Greg (4:37pm) So better than expected then?
Blake (4:37pm) Ha
Greg (4:38pm): I’m glad you still think I’m funny.
Blake (4:38pm): That was a sarcastic ha.
Greg (4:38pm) Yeah I got that, bathroom boy. Get back out there.
Blake (4:39pm): His dad’s joking around about the car but I can tell he’s kinda serious and I’m sweating.
Greg (4:39pm): Splash your face with cold water and chill the fuck out. You’re a charming bastard. Be yourself. They’ll love you.
Blake (4:40pm): Alright. Thanks.
Blake did as he was told, letting the water drip down his face for a moment as he attempted to gather the strength to go back out to the living room. The mood had shifted, and Blake suspected Mr. Dennison had gotten a talking-to from his wife.
“So, have your parents met Jay?” Mrs. Dennison asked when Blake sat down beside Jay on the couch.
“Um, my dad has. He lives in Lexington, but my mom hasn’t come up to the city in a few months. She’s in Unionville.”
“That’s not far. You guys haven’t gone out there?” she asked with a click of her tongue. “Does she know you’re gay? About Jay?”
“She definitely knows about Jay,” Blake said, choosing not to correct her assumption about his sexuality. “I kind of avoid going to Unionville.”
“For any particular reason?” Mr. Dennison asked skeptically. He probably thought Blake had warrants out for him in the county.
“Don’t pry,” Mrs. Dennison chided.
“It’s nothing specific,” Blake said. “It’s just...I like having my mom in Lexington more. We try new restaurants and stuff.”
“That’s nice!” she exclaimed. “I’d love to come to Lexington and eat at good restaurants.”
“You’re welcome any time, Mom. I told you that,” Jay said, wrapping his arm around his mother’s shoulder.
“Well, for now we’ll all have to settle for my cooking,” Mrs. Dennison grinned. “Are y’all hungry?”
“Absolutely,” Blake nodded, even though his stomach was busy churning with nerves.
“I could eat,” Jay agreed.
“Jane fixed pot roast and her world-famous macaroni and cheese. Did Jay tell you about it, Blake?” Mr. Dennison asked.
“In fact, he did. He brings it up every time we make the boxed stuff. I’m excited to try it.
“Is that right?” Mrs. Dennison beamed. “I made enough to send you guys back with some leftovers to stock your freezer.”
“Awesome,” Jay said with a smile.
Blake could see the levity in his boyfriend’s face, and as they all settled into an easy conversation over dinner, Blake smiled, too.
30
The day had started off like any other. Jay went to school while Blake slept. They played video games all afternoon, and then ate dinner before Blake got ready for work. The night, however, was different. It was unseasonably cold for late-March with huge grey clouds hanging heavy in the indigo sky, their bellies full of precipitation that, oddly enough, may have been snow. Jay was cold, too, more quiet than usual as he drove Blake to work. Figuring his boyfriend had a lot on his mind in regards to school, Blake remained silent, staring out the window at the pedestrians walking the sidewalks of Main Street. Instinctively, he placed his hand on Jay’s leg, the lack of conversation causing him to feel disconnected. Though Blake had savored moments to himself in the past, the more time he spent with Jay, the less he wanted solitude. Sitting in the car beside his boyfriend, Blake felt an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, an emotion he had a difficult time inserting the impetus for. It was as if his mind understood what his heart didn’t want to believe.
The way Jay shifted the car into park felt final, like it was the last time he’d ever pull into a space outside the Tulip Tree Tavern and watch Blake walk into the restaurant. The air had shifted, the inevitable still unspoken between them. Blake wanted to keep it that way. He wanted to get out of the car and avoid the conversation he feared. He wanted to be wrong, but he wasn’t.
“We can’t do this anymore,” Jay whispered. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” Blake asked. “Be in a healthy loving relationship with a guy who’s crazy about you? You can’t do that anymore?”
Jay sighed and dropped his face into his hands. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Please try, because I don’t get it. I thought things were going really great. I’m paying your dad back as fast as I can.”
“It’s not that,” Jay said, quickly. “Not at all. You’re pulling me away from my studies.”
“How am I doing that?” Blake asked defensively. “I always tell you to go to class.”
“The only real time we can spend together is in the afternoon when I should be studying. It makes me not want to go to class and stay in with you. You’re distracting me from my goals.”
There wasn’t much to say to that besides “fuck,” so that’s exactly what Blake muttered. He’d had a hard-enough time trying to achieve his goals, he didn’t want to hold Jay back from doing what he’d set out to do. It didn’t hurt any less, though. He wanted Jay to succeed but he imagined he would be by his side when he did. Once they’d gotten past the fender bender and Jay’s coming out, Blake thought the challenging stuff would be behind them, but evidently he was wrong. “I guess I’ll go,” he said slowly, hoping Jay would tell him not to. When he didn’t, Blake got out of the car, not looking back when he heard Jay drive away.
One of the qualities Blake found the most attractive in Jay was his determination, so he had to acknowledge the college student’s consistency, despite how badly it sucked to be sacrificed for his ambition. He didn’t want to stand in his way, but he didn’t think he had. If he hadn’t known Jay better, Blake would have suspected that he met someone else, but he knew that wasn’t the case. It felt worse. As if none of what meant something to Blake had been anything to Jay. There was no one to entice him away, he’d left on his own. Jay had wanted what was best for himself and it wasn’t Blake. That type of rejection was difficult to cope with.
Walking into the Tulip Tree Tavern, Blake was numb. It looked to be business as usual in the restaurant, but things seemed to be moving slower than they typically did, at least through Blake’s eyes. He needed to get behind the counter and immerse himself in the hustle and bustle of milkshake-making. Once the orders started rolling in, he wouldn’t be able to think of anything but his aching wrist and the ice cream he had to scoop next.
“Do you feel okay?” Oliver asked, placing his hand on Blake’s back as he leaned over the freezer. “I noticed you looked a little pale when you got here, out of it or something.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Blake answered, standing up to acknowledge his boss. “Remember how we talked about me picking up more shifts?”
“Yup.”
“I’d like even more if it’s possible.” He wanted to pay off Mr. Dennison as expeditiously as he could.
“You’re not going to have much of a social life if that’s the case. I’m all about hard work, but it’s important to have a balance.”
“I’ll be alright.”
“Then I’ll have you come in every night next week,” Oliver decided.
“And if any days become available?”
“Then I’ll keep you in mind.”
Blake nodded, figuring he may as well distract himself with work. After all, it was more productive than drinking, which is precisely what he was compelled to do. He needed to keep it together, to stay on track. He’d had setbacks and heartbreaks before. He wasn’t going to throw away all of his progress in dealing negatively with another one. Shit happened. Bad shit happened, but he wasn’t going to let his life go to shit because of it, not anymore. He’d come too far, and he had further yet to go.
The trek home was awful, not only because his body was tired, but because Jay hadn't been waiting in the lot for him after work as he had each night after their first. Blake couldn’t help b
ut wonder why it was important to Jay to help him out when he hardly knew him, but easy for him not to show once he truly did. It was a mindfuck, just like everything that had happened earlier that evening.
Half of him hoped he’d see Jay’s car, that his ex-boyfriend would realize he’d made a mistake and follow his route to pick him up, but Jay seemed to think his only mistake was being with Blake in the first place. He should’ve known it wouldn’t work out between them. Jay was everything Blake thought he would be until his sophomore year of high school. He was a college guy who focused on his studies and hung out with his friends in his nice apartment. It was unreasonable for Blake to believe he could have been a part of the life that got away. For months he’d fooled himself into thinking he could have what he’d long since given up. Maybe it was time he resigned himself to the fact again, he remembered where he stood thanks to how far he’d fallen in the past.
It had been a while since he went back home after work, but there was something comforting about Dave’s presence in the kitchen when he entered the house. Like him, Dave worked third shift at a restaurant, and it was nice to not feel like he was the only person awake in the world.
“Peanut butter and jelly?” the older man offered, holding his plate out so Blake could take half of the sandwich.
“Thanks,” he said as he took a bite. “How was work?”
“It was work,” Dave grinned, sipping his water. “I’m assuming it was work for you as well.”
“It was, in fact, work,” Blake confirmed.
“I know technically you live here, but it’s been a while since you’ve been here.”
“Mm-hmm.”
Dave raised his eyebrows. “Are you and Jay fighting?”
It was rare for them to have conversations about anything beyond sports, but Blake’s mere presence was an admission that there was a problem.
“He broke up with me.”
“Wow,” Dave grimaced as if the news had physically struck him. “Were you expecting it, or did it take you by surprise?”
“I think I’m still in shock.”
“What did he say? Did he give you any indication of what it was that went wrong?”
“He said I was a distraction or something. I don’t know. I tell him to go to class, and he usually does, but I wasn’t about to kick him out of his own place while he’s sucking my dick,” Blake laughed wryly. “If I’d known it would cause this to happen I would have.”
“That would take some major self-control.”
“Yeah, well, I can have some of that when I need to.” He’d kicked an Adderall habit, he was sure he could have kicked the elicit-class-skipping blowjobs if he had to. “I guess what’s done is done.”
“You don’t think he’ll come around after the semester is over?”
Blake hadn’t considered the chance. “Do you think he will?”
“I don’t know him well, but if that was really the issue I don’t see why he wouldn’t want to rekindle things.”
“Hmm.”
“Would you go back with him if that happened?”
“It’s a pretty shitty feeling to be dropped, but I’ve started things up with people who’d dumped me before. Who knows? I mean, I love him.”
“Love’s a strong word.”
“It’s an even stronger feeling,” Blake noted, popping the last bite into his mouth. “Thanks for the sandwich,” he murmured. “I’m going to go to bed.”
“Don’t waste time getting back into the game. You know what they say, ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.’”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Blake said.
Hooking up with a random person was the last thing he wanted to do. The first thing was rewind time.
31
Two weeks had softened Blake’s hard stance not to get on Rise and Grind for a hookup. There had been no communication between him and Jay, and as much as he wished things could have been different, they weren’t. The more he thought about the breakup, the less he understood Jay’s motives. If it was really about his schoolwork, Jay could have easily said that they needed to spend less time together, and Blake would have gone along with it. Ending something amazing was too extreme to comprehend, yet it had happened, so there was no use dwelling on it any more than he already had. As much as he hoped Jay would come around, was as much as he doubted he would. Jay had a plethora of positive qualities, but as far as Blake was concerned, his stubbornness wasn’t one of them. While they hadn’t butted heads often, their shared propensity to hold their ground made for some lively discussions. It was unlikely Jay would go back on a decision he’d made, even if it was as complicated as a matter of the heart.
Blake decided that devoting himself to celibacy while waiting for Jay to come around would be a level of self-flagellation worse than his crime of being “too tempting.” He’d move on and tempt someone who wanted to be tempted by him, and he wouldn’t feel like he was complicating their lives when they made the decision to be with him. Though he wasn’t looking for anything serious, he wanted to feel like he was adding something to someone’s life, not fucking it up. Blake knew he was sensitive about subjects surrounding “the future,” but he was tired of apologizing for the scars of his past.
Within moments of reactivating his Rise and Grind account, Blake had a message from a guy named Tom, who had the typical profile of his bare torso. He was in nice shape, but the picture didn’t draw him in the way Jay’s headshot had. Chiding himself for the comparison, Blake replied to the generic “hey.”
Blake: Hey. How’s it going?
Tom: Good. You?
Blake: Well.
Tom: What are you up to?
Blake: About to head to work.
Tom: This late?
Blake: Yeah I work nights at a diner.
Tom: Brutal
Blake: It’s not too bad.
Tom: I’m hitting up State with some friends. You should meet up when you’re done.
Blake: The bars will be closed.
Tom: According to the age on your profile you couldn’t get in anyway!
Blake: I have my ways.
Tom: Oh yeah?
Tom: What time are you off?
Blake: Three
Tom: We’ll still be going. Hit me up if you want to come over. I live on Columbia a half a mile north of Rose. We have a handle of strawberry vodka to get through. We could use an extra mouth.
Blake: An extra mouth, huh? Alright.
Tom: 7243 Columbia Ave
Blake knew going to some dude’s place to start drinking at nearly four in the morning wasn’t a great idea, but he’d been so uptight about the breakup, he needed an out-of-the-ordinary experience to loosen him up. Even if he ended up not liking Tom, he would like the free alcohol and the short walk to get it.
The townhouse was in a state of disrepair that Blake expected when college kids were the tenants, which only reminded him of Jay’s apartment and how it wasn’t like that. How Jay was different. Pushing his glasses up to press the heels of his hands against his eyes, he willed himself to mentally move on, at least for the night. When Tom answered the door, Blake was glad to see he was cute. He had a couple of inches on Blake and a lithe body that looked good in his well-fitted long sleeve shirt. There was no doubt Tom could lead Blake on a journey out of his head and into his bed.
“Damn,” Tom grinned, obviously inebriated thanks to his evening activities. “You’re fucking hot as hell.”
Blake licked the smile off his lips and ran his hands through his hair. “You’re pretty hot, too.”
“Come in,” Tom prompted, guiding Blake into the house.
The interior was nicer than the exterior, with an attempt at decorating apparent. Though the hot pink and zebra threw him off a bit, Blake could appreciate the creativity.
“I live with girls,” Tom explained, as if he’d read Blake’s expression and deduced he was confused by the explosion of tackiness.
“I see that,” Blake sa
id, noticing the sexy brunette sitting among the mountain of throw pillows on one of the couches.
“Annie,” she said, glancing up from her phone for long enough to realize she wanted to put it down on the coffee table and pay attention to Blake. “And you are?”
“Blake,” he replied.
“Our new drinking buddy that I met on Rise and Grind.” Tom enunciated the name of the app as an explicit cue for Annie to stand down.
“Ah,” she nodded. “Too bad.”
“I’m bi,” Blake added, garnering a glare from Tom. “Just saying.”
“Got it,” Annie smirked, giving Tom the finger. “Let’s get to it then.” She twisted the top off the store-brand vodka bottle and over-poured three shots.
“She has a healthy hand,” Tom joked, holding up his glass. “To new friends.”
“To new friends.”
The cheers were the first of many, each proclamation becoming messier as the contents of the handle dwindled. By the time it was empty, Blake was more loaded than he’d ever been, and though the sweetness of the flavored liquor and lemonade had him queasy, he managed to find himself in a major make-out session with an obliterated Tom. It was sloppy but hot, and even though Blake couldn’t recall falling asleep, he definitely remembered waking up.
“You won’t believe how much money we just made!” a female shrieked. The volume of her voice drilled into Blake’s eardrums and down through his teeth. He was pissed by the jarring wakeup call until he opened his eyes to find Annie and two other gorgeous girls standing topless at the foot of Tom’s bed. Evidently the best way to get over an impending hangover was to be woken up by three sets of nice tits. Blake reached for his glasses to enhance the view.
“How much did you make?” Tom asked, yawning as he propped himself up on his elbows.
“Three thousand,” Annie smiled. “Not bad for two hours.”
“Holy shit,” Blake gasped. “What do you guys do? Are you strippers or something?” He hummed, wishing he’d bit his tongue before making the assumption.
“No. We’re cam girls,” the third woman corrected. “We take off our clothes on camera and people send us money.”
His Own Way Out Page 17
