Abruptly, my knees hit the floor, and a pressure exploded in my throat. I pressed my hands over my face and dug my fingers into my hair. They were just kids, two nice kids.
Just like Brody.
Chapter Sixteen
Xander
I was falling into the past, disjointed images bursting behind my eyes.
The cheerful grin of an eleven-year-old popping up from behind a tree and asking me what I was reading. The nervous tic in his jaw at nineteen, asking my parents’ permission to take Lorel out, while I buried my face in a pillow and laughed. The unashamed, confident way he pressed a kiss to an envelope to be sent home to her. The steady look in his eyes as we carried out a dangerous desert op.
Followed by a raining, storming night, with flashes of lightning in the sky.
My chest was caving in, and a ragged sound escaped me.
I miss you, man.
I knew that I had to get up, that I had a million things to take care of, but I couldn’t move. All of that fell away as pain drummed through me, followed by a rising numbness. Maybe I’d wake up from this nightmare, and Brody would still be alive.
I had no idea how long I was there, only how I was pulled out of it.
Two cool hands wrapped around my wrists and tugged my hands away. A soft and gentle sensation, like smooth water over a burn. At first, I thought I was hallucinating.
“You’re not hallucinating,” Tiani murmured. “Come on.” She got me to my feet and then sat me down on the couch. “Stay here.”
Exhaustion dragged at my brain, and I may have nodded off for a moment. Tiani came back with water, tea, and food. I accepted the tea only because I didn’t have the energy.
“You’re not even going to comment that it’s decaf?” she teased.
Tiani was perched on the table across from me, leaning forward, and her eyes were searching my face. Her presence, oddly, helped anchor me back to reality. Perhaps because I realized she was being the bigger person, and a fresh stab of guilt helped wake me up.
“Thank you,” I said and stood, taking the tea.
She gave me a bewildered look as I walked down the hall into my bedroom and shut the door behind me. I sighed, gulping at the tea and striding over to my dresser. I needed to get changed and head back out. There was too much to do. As I was about to pull off my shirt, Tiani flew in.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I growled at her.
“I could ask you the same question!” Tiani snapped, glaring at me, and then she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “Xander, please, you need rest. Or at least something to eat.” Placing her hands on her hips, she took a deep breath and exhaled it. “What can I get you?”
“Nothing.”
Her eyes darted to the shirt in my hands, and, before I could react, she had snatched it away. “You are not going back out, Xander Bane.”
“Excuse me?” I asked and reached for the shirt, but she held it out of reach. “You don’t give me orders, Elkhadi.”
“I think someone has to.”
“Don’t pretend to give a damn all of a sudden,” I said in a low voice.
Tiani flinched, and the air began to brim with quiet tension. She hadn’t forgiven me; she was pitying me, and I wouldn’t stand for that. Nor could I deal with her right now.
“Please, leave,” I added, my temper rising. “You win this round.”
“Xander,” Tiani said, her voice full of reproach as she did the opposite, coming toward me. “No. No. No. You are letting me help you before you snap. Or are you forgetting I just found you kneeling in the other room, half-delirious?”
Rubbing my face, I muttered, “I had a long night, is all. I’m fine now.”
“You’re not.”
I looked up, and Tiani was giving me a serious look, her brows knitted in concern.
“I am,” I said and tugged the shirt out of her hands, tossing it on my bed. I’d drag her out of my room if I had to. But she sidestepped me and sat on the bed. “Tiani. I don’t have time for this.”
“You’re not, Xander. I see you.” Something about her gaze was unsettling me, and I huffed out an angry breath, glaring at her. But Tiani’s gaze seemed to deepen with concern, and she sat up straighter, crossing her legs. Almost to herself, she murmured, “How did I not see it?”
My mouth went a little dry, then, as I began to wake up to the fact that Tiani was sitting on my bed, in my room, and refusing to leave me alone. Somewhere, in the insane, backward part of my brain, fantasies began to tease themselves out. After all, I’d had a few dreams about her in here under different circumstances.
"You need sleep," Tiani announced. "People are going to start thinking you're a raccoon shifter." She patted the bed. "Your bed is nice. I don't understand why you avoid it."
Distraction was warring with exhaustion. “I don’t. I just don’t have time; there’s—”
“You’re home. Recuperate for a minute, Bane, honestly,” Tiani said. Then she leaned back and tossed her head, resting on her elbows. “Come on, I’ll tuck you in, dragon-boy.”
My temper and patience shot to hell, I lurched forward, grabbed her arm, and hauled her up off the bed. She tried to fight me, but I swung her around to the door.
“Leave.”
“No, you need to sleep.” She planted herself against the door and wouldn’t let me open it. I growled at her, and she growled back, then laughed. Laughed. “You don’t scare me.”
Pulse pounding in my temples, I glared at her. "Do you think this is a game?"
“Not really. I’m not having that much fun,” Tiani retorted.
I stared her down, my hands gripping the frame. “I have a duty—I have to go. I don’t have time for this nonsense. Or you. People’s lives are at stake.”
“And what about you, your life?” Tiani asked.
My fingers dug into the wood a little harder, but I didn’t answer. She’d thrown me, looking up at me like that, only inches away.
“What good will you be doing anyone if you’re not around, Xander?” Tiani pressed. Her eyes were a strange, wavering smoke-like color, and suddenly she placed a hand on my heart. “Sometimes I think you forget you’re only human.”
“Sometimes I don’t think I am.” The words were bitter and heavy, strange. Honest. “Not anymore.”
“Don’t say stupid shit like that.” Tiani’s fingers rolled the material of my shirt into her hand as her other hand lifted to my cheek, pressing against it. No one could hold a gaze quite like her.
Anguish rose up, dousing the impatience, anger, and distraction. I couldn't hide it.
I didn’t want to hide it.
Tiani saw it, and the look on her face was one of such soft compassion, I felt like I could finally draw a breath.
“Come here, dragon,” she said and wrapped her arms around my neck, letting my head settle on her shoulder. “I swear I’ll keep all your secrets.”
A surprised sound escaped her as I wrapped my arms around her waist and crushed her against me, pinning her tightly as though the pressure could outdo the swelling around my heart.
“They were kids,” I rasped. “Kids who…I failed them.”
“You know that isn’t true,” Tiani said in my ear. “You can only do so much. You can’t be everywhere, doing everything.” Her hand rubbed up and down my neck, while the other kneaded the knot at the top of my spine. She must have guessed or heard—I wasn’t sure. I didn’t care. I wanted this, this comfort and her heart beating against mine. “Xander, you know this.”
“No, I know I could’ve done more.”
“Maybe,” Tiani said. “Or maybe you did everything you possibly could. Knowing you, it’s probably the latter.” She paused. “You’re a good guy, one hell of a hardworkin’ man, Bane.”
“Not that good,” I muttered.
Tiani laughed lightly and tugged on the curls at the nape of my neck. “What makes you say that?”
For one thing, this hug has gone way past friendly, and now I don�
�t want to let go. Even though I explicitly said the other day that I can’t be with anyone. Especially the woman I want.
Out loud, I said, “Only the good die young. These kids. Brody.” Desperately needing to release some of the other tension now building up, I took a small liberty and rubbed my scruffy jaw ever so slightly against her neck, gratified by a small intake of breath and an arched spine. “No, I am a monster from legend who had a good run of faking being good.”
“Or you’re in a bad place and telling yourself you’re a bad boy.”
“Nah,” I said and inhaled Tiani’s scent, turning my head a little so my lips were inches from her throat. “Maybe I used to be good, but I’m an ice-hearted bastard now. Have to be.”
“You don’t have to be,” Tiani argued, and her grip tightened. “I’ve seen that other side of you. Hell, I think it might be more dangerous than you think.”
“Maybe that’s all part of it, too,” I murmured and lifted my head. In her ear, as I loosened my arms, sliding my hands up her back, I said, “Thank you.” Then I twisted the door handle, pressed a savage kiss to her temple and sent her stumbling into the hall. “Don’t come into my room again, please.”
Next time I won’t show nearly as much restraint.
Chapter Seventeen
Tiani
And here I thought I couldn’t be any more confused about that damn dragon.
Standing outside his door, I was hyperaware of the rise and fall of my chest, the dull echo of blood in my ears, and the wateriness of my eyes. The wateriness was more due to frustration and sleepiness than sadness, but a thread of melancholy ran through me all the same.
That man in there had grabbed a brief moment of comfort before locking himself back away again. Literally, in this case, as I’d heard the tell-tale click. He barely allowed himself even the smallest and simplest of gestures.
A tumult of emotions whirled in my chest, but I ignored them.
Or maybe I couldn’t focus on one particular emotion.
I knew that Xander could be intense, that he compartmentalized and internalized a lot of his shit so he could get through the day. I knew he had convinced himself that he had to handle everything alone, that he couldn’t give himself an inch. And that was just the surface.
I also knew I wasn’t one to talk.
There had been a moment, though, where I’d thought maybe we were the only two people who could get through to each other. That I could be someone he could lean on and talk to, and he could help me open up, too. Maybe together, we could get over ourselves.
I’d seen the crack in his armor, the vulnerable and beautiful man underneath.
My arms clasped around me as I inhaled a shaking breath.
I’d also seen the vast depths of his strength and empathy, his kindness and intelligence.
If he kept burying that, he would lose it.
Xander was losing his self, his soul, to Winfyre.
And that terrified me.
I wasn’t able to get back to sleep after that. Worry about Xander had consumed me, the bastard, and I paced around my room, doing a pretty good imitation of him when he got all broody. Then I stopped, a small laugh escaping me.
That’s it.
Thirty minutes later, I was hurrying into HQ. I had no idea where Xander had gone or if he’d collapsed of exhaustion in his room, but I didn’t think he would be here. Glancing around, I cast an eye around for one of the Alphas, hoping to run into Rett or Tristan.
“Can I help you with something?” asked a young voice. I turned to see a pretty teenage girl who looked vaguely familiar, and she smiled at me, gesturing at herself. “Drue.”
“Right, you’re one of the Graces,” I said, and she nodded.
“Are you looking for Xander?” Drue asked. “He’s not here.”
“Oh, I know that,” I said. “I’m actually here to work, but since Xander isn’t here, I was going to check in with one of the other Alphas and see what I could do.” The fib was a little stiff on my tongue, and Drue frowned. “I’m here to help take some stuff off Xander’s to-do list.”
“I’m not sure they’d know what to tell you,” Drue said slowly. “But Fallon is here…” I tried to keep my face neutral as my heart began to race. Somehow, I didn’t think the Amazonian blonde was going to fall for my story. “Let’s just check with her about what I should give you, okay?”
“You know what’s on Xander’s to-do list?” I blurted out, surprised.
“More or less,” Drue said with a shrug. “I run a lot of errands for them, so I need to know what they’re up to. And, if not, I always know where it is.”
There’s an actual physical list? Dammit, I could have stolen it.
Drue led me to a back office, where the tall blonde was imbibing a mug of coffee and had her feet up on the desk. When she heard us, she sighed and slid lower into her chair.
“I’m not here.”
“Oh, I should just send this extra pair of hands on its way, then, huh?”
Fallon opened one eye, and a small grin flitted over her face. “Sassy thing. I remember when you couldn’t even utter full sentences in my presence. And who in their right mind…” She trailed off as she saw me, and her head tilted to the side. “Huh. Really?”
I flushed, wondering if something of Xander’s and my tension had filtered into the Winfyre gossip vine. “Yes,” I forced myself to say, and fell silent. I wanted to add something else, but the only thing that came to my mind was, Save the drama for your mama.
“Sorry,” Fallon said, sitting up and letting her feet fall to the floor, opening both her eyes. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Hell of a night.”
“Bit of an understatement,” I said softly, seeing Xander’s hunched-over form in my mind. An echo of the shock and fear I’d felt last night went through me again, and my nails dug into my palms. “Xander took off without even telling me what needed attention.”
“Well, he’s off dealing with all the Tiselk relations stuff and checking up on the reports, plus doing border recon and whatever else he can cram into today,” Fallon said. “Honestly, I’m not even sure what’s in those piles on his desk, but I know someone needs to go through them.”
“I’ll do it,” I said.
“Yeah, all right,” Fallon said and shuffled through a mess on her desk until she pulled out one of the heavy binders that Northbane shifters favored. “This, unfortunately, needs to go up there, too. And since you’re going to be doing all this, we’ll need to get you your own register.”
“I’ll get her one,” Drue volunteered.
Before either of us could say a word, she’d gone running down the hallway and left a semi-awkward silence in its wake. Fallon and I hadn’t interacted much, nor had I ever seen her so tired and still. She was always running around and fixing things. It made me feel like an intruder.
“I’m going to head upstairs now,” I said and drifted backward.
“Hey, Tiani,” Fallon said as I got to the door, and I glanced back. “Thank you. He might not say it or even realize it, but he needs you.”
“Just doing what I can to help,” I said with a shrug, feeling flustered.
“Not what I meant, but yeah, that too,” Fallon said with a crooked grin.
Not wanting to overthink that, I fled upstairs, where Drue was waiting with a chunky notebook, the aforesaid register. The teenager insisted on setting me up at Xander’s desk, saying it would be too complicated to have me bringing work back and forth. The big office was empty of any life, and I felt myself shrinking into the chair a little, not wanting to make any noise as I sat there.
After a while, though, I forgot to worry about the quiet or the fact that this was Xander's chair. I had my legs tucked up on the chair as I worked my way through his list. A lot of it was double-checking reports for any fallacies or missing items that could cause a crisis. Some things I could not do, like sign off on issues or patrols or things.
But a few hours later, I'd made a reasonable dent. Stret
ching, I debated between going to get some fresh air and waking up, or taking a nap at the desk. Before I could do either, Tristan Llary appeared in the doorway and pulled up short upon seeing me. My face went red as he blinked rapidly, and a slow grin spread over his face.
“Change in Northbane leadership that I should know about?” he asked, striding in and going over to a desk by the window. He pulled out a sheaf of papers from his jacket and plopped them down, then spun around. Leaning against the desk, he raised an eyebrow at me. “Need anything?”
“Oh, no,” I said. “And Drue told me I should sit here…no one was here.”
I didn't know why I was defending myself except that I didn't like Tristan's shit-eating grin, like there was some other ulterior motive to my seating choice besides its expedient position to helping Xander get work done.
Tristan Llary was annoyingly brilliant, and I knew he'd read that in my face when he chuckled. "Forgive me for appreciating the novelty. Usually, I find Xander in here, face down in papers." A huffed sigh escaped me at that before I could stop myself, and Tristan's amusement deepened. "Don't let me disturb you any further, Tiani." With that, he strode across the room and waved goodbye at the door.
“Uh, wait,” I called out, and Tristan stopped. “Could you keep this between us?”
“A humble lady,” Tristan responded. “Of course.”
“That, and I don’t want Xander to kick me out before I finish,” I muttered.
Tristan laughed. “Pragmatic and perceptive, too. Yeah, I won’t say a word to ’im. Bye.”
“Bye,” I called and slumped back in the chair. I should’ve known one of the other Alphas would be by and have come up with something a little better. There was no way this wasn’t getting back to Xander eventually. “Damn it, and damn you, Xander Bane.”
Chapter Eighteen
Tiani
Xander had vanished off the face of the earth. Or he was avoiding me again.
While I saw the other Alphas—all of whom looked amused and bid me hello, but didn’t interrupt my work—I didn’t see Xander. At the bungalow the night before, I’d peeped into his room and determined the bed had been slept in. But for how long or when, exactly, was anyone’s guess.
Dragon's Oath (Northbane Shifters Book 5) Page 15
