly never wanted to lose you. You’re the one who seems to want to get rid of him, it’s as if you’ve been waiting for an excuse to put an end to your marriage. You should be honest with yourself and with him. No, I don’t believe that Roy is the problem; the problem stems from you.”
Esther’s speech sounded like a verdict. Suzi remained silent, looking at Esther in astonishment. Roy shifted uncomfortably in his armchair, and neither Evelyn nor I dared move. Esther had taken a gamble.
“We sometimes make excuses to do things that we want but don’t dare to do…Perhaps the only thing that happened to you is that you didn’t know how to end your marriage,” Esther insisted, holding Suzi’s incredulous gaze.
Silence fell once more in the lounge. We could hear one another’s breathing. I had to repress the urge to vomit. My stomach still wasn’t quite right.
“And what do you have to say to me about the blackmail? You’ve threatened me with making public what…what happened to my father when he was a child. That terrible accident.”
“Which ended the life of another man,” I said. “It wasn’t our idea, it was Schmidt and the lawyers’. We did what they told us to. We didn’t enjoy coming here and making threats about making what your father did public…I swear we didn’t. But you didn’t leave the lawyers any other option. I’m not happy about what we did. But we couldn’t refuse. Schmidt would have had our balls.” I spoke with all the conviction I could muster. I thought I could again taste the flavor of shrimp rising from my stomach to my mouth.
“You’re not trying to present yourself as the victim, are you? That really would be rich,” Suzi replied angrily.
“Money has its own rules,” I replied, “and some of them are very dirty. The lawyers have invested a lot in creating the Rural Party and making Roy a leader.”
“Roy needs to establish himself,” Esther intervened, “for the Rural Party to grow, to make a name for himself in London…Only then will he be free and be able to put an end to his relationship with those lawyers. But until then…Well, in reality he’s had no choice but to do some things that have left their mark on him. You’re not being fair to him on that count. You should have been by his side, supporting him through the bad times that he had to go through precisely because he didn’t want to harm your father. Roy’s gone to Calvary and you’ve made it even worse. But I know that’s not the issue, Suzi. The real issue is that you’ve fallen out of love with Roy. What’s happened has provided you with an excuse—not just one to offer him, but for you to justify this to yourself as well,” she concluded in a monotone, yet bolstered with such certainty that Suzi hesitated to reply.
“Are you trying to make me feel guilty?” she finally asked, surprised.
“I’m not trying to do anything, Suzi; I’m analyzing reality. Sometimes we look for excuses to escape situations that make us uncomfortable. Nothing that Roy has done deserves your disapproval, let alone the threat of divorce. I think that when a woman makes a decision like that she doesn’t do it quickly, especially because you have two children, boys to whom you would have to explain why you’re separating from their father. And you don’t feel able to tell them the truth: ‘I don’t feel anything for him anymore.’ These children of yours would never forgive you, so you’ve preferred to play up Roy’s errors to make him the guilty one and justify your split from him.”
Esther spoke so firmly that even I began to think that this was what had really happened.
We were silent again. Suzi was disconcerted. She seemed to be asking herself whether what she was hearing were true, if she might really be the guilty one for not loving Roy enough.
I didn’t know whether Esther had said all that because she truly believed it or because she was an arch-manipulator.
“You’ve just said that we should get a divorce,” Suzi said, bringing us back to reality.
“Yes, I did say that,” Esther confirmed. “I think it’s what you want, Suzi, and it would be best for both of you. But do it without playing tricks, without trying to justify yourself. The love is gone, Suzi, it’s better to admit it, but there’s no need to convince yourself or others that your husband is a monster. It’s better to recognize the situation, speak about it honestly and seek an agreement. It would make the most sense. Roy shouldn’t try to harm you, nor should you try to harm him, and neither of you have the right to harm your children. An amica
ble divorce is better than continuing to live in this hell,” she declared, trying to catch Suzi’s eye.
“I’ll think about it. Yes, I’ll think about it. That could be the solution,” Suzi admitted.
Roy’s face fell. He looked angrily at Esther. I felt the need to intervene before we lost control of the situation, although, in my opinion, Esther had been amazing; she had calmed Suzi right down.
“I think we should eat, it’s getting a bit late,” I said to break the tension.
We went to the dining room and, surprisingly, Suzi seemed livelier. Evelyn embarked upon some small talk, and Suzi didn’t refuse to take part in the conversation. We told her about the plan we had to advance Roy’s career and she listened attentively, and even couldn’t help laughing when she learned that her husband was going to spend several weeks doing the same jobs as the other men in the county. Roy was the one who proved taciturn; he barely spoke.
I didn’t eat a single mouthful; I limited myself to a couple of cups of chamomile tea. I wanted to go to the hotel.
When we got to our room I congratulated Esther on having managed to appease Suzi and asked her whether she believed anything she’d said.
“But of course I believe what I said. I’m not a cynic like you. I’m convinced that Suzi has gotten tired of Roy but doesn’t dare admit it, not even to herself. Perhaps politics has come between them. For Roy politics has become his principal preoccupation and pastime. He travels to London regularly, she must have grown impatient. It may even be that he’s stopped treating her with the same kind of devotion as he did when he was just the husband of the richest woman in the county. Marriages often fail without there being a specific cause. But splitting up is difficult and spouses often want to feel like they have explanations before they take the fatal step. Anything will do. And Roy gave all the trump cards to Suzi. He gave her the perfect excuse when he made his father-in-law sell his land to the gas company.”
Story of a Sociopath Page 61
