The Onion
Page 10
Though Crandall, 26, a University of Tennessee law student, rarely articulates his feelings about the state of the couple’s three-year relationship, Gentry said his occasional remarks “speak volumes.”
“A couple weeks ago, right after sex, Wilson got really odd and quiet, like he wanted to say something but couldn’t get it out,” Gentry said. “Finally, he told me, ‘I think you’re a great girl, and I just want you always to be happy.’ Isn’t that so sweet?”
The post-coital exchange went no further, Gentry said, with Crandall telling her only that he needed to talk to her about their future at some point. Two weeks later, the talk has yet to occur.
“He’s studying for the bar, but when he’s done, he wants to sit down with me,” Gentry said. “He says he has something important to say and that I should brace myself. Isn’t it obvious? He’s finishing law school this May and thinking about settling down. Goin’ to the cha-pel …”
“ ‘Whenever we talk about Chicago, he goes on and on about how I’d hate the cold weather and the fast pace. He’s such a doll to be concerned about my feelings, but doesn’t he know I’d follow him anywhere?’ ”
Gentry said she hopes Crandall will take her someplace romantic to propose.
“Wilson recently said something about getting away and going somewhere for a week in March,” Gentry said. “A few days later, I caught him looking for plane tickets on the Internet. It’s weird that he was pricing tickets for around the time of the NCAA Final Four tournament, since I wouldn’t think he’d want to miss that. But, obviously, making a commitment to a life partner is so much more important.”
Recently, Crandall has been asking Gentry about her career goals, a line of questioning she misread as a sign that he is mapping out their life together.
“He never asked me about social work before, but he’s really been encouraging me to invest more of myself into my job,” Gentry said. “He thinks fulfillment at work should be a bigger component of my life. Don’t worry, Wilson, I have no plans to give up my career to have babies. Yet.”
Gentry said Crandall even let slip that he was thinking about moving away from Knoxville after graduating.
“Wilson’s been dropping little hints that he might try to get a job back in Chicago, where his parents and sister are,” Gentry said. “He’s definitely the type of guy who’d want to be close to his family if he was thinking about the long term.”
Crandall has not explicitly invited Gentry to accompany him in the event of a move—an omission Gentry attributes to his fears that she may not want to go.
“Whenever we talk about Chicago, he goes on and on about how I’d hate the cold weather and the fast pace,” Gentry said. “He’s such a doll to be concerned about my feelings, but doesn’t he know I’d follow him anywhere?”
Gentry has also misinterpreted Crandall’s recent frugality as an effort to save up money for the future.
“It’s so cute how he’s trying to cut back on expenses,” Gentry said. “We never go out to dinner anymore, or the movies, or even the bars. He must be working on one doozy of a rock.”
“Wilson’s birthday is coming up soon, March 4,” Gentry continued. “Maybe he’s planning to pop the question then. I can just see him getting down on one knee and saying that I’m what he wants most for his birthday.”
Added Gentry: “God, the next few weeks are going to be unforgettable.”
NEWS IN BRIEF
Ex-Girlfriend’s Last Electric Check Remains Uncashed In Area Man’s Wallet
BALTIMORE—Ten weeks after girlfriend Jessica Schroeder broke up with him and moved out, Richard Bluff, 24, continues to carry the check for her half of their final Baltimore Gas & Electric bill in his wallet. “Jess gave it to me the day she left, and I just couldn’t bear to part with it,” Bluff said Monday of the check for $75.92. “I know it shouldn’t have any sentimental meaning, but, well …” Bluff has also not been able to bring himself to remove Schroeder’s Lady Bic disposable razor from his shower.
NEWS IN PHOTOS
Badass Engagement Ring Also Tells Time And Temperature
NEWS
Break-Up Made Easier With Colorful Visual Aids
HUNTINGTON, WV—Stephanie Duquette’s break-up with boyfriend Chris Straub was made easier Sunday with an array of colorful charts, graphs, and other visual aids from Copy Express, a Huntington-area copy shop.
Duquette makes a point to her boyfriend using a chart made at Copy Express.
“When Stephanie came in looking for a way to make her dumping of Chris more effective and memorable, I was more than happy to help,” said Copy Express assistant manager Debbie Saldana. “Using our state-of-the-art laser printers, film scanners, Canon CLC 1120 color copiers, and top-notch computer software, Stephanie was able to provide Chris with a clear, eye-catching presentation of his failings as a boyfriend.”
Duquette, 20, broke up with Straub, her boyfriend of two years, late Sunday evening, using the visual aids to concisely communicate to him just how unhappy she had been during the last six months of their relationship.
“I needed to express my desire to see other people, but I didn’t want it to turn into some huge argument about whose fault it was and whether my actions where fair,” Duquette said. “I knew Chris was going to have a lot of questions, and that’s when I got out this professionally bound report with the peek-through title ‘10 Reasons Why I Want Out.’ ”
Duquette also praised Copy Express for its ability to produce the needed visual aids on a deadline.
“Chris and I had agreed we would have the big ‘Where is this relationship going?’ talk Sunday night after he got back from his guys-only camping weekend,” Duquette said. “By Saturday, I was at my wits’ end. I knew I had only one day to come up with something that would really make a big impression, but I had no idea what.”
“ ‘Using our state-of-the-art laser printers, film scanners, and top-notch computer software, Stephanie was able to provide Chris with a clear, eye-catching presentation of his failings as a boyfriend.’ ”
Originally, Duquette had gone to Copy Express to make photocopies of her farewell letter to Straub, which she intended to distribute to the couple’s friends so they would understand her side of the story. Upon seeing Duquette attempt to feed the messy, seven-page handwritten letter into the copier’s auto-feed slot, however, Saldana intervened.
“I asked Stephanie if that letter wouldn’t be more effective if it were organized with bullet points and had a catchy color banner across the top,” Saldana said. “Stephanie was excited by the suggestion, so I told her about a whole range of possibilities, from a laminated graph illustrating Chris’ declining spending on birthday and anniversary gifts to a spiral-bound, quick-reference booklet of his shortcomings as a lover printed on heavy-stock ivory paper.”
“ ‘These multi-colored lines represent the appeal of some of the other guys in my class. As you can see, the green line representing Steve is a full two inches higher than the blue one representing you.’ ”
Duquette’s major complaints about Straub—including his failure to spend enough time with her, his frequent unemployment, and his steadily increasing weight—were presented to him on attractive, photo-quality color 24”x36” posters printed on Copy Express’ brand-new 600DPI HP DesignJet printer.
One of Duquette’s many sharp-looking presentation materials.
“I said, ‘See this line graph, Chris?’ ” Duquette recalled. “ ‘It clearly shows how my interest in you plummeted after I began taking night classes to learn French. These multi-colored lines represent the appeal of some of the other guys in my class. As you can see, the green line representing Steve is a full two inches higher than the blue one representing you.’ ”
“Chris was definitely impressed by all the great visual aids,” Duquette said. “Throughout the entire presentation, he barely said a word.”
For all the help she provided, Saldana is modest about her contributions to the successful presentation.
“Most of the ideas were Stephanie’s,” Saldana said. “I just helped her maximize her results by finding the best way to present the data that she herself had been collecting in her private journal ever since she and Chris started having problems in March.”
Straub said he was “blown away” by the Copy Express materials.
“I never realized the great disparity between the frequency and sincerity of Stephanie’s expressions of love and those of my own until I saw it laid out in a vibrant, red-and-yellow pie chart,” Straub said. “And when I was presented with a glossy, spiral-bound packet detailing all the rude comments I have made about her best friend Paulette over the years, how could I disagree with Stephanie’s conclusion that she can do better than me? I was sold.”
NEWS IN PHOTOS
Bachelorette Party Saved By Actual Firemen
NEWS
Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked
GREENSBORO, NC—Although he has had a cordial relationship with officemate Karl Harrison for almost two years, Jeff Ashland reported Monday that he has no idea why he was asked to be the best man at Harrison’s wedding in June.
Jeff Ashland, the best-man-to-be.
“It’s an honor, I suppose,” Ashland said from his cubicle at Whitehead Consulting. “I just wish I knew why it fell to me. Karl went to college just down the road, and he’s lived in Greensboro for five years or so. He must have met at least a few other guys during all that time, right? But I’m the one he chooses to be his right-hand man on the biggest day of his life?”
Harrison asked Ashland to be his best man on March 12, the same day he publicly announced his engagement to his girlfriend of four years, Tracy Newman. Ashland said he had trouble feigning the joy expected of someone assuming such an honor.
“Karl came up to me with this big grin on his face, so I figured his business card was picked out of the fishbowl at the Gumbo Pot again,” Ashland said. “But he told me he’d proposed to his girlfriend the night before. As I was congratulating him, trying desperately to remember Tracy’s name, he dropped the bomb. He said it’d be ‘awesome’ if I’d be his best man. At first I thought he was making one of his non-funny jokes, but he was serious.”
Ashland said he felt he had no choice but to accept the invitation.
“What could I say?” Ashland asked. ‘Sorry, you’re just some guy I work with—go look up someone you knew at summer camp’? Seriously, doesn’t he know, say, anyone else in the entire world? Doesn’t he have a cousin somewhere?”
“ ‘What could I say? ‘Sorry, you’re just some guy I work with—go look up someone you knew at summer camp’? Seriously, doesn’t he know, say, anyone else in the entire world? Doesn’t he have a cousin somewhere?’ ”
Adding to Ashland’s misgivings about standing before a crowd in support of Harrison’s nuptials is the ever-increasing list of duties the groom has asked the best man to perform.
“Apparently, I’m sort of a ringmaster for the whole thing,” Ashland said, flipping through the Greensboro tuxedo-rental listings. “I knew I had to be the bridesmaid’s date, but now Karl says I’m also in charge of the ushers and shuttling the damn presents around. I really don’t need this hassle on top of the wedding-dinner speech.”
“ ‘Karl’s always talking about how nice it is to have someone as cool as Jeff at the office. God only knows what they’re up to all day, but boys will be boys. It’s great that Karl and Jeff got so close in so short a time, especially since Karl doesn’t make friends easily.’ ”
“My only hope is that the kind of guy who asks a coworker he barely knows to be his best man won’t have very high standards,” Ashland added.
Ashland said he has been forced to research the speech.
“I’ve been plying Karl with questions about his courtship, his childhood, and his parents’ reaction to the engagement, just to get anything that will give me an inkling of what to say,” Ashland said. “And Tracy—who, as best frickin’ man, I’ve finally had the pleasure of meeting—is no help. How can I ask her personal questions about Karl without tipping her off to the fact that I have no idea who he is?”
In spite of Ashland’s concern, the bride-to-be has expressed no misgivings about her future husband’s best man.
“Karl’s always talking about how nice it is to have someone as cool as Jeff at the office,” Newman said. “God only knows what they’re up to all day, but boys will be boys. It’s great that Karl and Jeff got so close in so short a time, especially since Karl doesn’t make friends easily.”
Harrison had little to say on the subject of his selection criteria for best man.
“It’s so nice that Jeff’s doing this,” Harrison told acquaintances at an after-work get-together, which Ashland, citing a need to shop for black shoes, did not attend. “We’re gonna have such a blast at my wedding. And I can’t wait to see what he’s got planned for the bachelor party. I have no idea what’s going to go down, but if I know Jeff like I think I know Jeff, it’ll be booze and strippers all the way.”
NEWS IN BRIEF
Groom Getting Cold Feet About Bachelor Party
WESTPORT, MA—Husband-to-be Matthew Reese experienced “second thoughts” Friday, just moments before attending the bachelor party his friends had been planning for months was set to begin. “How do I know I’ve picked the right stripper?” said Reese, as he mentally prepared himself to take long walk down the aisle of tables in the Scores VIP lounge. “I’ve been imagining this moment since I was 12, but now I’m worried the lap dances won’t live up to my expectations. What if I’m just not ready for this level of irresponsibility?” Reese went on to say he regretted committing to a single topless bar for the rest of his night, but felt that it was too late to change his mind.
NEWS
Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride
NEW ROCHELLE, NY—The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one but the bride.
The bride poses with some of the sufferers.
“Today is such a beautiful day,” said attendee Chris Barker, a second cousin of the groom, as he watched the newlyweds dance. “I can’t believe I’m stuck spending it at this stupid thing when I could be out playing golf.”
Barker, who drove four hours from Philadelphia to attend the event, was then dragged off for a table photo with the 14 complete strangers with whom he was seated.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve set my all-time single-day record for awkward conversations,” continued Barker, forcing a smile as a photographer snapped the table picture. “Not that I could hear anything anybody said to me, what with that godawful wedding band blaring ‘Old Time Rock ‘N’ Roll’ and ‘Love Shack’ the whole time.”
Like 249 of the 250 in attendance, members of the bridal party expressed a lack of enthusiasm for the $200,000 affair.
“To be honest, I never really liked Mindy all that much,” said bridesmaid Ellen Lessing, 24, a college sorority sister of the bride. “I always thought she was kind of a stuck-up bitch. But when she asked me to be in her bridal party—I guess because I’d been her sorority sponsor back in college—I felt obligated to go. We’ve had almost no contact since graduation, yet I still flew halfway across the country just to be in the wedding of someone I hardly even know.”
Compounding Lessing’s misery was the “vomit-worthy” purple and teal dress that she and the other bridesmaids were forced to purchase and wear.
“This abomination cost me $675,” said Lessing, who has no plans ever to wear the dress again. “I’d be pissed even if it didn’t make me look like a walrus.”
Other friends had their own reasons for not having a good time. These ranged from jealousy over not being included in the wedding party to unspoken resentment over all the attention heaped on Mindy to the sad realization that Mindy would drift apart from her single friends now that she is married.
“Well, Mindy had a wonderful time, so I guess it was worth it, because
this is her special day,” said Dr. Carl Lingren, 54, father of the bride. “As for me, I’m still not sure why I blew almost $2,400 on place settings, but Mindy assured me that spending the extra money to have the seating cards foil-embossed would make the day ‘truly special.’ You’d think flying her three cousins and great aunt in from Sweden would’ve been enough to make it truly special, but apparently not.”
Dr. Lingren then retired to the bar, where he proceeded to drink heavily.
Not even groom James Gallagher enjoyed the reception.
“This is the best day of my life,” said Gallagher, reading from an index card in a robotic monotone. “All my life has led up to this magical moment, the day I am bound in eternal matrimony to my sweet Mindy forevermore.”
“ ‘Mindy assured me that spending the extra money to have the seating cards foil-embossed would make the day ‘truly special.’ You’d think flying her three cousins and great aunt in from Sweden would’ve been enough to make it truly special, but apparently not.’ ”
Sources close to the groom say the commitment-phobic Gallagher had been dreading the event since Mindy first brought up the idea of marriage more than a year and a half ago, confiding to close confidants that he was “just doing it to finally shut her up.”
Personal-relations expert and noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said Gallagher’s attitude is far from unusual.
“For men, trepidation about marriage is common,” Wasserbaum said. “And a total lack of interest in the details of a wedding reception is more common still, even among those who marry willingly. As for the small handful of grooms who actually enjoy their wedding receptions, I’d say most of them are latently gay.”
According to Ira Giraldi, editor of Wedding Style magazine, the dread felt by the average wedding guest is understandable.