“Twelve. You?”
“Thirteen. Do you live here?”
“No. I live in Hawaii with my parents.” I almost choke on my words—I don’t live with my parent’s anymore. I only live with my father. There’s no point correcting myself, for I’ll never see this boy again.
“Hawaii sounds like a cool place to live. How long have you been there?”
I chance a glance in his direction and see he’s relaxed a little, his body less stiff than it was on our walk down here. “About six months. My father is getting transferred to Germany right now, so I’m not going back.”
Joshua tilts his head, the hair that was covering his hazel eyes revealing his confusion.
“My father is in the Marine Corps, so we tend to move around a lot.”
“That must be fun, living in different places all over the world.”
“Not really. I’ll be going to school on base this time, and those schools aren’t a lot of fun. My father sees and hears everything that happens, so I can’t scratch my nose without him hearing about it. If I get a B on a test, he tends to find out before I do. The expectations are higher. I wish I could stay here, but my father won’t let me.” I try to hide the disappointment I feel, remembering my conversation with my father about moving here, but judging by the look on Joshua’s face, I know I’ve failed. Chin up. Everything will be fine in the end.
I’m not sure why I just told him all of that but it’s all the truth. I’m not looking forward to moving to Germany. I hate base schools. Normally, I’d have at least one companion, my mother, but anymore.
This time, I’ll be all alone.
“Madison,” I hear my grandma yell. I turn to find her and Carol standing on the back porch, waving for me to come back to the house.
“It looks like they want us to head back in,” I say as I start up the hill. Joshua follows without a word, a few steps behind me the entire way.
“I’m not ready to go back in yet. Do you think they would mind if we hung out here for a while longer?” he asks as we approach the porch.
“I can ask if you want.” I turn to find him standing a few feet behind me. He nods, a weak smile appearing on his lips. He looks sad and broken.
I wish there were something I could do to brighten his day.
Popping my head inside, I let Grandma know that Joshua and I are going to hang out on the back porch for a while longer. She must understand he needs more time, because she agrees and promises to send Eloise, her housekeeper, out with snacks shortly.
“Are you hungry?” I ask as I take a seat in the grass next to him.
“A little,” he replies, shrugging.
“Eloise is going to bring us something to eat in a few minutes. I’m not sure what she’s bringing, but if you don’t like it, I’m sure she won’t mind making you something else.”
“Whatever she brings is fine. I’m not picky.”
“Well, I am. I hope she remembers.”
“Remembers what?” Joshua asks, turning in my direction, his curiosity piqued.
“What I do and don’t like.”
“Aren’t you here often?”
I can hear the confusion in his voice. I’m going to have to explain more of the arrangement my father and my grandma have. “Every summer. For a week.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah, and normally we don’t stay around here. Grandma is going to be taking me to the beach in a few days and we’re going to spend some time there. Then she promised to take me shopping for school clothes before my father gets here to pick me up.” Picking at the grass beside me in an attempt to keep my emotions in check, I swallow back tears. I don’t want to think about going home yet.
“Sounds like fun.”
“It’s going to be a busy few weeks. I get to stay for two weeks this summer since I’m going all the way to Germany for at least a year.”
Staring out at the river, Joshua doesn’t respond so I let the conversation die. Eloise shows up a few minutes later with food, and we eat in silence. I pick at my sandwich, my appetite still not what it normally is. Joshua notices, but I make an excuse about not being super hungry—I’m not sure he buys it. The silence between us is allowing my mind to wander, and my mother is all I can think about.
“You look like you’re about to cry. Are you sure you’re okay?” I look up to find a concerned expression on his face.
“Yeah. Just a rough couple of weeks, I guess.” I try and brush it off, making it sound like it’s not a big deal, but I’m dying a little on the inside right now.
“Same here.” Joshua pauses and waits for me to look at him before he continues. “Want to talk about it?”
It can’t hurt to talk about it with him. If I cry, no big deal. I’m never going to see this guy again. Even if I do, I feel like I can trust him for some reason.
“My mother died.” Looking away, I blurt the words out before I lose my nerve.
Joshua gasps, but I can’t look up at him. Although I’m holding it together right now, I can’t bear to see the pity in his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” His voice is soft, making him sound much smaller than I know him to be.
Reaching over, he takes my hand in his, and I immediately lace our fingers together. He doesn’t pull away. Instead, he gives my hand a small squeeze, and I smile at the butterflies that awaken in my stomach. I’m not sure why, but I feel completely comfortable with him—even though I know nothing about him.
“Thank you. I’ll be fine in time. I just need to get past the shock. Because it was sudden, I wasn’t prepared for it. No one was. What hurts the most is I didn’t get to say goodbye. It’s like there’s a void in my life right now. That’s the best way I know how to describe it, I guess.” Opening up to someone, talking about her, feels good for a moment. Then silence falls again and with it comes the sadness.
“I can’t possibly imagine.”
I want to tell him more. I want to tell him the entire truth about it. She wasn’t strong enough to fight harder. Her demons were too dark. How do you tell someone your mother took her own life? It’s hard enough to know it’s the truth. It’s even harder to know it’s my fault.
“Want to go for a walk? I can ask my grandma if we can walk into town.” My words are rushed. I need to change the subject, and fast, before the threatening tears begin to fall.
“Sure.”
After getting permission, Joshua and I start down the road toward my favorite place in town. The sun isn’t going to start setting for about an hour so we have plenty of time.
I’ve walked this path many times. Every summer Grandma and I come down here together. This will be the first time I’ve been here without her. I’ve never shared this with anyone else. Not my mother. Not my father. It’s always been just Grandma and me. I hope he likes it.
“Where are we headed?” Joshua asks as we turn toward town.
“My favorite place in New Bern. Since you’re new to town, I thought I’d show it to you. Every time I come to visit, Grandma and I come down here and watch the sunset together. I thought you might like it.”
“Cool.” Joshua shoves his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans and keeps his eyes trained on the ground ahead of him. Something is going on inside his head. I want to ask. I know I shouldn’t, that whatever is happening in his life is big, but I can’t help myself. I shared my story with him earlier, and it felt good to talk about it. Maybe talking about it will help him, too.
“Do you wanna talk about it? I know you’re not supposed to, but I figure since I don’t live here, and we probably won’t see each other again… you can talk to me if you want.” I put the ball in his court. If he wants to, he can. If not, I won’t hold it against him.
He doesn’t respond, and I take his silence as an answer. When the gazebo finally comes into view, I see that we’re right on time. I grab onto Joshua’s arm and pull him along, my excitement getting the best of me. He removes his hand from his pocket and laces our fingers together again. I look down and smil
e at the sight.
Taking a seat on the bench facing the water, I pull Joshua down next to me. I expect him to let go of my hand, but he doesn’t. Instead, he gently settles our hands on his leg. I fight the urge to move closer to him. There are only a few inches between us, but I want to feel his body against mine. As if reading my mind, he scoots closer until our arms and legs press together.
“I want to tell you my story, but you have to promise not to judge me. And you can’t tell my mother that I ever told you.”
Surprised by his admission, I nod my head, keeping my eyes focused on the water and the sinking sun. “My father likes to drink. When he drinks, he gets angry and stupid. He likes to beat on my mother for no reason. He’s been like that for as long as I can remember. My mom finally had enough of it and we left. That was two weeks ago. We’ve been running from city to city trying to avoid being found. We ended up at a women’s shelter two days ago, and they told us about your grandma.”
As his words fade, I find myself speechless. I don’t know what to say, but I know that I need to say something. “I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have had to see that, and your mother shouldn’t have had to deal with that. She must be a strong woman to put up with it for so long, but she’s an even stronger woman for leaving. That takes bravery. My grandma will help her, and you, I promise. She’s very good at what she does, and the Foundation will make sure that your father never finds you.”
“How can you promise me that? You don’t know my father.”
“Because I know my grandma.”
“But my father is a cop. He has connections. He will find us again. I just know it. That’s why we kept going. It felt like he’d find us if we didn’t.” His voice is shaky, the fear Joshua holds for his father very real in every word he speaks. There is nothing I can do or say to calm those fears.
“I need you to trust me, trust my grandma.” I hope he hears the sincerity in my words.
“My mother does. I can tell. She’s not nearly as on edge as she was before you showed up this afternoon.”
I noticed that earlier, too. She had a small smile on her face when I asked if we could go into town. I can’t imagine she would have let him wander that far away from her if she didn’t feel confident he’d be safe.
“Here,” I say as I reach into my pocket and pull out the friendship bracelet I found in my drawer when packing my bag last night. I don’t remember who its from. I can’t even remember what city I was leaving when it was given to me. What I do remember is the feeling that I wasn’t alone in this world when I shoved it in my pocket. Someone cared about me. Someone was thoughtful enough to give it to me. I wish I could remember her name. I’d write her a letter and thank her. “Take this. I may not be around, but anytime you get worried that your dad is going to find you, just remember what I said. You can trust my grandma.”
After placing the bracelet in Joshua’s free hand, I close it tightly. When I look up to smile at Joshua, I’m met with a look that I can’t quite describe. I don’t have time to think about it as his lips descend upon mine, and the butterflies that had gone dormant in my stomach come to life. My eyes close, my heart skips a beat, and I’m lost at what to do next. Both my hands are occupied holding his.
I’ve never been kissed before, but I can only imagine, as far as first kisses go, this is pretty amazing. Joshua’s lips are gentle against mine. I feel his warm breath against my cheek, and even that sends my heart into overdrive.
It doesn’t last long enough. Not for me. When he pulls back, I let out a breath and slowly open my eyes. Joshua is staring at me, grinning. The look he was giving me before is gone and has been replaced with one I can describe. Happiness.
Turning, I focus on the sunset that’s begun without us noticing. I can’t stop smiling, and out of the corner of my eye I can see he’s smiling, too. When I arrived here today, I felt empty and alone. I don’t feel either anymore. I feel alive.
It’s not until we’re at the end of Grandma’s driveway that he breaks the comfortable silence that has descended upon us. Turning toward me, he takes both of my hands in his and looks directly into my eyes. What I see causes me to draw in a swift breath.
“How did I get so lucky at only thirteen? I found the girl of my dreams, and I wasn’t even looking for you. Do you really have to leave?”
Knowing I do and we won’t ever see each other again, I lay all my feelings out on the table. “People always tend to find each other when they least expect it. I never expected to meet you or to feel this way only days after losing my mother, but I do. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I’d love to spend more time with you, but that’s not in our cards. Neither of us will be here tomorrow. I’ll be headed to the beach with my grandma and then off to Germany. You’ll be headed to your new life with your mom, a better life, where you’ll be happy and safe. I’d never want to take that away from you. Even if it meant seeing you again.”
“Do you think we’ll ever see each other again?” I can hear the hope in his words.
“I hope so,” I reply.
“I’ll find you, Madison. It may take me another thirteen years, but I will find you.” The conviction in his words sends a shiver down my spine.
“I’ll be waiting.” The same hope I heard in his voice is now in mine. I want to promise him we’ll find each other again, but I don’t, knowing some things in life are not possible, no matter how much hope you hold.
Jumping Puddles
February 1991
Everyone’s life is full of obstacles and issues. I’ve always tried to see the brighter side of things, but lately, it’s been a challenge. Instead of being able to see the rainbows after the storm, I can’t seem to look past the storm itself.
When I was six years old, there was a storm. It swept through quickly, leaving the Earth saturated. My mother took me outside, and I spent the next few hours jumping in the puddles of water left behind. When I stepped in the puddles, small waves caused the surface to distort. Every time I stomped my foot, water would splash up, getting the hem of my dress wet and disturbing the surface of the puddle.
Sometimes it feels like my life has been a series of puddles I’ve been pushed in, causing the entire surface to be disturbed. The biggest puddle, the reason I jump over them and not in them anymore, was the day my parents died. That day changed the rest of my life, and nothing's felt right since then.
As the car pulls to a stop, I stare at the house and take stock of where I’m about to land. Nice yard. Large front porch. An adorable, middle-aged couple waiting for me. They look… normal. Looks can be deceiving, though. The people I just left looked normal until the door closed behind me. That’s when their true colors started to shine.
It didn’t take long to understand why they were interested in an older foster kid. I was a slave. If I wasn’t cleaning their house or washing their clothes, I was forced to watch the other kids so they could have a break. There were nights when they came home well after we were all in bed and days when they still weren’t there to make breakfast. That became my job.
Three weeks, that’s all I lasted. The moment he backhanded me for forgetting to close the bread bag properly was the moment I decided it was over. I was done. I’d never been one to run from my problems, but those bastards changed that. Instead of walking to school like I was supposed to, I ran as fast as possible, straight downtown to the DFS office.
To say they were surprised to see me is an understatement. My case worker even did a double take when I walked in her office.
“Charlotte. What are you doing here?” she asked, a look of surprise on her face.
“I can’t live there, Beth.”
“I know it’s hard. It’s an adjustment, and it’s only temporary. I need you to try, though. It’s only been a few weeks. You didn’t even give them a chance.” Walking around her desk, Beth took the seat across from me, placing her hand on my knee.
“You’re right. I should give them a chance,” I replied, my voice heavy with sarcasm.
“In fact, I better get back before they notice I’m gone. If I don’t, the toilet may never get cleaned.”
Standing, ready to leave, I felt Beth’s hand on my arm. I pulled away, not wanting her pity. I knew the reality of my situation: two more years before I’m out of the system—two very long years before I’m free and able to stand on my own two feet.
“We’ll find you somewhere else, Charlotte. I promise.” Her voice was soft, caring.
I’d only known Beth for a few weeks, but she’d been honest with me since the moment we met. I trusted her. Trust was something that was normally earned with me, but I’d given it to Beth freely. I wanted to trust her.
Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I focus on today. The woman waves from the porch, and I find myself raising my hand to return the gesture. I catch my hand before it rises above the window, stopping myself. Her smile becomes tentative as she turns to the man standing beside her. He meets her gaze, and her demeanor changes after a few beats. She relaxes, her shoulders sagging forward, as she reaches for his hand.
It’s time.
I reach for the handle, pull it toward me, and push the door open. As I place my foot on the concrete of the driveway, I take a deep breath and say a silent prayer. I pray this place will be different than the last, better. I pray for a normal life. I pray I will be safe here. Finally, I pray my parents will watch over and protect me.
The bottom step creaks as I place the majority of my weight on it. I focus my attention on the step, where my foot has landed. They are in pristine condition. There is no reason it should shift under the weight of my one hundred ten pound frame. Was the noise a figment of my imagination, or did it really happen?
“Charlotte.”
My attention is drawn to the woman standing on the porch as she sweetly says my name. Her arms are wrapped tightly around her middle as if she’s giving herself a hug. There’s a nip in the air today. She’s wearing a jacket, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to keep her warm. I watch as her husband wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her in close.
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