by E Cleveland
She sighs. “I don’t want to be a downer.”
“Please.” I reach across the table and grab her hand. “You can trust me.”
19
Elsie
I look down at my dwindling bowl of stew and take a deep breath. I want to trust Sawyer, but my past isn’t something I share easily. I haven’t even told Ben much about my life. Yet, when I look in his eyes, I see an earnest concern for me that I never saw in Ben’s. He doesn’t want the salacious details to entertain himself; he wants to know the real me. The one I’ve been trying to hide for longer than I’d like to admit.
“I’m a foster kid, I was put in the system when I was eleven by child services,” I blurt out.
“I’m sorry, that couldn’t have been easy for you,” Sawyer answers.
“No, it wasn’t,” I admit. “Most kids are taken when they’re younger and it’s easier to place them because people like cute, little kids. Not a lot of people like taking on a pre-teen girl. They cost more for one, and they usually have a lot of scars. Like sexual abuse and shit like that.”
Sawyer’s face twists like I stabbed him.
“That’s not what happened to me,” I reassure him and he breathes a sigh of relief.
“Anyway, a lot of women don’t want to take on an older girl because they have this messed up idea that you’re going to seduce their husbands. Isn’t that fucked up?”
My mind flashes angrily to the first house I was placed in. How, when she found out her husband liked to drink and make me watch him jerk off after she passed out in a drunken stupor, she acted like I made him do it.
Like it wasn’t some predator taking advantage of a vulnerable kid. Instead, I must have been “begging him for it.” My cheeks flush with the same shame I felt then. Like I was just dirty and unlovable. Like no one could ever want me in their lives unless I could do something for them.
“Did your parents die?” Sawyer intrudes on my dark thoughts.
“No, that probably would’ve been better,” I confess.
“Don’t say that,” his voice rumbles with anger.
“I know that sounds terrible,” I blurt the words as his eyebrows cinch together in a frown. “They were meth heads. They made it themselves for some guy who sold it for them. He split the cash with them, so they were happy. But then they got into it too, bad. They were high all the time and screwed him over by giving him a bad batch and he was pissed. He told them they owed him his money back or he’d kill them.” The words pour out of me like I’m sitting in a confession box. I’m guessing the booze is helping all this bubble out of my mouth.
“But you said they didn’t die?” Sawyer tries to piece together my story.
“No, they decided to try to sell me to get the cash. Like my parents were my pimp.”
“What the fuck?” Sawyer’s face contorts with rage.
“Yeah, lucky for me they were both fucking idiots.” The memory flashes back to me.
“You look beautiful, honey, look at yourself.” Mom nodded at my reflection in the mirror. I smiled at my heavy makeup, feeling like a princess. It was the first time in months that she had been so nice to me. I wanted the moment to drag on forever. For her to do my hair and makeup, like we were a couple of girls at a sleepover. It felt magical.
“Thanks for making me look so beautiful, Mommy. I love you.” I looked at her, beaming.
“What?” She looked down at her cheap wristwatch. “Yep, for sure. Love you too, honey.” Her voice was rushed. “Okay, we don’t have much time, baby, there’s a man coming here to take you out,” she explained hurriedly.
“What? Where is he taking me?” Worry twisted in my gut. My biggest fear was coming true. I was being taken away.
“On a little drive. Who knows, maybe you’ll get to stay in a hotel room, if you’re lucky.” She fluffed up my hair, and I leaned back against her like she was giving me a warm hug.
“What are you doing? Sit up straight,” she snapped at me. “Listen, just do what he wants, okay? It won’t be that bad if you go along with it, you understand?”
I didn’t. But I pretended to. I didn’t want our time together to end. I wanted my mom to talk to me forever.
“Good girl.” She smiled at me and my heart fluttered, desperate for her praise.
Our apartment buzzer rang and Mom ran over to answer it. “That’s him. Okay, come here, come here!” she demanded.
I stood with her at the door as the strange man came in and examined me. He was tall and scary looking with a scar under his eye and dirty clothes.
“So, she’s fresh? Never been with anyone?” he questioned my mother as I stood wilting under his angry gaze.
“Yep, she’s intact. So, it’s two grand for the night,” Mom negotiated.
“And I can do whatever I want, right? All the stuff I emailed you about?” He glanced over at my father watching TV in the other room, willfully oblivious to the whole scene.
“Yep, that’s right. Whatever you want,” she chirped.
“Great.” He grabbed me by the arm roughly and took me out in the hall as my mother slammed the door behind us.
My feet squeaked in my worn sneakers against the linoleum floor as he guided me down the hallway and around the corner into the arms of a female police officer.
I was too confused to make a sound.
“We’ve got them,” the man nodded at her.
“Come here, honey, I’ve got you.” The woman wrapped her arms around me and I buried my face against her.
Suddenly a swarm of police ran up the stairwell and down the hall to my parents’ apartment. There was a lot of screaming and commotion as they hauled my folks out in cuffs and dragged them down the hall.
I cried against the woman holding me, confused and scared that I’d done something terrible. Desperate for her embrace. Desperate for any love I could get.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I kept crying over and over.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all over now,” the officer soothed me. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was rotten. Unlovable. Why else was all this happening?
I shake my head and drop my spoon into my bowl with a clang as the tears stream down my face with the memory. “They tried to set it up, but they just put up an ad on Craigslist like a couple of morons,” I sob. “They got busted in a sting operation and arrested for child prostitution and drugs. They’re still locked up.” I choke on my words.
“I’m so sorry.” Sawyer jumps up from his chair and pulls me up into his arms as I cry. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, like I did the day they took my parents away.
“So am I,” I cry.
20
Sawyer
I hold her tight against my chest, angry that she ever had to endure that betrayal by her own parents. By the two people in the world who were supposed to do anything to protect her.
Elsie sniffles as her tears flow. No wonder she’s so obsessed with the approval of strangers. Her parents obviously never gave a shit. What kind of fucking monsters would try to sell their own daughter? Anger bubbles through my veins. For a moment, I consider hunting them down and putting a bullet in their brains like you would for any diseased animal. We wouldn’t let a rabid wolf run around the forest, spreading their sickness, but it’s okay when people do it?
“Have you ever seen them since?” My voice is hoarse, weighed down by the sadness I feel for the little girl she once was. I wish I knew her then. That I could’ve saved her from those experiences.
“No, they were charged and found guilty. I’ve never visited them in prison. At first, it was because my foster family wouldn’t take me.” She hangs her head and I run my hand over her silky hair. “You know what’s really sad? Even after all that, I begged, I mean really begged that first family to take me to see them. I was devastated when they said they wouldn’t. I mean, completely crushed.” She looks up at me and tears fall down her cheeks every time she blinks. I gently wipe them away with my thumbs, wishing I could erase he
r wounds as easily as I can make her tears disappear.
“I was devastated to be away from them. All I wanted was to be with them. I told myself they would love me more once they were in prison, you know?” Her chin trembles as she tries to sputter the words. “That it had been the drugs that made them act that way, but then one day I finally had a meltdown about my foster parents not taking me to see Mom on visitation day and they lost it on me. They told me my parents didn’t want anything to do with me. Even though they were clean, even though they had time to think about their mistakes, they still didn’t want me to… to… bother them.” She hunches forward, like the weight of her sorrow broke her back and I hold her up.
I won’t let her collapse. I will be her strength when she has none left.
“They just didn’t love me,” she sobs and I can hear the pain of the confused child she once was, in her voice. “They never loved me,” she barely utters the words.
Guilt swirls through me like the Arctic cyclones of wind outside the door. Not just for how harshly I’ve treated her, or how much time I’ve spent judging her. I mean, a little bit for those things, but mostly it’s guilt for my own happy childhood. For the love I grew up never questioning. My parents lived for two things, me and their restaurant and it was always in that order.
I understand now how Elsie and I could have such a different take on The Catcher in the Rye. She already spent her entire life as the outsider. An outsider in her own family. She has lived the pain; she has carried that burden. I never felt that until the thing with Farrah. I chose to turn my back on society, deciding to live alone in the woods. Elsie was never given the option. She was cast away like a piece of trash.
“Hey, I want to do something for you, okay?” I murmur with my cheek pressed against her. Quickly, I kiss the top of her head and look down at her. “I think you’ll like it.” I smile.
Elsie looks up at me with her red-rimmed eyes, confused. “What is it?”
“Wait a sec.” Crossing the floor, I pick up the large pot of water from the stove. I pour it into the basin by the fire, filling up the old-fashioned washing bucket halfway. “I know you’ve been missing taking a shower, so I put together the next best thing.” I hold out my free hand toward the dented basin like I’m offering her a brand-new car.
“You made me a bath?” She sniffles.
“Yep, it’s pretty warm too. Climb in, you’ll feel a lot better.”
I drop the empty pot by the door and Elsie walks over to the edge of her bathtub, peering inside uncertainly. I scrubbed it out earlier, but it’s still in rough shape.
Pink spreads over her cheeks and a sparkle returns to her blue eyes, reminding me of the glittery waves on the lake under the summer sun.
“You did this for me?” she whispers.
“Yep.”
Her mouth twitches into a smile and she tilts her head at me, looking up at me coyly. “That’s the most thoughtful thing I think anyone has ever done for me.” Her fingers begin to unbutton the plaid shirt I lent her. I can’t help but stare as the flannel falls off her pale shoulders and drapes open around her soft tits. Elsie unties the knot around her waist and shrugs the shirt down to the floor. The pants I lent her are quick to follow. My gaze licks every inch of her skin, as I long to feel her pressed back against my body. I want to feel her pussy clenching around my cock. I want to hear her beautiful lips scream my name again. I shift uncomfortably as my cock grows hard for her.
This isn’t about me, I chide myself. Get a grip. It’s about Elsie. “Go ahead, I have a towel in my bag you can dry off with when you’re done.”
“Thank you.” She dips her toes into the water before plunging her foot inside. I grab the large towel and clean washcloth I have stored in my hiking bag as Elsie sits down in the bath with a sigh.
I watch as she lays her head back and her eyelids flutter closed. Peace washes over her face and the tension she’s probably carried on her shoulders her entire life seems to slip away into the water. I hang the towel on the back of a chair and never take my eyes off her as I walk over to the edge of her tub. I want to kiss a trail down her supple skin, over every curve and edge, leaving her quivering for my touch and begging me for my cock.
Fuck, it’s like my body only has two modes when I’m with her, fuck or protect. I either want to let the winter slowly melt into spring as I spend my waking hours claiming her body and teaching her what it feels like to be with a real man, or I want to protect her, wrap my arms around her and shield her from the pain and ugliness of the world. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could take the pain she’s already had to endure.
Elsie opens her eyes and smiles up at me.
I fall to my knees and hover my lips over hers. “You’re so beautiful.” I wrap my hand under her wet hair and softly kiss her. Elsie moans into my mouth, testing my restraint as our tongues meet.
I dip the washcloth into the warm water and wring it out, slowly washing her. I let the fabric taste her skin, gently scrubbing her.
Elsie closes her eyes and leans back into the water, soaking her long hair.
“Wait a minute, I’ve got something for you.” I hop to my feet and open my hiking bag again. I pull out a bar and her eyes light up.
“Soap!”
“It’s actually shampoo.” I bring it over and begin to build up a sudsy lather in my hands.
“It is?” She closely examines the bar.
“Yep. I get it in bars so I don’t have a bunch of plastic bottles to deal with. I use it as soap too. It works for both,” I explain.
I run my bubbly hands through her hair, massaging her scalp. Elsie moans like she came. My cock twitches at the sound, but I manage to stay where I am and shampoo her hair.
“Thank you, Sawyer,” she murmurs and keeps her eyes shut as she leans back into the bath, rinsing the shampoo from her hair.
She arches her back, lifting her tits from the water, and I kiss across her cheek and down her neck. Cupping her breast in my hand, I suckle her rosy nipple, teasing it until she’s squirming in the water.
“Oh, Sawyer,” she breathes my name. “I need to feel you. I need you inside me,” she pleads.
I stand up and grab the towel wordlessly. I want to make her feel good in every way I can. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I want to give her everything.
21
Elsie
He drapes the large towel over my hair and it hangs over my dripping body like Little Red Riding Hood’s cape. Maybe he is the big bad wolf I was supposed to be scared of.
Maybe he’ll eat me.
I smile at the thought. What is it about him that makes me ache for his touch? I’ve never met anyone like him. I gaze at his thick forearms; they could be sculpted from granite. Clearly years of hard labor have chiseled his muscles, giving him a body that men who spend half their lives in the gym could only dream of.
Stacey and her husband, Tom, pop into my mind. He’s not built like them. His muscles don’t look like they’ve been blown up with an air pump until they are about to explode. Sawyer is solid. I glance at the bulge pressing against his pants. Well, there is one muscle that looks like it might explode… inside me.
“Thank you for the bath, I feel so much better.” I lean into him as he dries my skin.
“Good.” His voice is deep and rumbles in my ear. “I’m about to make you feel even better than that.” He quickly lifts me from my feet with the towel around me and walks me into the bedroom.
I throw my arms around his neck, pressing my cheek against his beard. I’m amazed how soft and clean he keeps something that looks so gruff and manly.
Sawyer lays me on the bed and strips down in front of me. I shamelessly watch as he peels off his pants and his cock springs up in front of my face.
“I love how you look at me.” Sawyer sounds amused. “Like you can’t get enough of this.” He wraps his hand around his cock and gives it a tug. “You’d think I didn’t just fuck you a few hours ago.”
�
�I want more,” I whisper, like I’m confessing a sin. I lick my lips and slide off the edge of the bed, falling to my knees in front of him. A bead of pre-cum glistens on the head of his dick and I swipe my tongue over it, savoring it like an appetizer before the main course.
Sawyer groans and I open my mouth wide, pushing my lips over his girth inch by inch. He’s big. Too big to take the whole thing this way, but it won’t stop me from giving him the most pleasure I can.
My nipples grow taut and my pussy clenches as I kneel in front of him. I love how he towers over me, commanding and strong. I flatten my tongue and take his thick cock as far into my mouth as I can manage, sucking on him like I’m starving for his cum. I want to make him feel as amazing as he’s made me feel. Not just from giving me orgasms, but the way he takes care of me. How he cooked for me, how he gave me a bath, how he makes me feel safe, how he looks at me. I’ve never met anyone who has ever made me feel so… loved.
I push the thought away and concentrate on making him feel loved instead. Loved by my mouth. I swirl my tongue over his steel dick and feel him tense up and grunt like I’ve hurt him somehow.
Sawyer pulls out of my mouth and lifts me from the floor. “Get up here.” He plops me down on the bed. He grabs my thighs and twists me around so my pussy is hovering over his mouth. His breath blows heat between my thighs. I lie down on him and wrap my hand around the base of his cock and slide him back inside my mouth just as I feel him bury his tongue inside me.
“Mmmm.” I swivel my hips, grinding down against his mouth as I bob my head in unison with my pumping hands over his dick.
Sawyer plunges a finger into my pussy and presses another firmly against my asshole as he feverishly flickers his tongue over my clit.
