by Rona Halsall
Everything altered again when Luke hit fourteen, though. Or maybe it was him that changed? With the onset of puberty it just didn’t work anymore. Angry and intolerant, he’d felt like a prisoner stuck out there in the middle of nowhere, and he always seemed to be in a fight with some member of his family. Especially Ted, who was two years younger than him but taller and stronger and liked to make him look a fool at every opportunity. Anyway, Luke had never wanted to be a farmer; he’d wanted to travel. There was a big world out there and he’d wanted to see some of it before he even thought about settling down.
He parked in the yard now and sat for a moment, pulling his thoughts together.
‘Okay, kids, we’re here,’ he said, turning and shaking their legs. Tired eyes blinked open and they looked around, cautious, as if they’d just landed on the moon. Bernie uncurled himself from the floor, where he preferred to sit when they travelled, and gazed through the window, his tail giving a cautious wag.
‘Where are we?’ Tessa asked, lifting herself up in her chair, her face pale and drawn as she glanced around. ‘What is this place?’
‘I told you. This is Nana and Pops’ house. You’ve never met them, but now we’re going to stay here for a little while.’
‘But it’s huge,’ Tessa said, eyes wide. Then they widened even further. ‘And they’ve got ponies! Dad, they’ve got ponies.’ She jigged up and down in her seat. ‘Look, over there, Dad. Ponies!’
Luke laughed. A couple of rescue ponies had arrived when he was still at home, and his mother had obviously added to the herd while he’d been away. Tessa was mad about ponies and now she could learn to ride, which would be the perfect distraction.
‘Look at that cool tractor, Dad.’ Callum was staring at the huge blue tractor parked next to the barn. ‘Its wheels are bigger than you!’
‘They are, aren’t they?’
‘Can I help you?’
Luke swivelled round to face the voice. A man, wearing muddy green overalls tucked into knee-high wellingtons, was leaning towards the car window, frowning. His hands were tucked into his pockets, the cap on his head, shading his face.
‘Ted?’ Luke’s heart lurched in his chest, catching him by surprise. ‘Christ, look at you with all that fuzz on your face.’
‘Luke! Fuck me…’ Ted covered his mouth when he spotted the children in the back seat. ‘Oops. Flipping heck, Luke. We thought you were trouble for a minute there. Unmarked police car or something. Gave us a bit of a fright.’ His hand dropped to the roof of the car and his mouth twitched as his dark eyes gazed at Luke, holding an expression that was hard to read. Then his face broke into a grin. ‘You getting out of the car or what?’
Luke climbed out, watching as Tessa raced off to look at the ponies and Callum ran over to the tractor. He hugged his cousin, unable to speak for the weight in his chest and, after a few moments, the warmth of Ted’s body, the solid feel of him, broke all his resolve and he started to cry. Big, ugly, heaving sobs shuddered through him and his cousin held him tight, muttering in his ear, ‘Hey, hey, it’s alright mate. You’re home now. You’re home.’
Fourteen
After a few moments, Luke released Ted from his grip and wiped his face on his sleeve. He watched Callum inspecting the tractor. Ted started walking over to him and shouted:
‘You want to sit in the cab?’
‘Can I?’ Callum looked at his uncle as if he’d just announced it was Christmas, his eyes shining with excitement.
Ted grinned, lifted him onto the steps and followed him up, letting Callum sit in the driver’s seat while he stood behind. Luke could see Callum jigging up and down on the seat, his hands flicking switches and pretending to steer the wheel.
Luke’s heart swelled when he saw his son looking so excited, and Tessa too, standing on the gate, stroking a Shetland pony that had coming dashing over, obviously thinking there might be some treats going. He heaved a sigh of relief at Ted’s welcome. It could have been so different, given the animosity that had grown between them as they’d gone through their teenage years. He put it down to male hormones, thinking they’d been like stags banging their heads together, each wanting to be the boss. But none of that mattered to Luke now, and it seemed that Ted felt the same.
Luke opened the car boot and started to unload their luggage, Bernie snuffling round his feet. A flutter of something to his right caught Luke’s eye, making him turn, and there was Fay, his mother, running across the yard, or trying to run, a rapid hobble being the best she could manage. Luke gasped as she flung herself at him, holding him tight, her breath hiccupping out of her while she worked out whether to laugh or cry. He squeezed her in a hug, shocked by the thinness of her, by the way time had ravaged her body. Over her shoulder, he spotted his sister, Ceri, sauntering towards him, a huge smile lighting up her face, which was now a carbon copy of their mother’s. And in the doorway of the house stood his father. Luke watched him for a moment, unsure what his reaction was going to be. His heart started to race as he remembered the full force of his father’s anger. Did he still feel the same? Was his welcome about to be cut short?
His mother let him go and wiped the tears from her face, laughing now. She turned to see what Luke was looking at and gave his arm a squeeze. ‘Don’t you worry, love. He’s missed you as much as I have. As much as we all have.’
His father walked towards him and Luke held his breath, until the older man stopped and held out his hand. ‘Welcome home, son.’
Luke pulled his father towards him. ‘Sorry, Dad,’ he murmured as they held each other close. ‘I’m so sorry.’
His dad patted his back. ‘I’m sorry too, son.’ His voice was gruff. ‘Takes two to tango, doesn’t it? Anyway, you’re here now. And I’m so glad you’ve come home, son. I really am.’ They held each other for a long time, unspoken words transmitting themselves through the tight clasp of their arms, and Luke felt a weight lift from his mind.
It’s going to be okay.
There was so much to do; unloading the car and sorting out sleeping arrangements, getting the kids’ rooms sorted, giving the children time to meet their two cousins, and finally eating supper. It had been a constant blur of chatter and activity, with no time for proper conversation, just the froth of words that happens when you should know each other but you don’t, because fifteen years’ worth of life had been and gone since the last time you met.
The children were late to settle with all the excitement of new people and surroundings, but Ceri had taken them all upstairs and was reading to them in the hope that it might calm them down. Luke slumped in a chair at the kitchen table, a cup of tea in front of him, his head resting in his hands and Bernie curled up at his feet. Exhausted after the long drive and all the emotion of his homecoming, his mind was so full of new information, he wasn’t sure what he felt.
He knew Ceri had kids, as she’d posted the news on her Facebook page, back when she was a regular social media user. Now she tended to just use messenger and even that was pretty intermittent. He was surprised that his niece was already four and his nephew was now five. It was a pleasant surprise though, because Callum and Tessa immediately had kids to play with, and that could only help with the stress of the move away from their friends.
What had shocked him was how much older his parents both looked. His father was bald on top, just curly grey tufts bushing out at the side of his creased and careworn face, and although he smiled, there was a sadness in his eyes and a faraway look that Luke had glimpsed, when the conversation had buzzed around him but he was not involved. Lost in his thoughts, his father’s face had sagged, the corners of his mouth drooping, making him look all of his sixty-four years. Luke’s mother seemed to have shrunk, and deep grooves had appeared around her mouth and eyes after working outside for years, her coarse hair tied back in a long grey plait. Her eyes were bright, though, her mind as sharp as ever, but she looked closer to her husband in age, even though there was a ten-year gap between them. He wasn’t sure what he’d be
en expecting after fifteen years, but their appearance had been a reminder that they wouldn’t be here for ever and he was thankful that he’d made the decision to return.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming into the kitchen.
‘Luke, we need to have a chat.’ He looked up to see his dad standing in the doorway, a stern expression on his face, and a groan rumbled round Luke’s mind. This was what he’d been dreading; being alone with his father. Before he could mentally steady himself, his mother walked in, followed by Ted. They all took seats at the table and Luke felt like he was in an interview, nerves tugging at his mouth, making it twitch.
A family meeting. This could go either way, Luke thought, his palms sweating. Have they changed their minds? Are they going to tell me to leave? He could hear his blood pulsing in his ears.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said again, pre-empting anything his father was going to say. ‘I want to say I’m really sorry I haven’t been in touch.’ His hands found each other on the table, as if for reassurance. ‘And for turning up like this. I won’t stay long. I just…’
His father reached over the table, putting a hand over Luke’s, looking him in the eye. ‘Son, I’m sorry too. It’s not for me to tell you how to live your life. Impose my morals on you. Serving your country is a brave and noble thing.’
Luke saw Ted wince and he felt his cheeks start to burn.
‘I was in Cyprus, Dad. Fixing helicopters. I didn’t go anywhere near danger. And I definitely wasn’t a hero.’
His dad nodded and took his hand away. ‘Yes, but they could have sent you somewhere dangerous, couldn’t they? It’s the principle of the thing. You were willing to put yourself in danger for the benefit of others. That’s what matters.’
‘Yeah, I suppose.’ Luke looked at his hands, twiddled his wedding ring round his finger.
Silence crept between them all, separating them into their own worlds, and when Luke finally looked up, he saw his mum nudge his dad. They had a conversation with their eyes, his father giving a barely perceptible nod.
‘So, Luke,’ his father said. ‘There’s a… a few things we need to go through with you, before you make any decisions about your future.’
‘You mean like house rules? I haven’t forgotten, you know.’ Luke was willing to do anything to fit in at this point, exhausted as he was by trying to cope with his young family on his own. It would be so much easier here, so much better for all of them.
‘No, Luke, not house rules. No, it’s…’ He turned to his wife and she put her hand on his shoulder, urging him on. ‘First things first. I couldn’t… we couldn’t be happier that you’ve come home.’ He sighed and shook his head. ‘I said some daft things… well, we both did, didn’t we? Both too stupid and pig-headed to make up. I’ve regretted it every day since you left, son. Fifteen years is a long time and only snippets from Ceri. No address or phone number and…’ His mum squeezed his dad’s arm, to stop him heading down a road Luke really hoped he wasn’t going to go down.
Luke sighed. He hadn’t thought about how his silence would affect his parents, he’d just taken his father’s words at face value. And there were so many times he’d wanted his parents to be there. At his wedding. When he held his first child. And his second one. Pig-headed and stupid, he thought, that just about sums me up. And the longer he’d left it, the harder it had become to make the call.
‘I’ve missed you,’ Luke said. ‘Missed all of you so much.’ He closed his eyes, biting his lip to stop his emotions getting the better of him. It happened so often since Anna’s death; tears so close to the surface that the merest act of kindness would set him off. Emotional incontinence, that’s what it was. Embarrassing. And everyone had been so kind, it had just made it worse. It would do him good to have a few weeks off before he started looking for work, he thought, get himself stabilised.
‘Oh Luke, we’ve missed you too,’ his mum said. ‘But we can’t look back, we can only go forwards and that’s what we need to talk to you about. You can stay here as long as you want and if you help out, then you don’t need to get paid work. We’ve got plenty you can do here.’
Luke turned to look at his cousin and wondered if anything had changed, whether the bad feeling still simmered under the surface. Ted’s face told him it did and his gut clenched. His cousin’s expression was so different now to when Luke first arrived, he felt something stir in him, dark and tense. Something that he’d hoped had died, but was clearly very much alive. He glanced away, turned to his parents instead, telling himself that it was early days. I’ve got to make this work, for the sake of the kids. Childhood arguments were surely dead and buried by now.
His mother’s glance flickered between the two men and she gave a rueful smile. ‘It was so great for you kids, growing up together, wasn’t it?’
Luke swirled the remainder of his tea in his mug. ‘Yeah, it was great. Till I was a teenager. Then it got a bit… I don’t know.’ He sighed, remembering all the friction he’d caused, all the arguments. ‘I just needed to see what else was out there.’
‘I don’t blame you for that.’ His dad patted Luke’s hand. ‘How do you know how great things are at home until you’ve been and had a look around elsewhere?’
Luke nodded. ‘True enough. You know, as soon as I saw the farm when we came up the road, I felt it in here.’ He tapped his chest with his fist. ‘Like something was set free.’ He looked from his mum to his dad and back again. ‘I’d love my kids to have the same childhood I did. If you don’t mind me being here.’
His mum beamed at him, her eyes sparkling. ‘Oh sweetheart, that’s wonderful news. I can’t wait to get to know my other grandchildren.’
Ted scowled and spun a teaspoon round and round on the table until Fay leant over and took it off him.
Phil held up a hand. ‘Let’s not jump the gun. You might not want to stay. Let’s just lay things out for you and let you think about it tonight, then we can talk again tomorrow.’
A shiver of unease ran down Luke’s back.
‘The thing is, we’re a bit short of help around here. There’s Ted and Ceri and that’s it. I’m not getting any younger and your mum, well, she hasn’t the stamina any more. Ceri’s got the kids to look after, so she helps in the house, but the outside work… the production side of things. Looking after all the animals.’ His father shrugged. ‘It’s a bit of a struggle keeping up with it, to be honest.’
‘I can help on the farm,’ Luke said quickly, eager to do his bit. ‘No problem. I know the score. Sheep and cattle. I can do that.’
‘Ah well. It’s a bit more complicated than that.’ His dad sat back in his chair. ‘We do a bit of different work now. Just to balance the books, you know. I’m sure you’re aware that all the European grants have changed and the subsidies are nowhere near what they used to be. It’s never been easy to make a hill farm work, but now it’s nigh on impossible.’
Luke frowned. ‘What sort of different work?’
His dad cleared his throat. ‘Well, it’s a bit of a long story but, in short, your mum didn’t react well to all the medicines they were giving her. Especially those corticosteroids. She hated what they did to her and so we looked for herbal remedies. And… well, we found that cannabis worked to manage the pain, and it kept her… kept her balanced, shall we say.’ Fay pursed her lips, but nodded. ‘And so, we… we started to grow it.’
‘Cannabis? You’re joking?’ The blood drained from Luke’s face. Cannabis!
‘It’s medicinal. Legal in all sorts of countries and lots of American states. Because there’s so much science supporting it as a herbal remedy for pain management but also for anxiety and depression. And all of that helps your mum.’ His dad sounded defensive and looked at Ted, who was nodding his encouragement.
‘That’s right, Da. Spot on. The Welsh Assembly are even talking about making it legal in the future. And parliament are allowing it for some medical cases.’
Luke’s mind was having a hard time
taking it in. Growing cannabis?
‘Well, I suppose the odd plant isn’t going to hurt anyone,’ Luke said, trying to be reasonable. ‘As long as the kids don’t know anything about it.’
His dad shook his head. ‘No, Luke, you’ve missed the point. It’s not just one plant. We grow it as a crop, a sideline. Not just for us. Then we dry it and produce capsules, which we sell.’
Luke’s eyes widened.
‘We’ve been doing it for a few years, taking our time to get the growing systems right, but now it’s developing pretty quickly. We need another growing area, but we also need new outlets.’
‘Farming hardly makes any money,’ Ted said, leaning forwards, elbows on the table, an intense look in his eyes. ‘You have to diversify. Farm shops. Homestays. Campsites. Because farming’s broke. If it wasn’t for the cannabis, we’d have lost the farm years ago. It’s our future.’
Luke leant back in his chair, away from Ted, arms folded across his chest. ‘It’s also illegal and probably will be for quite a while yet. Even then you’d have to be a licensed grower to be able to sell it. All regulated and stuff. What you’re doing would still be illegal. What if you get caught? That could be all of us in prison.’
His dad laughed. ‘Not when the local policeman is one of our customers. Anyway, who comes up here? Nobody. That’s who. Nobody really cares what we’re doing. It’s not hurting anyone, but it is providing an awful lot of people with pain relief. And, more important, it’s giving people hope. Saving lives.’ He looked at his wife and back to Luke. ‘Including your mother’s.’ Fay reached for her husband’s hand, a show of solidarity that was the hallmark of their marriage.
