“She’s insane. She told me on the phone she was willing to abandon her daughter.”
“She probably doesn’t intend to do that, it’s just her way of putting pressure on you.”
The sound of my cell phone interrupted the conversation. It was Constance.
“Where are you? Ralph said you called. We need to see each other right away.” Her anguish was evident in her voice.
“Yes, of course we’ll see each other, but your husband is at home, so we’ll have to wait until tomorrow when he’s not in.”
“He’s gone now. Carter just came by to pick him up. This morning he stayed longer because he had to finish writing his speech and didn’t want anyone to bother him. You can come, we’ll be alone. Ellen is at school and then she’ll go to a playdate at a friend’s house. I don’t have to pick her up until five.”
“Won’t Ralph be back?”
“There’s no reason why he should. If you look at his website you’ll see he has a packed day. Among other things, he has an interview with the mayor of New York.”
“All right, we’ll meet, but I’d rather it was somewhere other than your house.”
“I’m not going to allow you to humiliate me like you did when you took me to Chinatown,” she warned.
“We could meet at the Waldorf bar,” I suggested.
“At my house, Thomas. We’ll see each other at my house.”
“I’m not going to your house, Constance. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that your husband suspects something.”
“Even better. If he catches us he’ll divorce me immediately.”
“Please, don’t talk nonsense.”
Olivia made a gesture with her hand to indicate that I shouldn’t lose my patience.
“I’ll see you at my place, Thomas.”
Constance hung up the phone and I threw mine against the wall, but fortunately it fell on the sofa. Olivia gave me a worried look.
“You’ll never get anywhere like that, Thomas. It’s too obvious that you want to get rid of her. You have to do the opposite. Be a bit of an actor. Convince her that you love her but that you have to make a sacrifice. Work her bad conscience. Tell her your heart breaks every time you see Ralph with Ellen in his arms, and say how much you admire her for being such a good mother. Things like that.”
“She won’t listen to me,” I protested.
“If you scream at her, she won’t listen. If you hug her, kiss her, and say you love her, and say how hard it’s going to be to give her up, then she might listen. Make her feel like a hero who must renounce love for the sake of her family.”
“What you’re proposing is cheap sentimentalism,” I responded.
“You’ll be better off with cheap sentimentalism than trying to make her listen to reason.”
“She’ll be waiting for me in bed.”
“Then sleep with her and put in your best effort. If you reject her you’ll make her even more mad. Men are so dumb!”
“And maybe you’re being a smartass.”
“Try out my advice. If it doesn’t work you can always apply your own method.”
The last thing I wanted that morning was to have sex with Constance. I was starting to feel the effects of the jet lag.
When I reached the Morgans’ house, I saw Constance pacing back and forth in the garden. She approached me as I parked the car. I asked her to be discreet.
When we went inside she threw herself on me. I kissed her apathetically but didn’t reject her. She held my hand and led me to the bedroom. I thought if I got in bed I might fall asleep, but I followed Olivia’s advice. She had recommended that I make an effort and that’s what I did. Constance seemed satisfied.
“Promise you won’t leave again,” she implored.
“I’ll have to go again on other occasions. I can’t neglect the agency in London. If I promised you I wouldn’t go I’d be lying, and that’s something I don’t want to do.”
“Do you love me?” Constance leaned her elbows on the pillow and looked me in the eye.
“If I didn’t love you everything would be easier.”
“Why did you tell me you wanted to leave me?”
“Don’t you understand?”
“No.”
“Because you’re too important to me. I don’t want to rip your life apart. That’s why I told you we should leave it. I thought if I behaved rudely it would be easier, and you would find it easier to accept. I was wrong. I’m sorry. The last thing I want is to make you suffer.”
She sighed and seemed to relax. At least the tension dissipated from her face and from her body. She hugged and kissed me. I didn’t have the energy or the strength for another round and I nudged her away gently. But she tensed up again.
“Why are you pushing me away?”
“I’m not. I want to talk to you. Anyway you should have mercy on me, I haven’t slept in twenty-four hours.” I laughed.
“There’s nothing to talk about. We’ll stay together. But we need to tell our families the truth. You have to tell Esther, and I’ll tell Ralph. People get divorced all the time. They’ll understand.”
I could have been sincere. I simply could have told her that I didn’t truly care, that I didn’t feel anything for her and that I wasn’t planning to stay with her a minute longer.
Yes, I could have said something like, “It’s over. If you want to start a scandal, go ahead. You’ll only be hurting yourself. Your husband will divorce you and keep Ellen. I don’t care about you, so whatever you decide to do, it won’t affect me.”
—
But I didn’t say that. The time had come to test out Olivia’s theories. If they failed, I had no choice but to act in my own way.
“In London I never stopped thinking about us, our bad luck. Ralph adores you. You mean the world to him and he has shown it.”
“He doesn’t give a shit about me,” she exclaimed.
“That’s not true. If that were the case he wouldn’t have married you. He did, and he’s been faithful to you all these years.”
“Even with Carter?” she retorted, with a strident laugh.
“What do you mean?” I asked, interested in the answer.
“Those two are thick as thieves, ever since college…Sometimes I wonder why Ralph slept with me instead of him…It may even be that he slept with both of us, only I was the one who got pregnant.”
“You’re insinuating that your husband is…Don’t be ridiculous! There’s nothing effeminate in Ralph—these are things that men notice. And you, like all women, are quick to think the worst; you’re jealous that your husband has a good friend who is also his right-hand man.”
“Carter is gay. If you haven’t realized that, you’re blind.”
“Of course Carter’s gay, but that doesn’t mean that all the men in his life are. I got along very well with Carter during the campaign. He’s a smart, sharp guy who knows what needs to be done. We’ve had lunch together at least half a dozen times and I assure you he has not tried to seduce me.”
“He’s in love with Ralph,” she asserted.
“That’s what you think because you’re in love with Ralph, and it bothers you that your husband doesn’t pay as much attention to you as you want him to. So you’d rather find an excuse to justify his behavior.”
“I’m not in love with Ralph, and I never have been,” she remarked calmly, as if it were obvious.
“But…you slept with him in college, you got pregnant…You wanted to keep the baby. What do you call that?”
“It was actually a bet. I bet my friends I could seduce Ralph. We all had a thing against Carter. He was the smartest one, the one who studied the most and who despised us the most. He looked down on us, and Carter was especially spiteful toward me. He went out of his way to ridicule me in front of the others. I don’t know why. Also, Ralph was affectionate with me, and he was the most handsome guy in the class; we all wanted him. I was the one who managed it. We slept together a few times and I didn’t take the nece
ssary precautions so I ended up pregnant.”
I remained silent, analyzing what she had just said. I looked at her and saw a coldhearted harpy. Yes: this serene-looking woman, the sweet and exemplary mother, was a harpy.
“You didn’t have to have the baby,” I insinuated, feeling uneasy.
“I’m a Christian, I could tell you that was the reason. But it was more to make Carter a martyr than to get Ralph to marry me. I knew Carter’s advice to Ralph was to ditch me, to force me to get an abortion. But Ralph, in addition to being ambitious, is too fainthearted. When we were in college he said he was going into politics; therefore he needed to assume his responsibility with a girl he had knocked up and who said she was willing to be a mother. He never loved me, and I never loved him.”
I was tempted to get out of bed and phone Olivia to ask her what I should do in light of the story I had just heard. It made no sense to keep insisting that Ralph loved Constance, but even so, I decided to stick to Olivia’s script.
“That’s what you say now. But you know what, you’re not going to convince me that Ralph doesn’t love you and that you don’t love him. Nobody has a child to get back at an acquaintance from college, and nobody marries a girl because he wants to go into politics. If you two got married, it was because you both felt something for each other; otherwise you would have resolved it another way.”
“You’re wrong, Thomas,” she assured me, lowering her voice.
“Look, I think as time goes by it distorts our view of things. I don’t think you were ever a frivolous or stupid girl. I don’t see you that way, otherwise I wouldn’t be with you. I think you were a romantic girl, sensitive, in love with the handsome guy in class, and you were afraid of being rejected, probably because of you and your friends’ suspicions that he might be involved with Carter, which, from my point of view, had no basis whatsoever. Nobody stays with someone she doesn’t love just because she got pregnant, at least not these days.”
“You’re a good person if you believe that of me.”
Her laughter outraged me. I took her by the arm and twisted it. I was about to hit her, but that would have diverted me from my objective, which was to convince her that she couldn’t abandon her husband and her daughter because she loved them both.
“If you’re that manipulative, then I’m not interested in you. I liked you because you seemed like a sweet woman, different, with principles, responsible. You don’t know how many times I’ve berated myself for entering your life, for dragging you into a relationship that was beneath you.”
“What do you mean? The first time we agreed to meet at the Waldorf, I went with the intention of sleeping with you. I didn’t want anything else. You have no idea how boring and almost nonexistent my love life with Ralph has been…Actually, he…”
“Stop, Constance! Stop talking about your husband that way. I don’t recognize you in the things you say. You’re not like that.”
“What am I like then? I’ll tell you: I’m an idiot who married a man I didn’t love and who I am now tied to because my child is sick, so I can’t work and am forced to depend on him. Ellen is the chain that ties me to Ralph. If she didn’t exist, do you think I’d be with him? Never!” Her voice morphed into a screech.
“I hope things aren’t really the way you say they are because then…”
“Then…”
“You’d stop being important to me. I can’t love someone I don’t respect.”
Olivia would have been proud. The phrase turned out melodramatic and effective all at once. Constance glanced at me fearfully and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me so tight I could barely breathe.
“Let me go, please. We have to clear this up once and for all,” I said, undoing her embrace.
“I’m going to divorce him. I’ll rent an apartment where I can live with Ellen. Then…I hope you do the same, that you divorce Esther and that we marry or at least live together. My daughter won’t bother you. She’s a very good girl.”
We were silent. Constance stared at me intensely, as though she might bore into my skull. Then I hit her. A single blow…She started to bleed and the cheek where I hit her acquired a red color, which stood out from the paleness of the rest of her face.
She remained unfazed. Not a word of protest crossed her lips. With the back of her hand she tried to wipe away the blood that was trickling down her chin.
“Go and wash your face,” I commanded.
She leapt out of bed and went to the bathroom. When she came back I noticed her cheek was swelling across to her eye.
“I’m sorry. You made me very nervous. You’re trying to be a woman you’re not, and if you were like that I would despise you,” I mumbled, as I caressed her numb face.
“We’ll live together, Thomas,” she declared.
“No, Constance, we won’t. You chose me to get back at Ralph for not knowing how to love you the way you would like, the way you need. If Ralph told you he loves you and can’t live without you, then you would drop me like a hot potato. As for Ellen…I don’t think you’re capable of punishing a child by leaving her without a father. Ralph adores the kid, and she adores him. Separating them would be cruel. Ellen is a good girl, but she wouldn’t accept me; she would grow up resenting us. She’s suffered enough already, fighting against illness, for you to also tear her away from her father and from her world.”
“I’ll divorce him!”
“Do whatever you want, but I don’t want to be the one responsible for destroying the life of a child. I’m not such a bad person that I would put my personal feelings and appetites first. And neither are you. It’s natural to fantasize about how happy we could be together, but we found each other late in life and our circumstances are what they are. You owe it to yourself and to your child, and, even if you don’t want to admit it because you’re afraid, you owe it to Ralph. You owe him your loyalty.”
“You’re not going to leave me,” she warned, and her cold voice alarmed me.
“I never said I’d leave you. You’ll leave me. Think about what we’re doing. Think it through properly. I’ll always be close to you and if you need me you’ll have me. Don’t think I’ll find it easy to be around and not ask you to meet me at the Waldorf or come over when Ralph’s away. But I don’t want to continue abusing your kindness, your loneliness.”
The bedroom door opened with a bang. Ralph’s silhouette was drawn against the light. Constance clung to me. She didn’t seem concerned by the presence of her husband.
I got up, pulling the sheet with me to cover myself. I didn’t know what I could say to the man as he looked us over with disgust and resignation.
“So this is what you wanted me to see…” he said in a neutral voice.
“Yes, that’s why I called you. I wanted you to know without needing to tell you. As you can see, Thomas is my lover. I didn’t think you’d be surprised.”
“No, I’m not. I could sense that there was something between you two, but…Was it necessary for you to bring him into my bed?”
Ralph spoke as if I were not present. He ignored me. He addressed only Constance. The little slut had called her husband so that he would catch us in bed. I thought that, as things stood, there was no turning back.
“I’m sorry…” I mustered.
“You’re sorry you’re sleeping with my wife? I don’t think you are,” he said, without looking at me.
“It was a stupid thing to do, for both of us. These things happen but…well, I hope we can behave like adults. It wasn’t right on our part, but…” I didn’t know what else I could say. I felt ridiculous naked, wrapped in a sheet.
I picked up my clothes, which were strewn around the floor. At least I needed to put on some underwear and pants. Ralph’s demeanor was inscrutable as I did this. He continued to stare intently at his wife.
“I hope you’ll give me a divorce as soon as possible,” Constance said defiantly.
“A divorce? You slept with him to get a divorce? You’re so stupid!”
>
“I want to keep Ellen. That’s all.”
“The girl…Our daughter…Of course not.”
Ralph’s voice had acquired a harsh tone that shook me up. I felt a sense of relief when I finished zipping up my pants.
“Could we behave like civilized people?” I implored, as I put my socks on.
“Shut up,” Ralph ordered, without looking at me and without even raising his voice.
“Why does he have to shut up? This concerns the three of us!” Constance proclaimed, with a hysterical screech.
She had stood up. She was naked but didn’t seem to care, or maybe she didn’t even realize. Her face was swelling where I’d hit her. Ralph looked right through her. His eyes were clouded over with something like rage, although he was making an effort not to shout or behave violently.
“Listen, I think we shouldn’t blow this out of proportion,” I intervened, ignoring Ralph’s orders. “What happened between me and Constance has nothing to do with how much she loves you and your daughter. Perhaps it’s her way of telling you that she needs to feel loved, that you should pay more attention to her.”
“How dare you tell me that I don’t pay attention to my wife? How dare you?” Ralph said, this time looking me in the eye.
“I dare because Constance and I talk, and that’s the case for her…But I’ll admit to you that I’ve never had the slightest doubt that she loves you. I mean nothing to her. I’ve only served as revenge.” I tried to make my words sound convincing.
“That’s not true!” she wailed. “I love you. I want the divorce so I can be with you!”
“Don’t try to hurt Ralph even more. I know I mean nothing to you. I…well, I may have allowed myself to get carried away by the circumstances, when I realized how lonely you felt…But I’ve always known that I’ve only been an occasional consolation,” I insisted.
Constance stood in front of me. Her nakedness made me feel uncomfortable but neither she nor Ralph seemed to notice.
“Coward! You’re a coward! Are you scared of Ralph? Is that it?” she shrieked, beside herself.
“Calm down! None of this makes any sense. Of course I’m not scared of Ralph…You’re hysterical and you don’t know what you’re saying.”
Story of a Sociopath Page 72
