Maybe my strength has become my weakness – addressing issues head-on, coming up with a viable solution and pulling together an action plan to solve the problem. That’s what Aiden is expecting of me now, as if this is some sort of work project. But this has become so much more; it’s no longer about simply getting through a rough patch, but being in a position to breathe some life back into our marriage.
Keep calm, Fern. What’s a year, if, when you return, your life together is firmly back on track because Aiden’s little crisis is over?
‘And the party we’re planning for the May Day bank holiday, which was supposed to be celebrating our good fortune and Hannah’s birthday, will also announce…’ I cast around for the right words, which fail me.
‘…That we’re both taking a little sabbatical. Lots of people take time out to—’
‘Widen their horizons,’ I jump in, cutting him off. This is a private matter and I want him to be clear that there’s no need to worry anyone unduly.
As far as I’m concerned, the sooner it starts, the sooner it will be over. I’m still in shock, but I need to look at this as an adventure. A holiday, from which we will both return and pick back up where we left off. But there’s a real chance that it will change us in ways we can’t even begin to imagine and Aiden doesn’t seem able, or willing, to grasp that fact.
It sounds defeatist on my part, it’s not meant to be. But I’m scared. I love my life as it is, and it’s always been enough for me. It used to be enough for Aiden, too, and I’m gutted that is no longer the case.
* * *
It’s bank holiday Monday and my youngest sister, Hannah, is back home with Mum and Dad for forty-eight hours, before heading off to meet her new boyfriend’s family. My parents are stressing over it, of course, as we can all sense this relationship is a little more serious than any she’s been in before.
Me? I’m happy to see her smiling and experiencing that first flush of love… which might turn out to be lust in disguise. But she’s a confident and discerning young woman. She certainly isn’t going to be a pushover just because a good-looking guy gives her some attention. That’s my little sister!
My brother, Owen, was hoping to make it home for the party, but he’s at the Infantry Battle School in Brecon right now, which is a part of his Combat Infantryman’s Course. It’s not exactly a picnic and that thought sort of puts our little problems into perspective. He’s learning how to become a soldier to fight for people’s freedom and here I am, angsting over a little hiccough that will probably disappear as quickly as it appeared.
Our home is heaving with people. Close family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Everyone we’ve invited to the party is here for a reason, because they touch our lives on a regular basis.
‘Time for an announcement!’ Georgia’s husband, Steve, tries unsuccessfully to tap a fork against a glass to gain people’s attention. Unfortunately, he hits it too hard and a generous shower of red wine splatters over his white T-shirt as the broken shards fall to the floor. All that remains in his hand is the stem and the base of the glass.
Georgia gives him a look of total disbelief, before grabbing a roll of kitchen towel. The clean-up commences while Steve continues.
‘Momentous occasion alert, folks! I’m not exactly sure what’s coming, so I’m going to hand you over to Aiden without further ado.’
Georgia is on her hands and knees, glaring up at Steve.
‘She worships me, really,’ he comments, and everyone bursts out laughing.
I wish I could laugh, but my eyes are on my lovely husband, who steps forward rather nervously. He turns to look at me and I saunter up to him as he reaches out for my hand. It’s ironic that as soon as we sorted out what the next step was going to be, things have been almost back to normal between us. I give his hand a reassuring squeeze to spur him on.
‘Well, the only person missing today to hear our announcement is Fern’s brother, Owen, but he’s here in spirit, even if the reality is that he’s probably trekking up a mountainside on some sort of endurance course.’ A little ripple of laughter does the rounds. ‘But to have you all gathered here together today means so much to us both. This party isn’t about celebrating our recent lottery win, but the importance we place upon the people who matter the most to us – family and friends.
‘We’d like to kick off by asking you all to raise your glasses.’ He turns to smile at me, lifting my hand to his mouth and kissing the back of it. ‘Over to you for the toast, my darling.’
The look we exchange is one of determination as I gaze back at him. Having made the decision, the change in Aiden is unbelievable.
‘It’s been a wonderful journey so far and we feel blessed to have such an amazing and supportive bunch of people around us. Here’s to you all and a special toast to my baby sister, Hannah, who will be nineteen next week. Happy birthday, sis!’
The response is a loud chorus of ‘hear, hear’ and gentle clinking of glasses after Steve’s little disaster.
‘We’re both very aware that it isn’t money and having things that make people happy. Although the lack of it is a problem when you are trying to convince a bank to loan you an extortionate amount of money; we found that out at the start of the long road to buying this place. But with the help of some loving parents,’ I tip my glass in the appropriate directions, ‘we eventually signed on the dotted line.’ I hesitate for a second, then pull myself together determinedly. I agreed to this and now it’s too late to back out. ‘Being able to pay back what we borrowed, be mortgage-free and have a little nest egg is the dream and we realise just how lucky we are. Sharing is caring, of course, so our three favourite charities will each receive a nice little donation and that means a lot to us both.’
A loud, endorsing ‘ah’ carries around the room.
‘Obviously, Aiden has worked tirelessly for the Merchant Outreach foundation, which offers financial support to families with autistic siblings. It’s never been just a job to him and he’s devoted a lot of his own time to it; weekends and annual leave when he could have been kicking back, he has been tirelessly fundraising. So, we know what a difference this little windfall will make. The two other charities who will benefit are research into childhood cancers and Alzheimer’s. The latter is in memory of Aiden’s gran, Daisy.’
As I finish speaking, everyone begins clapping and it’s wonderful to know that the general consensus is one of approval.
Aiden holds up his hands, quietening our little crowd of happy partygoers.
‘And there’s some other exciting news we’d like to share with you all.’ He turns to me and I nod, encouraging him to continue – albeit I’m struggling to look enthusiastic. ‘This win has allowed us a little self-indulgence. We were in our teens when we met and getting married fresh from university, we jumped straight into work. It’s been virtually non-stop and there hasn’t been much chance to sit back and relax. So, the other news is that we’re both taking a year off. We’re having a gap year, a chance for each of us to tick off a couple of items on that list we all tend to have in here,’ he taps his head, ‘things we’d like to do someday. Not exactly a bucket list – more a “before we have kids and get caught up in that” thing.’
There isn’t a sound in the room as he continues.
‘And we’re both excited about the experiences to come. I intend to travel and Fern, well, it’s time to take a break from being at everyone’s beck and call.’ He turns to smile at me with adoration in his eyes and something at my core wilts a little. Aiden is doing a great job of making this sound as if I’m really on board with his idea. Inside, however, I feel I’ve been backed into a corner and his enthusiasm is beginning to grate on me.
There’s a moment of hesitation before Georgia leads by raising her glass and everyone else follows suit. After a raucous chorus of general congratulations, Aiden again raises his hand to quieten everyone down. Maybe the spirits have been flowing a little too liberally tonight.
‘Right – that�
�s it, folks. Speeches over and the buffet awaits. Enjoy!’
As people head in the direction of the food, Aiden steers me outside into the garden. We disappear into the shadows as dusk falls around us and this evening is beginning to feel like a dream, one bordering on a nightmare if I’m being honest. Reality is setting in and it sends a cold shiver down my spine.
Over the last couple of weeks as Aiden and I began making plans, we reached a point where it was time to break the news to close family members. Telling our respective parents wasn’t easy and I figured that as this was all Aiden’s idea, he should do the explaining. There were a few raised eyebrows, but Aiden made it sound so plausible, even I started to relax about it a little.
It was easier to tell Hannah and Owen at the same time, so when she popped in one evening we’d gathered around the monitor and Skyped Owen. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel left out and his reaction had shown a momentary hint of surprise, but it was fleeting.
‘Hmm… bold decision. Anything we should be worried about, guys?’ he’d enquired, calmly. His words were accompanied by that wicked little grin of his, the one he can’t hide whenever he’s nervous.
‘No, of course not. I’m heading off to Provence, on a little road trip. I’ll be spending time in a quaint little holiday village run by a very talented group of artisans. They hold courses in a wide variety of traditional skills. Everything from weaving to engraving, and the man in charge of it all is a renowned artist. I’ll be generally helping out as a volunteer working a full day on Monday and then four mornings, so I’ll have lots of free time. Aiden wants to travel further afield.’
The truth of it was that I knew Aiden needed to get this travelling thing out of his system. Maybe he wanted to experience a sense of freedom as an adult that he felt he’d missed out on. But how could I possibly stay home, trying to go about life as normal while anxiously awaiting his updates? Heck, a lottery win is supposed to take worry away, not increase it. So, I decided to chase an elusive dream of my own, to keep me busy and stop me fretting over our time apart.
Hannah had raised an eyebrow almost dismissively.
‘You’re going your separate ways? For a whole year?’ She’d stared at me, horrified, and then her eyes had darted across to assess Aiden’s reaction. She had no idea, of course, that this was his idea and not mine. ‘Free time to do what, exactly?’ she’d levelled at me, a tad caustically I felt. How did I get to be the baddie in this? I wondered. Mainly because, in her eyes, Aiden can do no wrong, which has been great up to now, but this wasn’t my decision, or my fault. I just couldn’t say that as Aiden had enough to contend with, so it was about damage limitation.
‘Well, mostly to learn how to draw and paint… but whatever takes my fancy.’
‘Fern, you don’t have hobbies. You’re not that sort of person.’
Naturally, Aiden had jumped in to rescue me at that point. I think he was feeling guilty as everyone else had avoided saying the things that only Hannah was brave enough to voice.
‘Fern has spent our entire married life either studying, working or supporting me on the charity side of things. She’s always been there for everyone, you both know that. She’s never really taken any time for herself.’
It was a cop-out and I’d puzzled over why Aiden hadn’t simply told them the truth, that this wasn’t about me at all. I was simply falling into line with his plan, in the hope that he’d come back refreshed and ready to move forward together. But the idea of a once-in-a-lifetime break away was growing on me, too. I was beginning to get a little excited about attending classes taught by artist Nico Gallegos.
‘I’m just a bit surprised you couldn’t find something you both enjoy doing,’ she’d declared. ‘You guys do everything as a couple.’ It was a statement we couldn’t refute.
Before I could even think of a response, Aiden took over again.
‘Can you see your sister living out of a rucksack? I’ll be backpacking and working down that list of places I never thought I’d get to explore. I’m hoping to do a stint of voluntary work to begin with and that, too, won’t be luxury accommodation. It’s a big old world out there. Change presents opportunity, and this is a one-off chance of a lifetime.’
I noticed that he hadn’t mentioned my fear of flying. Or the fact that I could never step foot on a boat. Something over which I have no control and he’s had to learn to live with. We’ve always had driving holidays and Aiden accepted the limitations because he loved me.
Owen had nodded then. ‘Well, good luck to you both, guys, and I hope you come back the better for it.’
We knew Owen would understand, being a man of action and few words. But Hannah, well, she wasn’t convinced.
‘But… but… this is weird. Married people don’t take a year off from each other.’ She was upset and maybe even a little scandalised.
Inwardly I’d groaned, but thankfully my lips had stayed sealed until something suitable had popped into my head.
‘We aren’t. We’ll be in constant touch with each other. The whole point of this is that we get to share in what the other person is doing, without having to physically be there. A half-hour trip through the tunnel and then it’s the open road for me. But Aiden’s dream has always been to travel to far-flung places and he deserves to have his trip of a lifetime. I’ll also get to see what he’s doing and learn about his experiences, but everyone knows…’ I’d ground to a halt at that point, unable to find the right words. ‘Anyway, I’m looking forward to picking up a paintbrush in earnest.’ I’d tried so hard to make it sound convincing, but the person I’d really been trying to convince was me.
‘And I’ll be getting myself into shape with more exercise than I’d get in a month at the gym,’ Aiden had endorsed, his smile and genuine enthusiasm had been abundantly clear.
Hannah had simply shrugged her shoulders, clearly not at all convinced. ‘Well, just make sure you keep us all in the loop. You guys are Mr and Mrs Predictable, and to have everyone worrying about you two while you’re on your mad adventures is kind of crazy. As the youngest family member, I think I’m the one who’s supposed to be causing the angst,’ she’d added with a half-hearted smile.
Aiden and I had both started laughing at that point.
‘It won’t be out of sight, out of mind. We’ll keep everyone in the loop, no matter what else we’re doing. But I think you can spare us for a year as there are enough people around to keep you on the straight and narrow. Besides, your sister is only a phone call away,’ Aiden had replied with mock seriousness.
In the seconds before the Skype session disconnected, a fleeting moment of vulnerability had flooded through me. Was I scared of facing the world alone? I’d thrown off that thought, too worried to consider where it might lead, and had immediately switched into practical mode.
‘God speed. And can everyone please take good care of themselves until we’re all together again? And for goodness’ sake, check in with Mum and Dad so they don’t spend every waking hour worrying about every single one of us.’ My plea had been heartfelt. There was a moment of silence before we’d been disconnected and I filled it with: ‘We love you. Please take care of yourself, Owen.’
Sometimes the next step is as scary as it is exciting, and no one – including me – had thought that Aiden and I would be going in this direction. Dreams are only dreams, unless you choose to turn them into reality. I could only hope that the decisions Aiden and I had made together would turn out to be the right ones.
July 2018
Bois-Saint-Vernon, Provence
4
Settling In
The leisurely, two-day journey was strangely calming after making some very emotional goodbyes – understandable, given the circumstances – but distance is nothing these days. Loved ones are merely a call away. Or that’s what everyone had said whilst studiously avoiding eye contact.
The reality of that scenario, though, is something I will have to learn to come to terms with, because I fear I
will get homesick. What if something bad happens and you never get to look into those eyes up close ever again? It’s unbearable. It’s torture. And the only way to cope with that is to plaster on a smile so no one knows your heart is breaking.
On my first call to Hannah, en route, she managed to put on a brave face because her boyfriend, Liam, was with her. But I could tell that she didn’t really want to talk to me and was simply going through the motions. Perhaps she was still cross with me, or maybe she was simply having a bad day.
Liam reminds me of a young Aiden in some ways. But he’s less impetuous than the boyish Aiden was, before responsibility began weighing him down.
It did make me stop and think about how much Aiden has changed since we first met. We went from the excitement of getting married and living together to the harsh realities of having bills to pay and a house to do up. Was it a mistake focusing on the goals we’d set ourselves and that’s what ground him down? Did it suck the joy out of life, feeling a constant pressure as our body clocks ticked away… baby time, baby time?
The upside to the conversation was that if I’d had any concerns about Liam recklessly breaking Hannah’s heart, they quickly dissolved. Liam realises how dependent my sister is on me and he’s trying his best to fill the gap, which is touching. There are no guarantees, of course, but they seem committed to each other for the time being. I also think he’s a little wary around me, as he senses that anyone who hurts my little sister will have to face my wrath.
The truth is that I really didn’t want to leave, but if I stayed, life without Aiden by my side would have been unbearable. Almost as if we had split up. So, I had to pull up my big-girl pants and give myself a talking-to. I can either be miserable and this can be a year of hell, or I can use it to grow. I decided I’d make it about meeting new people and learning new skills. I would return a better person, my life enriched and with a much wider appreciation of the world outside the tiny confines of my personal little bubble.
Summer in Provence Page 3
